Fortunes collected from around monash %% There is a possibility that johnyu tutors1011 and tutors1021 as tutors1, thus those doing digital logic please ignore angela's message. -- Piat Na Lim %% The students should be treated fairly. -- Piat Na Lim %% Your cooperation is much appreciated. I know you are frustrated with changes of lab times, but this is unavoidable. If you feel this is not acceptable, I suggest you drop as a demonstrator and find yourself another job. (ha ha ha ....) -- Piat Na Lim %% "I think I'm safe as far as beaurocracy is concerned - maybe not as far as the marks go" - anon %% "I've got a slight problem - there's two chans in my class. Assign them on the basis of previous performance. No good, they oscillated all semester. Maybe they've been confused all semester" -- anon %% "This concurrent update thingy is really scarey - I think I'll just keep both vi sessions active till the last possible second then hit ZZ to prevent anyone blatting my marks" -- anon %% "Now let's see - five sheets, five columns, stuff the order" %% "Maybe I'm offset by about a week, who gives a shit" %% "'XXXXX what's your mark situation ?' 'Fine - done them all,' 'You bastard.' 'Had to make a few up though - Darren's scheme came in handy'" %% "Oh no - one to many Wongs - it adds a whole new meaning to the Baby Animals track 'One too Many' - I'll never take it seriously again." %% "You know the scenario - you only meant to change one mark but then suddenly wham blam thankyou ma'm the whole column was ruthlessly chopped down" %% "Little willy's mark was sitting there all alone in a column of zeros, just waiting for the rest of the mark entry to come along and mow it down" %% Please note that the new PC and Borland was only tested by staff tutors and believe me the first year can perform miracle. -- Piat Na Lim %% Why are we at the bottom level - Ask Paul Keating or Cliff Bellamy. -- Piat Na Lim %% >Geoff Wong writes: >ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! come on guys, quit using up all the upper case letters! -- damian. %% I could hope that I grow at the exact point where the exam is to be held (pretty unlikely) -- Justin Martin (on arriving at an exam in the next reincarnation as a tree) %% I could be cut down and made into furniture that happens to be used in the exam room (hoping of course that I'm not the chair that Ofi uses) -- Justin Martin (on arriving at an exam in the next reincarnation as a tree) %% I could be burned in a bush-fire, my ashes being picked up by the wind drift through an open window in the exam room and rest on the open exam book in the form of the answers (a task made easier with a single page, multi-choice exam) -- Justin Martin (on arriving at an exam in the next reincarnation as a tree) %% Its 9 o'clock on a tuesday and the regular crowd shuffles in Theres an old friend walking next to me really hoping to get his notes in -- Karl Geppert (apologies to Billy Joel) %% He says "can't you help me remember it" "I'm not really sure how it goes" "its sad its this week" "but I'll know it complete" "when I wear an older mans clothes" -- Karl Geppert (apologies to Billy Joel) %% Sing us a song, you're the lecturer sing us a song today well, we're all in the mood for remembering and you've got us reeling, okay. -- Karl Geppert (apologies to Billy Joel) %% Now Jon at the front is a friend of mine He gets me my notes for free He's quick with a smile or to help you a while but theres some place he'd rather be. -- Karl Geppert (apologies to Billy Joel) %% Now Paul is a particle Physicist Who never had time for a life and he's sitting with wayne who's doing this again and probably will be for life -- Karl Geppert (apologies to Billy Joel) %% The examiner is practising politics as the postgrads slowly get stoned they;re marking and exam called hopelessness but its better than marking their own. -- Karl Geppert (apologies to Billy Joel) %% Its a pretty good crowd for a tuesday as the lecturer gives me a smile cause, god knows, its he we've been going to see to learn about life for a while -- Karl Geppert (apologies to Billy Joel) %% and outside sounds like a carnival and how I could do with a beer but its sit at this table and write while I'm able and think, man what am I doing here. -- Karl Geppert (apologies to Billy Joel) %% Sing us a song, you're the lecturer sing us a song right now well we're all in the mood for a distinction, but you got to tell us 'bout how. -- Karl Geppert (apologies to Billy Joel) %% Purveyor of all vile code. Roddi has the distinction of being one of the few people I know who adheres to the "Maximum message length" coding philososopy. Cited examples: Roddi's feeble "this is my dying effort" animation attempt last year - involving two pyramid like objects apprarently chasing each other round the screen. I have it on good authority from my CIPAG cohorts that it is in fact *very difficult* to do an animation that bad. But back to the original vein:- it took roddi thousands of lines of code to get the above "animation" - (who says the semantics of English aren't subtle and all-encompassing in their meaning) "going" - footnote 1. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars) %% "It's device independent, I say - it dices, it slices, it works - it's stable" ,last phrase uttered sotto-voce. "It's even object oriented" -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Roddi]) %% About as stable as two drunks leaning against each other for support hey Roddi. This self-confession from the man himself. (At this stage of the animation, the chasing pyramid has shunted the other up the rear with no attempt at clipping.) Tens of thousands of dollars of hardware in sight, but not a program worth running on it under the ~roddi partition of the drive. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Roddi]) %% Of course Roddi has moved onto smaller and better things this year - skeletal systems. Just think: Two pyramids, no moving parts -> total disaster. What will Roddi accomplish when things really start happening. Projected code size ? - "Just you forget about that Daz - It'll be object oriented, it will " .. Mr Walker - I put it to you that you're deceiving the Victorian public. Your repeated failure to deliver working software is a disgrace to the office of ... "Well Jana - it depends on how you define 'working' - it was consuming cpu time and I think that this is the salient point here" -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Roddi]) %% But enough - I digress. Picture if you will a class of first years rolling on the ground cacking themselves as I explain to them the true extent of Roddi's coding ability. Built up as a demi-god in their eyes, his coding reputation lay in tatters around them. Copious diagrams on the board : The correct way. ---------------- +----+ +----+ +----+ Head ->| | --> | | --> | | -> Null. +----+ +----+ +----+ The Roddi Walker List from Hell (tm) ^ ------------------------------------ | , (strlen function last sighted here) +----+ +----+ +----+ Head <-| | _+ | | <--| | -> Null. (or it was once anyway) +----+ | +----+ +----+ V | ^ > (The approximate location of puts) -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Roddi]) %% How fitting - having Roddi implement his code on an iris - only the best for the best. I hear there's a good first year tutorial happening on pointer manipulation - you might like to attend - just bring your no-doze. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Roddi]) %% #include . (Mb of code omitted for brevity) . main() { cout << "wp++ V 19.56" << endl; // Why postpone the inevitable abort(); } -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Roddi]) %% Roddi was last seen up here begging to read good old "Smith - Data structures and algorithms" - I believe he promised to return it by 5.00 pm the same day. Having still not returned it by 2:15 the following day, my guess is that Roddi has found more than even he expected. I'm waiting for him to burst though the dorr any minute now crying "Wow - these statically sized arrays are really neat - you should try them sometime." To tree or not to tree. