Some may consider these offensive. %% Sonnet 69 Ah, love, let us retreat and find a place, A meadow, or a quiet grassy field, Where thou canst place thy buttocks 'pon my face, And to my probing tongue thy privates yield. Far greater pleasures than a simple fuck Are waiting for us to enjoy; to wit: My swelling love-tool thou caress and suck, As I move tender tongue about thy clit. Let us indulge the horniness of youth, For we must let our inhibitions go. Sweet genitalia touch the wanting mouth, 'Til jism spurt and lubrication flow. Thy cunt in my mouth, and my cock in thine, Come with me dear, and we shall sixty-nine. -- (c) Joe English. Don't let my mother see this. %% Ouch, Mosquito ============== by Mitchell Peck Submitted by Hugh Cushing Ouch mosquito, silent by night, Why pierce my skin, so white? You grow plump, as a leech. Stop! I beseech (in vein). I have no choice. Why waste my voice, When only a slap will do? Ouch, I am bitten! What ho, you are smitten! Yo mosquito, fuck you. %% Famous Maker Recipes ==================== by Aaron Stern Submitted by Hugh Cushing Jerry Garcia's Brownies ----------------------- Ingredients: 1 ounce marijuana 10 American dollars 1 1987 BMW Procedure: 1) Get fucked up. 2) Send a roadie in the BMW to the store to buy $10 worth of brownies. 3) Eat, man! %% "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" %% Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. Ms. Walters: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small fat, tall, fuck-em all." Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck-em deer." %% Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" %% People who write position papers often find themselves in an enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the position. A good position paper will have many words in it like "superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification." You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper. Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a semicolon. -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" %% This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" "I......I'm 21 and I I've never been kissed... " So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders away feeling wonderful. Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" "I...I'm 21 and I've never been fucked..." The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" %% When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and your play can go fuck yourselves." %% A truck driver was driving down the road one day and sees a hippie hitch-hiking. The truck driver picks him up and the two continue down the road. The guys hair is really long but the trucker decides not to say anything. After about 15 or 20 minutes of total silence, the hippie says, 'Well?' 'Well, what?' responded the truck driver. 'Aren't you going to ask me whether I'm a man or a woman?' asked the hitch-hiker. 'Doesn't matter,' replied the trucker, 'I'm gonna fuck you anyway.' %% Times Are Tough Times Are Hard Here is your Fucking Christmas Card %% An Italian and a Russian were standing at a bus stop one morning, waiting to go to work. Every so often, the Italian would give his middle finger a delicate sniff and exclaim: "Ah, Miranda!" Naturally, the Russian was perplexed. However, he did not feel bold enough to say anything to the Italian. The next morning came round, though, and these two were at the bus stop again. "Ah, Miranda!" said the Italian. "Hm," thought the Russian to himself, "if he does this again tomorrow, I'm definitely going to ask him." Sure enough, the next day the two were there and the Italian gave his middle finger yet another delicate sniff. "Ah, Miranda!" By now the Russian was burning with curiosity. He asked the Italian why he kept sniffing his finger. "Itsa simple," the Italian said. "Every morning Ia giva my girlfriend a finger-fuck. Thata way, I got something to remember her fora the whole day." The Russian was intrigued. He was lost for the whole day, daydreaming during work. The next day, the two were at the bus stop again. The Italian sniffed his middle finger and said: "Ah, Miranda!" The Russian, on cue, buried his face in his shoulder, and inhaling deeply, drew it down the length of his arm. "Ah, Nanushka!" %% Once upon a time, (Couldn't think of a better beginning) there was this guy named Bill. Well Bill wanted to throw a party. And he didn't want to have just any party he wanted to do something new. So he thought and thought, and finally he came up with a new idea. A mood party. He would invite a bunch of people and they would all dress up as different moods and everyone could try and guess what a persons mood was. Finally the day and moment of the party was upon him. The first guest had rung the bell. When he answered it there was a woman all dressed in green. Bill said "Lemmie guess, your jealousy, right?" and she said that he was right. Not much later a man with a scowl on his face dressed all in red came to the door. Bill said "No problem, your rage." The man said "You got it." As more and more people arrived the party was hitting full swing. Bill wasn't having much trouble in identifying the moods that people were dressed as, and if he did everyone else helped. Until the last person arrived. The man was naked with the exception of a pear that his dick was stuck into. Bill could not figure out this mans mood. Everyone tried and nobody could tell. Finally they asked the man what his mood was. "I'm fucking dis pear". %% The teacher explains to the students that she wants them to start at 'A' and continue to 'Z' giving a word that begins with that letter and to use it in a sentence. She calls for volunteers for 'A' and see's Dirty Johnny's hand wave up and down. She does't want to call on him because he may say something like "Ass", so she calls on Mary instead. "Apple. The apple is red," says Mary. The teacher says, "Good, now 'B'" and again calls on someone other than Dirty Johnny because he might say "Bitch"... Sharon says, "Ball. The ball is round." This goes on until she reaches 'R'. She calls for volunteers and only sees Dirty Johnny. She hesitates but decides that 'R' is pretty harmless. "A Rat," says Johnny. With a sigh of relief the teacher prompts him, "And the sentence..." "A big fuckin' rat, with a tail this fuckin' long." %% An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle caus' a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. It was far out of reach. A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak. "Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow. "Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask." The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant." "Be my guest!", said the elephant. So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head. "OUCH!", said the elephant. Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear??" %% "'tis damn well *nobler* to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, than to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, let 'em lick ya. Nay, fuck that ..." %% "Filthy bag of Lovecraftian poison -- nobody fucks with Monsieur Boche!" -- Monsieur Boche, a Hunter S. Thompson clone with brains, balls and the ability to traverse dimensions, in a Matt Howarth comic %% "Fucked by the finger of Fate!" Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. "Since dating Miss Baugh, My whole tongue has been raw-- It must have been something I ate." %% "I broke it??!!? Well, FUCK ME!!!" %% "J. D. Salinger... John Knowles... even James Kirkwood and that guy Don Bredes... they've destroyed being an adolescent,Garraty. If you're a sixteen-year-old boy, you can't discuss the pains of adolescent love with any decency anymore. You just come off sounding like fucking Ron Howard with a hardon." -- Richard Bachman (Stephen King) %% "Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck." -- Robin Williams %% "Next time the motherfucker calls, tell him suck MY dick!" -- Eddie Murphy: Raw %% "The testes are cooler outside," Said the doc to the curious bride, "For the semen must no Get too fucking hot, And the bag fans your bum on the ride." %% "Then why am I talking to you? Who is in authority here? Shut up! You still don't get it, do you? You can't stop him! He'll wade though you, reach down her throat, and rip her fucking heart out! Let!...Let go O me!" %% "There were survivors. here, there. Rounded up for orderly disposal. (Pause) burned in by lase scan. Worked loading bodies. The disposal units ran day and night. We were that close to going out forever. But there was one man. Taught us to fight, to storm the walls of the camp, taught us how to smash those metal motherfuckers into junk. He turned it around. His name was Conner- John Conner- your unborn son." %% "Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it." -- W. C. Fields %% "You never fuck me and I always have to drive." -- "Drugstore Cowboy" %% 'Tis a custom in Castellamare To fuck in the back of a lorry. The chassis and springs Are like woodwinds and strings In the midst of a musical soiree. %% A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out of the bar. The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him, blanched and ran out of the bar. The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister." The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." %% A German, upon hearing that Americans like to eat their steak rare, (often referred to as "Bloody steak") went into an American restaurant to try this meal. When the waiter came to take his order, he said, "I would like a bloody steak." The waiter replied, "Would you like some Fucking wine too ?" %% A Jewish college student telegrams home to his dad, "Need $50 to take out nice girl". Dad replies, "Here's $25 - buy a duck". The guy is a little confused, but goes out and purchases a duck and a leash. The student is walking his duck down 42nd street, and approaches a prostitute. He asks her, "Excuse me, I don't have any money, and I've never had sex before, would you have sex with me if I give you my duck?" Now this hooker was sympathetic towards the boy, and agreed to his proposition. So they went up to her room and had a wonderful time. In fact, she was so impressed, she told him: "Listen, you were _so_ good that I'll give you your duck back if you do it to me again." Of course, the student agreed, and when they were finished the second time, he left with his duck. As he was crossing Main Street, a truck passed by, and the driver didn't notice the duck, and BAMMM! . . . The driver stopped and told the guy, "Gee, I'm sorry about the duck, let me give you $5." The guy went home and wired his dad: "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 5 bucks for a fucked up duck." %% A beautiful belle of Del Norte Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty Because during the day She says: "Boys, keep away!" But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. %% A big tough guy is drinking in a bar when a flamboyant faggot swishes up to him, simpers, and says, "Hey, wanna play some bar football?" "Fuck off, faggot." "C'mon, big boy," insists the fag. "Try bar football, you'll like it." Half drunk, the guy gives in. "Fuck, what is it, anyway?" "You down a shot and that's a touchdown," explains the fag excitedly, "then drop your pants and fart for the extra point." "I'll go first," the gay guy shrieks, then quickly downs his whiskey. "Touchdown, six points," he yells, then just as quickly drops his trou and emits a fart. "Seven to zip, your turn!" The tough guy swallows his whiskey in one gulp, then pulls down his pants. In a flash the fag leaps behind him and sticks a finger up his ass, squealing, "Block that kick! Block that kick!" %% A certain young sheik of Algiers Said to his harem, "My dears, Though you may think it odd of me, I'm tired of just sodomy Let's try straight fucking." (Loud cheers!) %% A cowhand way out in Seattle Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. He said, "No, I can't fuck A lamb or a duck, But golly! it just fits the cattle." %% A doctoral student from Buckingham Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. But a dropout from paree Taught him Gamahuchee - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. %% A german composer named Bruckner Remarked to a lady while fuckener : "Less lento, my dear, With your cute little rear; I like a hot presto when muckener!" %% A good USENET motto would be a. "Together, a strong community." b. "Computers R Us." c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just fuck around for a while on company time." -- A Sane Man %% A haughty young wench of Del Norte Would fuck only men over forty. Said she, "It's too quick With a young fellow's prick; I like it to last, and be warty." %% A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening, the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me." Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven, but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it, Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop! Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams. "Saunders, help me please!" "But what is it, Madame?" "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!" "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!" %% A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" %% A lad from far-off Transvaal Was lustful, but tactful withal. He'd say, just for luck, "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. %% A lecherous barkeep named Dale, After fucking his favorite female, Mixed Drambuie and scotch With the cream in her crotch For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. %% A maiden who travelled in France Once got on a train, just by chance. The engineer fucked her, The conductor sucked her, And the fireman came in his pants. %% A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island. "Come on man, get in" said the boatman. "No", said the guy on the island, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me." The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's chest, another boat appeared. "Get in the boat, or you're going to drown" said the boatman. Again, the guy said "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me." Finally the water was up to the guy's chin when a third boat appeared. "Get in, this is your last chance." "No, Jesus will save me." So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus. "Hey, Jesus," he said, "I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown. I don't believe it." "YOU don't believe it?" Jesus said. "I sent three fucking boats to save you." %% A newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. In twenty-eight days They got laid eighty ways -- Imagine such fucking devotion! %% A pious old woman named Tweak Had taught her vagina to speak. It was frequently liable To quote from the Bible, But when fucking -- not even a squeak! %% A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" "Damn, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" %% A spinster in Kalamazoo Once strolled after dark by the zoo. She was seized by the nape, And fucked by an ape, And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry A man with a prick Half as stiff and as thick As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." %% A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. While the man detumesced She still spent on with zest, Her rapture sheer anachronism. %% A talented girl from Detroit Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. She could squeeze her vagina To a pin-point or finer Or open it out like a quoit. %% A trapper named Francois Lefebrve Once captured and buggered a beabrve. The result of this fuck Was a three titted duck, A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. %% A young polo-player of Berkeley Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. In the midst of each chukker He would break off and fuck her Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. %% A young woman got married at Chester, Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. Says she, "You're in luck, He's a stunning good fuck, For I've had him myself down in Leicester." %% An Argentine gaucho named Bruno Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. Women are fine And sheep are divine But llamas are numero uno." %% An exotic young lady named Suki Once danced in a troupe of kabuki When asked for a fuck She said, "Solly, no luck-- See here: looky looky, no nuki " %% As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me. %% At the moment Japan declared war A sailor was fucking a whore. He said, "After this poke `Long and hard' ain't no joke; This means months 'til I get back ashore." %% BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!! %% CINDERELLA 10: A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six-pack. %% COORS: Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water. %% Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Jack Frost ripping up your nose Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire And folks dressed up like buffaloes Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow Helps to make the season right Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out Will find it hard to see tonight They know that Santa's on his way He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh And every mother's child is sure to spy To see if reindeer really scream when they die And so I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to ninety two Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! %% Chorus: I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady. I don't want a bullet up me ass 'ole, I don't want me pecker blown away, I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England, And fornicate me bloody life away!! Monday I touched her on the ankle, Tuesday I touched her on the knee, And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress, And Thursday I saw you know what, Friday I put me hand upon it, Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak] And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er, And now she pays me forty quid a week! Oh, blimey... [chorus] %% Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. -- Tom Robbins %% Copa-ulation: (to the tune of Copacabana) Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair, She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go, And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar, And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come, His favorite drink is cream in coffee, Won't you order one? At the Copa, Copa-ulation ... Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl, But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow, Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown, She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind, But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings, But a real good time ... %% Do something big -- fuck a giant %% Doctor: Mr. Jones, I'm afraid you wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease. Mr. Jones: You mean with today's medical technology you can't tell the difference? What am I supposed to do? Doctor: Take your wife out for a drive. Drop her off about half a mile from home. If she finds her way back, don't fuck her. %% Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep. It's easy, but it's not very satisfying. %% Don't drink the water: fish fuck in it. -- W. C. Fields %% Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking, but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that. -- Grace Slick %% Every analysis leaves a residue of the unknown; this we call God or Karma or--depending on time and place--the UFO. (Unidentified Fucking Object). -- Edward Abbey %% Exuberant Sue from Anjou Found that fucking affected her hue. She presented to sight Nipples pink, bottom white; But her asshole was purple and blue. %% FUCKOFF: The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant. %% Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks... -- James Joyce %% Fire lookout, 1400 hours, ferocious lightning storm. Me and God. That fucker is trying to get me again, God damn him. But I got me old .357.... -- Edward Abbey %% For a good fuck call (714) 593-6494. Ask for "Bluchaclosk". %% Fuck art; let's dance! %% Fuck off and die! %% Fuck the Jews, they didn't vote for us anyway. -- Secretary of State James Baker %% Fuck'em if they can't take a joke! %% Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. It makes you sick, it makes you well, It turns your spine to fucking jell, It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. %% GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! %% God is big, so don't fuck with him. %% Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. %% He who let woman on top is fucking up. %% He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! %% Hey baby! How 'bout a brutal face fuck? %% His wife had a nice little cunt: It was hairy, and soft, and in front, And with this she would fuck him, Though sometimes she'd suck him -- A charming, if commonplace, stunt. %% How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles? Trust me %% How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? Fuck off. %% I came; I saw; I fucked up %% I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut. %% I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. %% I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier. As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have." "Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?" "Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing." "Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile. "Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?" "Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?" "Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?" "Because he fucks pigs!" %% I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. %% If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it. -- Tommy Earl Bruner %% If men didn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. %% If you're dumb enough, you can fuck up anything. -- karl@neosoft.com %% In every language, the first word after "Mama!" that every kid learns to say is "Mine!" A system that doesn't allow ownership, that doesn't allow you to say "Mine!" when you grow up, has -- to put it mildly -- a fatal design flaw. >From the time Mr. Developing Nation was forced to read "The Little Red Book" in exchange for a blob of rice, till the time he figured out that waiting in line for a loaf of pumpernickel was boring as fuck, took about three generations. ... Decades of indoctrination, manipulation, censorship and KGB excursions haven't altered ths fact: People want a piece of their own little Something-or-Other, and, if they don't get it, have a tendency to initiate counterrevolution. -- Frank Zappa, "The Real Frank Zappa Book" %% It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". %% It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" %% It's so fuckin' great to be alive! %% Kasha, n.: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help *___you* much. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" %% LAGNAF: Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! %% Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. %% Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something". Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learnt. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up." Martin's mother said "Wait until your father gets home." When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied "Get fucked. Thats the electrician's job." %% Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you." "Eat, eat, eat," Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" %% MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "THE GHOUL (Sinister Cinema) 1933. Boris Karloff, correctly sensing that his indifferent relatives, his corrupt accountant, and his slavishly persnickety butler are all going to steal his estate blind, comes back from the grave and scares the whoozits out of the greedy fuckers." %% Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues: Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you. Mickey : Oh? Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was fuckin' Goofy. %% Mickey Mouse was trying to convince a judge to give him a divorce from Minnie Mouse: Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but you claiming Minnie is crazy is not a valid reason for me to grant a divorce." Mickey: "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was Fucking Goofey!" %% Mistress Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, And one fucked-up petunia. %% Money is scarce, * Times are hard, /|\ Here's your fucking Christmas card. I %% Motto of the Electrical Engineer: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. %% Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing. Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers. That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano tonight. Now, don't you dare move." Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare, and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to the door. Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!" %% My back aches, my pussy is sore; I simply can't fuck any more; I'm covered with sweat, And you haven't come yet, And my God, it's a quarter to four! -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint %% My back hurts, my penis is sore I simply can't fuck any more. I'm dripping with sweat, You haven't come yet, My god, its a quarter to four! %% My personal computer "toolkit" consists of 1 hammer and 1 rubber. My motto, "If you can't fix it, fuck it!" %% OR (Obnoxious General Features: SLOPPY. Disheveled hair. Old, Rowdy) dirty, or torn clothing. Beat-up shoes. Perpetual ass-holish grin or obnoxious frown. Sometimes the mouth stays open. 'Ass Hole' 'Rowdy' Behavior Summary: None really needed. OR's have a constant 'Partier' overwhelming need to encroach on everyone else's life. 'Slime' Everything they do is aimed against or in spite of someone or something. OR's can use the word 'fucking' as anything from a noun to a preposition. They use 'faggot,' or 'dude,' as personal pronouns. %% Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. %% Of his face she thought not very much, But then, at the very first touch, Her attitude shifted -- He was terribly gifted At frigging and fucking and such. %% Once there was this jogger, doing what joggers do along the beach when he spies this woman laying on the beach crying. He decides to go over and try to comfort her. He does go over and sees that this poor woman has no arms or legs. Although that seems like a pretty good reason to cry, he asks her "Why are you crying?". She sniffs "I've never been hugged!" So he hugs her. She stops crying and he runs on down the beach. The next day, this jogger is doing what joggers do along the beach when he spies this woman laying on the beach crying. He goes over and sees that it is the same woman from yesterday. He asks "Now what are you crying about?". She whines "I've never been kissed!" So he kisses her. She stops crying and he runs on down the beach. The day after that, this jogger is doing what joggers do along the beach when he spies this woman laying on the beach crying. He goes over and says "What's the matter now?". She whispers "I've never been fucked!". So he picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says "Now you're fucked!", and runs on down the beach. %% Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes down." So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, you're not! You're going to eat me like the story says!" %% One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable little dog. What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over, he asked, "Child, what is your name?" "Blossom," she replied. "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your parents come to choose such a pretty name?" "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly. How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he inquired. "Porky," was the child's reply. Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen. "Because he likes to fuck pigs." %% PHILADELPHIA FLYING FUCK: Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring him orally. Ed. Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if you do, please inform us of the results at Box 1597, Rockville IL. Thank you. %% People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels. Why not? Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free of cholesterol ... but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the circuits. When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter of time before he gets smashed--and when a journalist turns into a politics junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand. -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" %% People who live in glass house fuck in basement. %% Pros and Cons of Death: PRO: No more getting cut up by fuckin sea shells sticking up in the sand. CON: No more beach. %% Pros and Cons of Death: PRO: Nobody tellin you what to do. CON: Not being able to tell the boss to "kiss my fuckin ass, im gone!!" %% Pros and Cons of Death: PRO: You will never have another 'bad fuck'. CON: You will never experience orgasm again! %% Q. How do Pollacks have oral sex? A. They sit next to each other and say "fuck you". %% Q. How do you fuck a fat woman? A. Roll her in flour and aim for the wet spot. %% Q. What do Chtorrans call a grizzly bear? A. A good fuck %% Q. What do you get when you cross a whore with a computer? A. A fucking know-it-all. %% Q. Why is fucking a fat woman like riding a moped? A. It's fun, but you don't want your friends to know. %% Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: You fuck her. %% Reach out and fuck someone. %% Reusable Condoms: Just shake the fuck out of them. %% Said a pornographistic young poet "Although I perhaps do not show it, My interest in sin Is wearing quite thin, And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." %% So you fucked up... you trusted us! -- Animal House %% Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck." -- Risky Business %% TRUST ME: Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse she rode in on." %% The Enterprise crew when off work Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. Uhura the Zulu Is shacked up with Sulu, And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. %% The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, And cried, "Oh, my dear, I am coming, I fear, But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." %% The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher Called a girl a most elegant creature. So she laid on her back And, exposing her crack, Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" %% The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : They have kept me awake for a week. Why do newlyweds Select squeaky beds To develop their fucking technique? A TOAST %% The blacksmith told me before he died And I have no reason to believe that he lied That no matter how he tried His wife was never satisfied! And so he built a bloody great wheel Harnessed to a cock of steel Two balls of brass were filled with cream And the whole damn thing was driven by steam Round and round went the bloody great wheel In and out went the cock of steel Till at last the maiden cried Enough! Enough! I am satisfied And now we come to the crucial bit There was no way of stopping it And she was split from hole to hole And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit... %% The country dog's report on returning from a first trip to town: "Stand still, they fuck you to death; run and they eat your ass out." -- Edward Abbey %% The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..." %% The fearless old bishop of Brest Put his faith in the Lord to the test. He fucked whores in the apse With chancres and claps, But first they were sprinkled and blessed. %% The fucking ain't worth the fighting. %% The girl told the lawyer, "Let's net us Enough so the jerk won't forget us! I said I'd cohabit; He fucked like a rabbit -- And so now I want half of his lettuce!" %% The latest reports from Good Hope State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, And fuck high, wide, and free, From the top of one tree To the top of the next -- what a scope! %% The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her. %% The sex life of spiders is very interesting. He fucks her. She bites his head off. -- From a Women's Lib Poster %% The skater, Barbara Ann Scott Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, That when posed on her toes She elaborately shows Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. %% The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly, And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway, To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day. My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread, I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head. -- Debbie Smith, "Good Morning" %% There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest. %% There has got to be a God; the world could not have become so fucked up by chance alone. -- Edward Abbey %% There is a young faggot named Mose Who insists that you fuck his long nose. And you'll double the joy Of this lecherous boy If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. %% There once was a boy named Carruthers Who was busily fucking his mother "I know it's a sin," He said, shoving it in, "But it's better than blowing my brother." %% There once was a clergyman's daughter Who detested the pony he bought her, Till she found that its dong Was as hard and as long As the prayers her father had taught her. She married a fellow named Tony Who soon found her fucking the pony. Said he, "What's it got, My dear, that I've not?" Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." %% There once was a floozie named Annie Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: A buck for a fuck, Fifty cents for a suck, And a dime for a feel of her fanny. %% There once was a guardsman from Buckingham Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. But when I meet boys, God! how I enjoys Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." %% There once was a jolly old bloke Who picked up a girl for a poke. He took down her pants, Fucked her into a trance, And then shit into her shoe for a joke. %% There once was a man named Parridge With peculiar views on marriage. He sucked off his brother, Fucked his own mother, And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. %% There once was a son-of-a-bitch, Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, Yet the girls he would dazzle, And fuck to a frazzle, And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! %% There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy. "Yes", replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown cow". There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull *surprised* the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull *surprises* the white cow". The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy". "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!" %% There was a mad pilot named Lizzy, Whose manners were said to be skizzy. She could loop, she could twirl, She could make your head whirl. She left all her men fucking dizzy." %% There was a strong man of Drumrig Who one day did seven times frig. He buggered three sailors, Four dogs and two tailors, And ended by fucking a pig. %% There was a young bride, a Canuck, Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. You say that I, maybe, Can have my first baby-- Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" %% There was a young fellow from Parma Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. Said the damsel demure, "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, But I must say you fuck like a farmer." %% There was a young fellow named Bowen Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. It grew so tremendous, So long and so pendulous, 'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. %% There was a young fellow named Charteris Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. Said she, "I don't mind, And higher up you'll find The place where my fucker and farter is." %% There was a young fellow named Cribbs Whose cock was so big it had ribs. They were inches apart, And to suck it took art, While to fuck it took forty-two trips. %% There was a young fellow named Fyfe Whose marriage was ruined for life, For he had an aversion To every perversion, And only liked fucking his wife. Well, one year the poor woman struck, And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, And said, "Where have you gotten us With your goddamn monotonous Fuck after fuck after fuck? "I once knew a harlot named Lou -- And a versatile girl she was, too. After ten years of whoredom She perished of boredom When she married a jackass like you!" %% There was a young fellow named Gluck Who found himself shit out of luck. Though he petted and wooed, When he tried to get screwed He found virgins just don't give a fuck. %% There was a young fellow named Grant Who was made like the sensitive plant. When they asked "Do you fuck?" He replied, "No such luck. I would if I could, but I can't." %% There was a young fellow named Grimes Who fucked his girl seventeen times In the course of a week -- And this isn't to speak Of assorted venereal crimes. %% There was a young fellow named Pell Who didn't like cunt very well. He would finger or fuck one, But never would suck one-- He just couldn't get used to the smell. %% There was a young fellow named Prynne Whose prick was so short and so thin, His wife found she needed A Fuckoscope -- she did -- To see if he'd gotten it in. %% There was a young fellow of Mayence Who fucked his own arse in defiance Not only of custom And morals, dad-bust him, But of most of the known laws of science. %% There was a young girl in Berlin Who eked out a living through sin. She didn't mind fucking, But much preferred sucking, And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. %% There was a young girl of Cah'lina, Had a very capricious vagina: To the shock of the fucker "Twould suddenly pucker, And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." %% There was a young girl of Cape Town Who usually fucked with a clown. He taught her the trick Of sucking his prick, And when it went up -- she went down. %% There was a young girl of Coxsaxie Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. She was fucked at the show In the twenty-third row, And once more going home in the taxi. %% There was a young girl of Detroit Who at fucking was very adroit: She could squeeze her vagina To a pin-point, or finer, Or open it out like a quoit. And she had a friend named Durand Whose cock could contract or expand. He could diddle a midge Or the arch of a bridge -- Their performance together was grand! %% There was a young girl of Moline Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. She would work on a prick With every known trick, And finish by winking it clean. %% There was a young girl of Pawtucket Whose box was as big as a bucket. Her boy-friend said, "Toots, I'll have to wear boots, For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." %% There was a young girl of Penzance Who boarded a bus in a trance. The passengers fucked her, Likewise the conductor, While the driver shot off in his pants. %% There was a young girl of Pitlochry Who was had by a man in a rockery. She said, "Oh! You've come All over my bum; This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." %% There was a young lady named Grace Who would not take a prick in her "place." Though she'd kiss it and suck it, She never would fuck it-- She just couldn't relax face-to-face. %% There was a young lady named May Who strolled in a park by the way, And she met a young man Who fucked her and ran -- Now she goes to the park every day. %% There was a young lady named Nance Who learned about fucking in France, And when you'd insert it She'd squeeze till she hurt it, And shoved it right back in your pants. %% There was a young lady named Twiss Who said she thought fucking a bliss, For it tickled her bum And caused her to come .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW %% There was a young lady of Ealing And her lover before her was kneeling. Said she, "Dearest Jim, Take your hands off my quim; I much prefer fucking to feeling." %% There was a young lady of Rhyll In an omnibus was taken ill, So she called the conductor, Who got in and fucked her, Which did more good than a pill. %% There was a young lady of Spain Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. They did it again And again and again, And again and again and again. %% There was a young man from Bear Ridge Who had strange ideas about marriage. He fucked his wife's mother And sucked off her brother And ate up her sister's miscarriage. %% There was a young man from Hong Kong Who had a trifurcated prong: A small one for sucking, A large one for fucking, And a `boney' for beating a gong. %% There was a young man from Nantucket Whose cock was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, While wiping his chin, "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." %% There was a young man from Racine Who invented a fucking machine. Concave or convex, It served either sex, But oh what a bitch to keep clean. %% There was a young man from Rangoon Who used to lament 'neath the moon That he had the luck To be born of a fuck That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. %% There was a young man from Seattle Whose testicles tended to rattle. He said as he fuck-ed Some stones in a bucket, "If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." %% There was a young man in Madrid Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. When they said, "Are you faint?" He replied, "No I ain't, But I don't feel as good as I did. %% There was a young man named Zerubbabub Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club But the pride of his life Were the tits of his wife -- One real, and one India-rubber bub. %% There was a young man of Bombay Who buggered his dad once a day. He said, "I like, rather, Fucking my father -- He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." %% There was a young man of Khartoum Who lured a poor girl to her doom. He not only fucked her, But buggered and sucked her-- And left her to pay for the room. %% There was a young man of Kildare Who was fucking a girl on the stair. The bannister broke, But he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. %% There was a young man of Missouri Who fucked with a terrible fury. Till hauled into court For his beastial sport, And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. %% There was a young man of Natal Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. Said she, "You're a sluggard!" Said he, "You be buggered! I like to fuck slow and I shall." %% There was a young man of Ostend Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. "It's no use, my duck, Interrupting our fuck, For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." %% There was a young man with a prick Which into his wife he would stick Every morning and night If it stood up all right -- Not a very remarkable trick. His wife had a nice little cunt: It was hairy, and soft, and in front, And with this she would fuck him, Though sometimes she'd suck him -- A charming, if commonplace, stunt. %% There was a young person of Kent Who was famous wherever he went. All the way through a fuck, He would quack like a duck, And he crowed like a cock when he spent. %% There was a young woman named Florence Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, But they found her in bed With her cunt flaming red, And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. %% There was an old man from Duluth Whose cock was shot off in his youth. He fucked with his nose Or his fingers and toes And he came thru a hole in his tooth. %% There was an old woman of Ghent Who swore that her cunt had no scent. She got fucked so often At last she got rotten, And didn't she stink when she spent. %% There were three ladies of Huxham, And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, And when that game grows stale We sits on a rail, And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. %% There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu Who's often been screwed by yours truly, But now--it's appallin'-- My balls always fall in! I fear that I've fucked her unduly. %% There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, But her cunt's got a pucker That's best not to fuck, or When least you expect it to, it'll lock. %% There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. When one pireg is shot, There's that alternate twat, But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. %% There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, Exceedingly hard to get onto, But when you get there, And have parted the hair, You can fuck her as much as you want to. %% This guy walks up to a whorehouse and knocks on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Chris." "What do you want, Chris?" "I want to get fucked!" "Slide twenty dollars under the door." <...waits a few minutes...