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Roddi]) %% Lentil as his admirers fondly call him. Kevins great claim to fame in life is not his coding style (or lack of it) - because he hardly ever codes. (Our intrepid reporters discovered Ron banging his fists on the floor is hysterical fits of laughter late at night. After the adminsitration of two kilos of sedatives, Ron was able to communcate with his nurse, indicating that he had received mail from Kevin saying he was going to start his honours project. The CIA are investigating a conspiracy theory in which a malicious prankster telnetted to the SMTP port on Ron's dec and faked the mail. Kevin isn't a suspect. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Kevin]) %% No Kevin Charles Lentin has a calling to greatness in other ways. Kevin is the indvidual with all the ambition the rest of us missed out on at birth. Kevin has vain ambitions of: (i) Porting TurboVison (tm) to Unix. (snigger - sorry in-joke). (ii) Maintaining a calendar program called Donald of all things. (iii) Catching the elusive Ms ~ (iv) Installing elm on an Iris. (v) Turning Tin into a newsreader. (vi) Finding a bug in pluto. (vii) Learning how to use a whistle properly. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Kevin]) %% After tym's recent efforts at self immolation of he and his 139 cohorts, I think it's only fair to reveal some of Tym's work habits. Tym is monash's very own professional beta-tester. A typical day in Tym's postgraduate life: 8:40: Arrive to start amiga 8:41: Reseat agnus chip to accomplish goal one. 8:50: Log onto dibbler. 8:51: Mail reading begins. Grateful acceptance of patches from all over the world - from yesterdays afforts. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Tym]) %% A typical day in Tym's postgraduate life: [part 2] 9:00: Quick glance though slander. 10:00: Time to fire up Conquer. Tym's main job is to bash Conquer around the clock. He has a laptop PC just so he can log in from home easily to continue the job after hours. Tym has located many a fine hole in the conquer code (no doubt flaming suspicion about Roddi's other job - where is he between 8 at night and 12 noon ?) 11:00: Mailing off the mornings bug haul. Time to start playing with Tcl. My esprit says something like : tym logs on ttyp4 from dec07. 12:00: Over lunch a new patch for gcc arrives for version 2.1.1.1.1.1 - time to install it. It's a beta version - don't worry - daz enjoys the challenge. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Tym]) %% A typical day in Tym's postgraduate life: [part 3] 1:00pm: Sparc starts to calm down from g++ rebuild, so Tym fires up a few more compilations. Time to add that coffee function to tcl. Ahh - a new vesion of elm - quick install it. 1:05.27: Trevor enters and Tym's processor is switched to supervisor mode. The ease process is swapped into memory and tym starts muttering. 1:06:12: Kernel Panic over - resume processing. 2:15p: Replies to mail from daz re: Why elm has stopped working. 3:00p: Juergen sends a patch though for screen - must install immediately stop. Users expendable stop. Take any measure necessary stop. 3:15p: Reply to daz explaining the sudden collection of dead screen sockets he now has in his .screen directory. screen -wipe is the suggested reply. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Tym]) %% Had a misguided childhood. Delusions of grandeur overtook him at the age of about 14 (Kevin suffers from a similar syndrome - but the two are not medically related). Zik suffers from a permanent delusion that he can administer the world from a fish bowl. Despite the fact that all previous attempts at world domination have come from much more bodacious abodes, Zik is still making his attempt. Not content just to get that into the guiness book of records, Zik would like to do this whilst attempting his postgraduate degree at Monash. Some feel this is an unfair stunt, since Genghis Khan, Napolean, The Goodies, Hitler - didn't have the opportunity of enrolling in CompSci at Monash (well I don't know Roddi has a rather similar stature to ..) and so they could hardly have established the record anyway. Nevertheless, at last count, Zik had 56 projects currently in progress, and rumour has it that his PhD isn't near the top. A little like trying to run elm on yoyo really isn't it. -- Darren Platt (in the yoyo slander wars [on Zik]) %% Paradigms Exam, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Students doing CS372. Their continuous missions : to explore strange new languages, to seek out new logics and functions, to boldly think where no one (except Lloyd) has thought before ... -- Karl Geppert %% ____ _____ ____ / \ ___/_____\___ / \ \____/ ____/______________\____ \____/ \\ /:::::USS Paradigms:::::\ // ================================================= \==============================================/ \\ \____________________/ // \\ \________________/ // \\ \____/ // * \\ _|__|_ // + \\/ \// . | ()() | . . (| ()**() |) . | ()() | . \________/ -- Karl Geppert %% Encounter at Farpoint The crew of Paradigms is terrorised by a mysterious force called "Q" while heading towards an unknown type system. Q (Madan) suddenly appears on the bridge. As Picard (Lloyd) tries to grab him, Q disappears and reappears behind the Captain. Picard remarks, "You have no STRUCTURE at all, have you ?" Q mutters "The UNIVERSE is full of things..." before disappears again. -- Karl Geppert [on Lloyd Allison's 3rd year paradigms course] %% Yesterday's Paradigms The course of history is altered when a time rift brings a starship Algol-60 from the past to the presented. The crew is given a read scare when the "Y"-shaped spaceship appears from nowhere. -- Karl Geppert [on Lloyd Allison's 3rd year paradigms course] %% Unification, part I Picard (Lloyd) tries to explain how to unified *a with list *b and *c->*d. However, no one except Riker (Mike) has any idea of what he's on about. -- Karl Geppert [on Lloyd Allison's 3rd year paradigms course] %% Q++ The crew of Paradigms is once again challenged by the dangerous and powerful "Q" (Madan) who offers Riker (Mike) a package on OOA and C++ in exchange for some advice on how to program in COBOL. -- Karl Geppert [on Lloyd Allison's 3rd year paradigms course] %% The Measure of A Man A starfleet medical commander wants to disassemble Data (Srini) in order to readjust (slow-down) the settings on its voice circuit. -- Karl Geppert %% Allegiance Without's the crew knowledge, Captain Picard (Lloyd) is kidnapped and replaced by an evil impostor. (Guest stars Tao Lai) The crew becomes suspicious when the impostor can not answer any questions on Prolog or LML. -- Karl Geppert %% Where No One Has Gone Before Each member of the crew is individually interviewed by Picard (Lloyd) in his office as he tries to find out everyone's knowledge (or the lack of it) on functional paradigms. -- Karl Geppert %% The Neutral (Smoke-free) Zone While Picard (Lloyd) is on an away team mission to explore an unknown type system. Riker (Mike) is left in charge of The Paradigms: Riker: "Do you mind if I smoke ?" Everyone on board: "YES!" Riker: "Okay, then - " (lights a cigarette) "You'll all get 6 out of 10" -- Karl Geppert %% The Tree Multiplers When the holodecks computer malfunction, Geordi (Sid) becomes trapped in a forest, where a type of plant, known as the Wallace's Trees come to life and multiply out of control. The tree-people are threaten to kill anyone who has forged their notes on computer organization. -- Karl Geppert %% Captain's Holiday While on vacation, Picard (Lloyd) becomes entangled in the search for the loose end in a circular list. -- Karl Geppert %% Code of Honours While visiting the Starfleet Academy, all crew members are forced to take a lecture on a fourth year topics - Denotational Semantics, taught by none other than Picard (Lloyd) himself. -- Karl Geppert %% If I was a tearoom user, And I caught a teaspoon abuser, I'd have him nailed to the walls, And cut off his ...... scholarship [Especially if he were a postgraduate loser]. Dr Hawks. -- '92 CS Departmental Christmas Party skit %% Cox: "Weeell - I had a local, but that's worn off now, and things are weell, you know, a little touchy. It was a choice between a general anesthetic for my wife and a local for me, so I did the sensible thing." Timorous: "Did they stick a needle in the - you know what ?" Cox: "They run the place like a production line - you walk in, fill out a few forms, then they take you into the operating room - you flop it out on the table - they stick a needle in, and before you know it - snip." -- '92 CS Departmental Christmas Party skit %% Hawks: "Look at the prize I've taken from my cellars for the new footy competition!" Timorous asks about the competition. Hawks: "Oh - you get points based upon the log of the total sum of the score differences between the winning and losing teams squared and divided by the cumulative total scores for the finals" Timorous: "I don't understand." Hawks: "Oh - you're just a secretary. -- '92 CS Departmental Christmas Party skit %% Enter Leyland. /* wearing aboriginal T-shirt and sunglasses (and possibly hat). */ Ms. Timorous: "Oh here's Mr Leyland - welcome back, how was your trip?" Mr Leyland: "Great thanks - I've got some/three_volumes_of photos to show you." /* Ms. Timorous looks at photos together with Mr Leyland making suitable comments and then she says: */ Timorous: "So what do you think was the highlight of your trip, Mr Leyland?" Mr Leyland: "Oh it was definitely the night we went to bed about 9 pm..." Ms Timorous interrupts: "Oh Mr Leyland I don't want to know about those sort of highlights - I mean the scenic highlights!" Mr Leyland: "Let me finish. We had our campervan parked right next to the camp swimming pool and all of a sudden we heard the loud noise of a four wheel drive vehicle burning up the camp road and it screeched to a halt by the swimming pool and out jumped three girls and they immediately stripped off and jumped in the pool stark naked. I couldn't believe my luck. I was really glad we were parked next to the pool." -- '92 CS Departmental Christmas Party skit %% "Blonde Pullet Friccassee" or "Chicken Penington": [part 1] Ingedients: One (1) blonde pullet, of tender years and delicate understanding. One (1) pack mixed postgraduate nuts. One (1) bunch young, inexperienced honours student grapes. Directions: Preparation of pullet: First I HACK off ze head, And I PULL out ze bones, Zen I pound ze pullet bad with a mallet, Zen I PULL off ze skin, Give ze belly a slice, Zen I ghrob some salt in, Because it makes it taste niiiii-ahce. -- Roddi Walker [prior to a Zone3 session] %% "Blonde Pullet Friccassee" or "Chicken Penington": [part 2] Preparation of hons students: Place bunch in large, metal bucket, suitable for pressing wine. Put on riding boots, using detachable metal handles if needed (no kidding!). Now JUMP on the grapes - CRUSH them under your ARMOURED HEEL - GLORY in the SCARLET CARATACT of their juice gushing skywards - GRIND them to a pulp - REND them with your BARE HANDS - DEVOUR THEM WHOLE, for everytime they've called you "fogey" - feed the ones that made snide shower-related jibes to the BAYING, SLAVERING BEAST that IS your GRAPE HUND - as for the ones that made sleep-related comments, BOIL THEM IN THEIR OWN JUICES, UNTIL THEIR PITYFUL BODIES REVERT TO THE DISGUSTING SLIME THEY REALLY ARE ... Are ... Ar ... Ah ... ahhhh ... phew ... *pant* *pant* -- Roddi Walker [prior to a Zone3 session] %% "Blonde Pullet Friccassee" or "Chicken Penington": [part 4] Preparation of postg nuts: None needed. They're perfect with any dish. - Roddi %% "Blonde Pullet Friccassee" or "Chicken Penington": [part 5] Combining the Ingredients: IMPALE - my apologies - skewer chicken on roasting spit. Disregard the incessant squawking noises it still makes - the chicken is most certainly past all suffering, and this ceasless chattering is merely the break muscles' reflex to a lack of cerebral stimulation. Place in oven on a brick - better still, use the brick to SMASH ITS SILLY HEAD IN - ahem - again, I beg your pardon - place in oven and set to high. Actually, this stage cannot be overdone - the experienced cook will use a range of household petrochemicals and low-grade explosives to achieve the full bouquet usually associated with the larger industrial disasters. Bake for several days - longer if your oven cannot sustain temperatures higher than lead's boiling point. -- Roddi Walker [prior to a Zone3 session] %% "Blonde Pullet Friccassee" or "Chicken Penington": [part 6] Extinguish THE PATHETIC, CHARRED CARBON MASS that once was Linda "The Pullet" Penington with the BLOOD OF YOUR CRUSHED ENEMIES - *AHEM* - with the juice of the crushed NANCY BOY RAVING TECHNO-POOFTER FAIRIES - ***AAAAAHEM***! - with the juice of the crushed _grapes_. Yes _grapes_. Sour grapes. Lemme tell you, if I have a riding crop for every time one of those ... ggnnnnmmmmmmmmmphhh. Wait for chicken to cool down. Try to ignore the insistent squawking which, by this time, is quite irritating. Sprinkle lightly with mixed nuts. Finally cork THAT BLOODY BEAK for once and ferall with a melon of some description. Jesus. Best served with in-laws and young cousins. -- Roddi Walker [prior to a Zone3 session] %% 130 194 67 199 hut - and the IP has been thrown down the field to pgn who catches and runs. He makes good ground but a mob of distressed users is there waiting for him. A wide pass to Tam who successfully dodges, ducks, weaves and reconfigures past Merry and Pippin. Tam passes back to pgn but THE PASS IS INCOMPLETE ! - a flag on the play. -- Darren Platt [on the CS ip number reassignment] %% Les steps out of his office, faces the crowd and goes for the radio transmitter on his belt and gesticulates wildly - his mac has apparently stopped working. "Fumble - against player one for the offense - the root password is declined. Play will commence on the 20meg line, 2nd down" -- Darren Platt [on the CS ip number reassignment] %% 130 194 64 33 hut - A much better IP - cleaner delivery than the last. The quarter-wit^H^H^Hback races down the bus, concealing the root password under his jumper. Dead client server protocols lunge from everywhere, users wielding coredumps and printouts of undelivered mail, useless goofey clients come out of the woodwork. Desperation time as star linebacker Trevor - furry marsupial - Dix intercepts and sends the 'hail Merry' to tym who succesfully recompiles and redistributes goofey, calming the storm - TOUCHDOWN ! -- Darren Platt [on the CS ip number reassignment] %% > This is to inform you that you have exceeded your monthly quota of 50 pages. > You have printed 1050 pages on laser printers since Mar 1. > So far in the month of Mar your laser printer account is 1050 pages. > Since 12 Feb 1993, your page aggregate for the year 1993 is 1073. > Please refer any queries to johnyu. -- mail to Kevin Lentin (postscript hacker) %% Vee have your Joomper. If you ever want to see it again please transfer A$10000000 into zee following sviss bank account : A1288s888329-20 Zen place page 5 of today's Age, wrapped in page 23 of zis veek's New Idea into a brown paper bag, and deposit zis under zee rock near zee computer science steps (leading to zee general office - you VILL know zee vones...) before 9 am tomorrow morning. After 5 pm tomorrow you vill find a small key under zee aformentioned rock, which will open a safty depost box in zee Bank of Zurich. In zis you will find a small fish, vich you must take to zee fish&chip shop on Lygon St. vere you vill be given a potato chip (exactly 5 centimeters in length, and 1 cm sqvere) vich you must insert into zee coin return slot of zee Cok machine, located in zee foyer to zee first-year phyziks labs. Then insert 2 dollars in to zee machine and select a Coke. Zee 1 dollar in change vill by now be embeded in zee chip. Bring both zee chip (with $1 coin embeded) and zee Coke to room 139/19, vere some unassoziated stooges vill hand over your joomper in exhange for zee last two items. -- Andrew Davison [to Damian Conway] %% Lin Dar Pen spoke to Con Wei: "Master does the teapot have a buddha nature?" Con Wei turned and pointed to the mountain, replying, "Devi-sen met the seventy-seven sages on the road to Vo Li-Bal and challenged them to debate the teachings of Gautama with him. They argued for eight days and eight nights without cease. Finally the least of the sages, Ro-Dee, took a whip and beat Devi-sen, crying "You're a teapot! You're a teapot!" -- Damian Conway %% An passing priest took the the wounded Devi-sen to an inn and tended his wounds. The next morning Devi-sen went to wash in a nearby pool. As he gazed into the still waters, he noticed that his bruises had taken the appearance of a garland of flowers. At this he was enlightened." "But, master," persisted the puzzled Lin Dar Pen, "what does this tell us about the nature of a teapot?" "Consider the taunts of Ro-Dee." replied the teacher enigmatically, "Devi-sen had a nice blue floral pattern, but he had no