> <...knocks again.> "Who is it?" "It's Chris!" "What do you want, Chris?" "I want to get fucked!" "AGAIN??!!" %% This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put "di-dah" for the filthy words: Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; di-dah di-dah di-dah? Di-dah di-dah di-dah. Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. %% Today is a good day to fuck off. %% Two eager young men from Cawnpore Once buggared and fucked the same whore. But her partition split And the blood and the shit Rolled out in a mess on the floor. %% Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?" Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply was no. The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin' your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head. At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!" %% Two midgets walked up to a convent and knocked at the front gate and asked for the mother superior. One of them asked if there was a midget nun at the convert. When the mother superior said no the first midget smacked the other and said,"I told you that you were fucking a penguin." %% We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's called civilization and its discontents. -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" %% Well, I went to a party, and what did they do? They took off their socks and they took off their shoes. They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants, I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance. Everybody, everbody's ass was bare, No bras left, just a queer over there. But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit; I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. My baby's not a sports fan, But she plays with balls whenever she can. 'Cause her favorite sport you see, Is playing tonsil hockey. [chorus] Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew; Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw. Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit; Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit. (AH! Fuck!) (AH! Fuck!) (AH! Fuck!) (AH! Fuck!) (AH! Fuck!) (AH! Fuck!) (AH! Fuck!) (AH! Fuck!) !!!!! -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song" %% Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked her twice and slapped her. %% What has 100 balls and fucks rabbits? A shotgun! %% What the fuck, over? %% When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! %% When you fuck little Annie in Anza You get a great bossom bonanza : Sucking Annie's soft tits Makes her throw fifty fits, And the fuck is a sextravaganza! %% While sitting 'neath an oak one morn "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift In thought on this and that, Of music and of wit! A tiny, twitt'ring little bird Why didst thou feel that my best hat A load dropped in my hat. Was thy best place to shit?" "Thy music gladdens my poor soul, The tiny bird a few notes sang, And brings joy to my heart. Then answer'd "Pardon me, But tell me, little bird divine, For thy hat I thought was my nest, Why didst thou not just fart?" A-fallen from the tree." I rose and stood in solemn awe His words to better mull, Then lifted up a paving block And crushed his fucking skull. -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird" %% Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. %% You play ball with us, and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass. %% You see that fucking fish? If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught. -- Sam Giancana %% You wanna play the dozens, Well, the dozens is a game, But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame! -- George Carlin %% You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : He buggers the choir As they sing "Ave Maria," And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. %% all this fuckin' pent-up shit %% CHEERLEADERS Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary. %% LEG WARMERS Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line. %% LOCKER ROOMS In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. %% RICHARD GERE Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. %% SEX:CHAPTER 3-SEX IN ANCIENT ROME Romans created the world's first Birth control device. It was known as 'Throwing Christians to the Lions.' But while this device worked wonders in cutting down the Christian population, it did occasionally cause troublesome side effects...Namely, very fat lions. %% SEX:CHAPTER 5-SEX DURING THE MIDDLE AGES Sex in the Middle Ages was a beautiful experience that was both uplifting and poetic. On their wedding night, the knight would take the lady in his arms, whisper softly in her ear, gently hold her closer, kiss her tenderly, and then in a fit of extreme passion, he would run out and kill a dragon. %% WHY TEACHING IS LIKE HAVING SEX 1) It's a lot more work than it looks. 2) You can't bluff your way through it. 3) You don't want to have to look at the manual in the middle of it. 4) A bad 50 minutes can send you into therapy. 5) You don't realize how little you know about it until you've actually done it once. %% SEX:CHAPTER 2-SEX DURING THE STONE AGE (see chapter 36-How to arouse a 25-year-old suburban housewife) %% "Hello, Police Department." "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down. I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my... Just a minute." "What's the matter, mister?" "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." %% Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you... uh... don't have all the..." "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" %% During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" %% It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings. The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. -- Playboy (January 1983) %% One evening, a priest was walking down a street in the seamy section of downtown. A prostitute approached him with the following words: "Hey father, how about a blow-job for ten dollars?". While not being familiar with much crude sexual vernacular, he knew what the woman was and that she was making some sort of a sexual gesture. Of course, he refused and continued down the street. For the rest of the walk back to the rectory he kept rolling the word "blowjob" around in his head trying to figure out what it meant. He finally makes it back to the rectory still puzzled as to what, specifically, is a blowjob. Upon entering the rectory he happens upon one of the nuns who worked in his parish. Concerned that he may have to deal with this term later on, (we all know what wonderful sexual counselors priests are) he decides to risk embarrassing the nun to see if she knows what a blowjob is. "Hey, sister," he reluctantly asks, "what's a blowjob?" To which the nun replies, "Ten dollars, same as downtown." %% One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM." With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength. Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses. -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" %% There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days. Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test. "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there." "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that." "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Safeway anymore either." %% Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer." %% What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice and they remain permanent influences on your life. Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" %% When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" %% Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. -- Quote from a 1910 periodical %% And what do you do if you come upon a dark cave? Then the knowledgeable wizard would say: "Into darkness, let there be light." And the truly knowledgeable wizard would add: "Let there also be cheese, bread, fresh vegetables, plenteous members of the opposite sex, and enough mead to make it a thoroughly enjoyable weekend!" -- Thirty Days to Better Wizardry, by Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms, fourth edition %% A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town. The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!" "No women? What do the men do for... er..." "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the streets?  That's the answer, right there." Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him. "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this?" "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. %% Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by cats. You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. They're neat. They don't shit all over the place. They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something about it. They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible. It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. %% "... The problem is you, so whacha gonna do?" -- The Sex Pistols %% "...and then, of course, there's what's-his-name... the one who lives in Metropolis." -- Batman cites precedents for inhuman sexual behavior in SWAMP THING %% "98% of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other 2% have to generate their own sex and violence." -- Franklin P. Jones %% "Colleges should teach sex education, after all, when it comes to screwing people they're the best." -- Patrick J. Murphy %% "Dan, you risked your LIFE for cheap sex?" "You say that as if it were a bad thing." -- Harry and Dan from NIGHT COURT %% "Dear Advertisers: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Some of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again ..." -- Grandpa Simpson in "Bart the General", from The Simpsons %% "Discussing whether Black and White comics will survive is like asking whether sex will survive AIDS." -- Will Eisner %% "Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one out the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'." -- Patrick Dockhorn, dockhorn@probitas.cs.utas.edu.au %% "For certain people after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex." -- Gore Vidal %% "Hey, I think his heart has stopped." "Let's give him a few more minutes." -- Penny and Hopey discussing the results of a sexual encounter in LOVE & ROCKETS %% "Hmmm... Equality is bad for the country? Well, at least we know where you stand now. I also remember a lot of your ilk saying things about how the ERA was going to require unisex bathrooms. Equality is not the same as identical. If you can't get that straight, you're going to have a lot of trouble programming in C." -- Russell Nelson, nelson@clutx.clarkson.edu %% "How many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't felt sexually attracted to mice?" -- Monty Python %% "I am just," moaned a girl from Racine, "A perpetual motion machine. I can't help it. I must. For I service the lust Of a sex-starved young U.S. Marine." %% "I can't believe you haven't had sex in 200 years." "204 if you count my marriage." -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" %% "I do love a lay every day, So whenever you're coming this way Just phone in advance And I'll jerk off my pants, And we're set for a sexy soiree!" %% "I help people with their investments, until they have nothing left." -- Woody Allen, "A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy" %% "I listen to feminists and all these radical gals -- most of them are failures. They've blown it. Some of them have been married, but they married some Casper Milquetoast who asked permission to go to the bathroom. These women just need a man in the house. That's all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they're mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They're sexist. They hate men -- that's their problem." -- Reverend Jerry Falwell, sexist-to-the-max %% "I use more sex than violence 'cause I know more about it." -- Howard Chaykin %% "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, or Unix for everyone, but they work for me." -- Jim Thompson (jthomp@central.sun.com), paraphrasing Hunter S. Thompson %% "If this is foreplay, I'm a dead man!" -- Mental Sex in COCOON %% "If you are caught with the Queen, the King will cut off your arms, your legs, and your head. Well, five out of six isn't bad." -- Woody Allen "Everything you Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask" %% "It has been said that motor racing shares in common with sex the distinction of being of the most popular, most maligned and least understood of human activities. -- Charles Beaumont and William F. Nolan from "Omnibus of Speed" %% "Marriage is the death of hope." -- Woody Allen, "A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy" %% "Nah, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn." "Yeah, would they send us someplace special?" -- Bill Murray and Harold Ramis in an Army recruiting station in STRIPES %% "Okay, Sister, I never hurt a nun before..." "Undt you won't hurt one now, you little turd." -- A street punk addressing a transexual, former Nazi nun nicknamed "Sister Twyster." From "The Badger" %% "One of the prison psychiatrists asked me if I thought sex was dirty, and I said it is if you're doing it right." -- Woody Allen, "Take the Money and Run" %% "President Reagan has advised the youth of America that it is a good idea to practice total abstinence from sex. And that is a good suggestion, Mr. President... now tell it to the Marines." -- Mark Russell %% "Programming is like sex: Everyone thinks they do it better than anyone else." %% "Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you." %% "Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?" -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "Sex alleviates tension. Marriage causes it." -- Woody Allen, "A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy" %% "Sex should be friendly, otherwise it's just mucus membrane friction." -- Robert A. Heinlein %% "Studies show 80 percent of all Americans know about home computers. That's higher than the percentage of Americans who know about sex." %% "TB, or not TB, that is the congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough, of cough." -- Woody Allen, "Everything you Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask" %% "The Church doesn't have problems with sex; the world does" -- Vatican official %% "The apes were all homosexuals, eager to wrap their paws around Johnny's thighs. They were jealous of me, and I loathed them." -- Maureen O'Sullivan %% "The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity." -- Edward Gibbon (1734-1794), "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" %% "There is no doubt I should be tarred and feathered." -- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM %% "To me, the term 'sexual freedom' meant freedom from having to have sex." -- Jane Wagner %% "We're going to talk about sex--you're going to talk about sex, because I can't remember." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "Well, Madam," the Bishop declared, While the Vicar just mumbled and stared, "'Twere better, perhaps, In the crypt or the apse, Because sex in the nave must be shared." %% "Well... everybody's being very careful, these days, sexually, but there are still several pockets of promiscuity... the Marines and the Evangelists." -- Mark Russell %% "Where I come from, equality of the sexes is a given -- so WE can hit ANYONE." "Oh... thank you... SO much... for explainnnn..." -- 24th century manners, courtesy of THE JUSTICE LEAGUE %% "Where I come from, equality of the sexes is a given -- so WE can hit ANYONE." "Oh... thank you... SO much... for explainnnn..." "And God help whoever gets in our way!" "Dimitri...?" "YES, Alexi? "We're not supposed to believe in God." "Oh. That's right." %% "Whoever said talk is cheap never saw a bill for Phone sex." -- Michael Corcoran %% "You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "`Never turn down a chance to have sex or go on television,' Gore Vidal is supposed to have said. At the rate things are going, people will soon be advertising to do both at the same time." -- TRB in THE NEW REPUBLIC %% 'Hello. Peter and Ester can't come to the phone right now because we are busy having hot, passionate, sex. If you leave your name and number at the tone, we'll be sure to get back to you after we are done ... if we have the energy. Thank you... ' %% ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles. -- Harlan Ellison %% ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. -- Alix Kates Shulman %% 6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction. %% 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. Nine in the second place means: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. Six in the third place means: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! %% 9 out of 10 dentists recommend oral sex.... %% : /-\ /-\ : | x | n : \ (e) = -+- (u) : | | : \_/ | : :(i.e. the integral of e to the x is equal to the function of u to the n) :after looking carefully it reads sex = fun. Yes it is true, it really :is on Cal Poly's math department's T-shirts. %% >How do you get a JAP to stop having sex with you? Marry her. %% >What's the definition of a Jewish nymphomaniac? One that has sex when she's just had her hair done. %% >Why does a JAP close her eyes when she's having sex? She hates to see anyone else having fun. So she can fantasize about shopping. %% A Frenchman who lived in Alsace Had sex with a virgin named Grace. When he popped her cherry, She made things hairy By bleeding all over his face. %% A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on this barren bit of land. "Almost twenty years," he answered. "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?" "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he replied. "And what do you do for sex?" she asked. "What's that?" He looked puzzled. Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it. "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" %% A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. %% A bright young university tutor Fed his sex history to a computer. Due to pulse-circuit stalls, It reprogrammed his balls, And he found himself totally neuter. %% A distinguished professor from Swarthmore Got along with a sexy young sophomore. As quick as a glance He stripped off his pants, But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. %% A dolly in Dallas named Alice, Whose overworked sex is all callous, Wore the foreskin away On uncircumcised Ray, Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. %% A finicky man from Australia With the ladies was largely a failure. He said, "Sex may be fun But in the long run It will damage my fine genitalia." %% A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says "well I used to be a guy and got a sex change" The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "what was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they scooped out half my brains" %% A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs. -- Solomon Short %% A lady who signs herself "Vexed" Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: "I don't mind my shins Being stuck full of pins, But I fear I am coming unsexed." -- Edward Gorey %% A limerick of classic proportion Should have meter and rhyme and a portion Of humor quite lewd and a frightfully crude Impossible sexual contortion. %% A madam who ran a bordello Put come in her pineapple jello, For the rich, sexy taste And not wanting to waste That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. %% A man goes to a local bordello, desperate for sex, but low on money. And, this being a typical whorehouse, with the standard "No cash -- no gash" rule, the fellow is quite concerned that his meagre funds will not prove sufficient for his purposes. The madam assures him that he can be accommodated, however. He goes into the room he is directed to, and finds a beautiful whore there. Happily surprised by what his small cache has rented him, he begins to employ the prostitute. Upon entering, however, he finds he is in *extreme* pain. His penis feels like it is being rasped by sandpaper. He withdraws immediately, and complains to the prostitute. She leaves, promising to return in a more satisfactory condition. About ten minutes later, she returns, and they begin again. This time, she feels as smooth as silk within. The man enjoys the best evening of sex he has ever had. Afterwards, as he is dressing, he asks her, "The first time we started, it felt really rough, but when you came back it felt great. What did you do?" She replies, "Oh, I just picked off the scabs...." %% A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her. "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely anything to show my gratitude." "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash and take that damn dog for a walk!" %% A man may be completely truthful about the number of times he has had sex, but never about his endurance. -- John Francis Putnam (1964) %% A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts: First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world, and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog, and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up, and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I was a little surprised that you chose the golf - I take it your sex life is outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "for a Catholic priest in a little town in South Dakota it doesn't seem so bad." %% A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", attempting to explain the lack of female interest in pornography %% A psychiatrist said, "It's no matter That my husband is mad as a hatter. There are certain psychoses That bring sex in large doses. My husband, you see, is satyr." %% A seaman (pun intended) arrives in port in the Phillipines. His cruise has lasted 6 months, and he is DESPERATE for sex, but he only has $10. Armed with his sawbuck, he locates one of the less reputable (even for the Phillipines) whorehouses. When learning he only has $10, the madam tries to get rid of him. However, the seaman is persistent, and the madam finally tells him that there is someone he can have for $10. She tells him to go up to the top floor, in the last room in the back. The seaman rushes up to the room excitedly, only to find a sickly looking girl asleep on the bed. He is so horny, however, that he just rips his clothes off and starts screwing the girl without trying to wake her up. When he finishes, he looks down at the girl and notices that she seems to be foaming at the mouth. Horrified, he runs downstairs to tell the madam that her girl is sick. The madam takes the news very calmly, and after he tells her, she says "Oh, that's OK. I'll just call the morgue to get a new one; that one's full" %% A sex-loving coed named Bree Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. The joystick, she found, Had been fooling around With a neighboring student's PC. %% A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity for fun at the lad's expense. "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand. The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now give him the proper size. "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a half interest in the store." %% A stately giraffe, when he necks, Or a hippo, when he's having sex, Aren't worth a tut-tut To the bellowing rut Of the great Tyrannosaurus Rex. %% A stunning young lady named Joan Thought a penis was made with a bone. She just didn't know 'Twas her sexual glow That turned parts of men into stone. %% A virtuous maiden named Nora Viewed sexual sinning with horror. But a bit of love play Was indulged in today And who knows what she'll think by tomorrow. %% A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile." %% A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex. -- Balzac %% A young fellow received much acclaim For his skill at the sexual game. A real Juggernaut He easily brought Three girls to the peak ere he came. %% A young man from a lofty sierra Found sex both a puzzle and terror. But he met with a lass In a similar pass And they both learned--by trial and error. %% A young woman from South Carolina Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina. With the proper-sized cocks What was sex became Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. %% A) Socrates was a man. B) All men are mortal. C) All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. -- Woody Allen, "Love and Death" %% AMAZING ANCIENT SYRIAN MONOLITH CURES SEXUAL FRIGIDITY %% ARCHAEOLOGISTS CLAIM SEX-CHANGE DINOSAURS INVENTED ORAL SEX %% Absence makes the heart grow fonder. -- Sextus Aurelius %% Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... %% After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him. "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist." "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully. "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave. "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will embarrass us. "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?" "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my sister." A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said, "is room and board and a half-interest in the business." %% Alien Sex Fiend %% All we ever talk about is sex! %% An AI researcher named Bluth Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, Eroticon VI, Which he taught certain tricks Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. %% An Animal that knows who it is, one that has a sense of his own identity, is a discontented creature, doomed to create new problems for himself for the duration of his stay on this planet. Since neither the mouse nor the chip knows what is, he is spared all the vexing problems that follow this discovery. But as soon as the human animal who asked himself this question emerged, he plunged himself and his descendants into an eternity of doubt and brooding, speculation and truth-seeking that has goaded him through the centuries as relentlessly as hunger or sexual longing. The chimp that does not know that he exists is not driven to discover his origins and is spared the tragic necessity of contemplating his own end. And even if the animal experimenters succeed in teaching a chimp to count one hundred bananas or to play chess, the chimp will develop no science and he will exhibit no appreciation of beauty, for the greatest part of man's wisdom may be traced back to the eternal questions of beginnings and endings, the quest to give meaning to his existence, to life itself. -- Selma Fraiberg, "The Magic Years", pg. 193 %% An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only person who will sit on its face is its mother. %% An elderly woman walks into a large furniture store and is approached by a much younger salesman. "May I help you, mam", asks the young man. "Yes", replies the old lady, "I'd like a sexual sofa". The man is taken aback. "You mean a sectional sofa", the young man suggests. "Sectional schmectional", says the old lady, "all I want is an occasional piece in the living room". %% An orgasmic young sex star named Sue Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. Her climatic fame spread With an ad blitz that said: Coming soon at a theater near you! %% An uptight young lady named Breerley Who valued her morals too dearly Had sex, so I hear, Only once every year, And she strained her vagina severely. %% And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of criminal at the bar of justice. -- Tertullian (180?-230?), second-century Christian writer, misogynist %% Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. "My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid, than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear. Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking "young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say. "Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir singer." -- James Thurber (1894-1961), "Merry Christmas" %% Another young feminist, Florence, Held all the male sex in abhorrence. She'd take men to bed And screw them till dead And then she'd collect the insurance. %% Anti-Victim Device (AVD): A small fashion accessory worn on an otherwise conservative outfit which announces to the world that one still has a spark of individuality burning inside: 1940s retro ties and earrings (on men), feminist buttons, noserings (women), and now almost completely extinct teeny weeny rattail haircut (both sexes). -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without the feminine ferment. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex (the ugly ones included). -- Karl Marx (1818-1883) %% As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. -- Anita Bryant, 1977 %% As the French say, there are three sexes - men, women and clergymen. -- Rev. Sydney Smith %% At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, Though of love we are never penurious. Thanks to vulcanized aids, Though we may die old maids, At least we shall never die curious. %% Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times. %% Back in the days of old Adam The grass served as mattress for madam, And they spent the whole day On the sex that today They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. %% Before you have sex you have to be elected to a high government position. -- Zippy the Pinhead %% Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. -- Fran Lebowitz %% Being sexy is a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it %% Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue,penis, both hands, and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact-- A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating results. -- "The Joy of Sex" %% Bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. -- Woody Allen %% Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression -- something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive self to try it. -- "The Joy of Sex" %% Breathes there a man with hide so tough Who says two sexes aren't enough. -- Samuel Goodman Hoffenstein (1890-1946) %% Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" %% But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. %% Button: Flaming Heterosexual %% Button: Ignorance is bliss, but it'll never replace sex %% Button: Life - an invariably fatal condition spread by sexual contact %% Button: Sex and Drugs and Rock and Role-Playing %% Button: Sex is nobody's business but me and my teddy bear's %% Button: Sex, Drugs, & Unix %% CELIBACY(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual CELIBACY(1) NAME celibacy - don't have sex SYNOPSIS celibacy DESCRIPTION Does nothing worth mentioning. %% CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. -- Randall Garrett %% COITUS INTERRUPTUS: A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) "I want to have your child." %% COYOTE LOVE: Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you chew off your arm at the shoulder. %% California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran, Covina, California %% Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker. -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971), "Reflections on Icebreaking" Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, and sex won't rot your teeth. %% Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley %% Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, Stop up the access and passage to remorse That no compunctious visiting of nature Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, Wherever in your sightless substances You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, To cry `Hold, hold!' -- Lady MacBeth %% Commenting on the advantages of bisexuality, Woody Allen once remarked "It doubles your chances of getting a date on Saturday night." %% Confuscious say: Boy who go to bed with sex problem, wake up with solution in hand. %% Crinklaw's Observation: Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence. %% Definition of a hermaphrodite: a bisexual built for two. -- Jeff Daiell %% Derrick -- Goodman Derrick, another Tyburn hangman, was as adept with the axe as with the noose; he cut off the head of the Earl of Essex in 1601. But it was his adeptness at gibbeting that won him vernacular immortality. Any hoisting apparatus employing a tackle rigged at the end of a spar is a derrick. -- Willard R. Espy, "O Thou Improper, Thou Uncommon Noun" %% Did you hear Linda Lovelace was hired as a nurse in Los Angeles? Yea, it seems someone needed some Sexual Healing. %% Do you smoke after sex? Why, do you know, I've never looked! %% Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with somebody I love. -- Woody Allen %% Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. %% Dress for success. Dress for sex and power. %% During sex, Mary's moans were harmonic From high C, down by chords, to the tonic. So John felt it unsordid To have them recorded In sound that was stereophonic. %% Everybody lies about sex. %% Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. -- Ellyn Mustard, mustard@ficc.ferranti.com %% Fahrvergnkie: (n) Sex in a Volkswagon. %% Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? %% For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I, sweetheart?" He looked at her and said, "How should I know -- I'm no cocksucker!" %% For women, the sexual act is a means to a higher end. For a man, it is an end in itself. -- Edward Abbey %% GENIUS: Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying all the right things to all the right people. %% GEORGE BUSH at the College of Southern Idaho, 5/6/88: Regarding President Reagan, "For 7 1/2 years I've worked alongside him, and I'm proud to be his partner. We've had triumphs, we've made mistakes, we've had sex." "Setbacks," he quickly corrected. "We've had setbacks." %% GEORGIA: Where kinky sex means getting laid. %% GLEE CLUB GROUPIE: A girl into choral sex. %% Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. %% Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love "fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke. It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind). Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players unsupervised, even briefly. there was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm this was simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror. Dont both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it-- You might not be able to get loose. -- "The Joy of Sex" %% Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced meals. No one ever has to grow old--body parts are replaceable, like Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the universe while straddling a giant worm. -- Arnold Klein %% Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the the difference between life and death. You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" %% Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. -- R. E. Masters %% Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. %% Having sex with Rachel (his girlfriend) is amazing. It's like going to a concert -- she yells a lot and throws Frisbees around the room. When she wants more, she lights a match. %% Help stamp in sex!! %% Hey, wow, man, have sex with a hog! %% Hi! Wanna have sex? %% Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational Yale University Extracurricular Gave up misogyny Heterosexual Opened its door. Fun is in store. %% Homosexuality, like androgyny, might be an instinctive racial response to overpopulation, crowding, and stress. Both flourish when empire reaches its apogee. -- Edward Abbey %% How do you tell the sex of a chromosome? You pull down its jeans. %% How is Sex like Air? Neither one is a big deal unless you are not getting any. %% How to have fun with unix number 22: % ^How did the^sex change operation go? Modifier failed. %% How to have fun with unix number 23: % cp /dev/null sex;c hmod 000 sex; more sex sex: Permission denied %% How women and men are different #18 Sexual frequency: The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every morning, or maybe both if he's under 30. The average woman would like to have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month. %% How women and men are different #2 sex: Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. %% Hugh Hefner and Heather Thomas die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and nash your teeth." Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells "Tits!!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into Hell. St. Peter then goes to Heather Thomas and says, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and nash your teeth." They begin there long trek down the tunnel. About half way down St. Peter leans over towards Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell. %% I can remember when "safe sex" meant having a padded headboard!! -- Alan Yasutovich yasu@ll.mit.edu %% I don't see what sexual orgasms have to do with tenant-landlord relationships. -- the demigoddess of ssio %% I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days, but when I tried it I kept falling off. %% I know better. -- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocritical sexual pervert and TV preacher, self-described pornography addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50. %% I thought I might perish when I first laid eyes on the royal torso. God had worked the Sabbath to forge this masterpiece, and said "Bravo!" once done. My stomach raced and when her lips met mine, I thought: Alas, the royal brisket is mine! Any youth exposed to the triumphs of a Newton or a Milton yearns to do a great thing, and here was my chance. Limb in limb, heart to heart, she clawed, I gripped, and life was a glorious sunset just then. The forest fire in my loins spread over the bed, licked across the mohair rug, screamed up the walls, and fogged the windows over. I flashed on a poster Juke had hanging in Little Calcutta illustrating the Zodiac sexual positions and I vowed to try them all, right then and there. -- John Long, "A Fool and His Money" %% I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up. %% I wish you'd have sex with a cat. %% I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. %% I'll be with you in two sex, said the hermaphrodite. -- Alan F. G. Lewis %% I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. -- Rodney Dangerfield %% I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. -- Gary Shandling %% I've finally found the perfect girl, I couldn't ask for more, She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, And owns a liquor store. %% If homosexuality were normal, God would have created Adam and Bruce. -- Anita Bryant %% If it weren't for cheap sex- God, what would I do? %% If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. %% If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you should join THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which UFOs come. -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared the circle. -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject of a forthcoming Papal Bull. To join, send $39.95 and 10% of all future paychecks to: Duane Gish, CCB, San Diego, CA. %% If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. %% If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. %% If your parents didn't have sex, the odds are that you won't either. -- Kazayasu Makabe %% In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?" %% In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been sucked into it. %% It has been written that Cleopatra, who lived from 69 - 30 B.C, had an insatiable desire for sex. It is said that she built a small temple where she kept many young lovers on drugs to increase their lust for her. It has also been reported that she could take on more than 100 men in a single night. %% It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race. -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) %% It seems we have a nun who is at the airport early for a flight to the east coast. She checks her bag and gets her seat assignment. She has about half an hour to waste so she walks around a piece. Then she comes across one of those scales that spits out a piece of paper with your weight and your fortune. So she stands on the scale and deposits her nickel. The machine spits out her paper which reads; "You weigh 112 lbs., you are a nun and you are going to fart". Amazingly enough, as she steps off the scale, she farts. Well she found this mildly remarkable and figures God works in mysterious ways. So she gets back on the scale and deposits another nickel. She reads her fortune; "You weigh 112 lbs., you are a nun, and you're going to have sex". She is astonished by this and steps off the scale. As she does a man grabs her, takes her into the mens bathroom and proceeds to do the deed. She stumbles out of the bathroom. No longer having any doubt as to the accuracy of the scale, she gets back on to find out what will happen next. She deposits her nickel. The fortune tells her; "You weigh 112 lbs., you are a nun and if you hadn't been farting and screwing around all morning, you wouldn't have missed your flight". %% It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple. I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth. -- Rita Moreno [commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal of older women versus younger women] %% It's not that men don't like cuddling, they just don't like it used as an excuse for not having sex. %% Jack-And-Jill Party: A Squire tradition; baby showers to which both men and women are invited as opposed to only women. Doubled purchasing power of bisexual attendance brings gift values up to Eisenhower-era standards. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics: Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull over to the side of the road. %% KNOWLEDGE ENGINEERING: A combination of Engineering: The application of science and mathematics by which the properties of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in structures, machines, products, systems and processes. and Knowledge: sexual intercourse. see also: prostitution, grantsmanship. %% KUMQUAT: Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and somewhat acid pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" during orgasm. Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake. %% LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the 'little death' of french poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the intensity of feeling, nor it upon them. -- "The Joy of Sex" %% Larry Michels, CEO of the Santa Cruz Operation, has resigned amid charges of routine sexual harrassment of female employees (San Jose Mercury News, 12/22/92), causing us to take a new look at some of the standard commands distributed with SCO UNIX: look, tty, touch, tail, grep, awk, sh, date, sed -no, unzip, nice, biff %% Let's take a look at this sexy circuit. %% Life, n.: A fatal, sexually transmitted disease. %% Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen %% MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS (MGM/UA) 1957. Over-achieving gluttony, excessive sex, and inebriation among powerful Manhattan entertainment columnists. Why don't I ever get invited to these parties?" %% Masturbation -- sex with someone you love. %% May 4 -- The Hart story becomes so hot that issue-oriented Phil Donahue devotes a show to it, canceling the regular weekly appearance of the sex-change lesbian surrogate-mother nude-dancer ex-priests. -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987" %% Mixed emotions is when your teen-ager gets an A in sex education. %% Modem sex begins with a handshake. %% Modem sex, the next best thing to being there. %% Most gays have heterosexual parents. %% Movies are like sex: when they're good, they're fantastic and when they're bad, they're also fantastic. -- Ernst Lubitsch (1892-1947) %% My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. %% New Opcode: SEX Set EXecution register [a real instruction for the RCA 1802] %% New Opcode: SEX Sign EXtend %% New Opcode: XOS Exchange Operator's Sex %% Not until a machine can write a sonnet or compose a concerto because of thoughts and emotions felt, and not by the chance fall of symbols, could we agree that machine equals brain -- that is, not only write it but know that it had written it. No mechanism could feel (and not merely artificially signal, an easy contrivance) pleasure at its successes, grief when its valves fuse, be warmed by flattery, be made miserable by its mistakes, be charmed by sex, be angry or depressed when it cannot get what it wants. -- C. Jefferson (quoted by A. M. Turing) %% Nothing makes a Woman more esteemed by the opposite sex than Chastity; whether it be that we always prize those most who are hardest to come at, or, that nothing besides Chastity, with its collateral attendants, Truth, Fidelity, and Constancy, gives the man a property in the person he loves, and consequently endears her to him above all things. -- Addison %% OLD FELLA RED CLARET Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er" An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings. Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK"). It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973 Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts. Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new. %% ORAL SEX: The taste of things to come. %% Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. %% Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus Where the three-body problem is solved, Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high, Our ball bearings are perfectly round. Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) If we run out of space for our burgeoning race No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, And living up here is a bore. Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, Where the space debris always collects, We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: Solar power and zero-gee sex. -- to Home on the Range %% One night of bad sex is still better than a good day at work. %% One of the fun things in life is reading between the lines. For people with slightly sexually twisted minds, here's a partial list of some common things people say and what Freudian things they're REALLY asking for. (Word play involved - think about each one, you'll get 'em.) * "How old is James?" -- Bondage * "Are you between classes?" -- Intercourse * "Can you get some pickles, dear?" -- Dildo * "Without 'im, they're not plants!" -- Anal %% Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. %% Oral Sex SUPER DIET for WOMEN -- EAT as OFTEN as you like and STILL LOSE %% Palindromes 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. %% People who don't believe in sex shouldn't exist. -- M. J. Levine %% Platonic Shadow: A nonsexual friendship with a member of the opposite sex. -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X %% Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing ...Her husband will then value her above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and its not surprising that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. -- "The Joy of Sex" %% Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. %% Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all. %% Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms? The answer is yes, the have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know" %% Q. What do Chtorrans call humans who have sex with them? A. Lunch %% Q. What do Chtorrans call two people having sex? A. Making lunch %% Q. What's the definition of Jewish kinky sex? A. She moves. %% Q. Where is an elephant's sex organ located? A. In his foot: if he steps on you, you're f*cked. %% Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused? A: By the stiff upper lip. %% Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? A: Propose. %% Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation? A: A transistor. %% Q: How many disarmament folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: They won't, because: 1. "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end?" 2. "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times over." 3. "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is hungry anywhere." 4. "We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will have on the future of mankind." 5. "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't learned to husband it yet." 6. "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct." 7. "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity." 8. "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or need." 9. "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!" %% Q: Did you hear the one about the two Irish homosexuals? A: Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael. %% Quote " My mother made me a homosexual " " If I gave her the wool will she make me one ? " %% Rather than I wanna hold your hand, I wanna swallow you whole 'n lick you everywhere it's pink 'n everywhere you think Whole kit'n kaboodle'n the kitchen sink Heaven's sexy as hell Life is integrated, Goes together so well 'n so on Well, I'm gonna go on 'n do my washing Well you may think I'm crazy But I want you to lick my decals off baby 'n I don't want you to be lazy 'cause it's driving me crazy 'n this song ain't no sing song It's all about the birds and the bees 'n where it all went wrong 'n where it all belongs 'n the earth all go down on their knees lookin' for a little ease She stuck out her tongue 'n the fun begun She stuck out her tongue 'n the fun begun She stuck it out at me, 'n I just thumbed my nose 'n went on washing my clothes %% Recipriversexcluson: A number whose existence can only be defined as being anything other than itself. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% Religion and sex are powerplays, manipulate the people for the money they pay, selling skin, selling god, the numbers look the same on their credit cards. Politicians say no to drugs, while we can pay for wars in South America. Fighting Fire with empty words. While the banks get fat and the poor stay poor and the rich get rich and the cops get paid. To look away. As the one percent rules America. -- Queensryche %% Remember when safe sex meant not getting caught? %% SELF-IMPROVEMENT WORKSHOPS Creative Suffering Overcoming Peace of Mind Guilt without Sex The Primal Shrug Ego Gratification through Violence Holding your Child's Attention through Guilt and Fear Dealing with Post Self-realization Depression Whine and Whimper Your Way to Alienation %% SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER %% Said John, "Sex I've always enjoyed And the way to avoid being cloyed For the fellow who dallies is The psychoanalysis Of the school of the great Sigmund Freud." %% Sally's sex life was carefully planned. Said she, "I prefer to be manned. Things that are anal, Are always so banal, But things that expand are just grand." %% Sally-Jo was exceedingly vexed, When they said she was quite oversexed. Said she, "That's not true, I just like to screw. Now, please take a number. Who's next?" %% Seen on a desk: Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. Seen on a bumper sticker: I don't smoke, but I chew. You don't blow your smoke on me, and I won't spit on you! Heard from Steve Martin: "You're sitting in this classy restaurant, and a guy leans over and says 'Hey, buddy. Do you mind if I smoke?' I feel like telling him 'Nope. Do you mind if I fart? It's one of my habits. I hear they have a special section for me on airplanes, now. It's hard to quit. I tried to quit once, but I gained a lot of weight... And after sex, I really have the urge to "light one up."'" %% Seen on the marquee of a disused porn theatre in New York City: "What urge will save us now that sex won't?" -- David Goldfarb, goldfarb@ocf.berkeley.edu %% Sex and drugs and UNIX. %% Sex and drugs and rock and roll, Is all my brain and body need. Sex and drugs and rock and roll, Are very good indeed. Take your silly ways, Throw them out the window, The wisdom of your ways, I've been there and I know, Lots of other ways... -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" %% Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage. %% Sex is a job. %% Sex is a misdemeanor -- the more I miss, de meaner I get. %% Sex is better than chess, because sex has two winners. -- Solomon Short %% Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher. %% Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right. %% Sex is friction. Preferably, friction with a friend. And preferably well-lubed. After that, it's all a matter of taste. -- Solomon Short %% Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. -- Garrison Keillor %% Sex is great, Sex is grand, Sex around here, Is mostly by hand. %% Sex is just a sublimation of the math urge. %% Sex is just one damp thing after another. %% Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed. %% Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any. %% Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved. %% Sex is not compulsory, reply the fetus lovers. True: but we're not talking about sex--we're talking about maternity. -- Edward Abbey %% Sex is nothing but Love misunderstood. %% Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight are unimportant. -- Henry Miller %% Sex is only a pain in the arse if you miss %% Sex is only dirty if it's done right %% Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. -- J. D. Salinger %% Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. -- M. C. Reed %% Sex is the poor man's opera. -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) %% Sex is what women have and men want. %% Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off! %% Sex on the Beach: 1. In a shot glass mix equal parts of Amaretto and Rum. Some people chase with beer. Ack!!! 2. Mix equal parts of Amaretto, Vodka, and Irish Cream (Baileys if someone else is footing the bill). Serve on ice. This one isn't half bad. Several females of my choice seem to like this one, since it has a sweet taste, and doesn't taste too strong. %% Sex on the Beach: Equal portions of: Pineapple juice, Vodka, Midori and Chambord! %% Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary. -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" %% Sex without love is an empty meaningless experience. But as empty meaningless experiences go its pretty good. %% Sex, Sex, Sex... the pleasure of having a 1 track mind. %% Sex: the most fun you can have without laughing. %% Sexual Harrasment starts at the office. %% Share and enjoy, share and enjoy. Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side. Let your pal be your guide. And when it breaks down or starts to annoy, or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy, 'cause it digs up your hat, or has sex with your cat, sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door, and you get to the point you can't stand any more. Bring it to us, we won't give a shit. We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig". %% Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures-- wash together, make love together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however-- it isn't weightbearing. See Discipline. -- "The Joy of Sex" %% Softly seductive young Brenda Wants a man who is sweet, kind, and tender, And thoughtful and bright And sexually right But mostly a very big spender. %% Southside Johnny prefers singing to sex. %% Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. %% TRUST: Two cannibals having oral sex. %% Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol Looked delightful in model's apparel. The slimming effect Was best, I suspect, When her man had her over a barrel. %% The Android greets his friends politely And veils behind his lowered lids The jealousy which plagues him nightly Because he can't have sex, or kids. %% The King named Oedipus Rex Who started this fuss about sex Put the world to great pains By the spots and the stains Which he made on his mother's pubex. %% The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. %% The Shah of the Empire of Persia Lay for days in a sexual merger. When the nautch asked the Shah, "Won't you ever withdraw?" He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." %% The World Health Organization recently did a research in determining the function of the knob at the end of the penis. The Russians put in a million dollars and came up with the results saying that the knob is there merely to please a man during sexual encounters. The French also put in a million dollars but came up with a different conclusion citing that the knob is there for the pleasure of a woman. The Poles put in $2.98 and discovered that the function of a knob is to prevent the hand from slipping off!!!! %% The bedroom has lost its decorum. With group sex, it's more like a forum. It once was avowed That three was a crowd, But today it's not even a quorum. %% The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. -- Woody Allen, quoted in "New York Tribune", 1975 %% The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money generally costs a lot less. -- Brendan Francis %% The expense is damnable, the position is ridiculous, and the pleasure fleeting. -- Dr. Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), on sex %% The first symptom of love in a young man is timidity, in a girl it is boldness. The two sexes have a tendency to approach, and each assumes the qualities of the other. -- Victor Hugo (1802-1885) %% The great god Thor was sitting on his throne with basically nothing to do and decided to swing down to Earth to check up on the commoners. During his visit, he encountered a fair maiden, which he took to a cottage and *screwed* 26 times that night. When he finished he left without a word and returned to his throne. After a while he got to thinking....he had had sex with this maiden 26 times and departed without a word, maybe he should offer some explanation as to his sexual prowess, lest she think all men were endowed with such abilities. So the great god Thor again swings down to Earth and enters the cottage where he had left her (she was still lying on the bed). He proudly stands before her and in a god-like voice proclaims : " I am Thor!" to which the maiden retorts: "YOU'RE thor??? I can't even thit!!!" %% The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. -- Harry V. Wade %% The job of a Dean is to provide parking for the faculty, football for the alumni, and sex for the students. %% The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population) is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100 gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. Fact is, I rather like it." %% The limerick's an art form complex Whose contents run mostly to sex. Two sexes of virgins, Their mutual mergin's, And vulgar erotic side effects. %% The minute you start to analyze why sex feels so good, it stops feeling good and starts feeling silly. -- Solomon Short %% The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into your eyes - or just by staring into space. -- Marilyn Monroe %% The new cinematic emporium Is not just a super-sensorium, But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium. %% The new local cinematorium Is not only a super sensorium, But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium. %% The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. %% The pleasure is momentary, The position ridiculous, The expense damnable. -- Chesterfield [on sex] %% The pleasure is transitory, the cost prohibitive, and the position ridiculous. -- Benjamin Disraeli [on sex] %% The purpose of love, sex, and marriage is the production and raising of children. But look about you: Most people have no business having children. They are unqualified, either genetically or culturally or both, to reproduce such sorry specimens as themselves. Of all our privileges, the license to breed is the one most grossly abused. -- Edward Abbey %% The ready availability of suicide, like sex and alcohol, is one of life's basic consolations. -- Edward Abbey %% The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. %% The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. -- Diana Rigg %% The sexual desires of the camel are greater than anyone thinks. Why once in a moment of passion one tried to deflower the sphinx Now the sphinx's posterior orifice is clogged with the sands of the nile Which accounts for the hump on the camel's back and the sphinx's inscrutable smile %% The sexual revolution is here and I'm out of ammunition. -- Jim Backus %% The sexual revolution transformed the American West: Now even cowboys can get laid. -- Edward Abbey %% The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the greatest amount of trouble is sex. %% The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971) %% The two best ways to my heart are sex, and the descending aorta. -- Anmar Mirza %% The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually. "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden said. "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. "That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against nature. The bully!" "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." %% Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of his real problems. The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can stand to live with. -- R. Geis %% There is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world with surprise and horror. -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965) %% There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, Discovered his sex life was hapless: The more he would screw The more he'd want to, And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. %% There once was a fellow named Bob Who in sexual ways was a snob. One day he was swimmin' With twelve naked women And deserted them all for a gob. %% There once was a gaucho named Bruno, Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, Sheep are just fine, Chickens, divine, But iguanas are Numero Uno." %% There once was a husky young Viking Whose sexual prowess was striking. Every time he got hot He would scour the twat Of some girl that might be to his liking. %% There once was a lady from Exeter, So pretty that men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. %% There once was a lawyer named Rex With minuscule organs of sex. Arraigned for exposure, He maintained with composure: "De minimis non curat lex." %% There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean! %% There once was a young man from Yuma Who attempted sex with a puma He gave up real quick Minus nose, toes, and prick In obvious pain and ill huma. %% There once was a young man named Gene Who invented a screwing machine Concave and convex It served either sex And it played with itself in between. %% There was a bluestocking in Florence Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, Till a Spanish grandee, Got her off with his knee, And she burned all her works with abhorrence. %% There was a young fellow from Norwich Who liked having sex with his porridge. With sugar and cream And a buttery scream -- (The leftovers went into storage.) %% There was a young fellow named Bliss Whose sex life was strangely amiss, For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis Would never do better than t h i s . %% There was a young fellow named Jim Who liked to get naked and swim With plastic sex toys Shaped like pubescent boys, 'Cause he'd rather be gay than be grim. %% There was a young fellow named Rex With diminutive organs of sex. When charged with exposure He said with composure, "De minimis non curat lex!" %% There was a young lad from Siam, Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. He loved them real small, 'Cause they're funner to ball, So he went out and bought him a lamb! %% There was a young lady from Wheeling Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. But a cynic named Boris Just touched her clitoris And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. %% There was a young lady named Nancy, Who liked having sex, plain or fancy, With lightning and thunder, And a profound sense of wonder, But not with a partner -- much too chancy. %% There was a young lady of Dexter Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, For whenever they'd start He'd unfailingly fart