mesh! Yet was he not still a teapot?" -- Damian Conway %% "Tym plays for fun. Andy plays to win. GLen plays to kill." -- Andrew McIver on volleyball styles... %% And Yeah did the users complain that the gates to the great Yoh-Yoh were shut to the followers of Moh-Dem. And Yeah did they beg that the great portal be opened. And the reply came back: None shall pass through the Em-Tee-Ess into the land of Yoh-Yoh for clogged shall the Em-Tee-Ess be, and the wroth of the Si-See shall be great. And so the gates to the Yoh-Yoh remained shut. -- Kevin Lentin [on the creation of 'arnie' the modem terminator] %% And Yeah verily did they come again begging and once more came a reply: A great guard shall be built, and the Guard shall protect the Em-Tee-Ess from the hoardes of Moh-Dem. And a message was sent across the land that all brave subjects should volunteer to design and construct the great Guard for the Knights of Jayoo-Nix had not the time. But none were forthcoming. -- Kevin Lentin [on the creation of 'arnie' the modem terminator] %% And on the 5th day of the second week of the third month did come the Knight Tyme (just after the afternoon time) and he did approacheth the Knight Kray-Zikev saying: Lo, none hath come and time groeth near. We shall construct the Guard. And the Knights did toil for 2 long days (and 1 long night) and yeah did live the Guard and the Guard's name was Arr-Knee. And they looked upon it and saw that it was nice (about -5). -- Kevin Lentin [on the creation of 'arnie' the modem terminator] %% And Tyme did call out to the Si-See asking: How verily huge be the courtyard of Em-Tee-Ess? And the Saint Mah-Riss of a Si-See did respond saying: 19. And Kray-Zikev did lay down the file of configuration saying 19. And Tyme did mutter the incantations inscribed upon the Great Oak and did find the root and yeah did Arr-Knee live. -- Kevin Lentin [on the creation of 'arnie' the modem terminator] %% And Arr-Knee went unto the people of Moh-Dem and they numbered only 11, yet no more could enter the Em-Tee-Ess. And so did Tyme cry out to Mah-Riss saying: Where hideth the other 8? But Mah-Riss had sojourned to a far off land so the Knights did wait and Arr-Knee did sleep a deep sleep. -- Kevin Lentin [on the creation of 'arnie' the modem terminator] %% And the Knights Tyme and Kray-Zikev did call out to the people of Moh-Dem saying: Soon shall the gates of Em-Tee-Ess be opened. The virtue of patience shall be your reward. And the days turned into a week. And BEHOLD returneth the Saint Mah-Riss of the Si-See. And Tyme called out to Mah-Riss saying: What is the true nature of the Em-Tee-Ess. And Mah-Riss did reply saying: Yea confused was the Em-Tee-Ess. It truly doth have the 19 nature. -- Kevin Lentin [on the creation of 'arnie' the modem terminator] %% And Tyme called out to Kray-Zikev saying: Behold the problems of the Em-Tee-Ess are solved. And lo and behold, once more did Tyme utter the icantations, and awoken from it's deep sleep was the Guard Arr-Knee and he did patrol the gates of Em-Tee-Ess and count the people of Moh-Dem did he. -- Kevin Lentin [on the creation of 'arnie' the modem terminator] %% And it came to pass that the courtyard of the Em-Tee-Ess was full and agrieved was Arr-Knee and yea did he rise up and curse upon the eldest of the Moh-Dem and did allow 2 minutes for him to leave, but alas he did not. And enraged was Arr-Knee and he did dismiss the Moh-Dem saying: Hasta La Vista Bebbe -- Kevin Lentin [on the creation of 'arnie' the modem terminator] %% And once more was there space in the courtyard of Em-Tee-Ess. And the Saints of the Si-See did look upon the people of Yoh-Yoh and they were pleased. And Tyme and Kray-Zikev did look upon the Guard Arr-Knee and they too were pleased. -- Kevin Lentin [on the creation of 'arnie' the modem terminator] %% Stop it Ulli - you talking about computers again. Kevin's allowed to - he doesn't have to be interesting. -- Roddi Walker. %% Your guitar is strung with catgut isn't it Linda? It's just that most people have the courtesy to detach it from the cat in question first, though. -- Roddi Walker %% Roddi: I've got a knock-knock joke for you. You start. Linda: er. knock knock? Roddi: Who's there? Linda: Um. I don't know... Roddi: Well, *I'm* laughing :-) %% Damian: < the importance of designing programs first > But you people probably just start coding. Roddi: That's because we're GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! %% Justin: < Gazes at revealing swimsuit gif of a girl lying on a boat deck > ... minutes pass ... That's the BIGGEST boat I've ever seen. %% Justin: < While downhill skiing, 1992> KOM! WE GO UP MOUNTAIN! %% Justin: KOM! WE GO! %% Justin, strapping on wolfskins: THE SHEEKRET OF SHTEEL! %% "Kom, we cross da river" -- Kevin Lentin [after his first (failed) turn while downhill skiing] %% Message 1: Tue Jun 30 09:17:23 (read) From: kevin [To: daz] AHAH! My posts all have my signature hacked off at the end. PlusI know better than to claim Donald is more stable than Pluto. %% assert(obj[i]->poly_num >= 0); for (j=0; jpoly_num; j++) { assert(obj[i]->poly[j] != NULL); assert(obj[i]->poly[j]->vert_num >= 3); for (k=0; kpoly[j]->vert_num; k++) assert(obj[i]->poly[j]-> vert[k]>=0 && obj[i]->poly[j]->vert[k]uvert_num); assert(obj[i]->poly_col[j]>=0 && obj[i]->poly_col[j]<=0xffffff); assert(!func_compare(func_magnitude(obj[i]->poly_norm[j]), 1.0, 0.00 1)); } if (obj[i]->poly_num > 0) assert(obj[i]->conv_num > 0); assert(obj[i]->conv_num>=0 && obj[i]->conv_num<=MAX_CONV); -- Have you seen this code ? -- Last seen in Roddi's honours project code. -- Current whereabouts unknown! %% Justin: YOU KILLED MY MUDDAH! Roddi: YOU KILLED MY FADDAH! Both: YOU KILLED MY VILLIJ! %% "My patience is at an end" - Adolf Hitler and Roddi Walker, at different times. %% Justin: 6 metres ... 5 metres ... 4 metres ... they're inside the room, man! Roddi: It's reading right man! Justin: Look at those ammo counters go! Roddi: Must be a shooting gallery in there! They must be wall to wall! - CIPAG lab, 1991+. %% Justin: GAME OVER ... GAME OVER, MAN! Roddi: Stay on target ... stay on target ... Justin: I will not leave my wingman! Roddi: Break left! Break left! Justin: He's all over me, man! I can't shake him! Roddi: Eject! Eject! Justin: Negative ... AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! - CIPAG lab, 1991+. %% Ricky: So, Roddi, why DO you ride horses? Roddi: Dunno. < thinks of Linda > Why do guys need girls? To dominate dumb animals bigger than you are, I guess. %% It started normally enough - I was a labrador, running down a lane into the backyard of my sister's house. Then I changed back to human form, but she turned into a sort of scarecrow, made of spaghetti instead of straw. I think it was my fault, because I had regained human form and she had lost it - so it was up to me to change her back. But then she turned into some hot vegetable (mainly lentil) soup in a drawer of grandparent's house. But she could still communicate (mentally) with me. After a while, she could even ring pizza places and order her pizza - even though she was just a drawer full of vegetable soup. But the really bizarre this is: I DON'T HAVE A SISTER!!!!!!!!! Weird or what, huh? - Common postgraduate dream. %% Justin: < knocks on cover of book > 'Ello. Who eez eet? < opens book > %% Justin: Bauh, bauh, bauh. Boogity, boogity, boo. < for scaring Honours students senseless in the darkened CIPAG lab, laaate at night > %% Justin: NOSFERATU! Write his name in BLUUUUD! BUAH, BUAH, BUAH! %% Roddi: Achtung! Englander bandits at 3 o'clock! Justin: Mein Gott in Himmel! <"I will not leave my wingman!" in German :-> Roddi: Ach, zoon, very zoon zey will TASTE DEATH from my TWIN 20mm CANNONS! - "The History of Aerial Combat", Martin & Walker, CIPAG Press, 1992. %% Roddi: < picks up trumpet > Now for a little Mr Antonio Diabelli - King of the Baroque < toot > YASSSSSSSS!!!!!!! DAMN, I'M HOT, *HOT*, ***HOT***! %% Roddi: Turn and burn! Davidc: Mutha! Justin: CAN'T .. FEEL .. MA .. LEG ... CAN'T .. FEEL .. MA .. LEG ... Regan: AR! The twin nipples of pain! The twin nipple cripple! Justin: Well, bugger me with a rough stick! Roddi: Want summa this? Huh? HUH? What 'bout you? You want some too, huh? C'mon mother ... I don't got all day ... Regan: I will not ... hurd anybuddy ... drusd me ... - CIPAG Lab, 1991+ %% Roddi: Hi, Ofi. What's new in IBM land? Ofi: Nothing in 20 years. %% Roddi: klump-klump-klumpity-klump-klump < first flight of steps > WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP < first landing > whappita-whappita-whap-whap < second flight of steps > WHAM WHAM WHAM < second landing > Cowering student: Eeek! Aie! < jumps out of skin> R-I-I-I-P-splurgle Roddi: What? Huh? Whaddid I do? Cowering Student: What? It's only *YOU*? I thought someone was stampeding down the stairs! Roddi: < never likened to a stampede before > Gee, *thanks*! --- First encounter (of the booted kind) for Roddi. %% "Any ships worth torpedoing on your horizon lately?" - often heard in the CS Men's volley ball lockerroom :-) %% Roddi, suffering from Hons stress in Mac lab: AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! Gerhard, in the machine room: What the !@#$ was that? Steve, in machine room: Just Roddi screaming ... %% Male Tutor1: So, any *talent* in your class? Male Tutor2: Well, a few guys could write it in LML, but nah, no talent ... %% "Chink ... kachink ... chink ... kachink ..." -Steve, the lab technician, while walking behind Roddi %% Roddi: < wonders why Les & Ron are sticking their heads out of their offices as he walks by > Hey! Isn't a guy allowed to whistle a cheery tune in this place? < realises it was "Deutschlund, Deutschlund, Uber Alles" > %% Mmcg: Hey, like the haircut. Thinking of a career in the SS, huh? Roddi: It's more of a calling than a career, Mike. %% Damian: "The world's not perfect." "None of us are perfect." "Well, except for Roddi that is." %% Justin: (on thinking that it's just as well the 1st years have a three week break from prac coming up...) "Thank Christ for Easter" (Completely unintentional, Justin was severely spooked) %% Damian: [said that our heartbeats probably had a larger fractal dimension than whatever it was he was describing.] Jules: "My heartbeat's not fractal!" Damian: (in low husky voice) "my heartbeat's not fractal...bet that line doesn't work in the bars!" %% awk '$3!=$4{print $4,$2; print $3,$2}' adjuses.rank | sort | awk '{if ($1==last) sum+=$2; else {print sum,last;sum=$2;last=$1}} END{print sum,last}' | sort -rn | cat -n | head -20 | goofey -s kevin,linda,daz -- Tim MacKenzie [generating goofey summary logs] %% It doesn't matter how many MIP's you've got under the bonnet if the steering wheel is broken. -- Tim MacKenzie [on SGI's] %% (I recently did a course on how to be a fully fledged executive. I now know how to DO bar-b-cues, DO a sandwich, DO some coffee, and DIALOGUE with a fish and chip shop owner!). --- Andrew Jacka on working life at Comalco. %% From: roddi I assure you, Miss Penington, I would not fail to notice having my person assaulted with a pullastic missile. I merely suggested, in the most respectful manner, that you have yet to employ such a subtle argument. Message 10: Mon Mar 22 16:49:17 (read) From: linda You may find your use of the word "respectful" is somewhat erroneous. %% Karl said: >Hmm - I wonder why - but I have tarr'ed most of it up and have grabbed the >bits I need immediately. These guys are much better - they are competent >and enthusiastic - they actually fix things when you ask them and they talk >to you. I was saying I couldn't loginto a dec so the sys admin came up and >spent half anhour showing me why my xsession were stuffing up. You're kidding right? Helpfull? (wry grin) Enthusiastic? (snigger) Talk to you? (giggle) Sys admin came to you? (ha...ha,ha,ha...aah dear) Half an hour? (BWAAAA..HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA...WHOOOO.HOO.HOO.HOO....etc) (Accompanied by much slapping of knee by hand and wiping away of tears) -- Discussion between Spiff and Karl %% "I ran out of gas! I got a flat tire! I locked my keys in the car! An old friend came in from out of town! I lost my tux at the cleaners! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't my FAULT!" - It might have been Simon England. %% I was accused of asking a particular girl out 2 weeks before I had even met her. Now thats foresight! -Jax - on Women. %% Let me guess... Its 106 meters to the CIPAG lab, I got a full can of Fanta, half a phD, its dark, and I'm wearing riding boots. -Jax - on somebody we all know %% I can see it now. Just in case the death and mayhem is getting too much for you, team 3 will have members posted at appropriate points (reloading stations so to speak) where you can receive a complimentary hug and pat on the back before you go back into the heat of battle Just remember, if you hug right, you can't be shot. -- Kevin Lentin %% Ah, my chil-drun of de night. Whut byootiful myoosic dey mayk. Bua, ua, ua! %% Kate, Dave's girlfriend: < races up to Roddi, takes his arm > You can take me out _anytime_, Roddi! Dave: < materialises out of nowhere. Hisses confidentially: > She's been drinking. %% Dave: < to Kate > You're kidding < laughs - but in a slightly strained manner > You _ARE_ going out to dinner with HIM? < lengthy silence, then, very quietly: > Am I invited? %% Ro Di came to Con Wei and brandished a sharp wit at him. Con Wei pointed to Ali-Sun, who had just passed him a small email message. Silently ignoring the flailing wit, Con Wei forwarded the email message to Ro Di and walked away. At this Ro Di was enlightened. This was the email message: To: academics Subject: seminar opportunity ! we have a hole in the seminars - Monday 19 April (and also some later) are there any volunteers ? or volunteer your postgrad (make their day) dates in ~lloyd/Seminars/Dates %% Roddi: < hanging upside down, being held by his ankles and being shook violently > Damian: Ideas. Dell me your researchd ideas. Roddi: LEGGO ME, YOU BIG OX! < Thump - he hits the floor > HEY! WHADDID YOU DO THAT FOR?! Damian: You dold me do. Roddi: Wha? D ... (B ... G ... for purists :-) Lemme get this straight - you have to do anything I tell you to? Damian: Dad is pard of my mission parameders. %% Roddi: Wha? D ... (B ... G ... for purists :-) Lemme get this straight - you have to do anything I tell you to? Damian: Dad is pard of my mission parameders. Roddi: COOL! Um ... stand on one foot ... < Damian does so > Put up your right hand ... < Damian mindlessly complies :-> Repeat after me ... I will not hurt anybody ... Damian: I will not hurd anybuddy ... Roddi: Not even any of my postgrads ... Damian: Not even any of my posdgrads ... Roddi: Especially Roddi ... Damian: Especially Roddi ... %% Roddi: Who I will acknowledge to be perfect in public - at the next tutors' meeting, in fact ... < Damian, the Derminador, does as his Master commands > Saaaaaaaayyy ... that's a _nice_ thesis ... Hmmmm ... Isoluminance Contours, huh? ... all ready to submit, name printed only on title page ... pass it here ... < Again, Damian, powerless to resist, does so - despite his bulging muscles and his beady little eyes - yes, I think we're about even for the "least of the 77 sages" crack, DC :-> Damian: < Does so > Whad do you need thad for? Roddi: Truh ... < Pauses, gives Damian a strange look > Drusd me. %% "He WILL NOT STOP, until you are DEAD" :-) -- Justin & Roddi [in the cipag lab some time] %% Andrew "Comalco" Jacka, replying to email from Roddi: > Have Fun, Roddi > PS: Catcha-can, catcha-can, it's-lots-of-fun-to-do! Ah shuddup. %% 50% sleep, 50% feeding, no time for anything else :-) -- Ofi's away message. %% From: a.jennings@trl.oz.au (Andrew Jennings) To: lindap@bruce.cs.monash.EDU.AU > My program refuses to work - even if I get it working today, there's no > way I'll get it decently written up by tomorrow. My eyes are going > green from staring at the terminal for far too long! > Would you consider extending the deadline? I'll beg and grovel if it #Recognised Keyword: deadline #Recognise Query form: ? > will help. :) > Should I mention hedgehogs? :) #Confusion Index 7.5 > Thankyou for reading my confused ramblings... > Linda Penington | "Change was right. Change was necessary. #Presuming Extension Request #Outputting Standard Message A week extension is fine. No longer. #Sending Mail ..Bus Error, Dumping Core.... %% But to expect first year students to write routines using undocumented xxxxx nondocumented nonstandard libraries as well as pushing them to "cleanse" their code (in my opinion) is giving them unnecessary stress. It is "HELL" when there is a spiritual warfare. Why can't we be like HUMAN GOD and stick to proper book as bible. -- Piat Na Lim %% This is exceptional hard