With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. %% There was a young man named Rex Who really was small for his sex. When tried for exposure The judge's disclosure Was "de minimus non curat lex." %% There was a young sailor from Rome Who found the girls over the foam All acted the same In the sexual game So he might just as well have stayed home. %% There was a young woman named Clare Within genitals lacking in hair. What caused this affliction Was sexual friction Which left them the worse for the wear. %% There was an old man from the Nile Whose sexual habits were vile. Yet whenever he'd score The women all swore That he sure made perversion worthwhile. %% There was an old man of Belfast Whose active sex life was so vast He was glad he'd worked through To a spry ninety-two When his lust was declining at last. %% There was an old prune name of Ginty Who only ate muffics and thin tea. Thinking of sex Gave her the blecchs, And left her all dried-up and squinty. %% There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small load!" %% There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where. The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin." The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week." The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say "come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours." The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train." %% There's a rather odd couple in Herts Who are cousins (or so each asserts); Their sex is in doubt For they're never without Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. -- Edward Gorey %% There's an oversexed lady named Whyte Who insists on a dozen a night. A fellow named Cheddar Had the brashness to wed her- His chance of survival is slight. %% There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. -- Billy Joel %% There's nothing wrong with sex on television... so long as you don't fall off. %% These two were driving home across the desert.. and they were in need of some fuel. They pass a sign that says, "Free sex with fill-up" "Hey man" says one , "I've heard of that. Let's try it." So they stop... "Can I help you?" "Yeah, fill 'er up" (a few minutes later) "That'll be $18.50 please" "Hey, wait a minute, your sign says free sex with fill-up" "Oh, why yes it does, but it is conditional.. I am thinking of a number between one and twenty, what is it?" "Five" "Eight" "No, I am sorry gentlemen, it was two, well, better luck next time" The two s leave and are a bit perturbed... "Aw man, we were ripped off!" "Nah, I don't think so, last week my wife went in there twice and won both times!!" %% This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive. "My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says, "Do you always jog in the nude?" "Yes ma'am!" he replies. "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks. "Yes ma'am!" he replies. "Do you always wear a condom?" "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains." %% This is my death ... and it will profit me to understand it. -- Anne Sexton %% This is the great pornographical class -- the really common men-in-the-street and women-in-the-street.... They insist that a film-heroine shall be a neuter, a sexless thing of washed-out purity. They insist that real sex-feeling shall only be shown by the villain or villainess ... they have the grey disease of sex-hatred, coupled with the yellow disease of dirt-lust. -- D. H. Lawrence (1885-1930) %% This wealthy French femme advertises that she'll pay some huge sum of francs to any man who can show her a -new- sexual thrill. As the guys show up, she interviews them to see what they plan to do. [Here you get to make up arbitrarily many interviews in which these guys suggest these increasingly "unusual" sexual activities, all of which she of course dismisses as old chapeau...] Finally one guy shows up and has this slow, drawn-out, titillating kind of rap: "Madame, first I will kees your neck..." "Oui, and zen what?" "Zen I will kees your breasts..." (pretty bored y'know) "Oui and zen..." [kissing this and that... eventually inside her pooussy...] "And finally, madame, I weel kees your belly button!" (ticked off) "My belly button! What's unusual about that! Many man have kissed my belly button!" "Madame! FROM ZEE INSIDE???" %% Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, Was to do what man normally does, She declared, "I'm a Soul- Not a sexual goal!" So he shrugged and called someone who was. %% Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was going to test their ability at situation reasoning. "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you we several sex- starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid the problem?" "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and flee," said the first girl. "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded the second woman. "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem." %% To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : "I trust you will show some forbearance. My sexual habits I picked up from rabbits, And occasionally watching my parents." %% Todays title: Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships %% Top Ten Lies at BYU 1) Failure to wear socks leads to sexual promiscuity. 2) We encourage all young women to put their education first. 3) I bought this diamond as an investment. 4) It isn't a sin because Percodan isn't in the word of wisdom. 5) I don't usually do this on the first date...but... 6) It seems like I've known you forever. 7) We could've beaten Oklahoma in 84, no sweat! 8) We don't do that here. 9) She's a special spirit. 10) I'm just big boned. and as an added bonus... *) Sharlene Wells is still a virgin. %% Trailing Edge Technologies is pleased to announce the following TETflame programme: 1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of your choice. The price is inversely proportional to how much of an asshole the target it. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free. 2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme is offering ``flame insurance''. Under this arrangement, if one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending article and flame the flamer, to a crisp. 3) The TETflame flaming representatives include: Richard Sexton, Oleg Kisalev, Diane Holt, Trish O'Tauma, Dave Hill, Greg Nowak and our most recent acquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his kill file. Weemba by special arrangement. -- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM %% Tupelo Chain Sex %% U E DU DX takes the place of normal sex! %% Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" %% Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put an unsupple partner into this position-- it can't be achieved by brute force. You can get a very similar sensation-- unique rocking pelvic movement-- with less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we dont know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure for both. -- "The Joy of Sex" %% WHAT DO YOU CATCH IF YOU HAD SEX WITH A PARROT? <<<<< cherpies >>>>> Don't worry, their tweetable. %% We [Reagan and Bush] have had triumphs, we have made mistakes, we have had sex. -- Vice President George Bush, May 1988 %% We sailed on the good ship Venus, My god, you should have seen us With a figurehead Of a whore in bed And the mast an upright penis The captain of the lugger Was known as a filthy bugger Declared unfit To shovel shit From one ship to another The first mate's name was Cooper, By god he was a trooper He jerked and jerked Until he worked Himself into a stupor The cabin boy was chipper, A dandy little nipper He shoved cracked glass Inside his ass And circumcised the skipper The captain's wife was Charlotte, Born and bred a harlot Her thighs at night Were lily white By morning they were scarlet The captain's youngest daughter Slipped into the water Her plaintive squeals Announced that eels Had found her sexual quarter The ship's dog's name was Rover, They turned the poor beast over And ground and ground That faithful hound From Tenerief to Dover %% What ever happened to the good ole days, when sex was dirty and the air was clean? %% What is a church? Our honest sexton tells, 'Tis a tall building, with a tower and bells. -- Crabbe %% What is a promiscuous person - it's usually someone who is getting more sex than you are. -- Victor Lownes %% What with chromodynamics and electroweak too Our Standardized Model should please even you, Tho once you did say that of charm there was none It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. Yet your state of the union penultimate large Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, Dec. 1984 %% Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay. %% When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. -- Charles Merrill Smith %% Why do the Kennedy men cry after sex? MACE. %% Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. -- Herold %% Would a virgin be called a notyeterosexual? %% You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. %% You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. %% You make me want to have sex with a milkweed. %% You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. %% Your inability to sustain sexual interest in just one other person drains your life of the possibility of intimacy. %% Your spooning days are over, And your pilot light is out; When what used to be your sex appeal Is now your water spout! %% [Motion] pictures shall not infer that low forms of sex relations are the accepted or common thing. -- Motion picture code (1930) %% a supposedly true story from: Bermant, G. (1976). Sexual behavior: Hard times with the Coolidge Effect. In M. H. Siegel & H. P. Zeigler (Eds.), /Psychological Research: The inside story/ (pp. 76-103). New York: Harper & Row. One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of times," was the reply. "Please tell that to the President," Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the President passed the pens and was told about the roosters, he asked "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The President nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge." %% hear that hollywood is making a movie about the dangers of casual sex? its called "Germs of Endearment" %% man-hour n. A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. %% may you get so tired of reading this that you fall asleep, fall over and land on your keyboard, and , upon awakening, discover that you are a modern rip van winkle, and are in a society where being an individual with your own thoughts and not the governments is a crime. You are soon grabbed by the "police", large men in blue bodysuits. This crime, it turns out, is a capital crime punishable by 1) complete separation from anything even remotely sexual, 2) a diet highlighted by grass that was rejected by the cows and pigs in the stables, and 3) main lab animal in the latest research lab that is currently searching for a cure for a disease that is characterized by green,itchy, cold skin and a deep down body hurt. ---- You don't have this awful pox of a disease? well, we can fix that. Step right up. - jab - aaaaaahhhhhhhh.... whew. it was only a dream. how come theres no-one here.???? hey, was that a blue body suit? NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. wow. whata dream. I hate those kind where you dream you've woke up but you really haven't. NNOOOOO a blue body suit. ggggaaaaaa. am I still dreaming? ... I hope not. sigh. - 10 min. later - NNOOOOO, a blue bodysuit. aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!$@##$%$%%!#@#!#!@!@! no more, I cant take it. aaaahhhhhhhhh. hey, no blue suits. yyyaaaa!! at last!!!! %% q:What is the difference between computers and sex? a:In computers, the software goes into the hardware. %% what urge will save us now that sex won't -- Jenny Holzer, word artist %% The Churchill Wit ----------------- Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up your ass, you ugly cunt." %% THE DIRTIEST DOZENS, these are 1520 - 1523 in the book The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. I'll tell you a story-- It won't take me long-- Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. There was an old fellow and what do you think? He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. He whacked it, he hacked it, He ate it with glee- Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? This charming old chap had a sister as well : She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. Her cunt was so dirty It stank like a beast, And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. What a wonderful family! What marvelous style! I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. Their odor and diet Won't soon be forgotten, And one day you and I may be equally rotten. %% THE BEY OF ALGIERS The randy old Bey of Algiers Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, Tried a cunt for a change, And remarked : "It felt strange ... Just think what I've missed all these years!" %% A bad little girl in Madrid, A most reprehensible kid, Told her Tante Louise That her cunt smelled like cheese, And the worst of it was that it did! %% A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, Let his third-story front, To a willing young cunt, Who supplied him a new lease on life! %% A fellow whose surname was Hunt Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: This versatile spout Could be turned inside out, Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. %% A happy old hooker named Grace Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. It was hard for beginners To tell who were winners : There were cunt hairs all over the place. DEEP THROAT %% A maiden who lived in Virginny Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. The horsey set rushed her, But success finally crushed her For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. %% A passionate red-haired girl When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, And her twat would get wet, And would wiggle and fret, And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. %% A petulant man once said, "Pish, Your cunt is as big as a dish." She replied, "Why, you fool, With your limp little tool, It's like driving a pin with a fish." %% A potter who lived in Bombay Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; But the heat of his prick Kilned the damn thing to brick And chafed all his foreskin away. %% An amazon giantess named Dunne Let a midget screw her for fun. But the poor little runt Was engulfed in her cunt And re-born as the twin of his son. %% He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. Then his gargantuan pole in Her pink, tight, and swollen Young cunt just about drove her crazy. %% Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. He spent his life in a futile hunt, To find a woman with a spiral cunt. And when he did, he dropped stone dead, 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! %% I would like to say, Mister Bunce, I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. And in all my lewd life I've met none like your wife, So why leave her to me, you big dunce? LIFE %% In the case of a lady named Frost, Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, It's the best part of valor To bugger the gal, or You're apt to fall in and get lost. %% Michael O'Donoghue's letter to Mademoiselle Magazine: "Dear Editors: I couldn't help but be a bit irked when I noticed that you and [photographer] Duane Michals had cropped my head out of the photograph that appears on page 121 of your March issue. I'd like to come over there and kick every one of you in the cunt if I didn't think it would ruin my shine. Michael O'Donoghue" -- "Saturday Night", Hill & Weingrad %% Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, The poor wench doth stammer, "I need a sledgehammer To pound a man into my vent." %% Q. What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common? A. They're both stuck up cunts. %% Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, In a cunt halfway up to his ears : "This nautch is delicious, And without doubt nutritious. She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" %% The fame of our Mame was her tushy, And the front of her cunt. (It was bushy.) But I heard that her Mike Preferred for his spike The place in her face that was skwooshy. %% The once was a man from Bombay Who modeled his cunts out of clay So hot was his prick That he turned them to brick And rubbed all his foreskin away. %% There once was a Duchess of Bruges Whose cunt was incredibly huge. Said the king to this dame As he thunderously came: "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" %% There once was a girl named Louise Who cunt hair hung down to her knees The crabs in her twat Tied the hairs in a knot And constructed a flying trapeze %% There once was a lady from Kansas Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. It was nine inches deep And the sides were quite steep -- It had whiskers like General Carranza's. %% There once was a maid from Mobile Whose cunt was made of blue steel. She only got thrills From pneumatic drills And an off-centered emery wheel. %% There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a prince from Peru Who came up for a screw Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. %% There once were two brothers named Luntz Who buggered each other at once. When asked to account For this intricate mount, They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." %% There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, She always spelled cunt with a "k". %% There was a gay parson of Tooting Whose roe he was frequently shooting, Till he married a lass With a face like my arse, And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. %% There was a lewd fellow named Duff Who loved to dive deep in the muff. With his head in a whirl He said, "Spread it, Pearl; I cunt get enough of the stuff!" %% There was a young fellow from Florida Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. When they got into bed He cried, "God strike me dead! This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" %% There was a young fellow named Case Who entered a cunt-lapping race. He licked his way clean Through Number thirteen, But then slipped and got pissed in the face. %% There was a young girl from Medina Who could completely control her vagina. She could twist it around Like the cunts that are found In Japan, Manchukuo and China. %% There was a young girl named McCall Whose cunt was exceedingly small, But the size of her anus Was something quite heinous -- It could hold seven pricks and one ball. %% There was a young girl of Des Moines Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, Till a guy from Hoboken Went and dropped in a token, And now she rides free on the ferry. %% There was a young girl of LLewellyn Whose breasts were as big as a melon. They were big it is true, But her cunt was big too, Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. %% There was a young girl of Newcastle Whose charms were declared universal. While one man in front Wired into her cunt, Another was engaged at her arsehole. %% There was a young hayseed from Tiffan Whose cock would constantly stiffen. The knob out in front Attracted foul cunt Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. %% There was a young lady called Ciss Who went to the river to piss. A young man in a punt Put his hand on her cunt; No wonder she thought it was bliss. %% There was a young lady from Venus, Whose body was shaped like a penis. A fellow named Hunt Was shaped like a cunt, So it all worked out fine, just between us. %% There was a young lady named Blount Who had a rectangular cunt. She learned for diversion Posterior perversion, Since no one could fit here in front. %% There was a young lady named Dot Whose cunt was so terribly hot That ten bishops of Rome And the Pope's private gnome Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. SECRETS OF THE CONFESSIONAL A responsive young girl from the East In bed was an able artiste. She had learned two positions From family physicians, And ten more from the old parish priest. %% There was a young lady named Hunt Who performed the unusual stunt Of screwing by mail When she was in jail For she had a detachable cunt. %% There was a young lady of Dee Who went down to the river to pee. A man in a punt Put his hand on her cunt, And God! how I wish it were me. %% There was a young lady of Gaza Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. The crabs, in a lump, Made tracks to her rump - This passing parade did amaze her. %% There was a young lady of Lincoln Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, So she had a prick lent her Which turned it magenta, This artful old lady of Lincoln. %% There was a young lady who said, As her bridegroom got into the bed, "I'm tired of this stunt, That they do with one's cunt, You can get up my bottom instead." %% There was a young lady whose cunt Could accommodate a small punt. Her mother said, "Annie, It matches your fanny, Which never was that of a runt." %% There was a young man from St. Lutz, Who had a remarkable putz. It would sniff, it would hunt, For it only liked cunt. Absolutely no lips, hands, or butts. %% There was a young man of Calcutta, Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. When he got to c-u, A pious Hindoo Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. %% There was a young sapphic named Anna Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, Which she sucked, bit by bit, From her partner's warm slit, In the most approved lesbian manner. %% There was a young squaw of Wohunt Who possessed a collapsible cunt. It had many odd uses, Produced no papooses, And fitted both giant and runt. %% There was a young woman named Brent With a cunt of enormous extent, And so deep and so wide, The acoustics inside Were so good you could hear when you spent. %% There was an old curate of Hestion Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion. But so small was his tool He could scarce screw a spool, And a cunt was quite out of the question. %% There was an old feminine blighter Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. She would cream her own pool While she sucked off his tool -- How his cock in her cunt would excite her! %% There was an old lady from Austin With a cunt big enough to get lost in In one night she had 14 men and 10 lads And a 15-foot trailer she forced in. %% There was an old lady of Kewry Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': The `introitus vaginae', Was unnaturally tiny, And the thought of it filled her with fury. %% There was an old man of Brienz The length of whose cock was immense: With one swerve he could plug A boy's bottom in Zug, And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. %% To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! Your cunt is as big as a dish!" She replied, "Why, you fool, With your limp little tool It's like driving a nail with a fish!" %% We dedicate this to the cunt, The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : All hail to the twat, Willing, thrilling, and hot, That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! %% When a man grows old and his balls grow cold, And the end of his knob turns blue; When it's bent in the middle like a broken fiddle, He can tell a tale or two. So find me a seat and stand me a drink When Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete And a tale to you I'll tell Go out in search of fun, Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete It's usually Dick who wields the prick And the gentle Eskimo Nell. and Mexico Pete the gun. And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete There was rarely a day without a lay Are sore, depressed, and mad, And usually two or three 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick So the shooting ain't so bad. Was always like a tree. -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell %% A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my asshole can take another hard roll!" %% Once upon a time, there was great king with very beautiful queen and 10 faithful knights. They enjoyed their peaceful lives until the enemy attacked them, and the king had to leave his wife to his knights to go to the battlefield. Even if he trusted his 10 knights, to make everything perfect, he devised a special iron panty(underwear) for the queen. It has a hall so that a person wearing it can piss, but it is designed to cut off everything inserted into that hall. He forced his wife to wear that masterpiece, locked it, and left. Finally war was over, and he checked his knights as soon as he arrived from battlefield. He ordered them to put off their pants, and checked if they still have their penis. Nine of them has none, so he ordered soldiers to execute them with anger. Now, he turn around and said to that very faithful knight. "Well, there is nobody to trust. You are the most faithful subordinate, and I would like to give you half of my land, my friend" But, but, he could not say anything, because he had no tongue. %% "I believe in the family. Mom and Dad and Grandma and Uncle Tod who waves his penis." -- Steve Martin %% "No, she's absolutely right," said Zeb, patting the enormous pistol at his hip. "This _is_ a penis substitute. After all, if I could kill at a range of thirty meters with my penis, I wouldn't need to carry this thing around, now would I?" %% A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No, Mom. Down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. "That's the elephant's trunk, son." "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No. Down there." The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* that woman." %% A gay young prince from Morocco Made love in a manner rococo. He painted his penis To resemble a venus And flavored his semen with cocoa. %% A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. Goes to the doctor, and the doctor says "We're going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week." The Doc replies "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life." So finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up. A week later, and he's on his honeymoon. His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says "See these, they've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says "See this, it's never been seen by a man before." So the husband whips off his shorts and says "See this, it's not even out of the crate yet!" %% A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'. Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man. "What are your car keys doing out?" "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those ba**ards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key! "OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw s**t mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!" The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" %% A young fellow discovered through Freud That although of penis devoid, He could practice coitus By eating a foetus, And his parents were quite overjoyed. %% Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, Her figurehead They filled his ass, A whore in bed, With broken glass, Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper. The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! %% After finally breaking away from their reception, the couple was finally starting their honeymoon. As the groom took off his shirt, his bride noticed "NIKE" tattooed in big letters across this chest. "You see," he explained, "I used to put my sponsor's name on my jersey when I ran in marathons, but the ink would smear when I started to sweat. So I had it tattooed on." Then, he took off his pants, and she noticed "PUMA" emblazened down each leg. "Yes," he answered, "they were one of my sponsors, too." After she undressed, he removed his undershorts before climbing in bed. Tattooed down the length of his penis, in big red letters, is "AIDS". "Now wait just a minute!" his wife exclaimed. "How come you never told me!" "No, you misunderstand." he said. "In a minute, it will say ADIDAS!" %% An envious girl named McMeanus Was jealous of her lover's big penis. It was small consolation That the rest of the nation Of women were with her in weeness. %% And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while white children begin with a small separation but increase it during growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. -- Stephen Jay Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" %% Bart has a singular penis For his wife who is built like a Venus. He awoke with a fright Last Saturday night: "Hey! Something is coming between us!" %% Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice. The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just put one in whatever he's drinking." Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking they were aspirin. When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter. "What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried. "See that mosquito?" he replied. %% Dictator - a potato with a penis. %% Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis" %% Dudley and Elemira Fudpucker took their son to the circus. Their seats were down near the elephant pen. Mycroft Fudpucker, age ten, was transfixed by the elephants. He stared and stared. Finally, he asked his mother "What's that thing hanging from the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," answered Elemira. "No, no, Mom. I mean at the other end." "That's his tail." "No, Mom. I mean down underneath." Elemira flushed visibly. "That's nothing, Mycroft. Watch the clowns over there." Mycroft watched the clowns. After a while, Elemira excused herself and headed for the ladies' room. Mycroft scooted into his mother's vacant seat, next to his father. "Dad, what's that thing hanging off the elephant?" "That's called a trunk. It's the elephant's nose," Dudley told him. "I know, Dad. I mean at the other end." Dudley said "That's his tail." Exasperated by these grownups, Mycroft said "Dad, I know what trunks and tails are. I mean that thing down UNDER the elephant!" "Oh! That's the elephant's penis." "Well, why did Mom say it's nothing?" Dudley looked thoughtful for a few moments, and said "Son, I've _spoiled_ that woman." %% Guys talking in a bar: ....what's that you say? You've got 5 penises? Don't you have a problem with underwear? Na. Fits like a glove. %% I support car ownership although cars can be used to drive drunk. I support pharmaceutical manufacture although drugs can be abused. I support swimming pool ownership although kids can drown in them. I support steak-knife ownership although they can be used in stabbings. I support free speech although people say things I don't like to hear. I support freedom of religion although cults do the damnedest things. I support parenthood although parents can abuse their children. I support pregnancy although abortion couldn't happen without it. I support penis ownership although they are used in rapes. I support gun ownership although guns can be used in crime. I support open elections although a moron became President. BAN THE BRADY BILL , NOT GUNS! -- Tim Grothause, ASEE, N4GIJ, EMT-Paramedic, etg002@email.mot.com %% One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to call a doctor. "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not much hope." Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?" "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die." %% PENIS ENVY: The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. %% Peggy, dear, you know what a penis is.....stay away from it." -- Peggy Sue Got Married %% Q: What do you get when you cross a potato with a penis? A: A dicktater. %% Subpoena, n.: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." %% The ladies all had to agree That Mort's penis was too small to see. A whore named Louise Sniffed, "Who will THAT please?" Mort proudly submitted, "Just me!" %% The old archeologist, Throstle, Discovered a marvelous fossil. He knew from its bend And the knot on the end, T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. %% The penis mightier than the sword. %% The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about "standing erect". -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% There was a young fellow from Juilliard With a penis that measured a full yard. The girls whispered and leered And most of them cheered Whenever he ran through the schoolyard. %% There was a young lady from Dumfries Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! My navel's all bare, So stick it in there, Before both my legs and my bum freeze." MOMENT OF TRUTH With his penis in turgid erection, And aimed at woman's mid-section, Man looks most uncouth In that Moment of Truth, But she sheathes it with loving affection. %% There was a young lady named Bower Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. But a poet from Perth Laid her flat on the earth, And proceeded with penis to plough her. %% There was a young man from Peru, Who took a long trip by canoe. While staring at Venus, And rubbing his penis, He wound up with a handful of goo. %% There was a young man from Salinas Who had an extremely long penis: Believe it or not, When he lay on his cot It reached from Marin to Martinez. %% There was a young man in the choir Whose penis rose higher and higher, Till it reached such a height It was quite out of sight -- But of course you know I'm a liar. %% There was a young soldier from Munich Whose penis hung down past his tunic, And their chops girls would lick When they thought of his prick, But alas! he was only a eunuch. %% There's a reason why Barton is queer. When you meet him, the reason is clear. A goddess named Venus Gave him a penis, But Mother Nature filled up his brassiere. %% VAGINA: The box a penis comes in. %% When I was a baby, my penis Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. But now 'this as red As her nipples instead-- All because of the feminie genus! %% Who was Penis Robinowitz? Cock Robin before he changed his name. -- will barratt %% A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. She blew her vagina To South Carolina, And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. %% A frustrated lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits were in Dallas. %% An aesthete from South Carolina Had a cock that tickled like China, But while shooting his load It cracked like old Spode, So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. %% An old electronic designer Had designs on a minor named Dinah. He couldn't carry them out For his prick was too stout, And too small was the minor's vagina. %% De Hispanice puella verumque Simplex oris verborumque Tulit potens vagina Hominum agmina Iterum iterum iterumque. %% Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with a stretcher. "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine." Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good, feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?" Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either." Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!" %% Nymphomaniacal Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found here vagina In North Carolina, And her ass-hole in Buckingham Palace %% Patient had a spontaneous vaginal hysterectomy. %% Q. Why did God give women vaginas? A. So men would talk to them. %% Q: Why do women have vaginas? A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack. %% The bishop of Alexandretta Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. So he thought he'd enshrine her As the Holy Vagina In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. %% The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics. -- John Hughes, National Lampoon %% There once was a girl named Priscilla Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. The taste was so fine Man and beast stood in line (Including a stud armadilla). %% There once was a young girl named Alice Who used dynamite as a phallus They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her buttocks in Dallas. %% There was a fat lady of China Who'd a really enormous vagina, And when she was dead They painted it red, And used it for docking a liner. %% There was a young girl from the Bronix Who had a vagina of onyx. She had so much `tsoris' With her clitoris, She traded it in for a Packard. %% There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. %% There was a young harlot from Kew Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it too." %% There was a young lady from Brussels Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. She could easily plex them And so interflex them As to whistle love songs through her bustles. %% Woman: Doctor, you've got to help me! I've got three vaginas! Doctor: I see, and what would you like me to do about this little "problem"? Woman: Well, can't you sew two of them up or something? I was sort of hoping that that might be possible. Doctor: Sure it's possible. But what's the inconvenience of having three vaginas? It doesn't sound so terrible... Woman: But it is: I'm tired of getting screwed left, right, and center!!! %% A highway patrol buff named Claire, Once screwed half a troop on a dare, And her parts grew so hot, There was steam on her twat, So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! %% A savvy young hooker named Gail Got busted and lodged in the jail. But the jailer got hot, To be lodged in her twat, And so Gail made the bail with her tail. %% A weary old lecher named Blott Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. Too lazy to rape her, He made darts out of paper, Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. %% An Englishman and a Texan were talking one day, and finally got around to the topic of tea. "In England we have three types of tea", said the englishman."Egyptian tea is 10% aromatic and 90% substance; Indian tea is 90% aromatic and 10% substance; English tea is of course 50% aromatic and 50% substance and it is the preferred tea in England!", he said. "Well, well", said the Texan. "In Texan we also have three types of T." "shiT is 10% aromatic and 90% substance; farT is 90% aromatic and 10% substance; and lastly, twaT is 50% aromatic and 50% substance, and it is the preferred T in Texas!" %% An old man at the Folies Bergere Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: It snipped off a twat-curl From each new chorus girl, And he had a wig made of the hair. %% His lordship is frenziedly plumbing A barmaid whose pussy is humming! Since he pleasured her twat With the first wad he shot, She'll rejoice in the lord's second coming! %% I met a mine foreman who has a piece of coal with a 1909 gold sovereign in it. I saw an ammonite, apparently squashed in the fossil footprint of a sandal. There is a room in the Natural History Museum which they keep locked. Among other oddities in there are the tyrannosaurus with a wristwatch and the Neanderthal skull with gold fillings in three teeth. What are you going to do about it? -- Dr. Carl Untermond, The Overcrowded Eden %% Macro : A tasty saltwater fish. %% Sighed a neat little package named Annie : "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, Plus the yen, but the men Only call now and then-- Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" %% The genital area of Ann Will accommodate any size man, From the wee that cause titters To the mighty twat-splitters That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. %% There once was a young girl named Dot. Who lived on pig shit and snot. When she couldn't get these She ate the green cheese That she scraped off the sides of her twat. %% There was a young damsel named Baker Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. He yelled, "My God! what Do you call this -- a twat? Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" %% There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, Whose people all thought her a virgin, Till they found her in bed With her twat very red, And the head of a kid just emergin'. %% There was a young lady named Nelly Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. They could tickle her twat Or be tied in a knot, And could even swat flies on her belly. %% There was an old lady of Bingly Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. I thought I had got A bloke for my twat, But he seems rather queenly than kingly." %% What do you call a truck load of vibrators? Toys for twats. %% "When correctly viewed, Everything is lewd." -- Tom Lehrer %% A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. %% A limerick is best when it's lewd, Gross, titillating, and crude, But this one is clean -- Unless you are seen Reading it aloud in the nude. %% A wave of vulgar, filthy and suggestive music has unundated the land. Nothing but ragtime prevails, and the cake-walk with its obscene posturings, its lewd gestures... Our children, our young men and women, are continually exposed to its contiguity, to the monotonous attrition of this vulgarizing music. It is artistically and morally depressing and should be suppressed by press and pulpit. -- Musical Courier, 1899 %% An ardent young man named Magruder Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. She thought it quite lewd To be wooed in the nude, But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. %% Evil did I dwell; lewd I did live. %% Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! %% I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. She said it was crude To be wooed in the nude-- I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her! %% New Opcode: GLC Generate Lewd Comment %% Onto the lewd all things are lewd. -- Theodore Schroeder (1864-?) %% A Poem To Me Mudder (On Mudder's Day) When me prayers were poorly said Who tucked me in me widdle bed And spanked me butt 'till it was red... Me Mudder. Who took me from me cozy cot And put me on the ice cold pot And made me pee if me could not... Me Mudder. And when the morning light had come And in me bed me dwibbled some Who wiped me tiny widdle buns... Me Mudder. Who would me hair so gently part And hug me tightly to her heart And sometimes squeeze me 'till me fart... Me Mudder. %% THE PHILOSOPHER'S SONG -- by The Bruces Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable; Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar Who could drink you under the table David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel; And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya' 'Bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed... John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away, Half a crate of whiskey every day. Aristotle, Aristotle, was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram; And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am." Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed, A lovely little thinker, But a bugger when he's pissed. -- Monty Python %% There was once was this guy who began farting a great deal. The smell was quite embarrassing, but what was worse was the sound which was a loud "HONDA!" He went to a number of doctor (of course) and none of them could help him (as is always the case in these tales). Finally out of desperation he went to an old chinese doctor and explained his problem. Without any examination the doctor said, "You have an abscessed tooth, have it fixed and your problem will be solved." So he went to a dentist, and sure, enough he did have an abscessed tooth, which he had repaired, and his "HONDA" farts went away as well. So he went back to the chinese doctor and said, "What's the punch line?" -- or was it, "How did you know that I had an abscessed tooth?" "Because", said the chinese doctor, "everybody know that ... ... abscess make the fart go HONDA!" %% A Master of Art Is not worth a fart. -- Andrew Boorde (1490?