to judge (yes, even for people with boots the size of a planet, Roddi) -- Damian Conway [in the 1st year tutoring wars] %% Please note that the doors to the above rooms in the new building are unlocked when there are sheduled labs. You have to push the door harder. -- Piat Na Lim %% On behalf of the future first year kids, I would like to say thankyou for listening and I am sure the department will do a better work next time. Could first yr tutors pls give as much feedback as possible. Look at the bright side first year teaching and coordination is NEVER easy. -- Piat Na Lim %% From: roddi Dude - you feel like answering a trivial c++ question? My first ever class - just constructors <20 lines of code Ripped straight from a book AND IT DOESN'T WORK! From: tym Send it this way. From: tym Missing a ';' at the end of the class decl. From: roddi AR, FER GODS' SAKE!!!! ^*$%&I*%RGEWW@E#&^NO*^TRJEQO*N^RQO*^TNJEXWRX#O*^TQ fassagrassamnfgrmblesassafrasaa AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!! Many thanks, Tym. From: roddi Makes me sick. %% yeah. I'm not sure I could handle it, frankly. It's not the research that worries me - I think I'd enjoy that - it's the concept of more lectures and exams that gives me the screaming heeby jeebies. so hons is kinda out. -- Linda, 4 months before returning to do honours. %% Damian: "You can stare at the mathematics of that until you go out of your mind." Linda(without missing a beat):"Until?" Damian(long pause): "that's very nasty, Linda. very nasty." %% From: linda Not at all. I merely stated that i disagree with your point of view (point of hearing? :) Truly we share but a miniscule fragment of the same reality. :) From: roddi At least you're right about the last line - it's just that we're always trying to push the other off our small island of sanity. Probably because there isn't enough room for both of us :-) %% Justin: Insinkerator! Crime does not pay! GHHHHGGHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHKKKKK Refridgerator! Freeze! I've got you on ice! Ka-CHUNK Ka-CHUNK Inhalor! SNIFFFFF! Gazooks! My arch-enemy, the evil DR STINKY! %% Damian: < going on about how spiffy the Jordan formula (you know the one) is > with this flash jordan formula we can now calculate ... < blah blah, continues with lecture > Roddi: < 30 seconds pass > Flash Jordan? < Damian, Roddi and class all pause, and look uneasily at eachother. Even though unintentional, a silence should be observed for jokes this bad > Damian: < resumes talking where he left off > %% Justin: I'll handle this. Justin: Move along. There's nothing to see - it's over. -- Good to see that chivalry is not dead, Spiff. %% >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Polymer physicists are into chains. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>That was a real DOG of a joke. Whip-it! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Arf arf arf. It'll terrier apart >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>A SPOT of humour there. A truly shit-su-ful joke. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>You can be fo-rover grateful. She-perd good money for it. >>>>>>>>>>>>>Af-ghan out. Bark in a minute. >>>>>>>>>>>>You've gone to give Kay Nine have you? >>>>>>>>>>>>Ow I caught my fingers in the labra- door >>>>>>>>>>>Nooooooooooowwwwwww Karl, you know that was mut arf funny. >>>>>>>>>>>That was a woof-ul joke. >>>>>>>>>>I was counting it as a grow-ling success >>>>>>>>>That joke will hound you to the grave. >>>>>>>>>Close the labra door on the way out. >>>>>>>>I have this Basker ville of Puppys - howl's that? >>>>>>>I'll say 'shun. >>>>>>>I'm having a ruff time of it. >>>>>>I think you're barking up the wrong tree in a rather Paw attempt at >>>>>>humor ;) >>>>>Its enough to make you cry... chi waah waah... >>>>>As Roddi says... Yap yap yap, I'll be there. >>>>Well I don't know the InS'n'out's of it, but the sub claws says >>>>I'll be there too >>>Karl nose best. So tail me about it. >>You'll go fur that way. I thought it was really woof-ful >Karl and some of his more Trusty jokes. [From Jax and Karl... the mad punsters] %% }>}>}Frankly I'm not Cher. }>}>Well sonny, what can I say?? }>}Nothing, just beam at me. }>Laser? }Not - she won't let me. Why don't Jamaica. - Karl and Mick Pope on Geography %% }>}>}>}>Indeed, we can build our own. }>}>}>}An amphitheatre would be nice. }>}>}>Perhaps a voltitheatre. }>}>}It would be a very current idea. }>}>There might be some resistance to the idea. }>}I have a big capacitance for overcoming this. }>We should get a charge out of doing it. }I'd be shocked if we did. It could be somewhere we could feel at ohm. - Karl and Mick Pope on Electricity %% }>}>}>}>}Better than a lyre. }>}>}>}>That is such bass humour. }>}>}>}How very clef'fer to pick that up. }>}>}>And clever of you to note that. }>}>}If only I could staff off the inevitable follow on. }>}>I quaver at the thought. }>}Bar humbug. }>This punning has reached a large scale. }I treble at the thought of whats to come. Tremelo? - Karl and Mick Pope on Music %% }>}>}All except for the sub-claws. }>}>Don't get crabby! }>}Just rock on from the delta to the dm sea. }I think I lobster and I never found her. Crayzy. - Karl and Mick Pope on fish %% Karl, no problems. The Blackadder episode you found is pure genius. I worship the ground you walk on. NOTE: I did not say I worshipped you, just a lot of carpet, wood, concrete, asphelt(?), mud, grass, etc. etc. Patrick %% ULTRIX V4.2A (Rev. 47) System #2: Wed Jun 3 15:22:12 EST 1992 UWS V4.2A (Rev. 420) ***** UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS PROHIBITED ***** [1] 229 230 Unknown user: adm. [1] Done echo SU: tym @ `date` | Exit 1 tee /dev/console >> ~adm/messages -- Computer Science security at work. %% +-------------+ | ___ | | (o o) | +-ooO-(_)-Ooo-+ -- From Simon Carter (vort@yoyo) sig. %% After months of nagging from Daz, the following mesage is sent to kevin From: roddi Hello, Son. Where is the tutmarks (or whatever I now use to enter marks) executable on bruce (presumably) ? %% From /.cshrc on cs decstations (sourced by all users when nfs server is dead) default: # # crunch the peasants # echo "SU: ${user} @ `date`" | tee /dev/console >> ~adm/messages & unalias * breaksw endsw umask 027 setenv USER root set user=root %% so do you prefer first year to learn about halting problem, N-P completeness, nonprocedural algorithms etc... and min. knowledge about "digital logic". This kids will have to do introduction of computer system in the second xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxignore the last line. These students will have to do "Introduciton of Computer System" in the second semester together with the kids doing "Digital Logic - claimed to be 2nd year level". If nothing is to be done to the old syllabus, if i am not wrong, these kids will have to learn 3 different architecture !!!! . My opinion is, the lecture and the students have no choice. Our first year syllabus needs to be revised. -- Piat Na Lim %% Paul is frustrated. Give him a piece of biscuit. cheers\ piat\ %% ``Those who can do. Those who can't hand stimulate.'' -- ingrid %% "Even my bright students are thick" - Daz, after a particularly odious 1st year prac %% I am trying to find out the names of two students who respond to the following descriptions: Female, brown hair (about chin length), tan skin, wears glasses, medium built, hangs out with Male, tall, blond and generally non-descript and [name deleted] (or some such) -- not so tall, fair skin, brown hair. All three are royal pains, especially the girl. Does anybody recognize them? Thanks ---Ingrid %% It was a case like any other. I was just me, my trusty six shooter and the night. I had six slugs in me. One was lead, the others Bourbon. Tracer Bullet's the name. I'm a Private Eye, it says so on the door. I'd just completed a job for a dame. She wanted the low-down on some royal pains. The facts were sketchy at best but that's how I like 'em see. The door opens and in walks trouble, a brunette as usual. It was her. She wants results. I pause, draw deep on my cigarette and blow across the desk into her face. She isn't fazed. A tough broad. I tell her what I know. "[name deleted] , hangs out in room 209 at 9 on Tuesdays. He's got a record. Number 11111111. That's all I know" She slaps some money on the desk, I don't reach for it. "Money's cheap", I drawl. She picks up the dough and leaves. I never see her again. -- Justin Martin [in response to an Ingrid "have you seen this man" Question] %% ... and Cha-Hatz rose from the sea of Temp-Prates and climbed the mountain toward the light. He then said unto Con-Weh, "Forgive me, for I have been Tempted. Lead me into the promise land where I may look unto my class hierachy in peace." -- David Chatterton %% "Prince Andrew of Wales has just announced a proof of Newton's Last Format Theory. The theory, first postulated in Cambridge during the Middle Ages, states that there are no numbers greater than two! It was thought to be lost for all time because the piece of paper on which it was originally written had the margins torn off. Film at eleven...." -- Damian Conway %% Hmmm. There's something wrong with something ... -- Andy speculating on problems with his project code %% " .... he's a fountain of youth, er knowledge" -- Kevin Lentin (on John Hurst) %% % webster piat No definition for 'piat'. Maybe you mean: 1. pat 2. peat 3. pict 4. pint 5. pit 6. pita 7. plat 8. prat % webster peat Concise Oxford Dictionary, 8th Ed., Copyright 1991 Oxford Univ. Press /peat/ <> n.