-1549) %% A gifted young fellow from Sparta Was widely renowned as a farta'. He could fart anything From "Of Thee I Sing," To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." %% An old man of Texas named Tanners Was notorious for his bad manners. When he noticed the start Of an imminent fart, He'd announce it with bullhorns and banners. %% At a contest for farting in Butte One lady's exertion was cute : It won the diploma For fetid aroma, And three judges were felled by the brute. %% Can any of you think of a reason why it should bother me, asudden, that Telipinus will be installed here? Shepard, have the omens turned? Have the gods farted in my face again? %% Each Friday his engines abort, But Scotty is never caught short. He fills his machines With space-navy beans, And farts the ship back into port. %% Farting is such sweet sorrow. -- Edward Abbey %% Four Gays were sitting in a whirlpool bath and some white stuff floated to the surface. One of them proclaimed,"Alright, who farted?" %% He that lives upon Hope dies farting. -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) %% He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. %% Hear I sit all broken hearted. Tried to sh*t and only farted. %% Here I sit, broken hearted. Spent a dime and only farted. Yesterday I took a chance, saved a dime and shit my pants. %% Hey! Respect your elders. Call me Mr. Old Fart. -- Dick Vignoni %% His bowels let loose with a soul-splitting fart. Hot. Wet. Burning. The pungent fumes stung his nostrils as he sucked in the air. %% If I wanted to listen to and a**hole talk, I'd fart. %% In space, no one can hear you fart. %% It takes little strain and no art To bang out an echoing fart. The reaction is hearty When you fart at a party, But the sensitive persons depart. THE POOTMOBILE Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, Has invented a new kind of car. With a tank full of shit There's no stopping it -- For short trips, two poots take you far. %% Q. Which stretches the farthest? Skin or Rubber. A. According to the Bible it would be skin. It says: "Then Aron tied his ass to a tree and walked forty miles . . .". %% Q: What smells like worms? A: Bird farts. %% Q: What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart? A: The tavern's a bar room; the elephant fart's a BARROOM. %% Q: What is invisible but smells like carrots? A: Rabbit fart. %% Randel, n.: A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for farting at a friend. -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & Preposterous Words %% Reasons why beer is better than women number 52: Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. %% Said a decadent wench of Bombay : "This has been a most wonderful day. Three cherry tarts, At least twenty farts, Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." %% Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, "Young man, do you fart when you pee?" I replied with some wit, "Do you belch when you shit?" I think that was one up for me. %% Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted? %% There where 2 novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person bicycle. they were riding along when they hit a bump. As they hit the 2 novices giggled. The mother superior just gave them a dirty look. They rode a little farther and they hit another bump and the novices giggled again. The mother superior gave them another dirty look. They rode a bit further until they came to another bump and the two novices giggled again and the mother stopped the bike and looked at the novices and said, "If you don't stop that I'm going to put the seat back on!" %% There once was a man from Sparta, The ultimate musical farta. He could fart anything, From `God Save the King,' To Beethoven's `Moonlight Sonarta.' He would fart a gavotte for a starta, Then something by Elliot Carta. He would boom from his ass Bach's `B Minor Mass,' And in counterpoint `La Traviarta.' But old age crept up on this marta, Thus making his farting much harta. His cries of "Alas! I've lost all my gas," Are still heard in regions of Sparta. %% There once was a man from Sparter, The ultimate musical farter. He could fart anything From `God Save the King' To Beethoven's `Moonlight Sonarter.' He would fart a gavotte for a starter, Then, something by Elliot Carter. He would boom from his ass Bach's `B Minor Mass' And in counterpoint, `La Traviarter.' As old age crept up on this martyr, His farting became somewhat harter. His cries of "Alas! I've lost all my gas!" Echoed plaintively all over Sparter. But age also made him much smarter, So he settled in Puerto Vallarter, Where bean-filled tostadas And green enchiladas Inspired his finest cantarter. %% There was a young cook with the art Of making a delicious tart With a handful of shit, Some snot and some spit, And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. %% There was a young lady from Bristol Who went to the Palace called Crystal. Said she, "It's all glass, And as round as my ass," And she farted as loud as a pistol. INDUSTRIAL ASSPIONAGE %% There was a young lady named Cager Who, as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The entire oboe part Of Mozart's quartet in F major. %% There was a young lass from Surat. The cheeks of her ass were so fat That they had to be parted Whenever she farted, And also whenever she shat. %% There was a young royal marine, Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". When he reached the soprano Out came only guano And his britches weren't fit to be seen. %% There was an old fellow named Art Who awoke with a horrible start, For down by his rump Was a generous lump Of what should have been just a fart. %% NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK Cover your stump before you hump. Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. Don't be silly... protect your Willie. Before you blast her, protect your bushmaster. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong. If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. Before you bag her, sheath your dagger, It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter. If you slip between her thighs be sure to condomize. She won't get sick if you cap your dick. If you go into heat, package that meat. Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock gots a stockin'. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. A crank with armor will never harm her. %% A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun. The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes." "Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away. The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?" "25," he says. "Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?" %% A chap down in Oklahoma Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, But the sweetness of pitch Couldn't put off the hitch Of impotence, size and aroma. %% A cute little twerp from Samoa Had a cock of one inch and no moa. It was good for keyholes And debutantes' peeholes But not worth a damn on a whoa. %% A deep-throated virgin named Netty Was sucking a cock on the jetty. She said, "It tastes nice, Much better than rice, Though not quite as good as spaghetti." %% A young man by a girl was desired To give her the thrills she required, But he died of old age Ere his cock could assuage The volcanic desire it inspired. %% A young man from the banks of the Po Found his cock had elongated so, That when he'd pee It was never he But only his neighbors who'd know. %% An ARPAnaut name of Corvette Had a fetish involving the net. As he fondled his IMP His cock went from limp To as hard as concrete which has set. %% Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? -- Socrates' last words %% He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre. So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. "We've got her here, but only for the day." The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the next day and asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching a girl trying to make it with a dog. "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really great!" The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here yesterday and seen the guy with the chicken." %% He's so stupid that when his Mexican buddy invited him to a cock fight, he stayed up the night before and greased his zipper. %% His shy bride admitted to Crandall That for years she'd worked off with a candle, But a cock like his dick Gave her ten times the kick, Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! %% It's a sad house where the cock is silent and the hen crows. %% Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone! %% There once was a fairy named Avers Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. Though buggers all claimed That their asses were maimed, Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors. %% There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway Whose screams could be heard for a block away. Perceiving his error, The Rabbi in terror Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" %% There was a young fellow from Kent Whose cock was so long that it bent To save himself trouble He put it in double And instead of coming, he went. %% There was a young man from East Wubley Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. Each quadruplicate shaft Had two balls hanging aft, And the general effect was quite lovely. %% There was a young man from Lynn Whose cock was the size of a pin. Said his girl with a laugh As she felt his staff, "This won't be much of a sin." %% There was a young man in Norway, Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, But the air was so frigid It froze his cock rigid, And all he could come was frappe. %% There was a young man of Darjeeling Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. In the electric light socket, He'd put it and rock it-- Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! %% A cocksucking steno named Beeman Remarked as she swallowed my semen : "On my minuscule salary I must watch every calorie, So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" %% There was a young fellow named dick Who had a magnificent prick. It was shaped like a prism And shot so much gism It made every cocksucker sick. %% Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants. "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds." "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, `Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!" %% Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, "Ah, why doncha suck my cock." "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going to be able to settle out of court." %% A lady from Old Little Rock In fidelity took little stock, And deserted her man In the streets of Japan For a boy with a prehensile cock. %% A midwife named Flo from Arabia Often enjoys giving baby a Forty-volt shock To the base of the cock. (On a girl, she goes for the labia.) %% A whimsical fellow named Bloch Could beat the base drum with his cock. With a special erection He could play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach. %% MALE: Life support system for a cock. %% Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty immensely profitable years in the construction business. "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but am I known as Sam the Builder? No. And over the years I have contributed literally millions of dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called Sam the Philanthropist? No, sir. But suck one little cock..." %% There once was a spaceman named Spock Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. A girl from Missouri Whose name was Uhura Just fainted away from the shock. %% There was a young lady of Natchez Who chanced to be born with two snatches, And she often said, "Shit! Why, I'd give either tit For a man with equipment that matches." There was a young fellow named Locke Who was born with a two-headed cock. When he'd fondle the thing It would rise up and sing An antiphonal chorus by Bach. But whether these two ever met Has not been recorded as yet, Still, it would be diverting To see him inserting His whang while it sang a duet. %% These two project managers were walking through a residential area one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun -- I wish I could do that!" Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried it once, and the damn dog bit me!" %% An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." %% ( WARNING: If you're offended by words like "cock" and "pussy", don't read this joke. ) This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to tell him the dream she had the night before. "Honey, I dreamed I was at a cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50." "Say, was mine in the auction?" the man inquires a bit anxiously. "Honey, yours would've been too big to get in the door." A couple of days later they're lying in bed again, and the man says, "You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds." "Well, did you see mine?" she asks. "Baby," he says, "the auction was IN your pussy!" %% A truckers son was playing outside when the trucker decided to watch TV. The boy soon came to the patio, slung the door open, ate a jelly bean, bit the cat on the ear and ran off. He did this a few more times until the dad stopped him and asked what he was doing. The boy replied he was playing trucker. When the dad asked him to explain the boy said, "I doing like a trucker, poppin pills, eating pussy and haulin ass." %% A chippy who worked in Black Bluff Had a pussy as large as a muff. It had room for both hands And some intimate glands, And was soft as a little duck's fluff. %% A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest girl there. "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." "What's so special about this frog?" she asks. He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, "This frog can eat pussy." The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker. "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!" By now, the girl is laughing openly. "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm only going to show you one more time." %% A wiser young lady named Dawes Looks forward to Christmas because She was taught last December By a store Santa's member That a pussy is meant to have Claus. %% America cannot be sold a can of beer without being offered a piece of pussy along with it. -- Julius Lester %% Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" %% Confucious say: Man who meows ate pussy! %% Confuscious say: Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy. %% DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell Built a world-circling pussy cartel, And by planned obsolescence, So controlled detumescence, A poor man could not get a smell. %% FEMALE: Life support system for a pussy. %% HYPOCRITE: A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. %% If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like a taco? %% Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. %% Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! %% Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other. -- Jules Feiffer %% Save a mouse, eat a pussy! %% Stroking a furry pussy will get you scratched. %% The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" %% The speed of Ed's seed is unclocked Whenever a lady's unfrocked. Tho' his spirit is willin, When a pussy needs fillin', He's a man who goes off half-cocked. %% The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college. "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." %% There was a young woman of Condover Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. Her pussy was juicy, Her arse soft and goosey, But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. %% VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers. %% "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" %% An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, yaki-san." Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! Bonsai!" Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, yaki-san!" The prime minister turned to the Aggie and replied, "What do you mean, wrong hole?" %% Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow shum money from my wife." The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to affect the husband. "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he asked. "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for Pete's sake, turn off those lights." Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." %% GETTING THINGS DONE AROUND HERE IS LIKE - - - TWO ELEPHANTS - MAKING LOVE!!!!! . It all happens at a high level; . It's always accompanied by a lot of roaring and screaming; . It takes two years to see any results! %% There was this rich lady, who lived in a large mansion. She was so rich, she even had an artist that would paint pictures only for her. One day, she was standing in the salon, gazing at the far wall, which was relatively blank. She called up Louie. "Louie, I want you to paint me a mural on my salon wall that would depict General Custer's last thoughts." Louie replied,"Oui, Madam, but for such a work, I would need two weeks of complete privacy." Well, the lady agreed, and at the end of the two weeks, she gave a party for all her "high society" friends. She stood in front of the veiled masterpiece, and decided she wanted her friends to see it before her. So, she watched her guests for their reaction as she pulled the cord that dropped the veil. As the veil fell away, the guests' mouths dropped in shock. The lady then whirled around and saw the mural. It was a picture of a large cow with a halo over it, and all around it were indians making love. "Louie!" she screamed, grabbing him by the throat, "I asked for Custer's last thoughts! What is the meaning of this????" To which Louie replied,"Eeet ees, Madam,...Holy Cow, Look at all the f**king indians!!". %% "you probably like to do everything the hard way... like making love while standing up in a hammock" -- J. T. Delaney, USN RET %% 14 month girl gives birth to 2000 year old alien after making love to the ghost of Elvis. %% 16) She was so fat, that making love to her was like using TSO. [Ed. note: TSO is a large, slow IBM Time Sharing System] %% 3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it? %% A Frenchman, a Russian, and an Italian are in heaven discussing their respective deaths; they realize they all died because of cars. The Frenchman was making love to his girlfriend while on the highway and died in a fatal accident. The Italian drove his Ferrari so fast, he wiped out, crashed into a tree, died. The Russian saved all his rubles for a year to buy a Lada, and starved to death. %% A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. %% Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy. %% For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of making love with an man. One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome who appeared to be well-hung, so she figured, what the hell, she'd go for it. So Mary asked the fellow to come home with her. When the two got to Mary's apartment, Mary told the about her fantasy, and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the , of course, agreed, so the two headed for Mary's bedroom. When they got there, Mary said, "Ok, first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!" So the did so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up at the and said, "Now, big boy, do what you do best!" So the picked up her VCR and left. %% Just once, I'd like to see all the runners in a race suddenly stop and look at each other. And then they would come together and join hands. And they would say to each other, "Hey! Let's stop this silliness and one-upsmanship and win-lose approach! Hey! Can't we just all be brothers? Let's think, 'Win-Win'!" And they'd all march, arm in arm, side-by-side, and cross that darn finish tape Together! -- sarcasm from rec.org.mensa Today I'll play the part of nonparent, not make a hundred rules for you to kno about yourself, not lie and make you believe what's evil is making love and making friends and meeting God your own way; to see, to bleed cannot be taught. In turn, you're making us.....*******G HOSTILE! -- Pantera VDP %% On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her. The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find a man making love to the corpse. "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, that woman is dead!" "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. "I thought she was an American!" %% PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: What develops when two people get tired of making love to each other. %% Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love? A: Rule the country. %% Q: What do two WASPs say after making love? A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again. %% Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard? A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... %% Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." %% She was so fat that making love to her was like using TSO. %% Supposedly, if two people stare into one another's eyes for 60 seconds or more, they will presently be either fighting or making love. %% The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father. That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you a baby brother." "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over--I'd rather have a puppy." %% The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost. I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten dollars. That's when he jumped out the window." %% There was a young man of high station Who was found by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To -- I won't say a bitch -- But a woman of no reputation. %% There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. %% There was comfort in making love. It solved no problems: but one could run away from problems. -- "Ringworld" %% VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own. You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. %%