[Hort] 1. vegetable matter decomposed in water and partly carbonized, used for fuel, in horticulture, etc. 2. a cut piece of this. /peaty/ adj.{-ery and -reek omitted Jul88} ME f. AL peta, perh. f. Celt.: cf. /piece/ /peat/2 <> n. [archaic] [derog.] a person, esp. a woman ("proud peat"). 16th c.: orig. unkn. %% I thought I left kindergarten years ago - where are you andy ? - I'm ready to give you your prac back ! -- Daz, after a long day with Andy's 1st years. %% "Since there is no physically sampled data to compare the model's output to, the merit of physical models has been judged by purely subjective means. This normally takes the form of the researcher saying: 'Ooh-ahh, ooh-aah, that's a pretty picture, hey-now, hey-now, that'll get me into SIGGRAPH no probs, hey-now hey-now, hey-nonny-no" -- Roddi Walker, as his departmental seminar, August 1993 %% CSW: Well, actually I have a few questions ... Roddi: Can we cut this short? Can I start grovelling now, or should I just kill myself? -- Roddi Walker, as his departmental seminar, August 1993 %% From: roddi I am contemplating buying a horse with Ania :-) I need names: Ania leans towards "Fluffy", "Daisy", "Maybell" I favour "Bluthoof", "Widowmaker", "Odinsteed", "Slaughterhoof" %% If we're both calling it at the same time: Ania: "Fluffy! Here fluffy! Time to frolick through the meadows!" Roddi: "BLOODHOOF! I CALL YOU!" < unsheates longsword, points it at the heavens > *shriiinnng* "I CALL YOOOO, BY ODIN!" -- Roddi, on buying a horse with Ania %% Justin opines that there will be good and bad horses arguing on its right and left shoulders: Good Horse: I say we prance through the daffodils, spreading love and peace! Bad horse: I say we FEED ON HUMAN FLESH! REND! SHRED! GORGE! *CHOMP* *CHOMP* *CHOMP*! %% time ./unique_stats forest21 Pairwise difference average = (NaN,NaN,NaN) 21917.218u 148.017s 6:27:07.48 -89.-9% 78+89k 60+1io 117pf+0w -- One of GLen Pringle's less bodacious programming exploits. %% You're kidding! A room full of virile, athletic, intelligent, mainly single young men? There must be hot and cold running nymphs flitting in and out all the time! -- Damian Conway, on Rm 137. %% Andy : You've got me for two weeks, then you've got Matt Regan Class: What does _he_ look like ? Andy : I guess he's kind of "Conan the Computer Scientist". Who have you already had ? Class: Alan Dorin & Kevin "the Anti-Conan" %% anonymous person #1:"Spiders or Roddi...which is worse?" anonymous person #2:"well, it's a tough choice... but I think I'd prefer to supervise the spider..." %% I love to sack some demonstrators but we do not have enough staff tutors . Most academics told me that it is cheaper to give scholarship for postgraduate course and use them for tutoring. And some postgraduate complain to other academics that staff tutors are not spending enough hours with students and research ? -- Piat Na Lim %% We had 460 students in the beginning of the semester. I really pray hard that some of these kids are wise enough to drop the course. Infact this xxxxx sssdffff We had 430 students in the beginning of the semester. I really pray hard \that some of these kids are wise enough to drop the course. We have 370 students and I believe, the number will decrease by November. -- Piat Na Lim %% There were 3 possibilities for me: 1. Leave the job and continue full time studies with a scholarship 2. Stay with the job and scream so loud and be an idiot 3. Just do not trust men (ie. human) but just trust God. I have tried no 1 les wants me to continue, so I tried no 2. in the first semester and I really sounded like an idiot. Since, there were previous mail about God, I decided to concentrate on no. 3 -- Piat Na Lim %% Have a good holiday and hope that all the first year kids will be real "computer scientist" one day. Hurray !!!!!!!1 -- Piat Na Lim %% > Ofcourse God loves us. Infact God loves the world that he gave his one > and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have > eternal life. The verdict is: Light has come into the world, but men > loved darkness because light will dispose their deeds. Which of the gods are you referring to Piat? I presume it is the christian one so prevelant in our society. I'm sure virtually everyone in our society has heard this litany before. To repeat it here is totally inappropriate; this mailing list is for discussion of problems and issues arising from 1st year tutoring. Since god is not a first year tutor and is unable to contribute to this discussion directly I feel that reference to her is unjustified. -- Geoff Wong (in response to piat) %% Really Piat - I don't think god cares about what students do at Monash University (she doesn't even bother to stop all the wars happening at the moment) as long as they worship regularly :-) Does this also mean the Women aren't liars? -- Geoff Wong (in response to piat) %% Faith is an anathema to science. Science is about not accepting dogma, it is about collating, observing and repeating, it is about "proof". Faith is about simply believing what you're told - totally unacceptable when dealing with the teaching and persuit of science. Having faith will not solve the problem of cheating. -- Geoff Wong (in response to piat) %% As far as I can tell (and according to a variety of english versions of the bible) god only really loves those who worship him; the rest of the populous are condemned to an eternity of suffering. Unless of course the rest of the populous are right about their gods. But who knows? While I believe religious freedom is a basic human right this is not the appropriate place for discussion about it. I for one am sick of hearing the continual "advertising" bombardment of christianity so could people please refrain from such references in future and address the problems in a more direct and "scientific" manner. -- Geoff Wong (in response to piat) %% Ofcourse God loves us. Infact God loves the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. The verdict is: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness because light will dispose their deeds. -- Piat Na Lim %% What's new about students copying and cheating ? They are men aren't they? Men are liars. If you wish to put a stop to copying, don't forget to seek God. For He is the only truth and have the power to change people. Just pray to God to change these kids. -- Piat Na Lim %% In the past, I was a real fool to use my own judgement and power to control them and others. I am learning everyday to rely on the most powerful i.e God to control. -- Piat Na Lim %% Plaw like to be Paul and I claim your desire in Jesus name. Just have faith, for I believe those who cheated will eventually fail. They may not knock out this exam, but trust God, they will be knock out when they go to second year. -- Piat Na Lim %% God not only loves you but bless you too. Have a good 2 weeks break. -- Piat Na Lim %% If that was brown, it would be brown -- Kevin Lentin, regarding the colour of a sun3 memory test %% Oh Darren boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling, For ye to send, those header files to me. For when ye do, my test suite will compile Oh Darren boy, Oh Darren boy, where have ye gone ? -- Andrew Davison, to Darren Platt during the top secret Xenix wars. %% Ok - I'll let you off just this once, but if I ever catch you working above and beyond stupidity again - it will be a completely different matter .... - Daz, after catching Andy working during the infamous Xenix wars. %% And he said: When you've had 10 years' experience, you'll understand. And I said: I have And he said: ...That's what he said! -- Andy - During a secret Xenix argument. %% The Davison/Platt method: +-------+ +-+ | | +-+ Data in ->| | --> |Process| --> | | -> Data out +-+ | | +-+ +-------+ The secret XENIX way (as described by Andy, on theWhiteBoard in theOffice): +--+ | | <--- WAR +--+ +--+ | | <--- FAMINE +--+ +--+ | | <--- DISEASE +--+ +--+ | | <--- DEATH +--+ -- Another shot in the ever continuing secret Xenix wars. %% Yeah - approaching D-Days for you guys :-) Just pile out of the landing craft, splash onto the beach and try to make it to the forest line - don't worry too much about the machine gun nests, falling artillery, planes strafing the ground and the fact that your friends are dying like flies. I'm SURE you'll make it :-) --Roddi, about the day the honours projects are due %% "that's a good stapler!" --Brett, in tones of wonderment, staring at a hole in his thumb. %% "The real assessment comes in the interviews, or when we are in Edinburgh, presenting "A self generating temporal difference neural tree which experiences deja vu" (Eastwood, Doig, Spot 1995)." -- Andrew Doig: (in discussion about comm. skills). %% From: X [To: Y] just for historical perspective, when Z asked me out for the first time, he called on a Friday at 9 pm (definite no no for any self respecting girl), and when I told him I already had a date, he told me to break it. Well, no prizes for guessing what Z did that Friday night! Message 3: Tue Sep 28 10:53:50 (read) From: Y [To: X] Stayed home for the evening ? prize or no prize I had to guess. Message 1: Tue Sep 28 10:54:05 (read) From: Y [To: X] :-) %% Bicentennial special - a word from our sponsors - "That's the best $0 we ever spent on a project - congratulations", VEDC "Bloody pluto - why can't you run it elsewhere ?" anon. And now back to our regular program .... From: daz [To: kevin] You would be amazed the number of things which break when you tell the code that there are no errors in the data - normal distributions develop annorexia, averages start scratching their heads whilst trying to determine the average of zero and zero - assertions start exploding - that's what I like to see - code which is allergic to clinical problems. %% I got Peter Gabriels latest album (US - it's been out for about 6 months) it has that great song "Digging in the dirt" on it - I've been inspired - I dug deep into my project code today - found a massive memory leak - well not so much a memory leak as a memory armed hold up - and I cleaned up a lot of hard coded numeric parameters - the results are striking - the greedy approach used to just out perform the correct solution - it now clobbers it by several orders of magnitude - which is a pity, b/c the cleanup was supposed to produce the exact opposite. -- Daz - the PhD days. %% Is Karen really that short? -- Daz, pondering the back of theOffice(tm) door. %% Did Charlie Manson ever have a run-in with TurdPerfect? wouldn't be surprised. -- Student being counselled by daz over homicidal tendencies. %% dibbler plus - your one stop software shop. -- Andy discovers the easy way to locate good software. %% Students quite loquacious Wrote a program most bodacious Goofey it's name, Hacker jargon insane, And the fortunes it spat were outrageous. -- limerick on the male toilet wall comp sci - circa 1991-93 %% From: kevin [To: andy chatz daz linda roddi tym] Kev's students ponder his login prompt: 16:24 molly(1) ~> They type: howdy No dice. Linda walks in bearing tea. Helen (a first year): Is that molly? Kev: Nope, that's not molly, it's Linda. Robert (another 1st): Kev, you stud! Where can _I_ get a Linda? %% Persistent programming might not be common place - but we have had persistent bug technology for years - I'm using it right now in the comfort of my bedroom. -- Daz - trying to write a multi user database %% Andy, after organising his filing cabinet: "Alright! Now I can actually file some stuff! ... No, I'd better not file it, otherwise I'll never look at it again." %% In the other buildings, you can stay after midnight as now. Also note that no-one is permitted to sleep in the buildings (except during seminars?) :-) -- Les Goldschlager %% Got this back from Lloyd after trying to email him a minute ago... // // Your email has not been delivered, read or kept, // dec31 email is on strike, please try again tomorrow. // -- Lloyd gets serious about this striking business %% dibbler: 1. (n) Small carnivorous marsupial mammal from western Australia, known for its sexual exploits - it can copulate for up to two hours at a time. No wonder it's nearly extinct. 2. (n) Stick used for making furroughs whilst gardening. 3. (n) One who puts his head down holes. %% **&(%&^*% &*^&^ - stupid broken machine, the entire single processor architecture is RIDICULOUS ! -- Andrew Doig - training neural net %% Every morning I get in here and edit my path manually, my cshrc reverts back to what it used to look like, I have to put khorus back on my path. My setup is *completely* stuffed ... grumble grumble gripe - andy starts breaking innocent defenceless polystyrene .... loud crashing sound effects. It does it every *f***ing* time - it gives me the shits .. Daz - put something in my cshrc file - I bet you tomorrow morning it's gone. -- Andy - the MWM years %% Found in andy's .logout file: cp .cshrc-bak .cshrc (see previous fortune). -- Andy - the MWM years %% It looks like the Revlon counter at Myer -- Roddi - Inspecting Andy's MWM setup %% (ps - there have been complaints that my mail isn't reaching everybody - if you have a friend who missed out - please give them a copy - I naively group replied to the mail assuming that everyone was on the list and that my mailer was sufficiently well written to therefore get it to everybody - my stupidity never ceases to amaze me). -- daz - style council %% There are all sorts of attendant problems/questions - like "What constitutes an intelligent observer ?" - the Copenhagen interpretation (? - it's been a while) said that maybe the universe doesn't decide the outcome so much as split into two parallel universes. Of course, there are a lot of quantum events, so there would be a mind-boggling (what an appropriate phrase) number of such universes. So, somewhere out there, there may just be a parallel universe in which the student you failed, really passed - so don't feel so bad, -- Darren Platt, after a particularly gruelling tutors meeting. %% Linda: So, Andy, when are you and Julia getting married? Andy: Well, we've come up with a plan...everytime someone asks us we set it back another six months. %% From comp.sources.bugs: Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1993 20:15:58 GMT Term 1.0.7 harbors an integer overflow bug in its time update routine. Because of the bug the code stopped working effective today, and will start working again in approximately three years (!). -- Kev discovers why Daz's modem link just stopped working. %% (gdb) Error creating record when numActive==0 and iters = 0 123 mr.perror("Reason "); (gdb) Reason : Range Error. 124 abort(); (gdb) p mr.ok Bus error (core dumped) -- just a typical day's work (daz) %% You're a persistent bastard aren't you Walker ? -- dude with English accent from Cliff Hanger. %% I was going to go with the plunging bustline, but my mother said that wasn't appropriate for someones 60th birthday. -- Angela Carbone. (on the departmental 25th/csw's 60th) %% Offending Command = 134 Error = nameType : VMerror you have used up all the printer's memory Stack = 2 -- Tym attempts to start some work. %% Andy: Anyone know what the comment character is ? Daz : - "quote quote - " .. races for the local fortune database Andy: "You're actually right - it is a quote." -- Andy does Visual Basic. %% A simple change in a certain program's output causes a slight alias revision. alias old 'f -l `f -W | sed "s/ /,/g"`' alias new 'f -l `f -W | sed "H;s/.*//;"'"'"'$'"'"'"{;g;s/[\n *][\n *]*/,/g;}"`' alias new1 'f -l `f -W | sed '"'"'H;s/.*//;${;g;s/[\n *][\n *]*/,/g;}'"'"'`' alias new2 'f -l `f -W | sed '"'"'H;s/.*//;${;g;s/[\n *]\{1,\}/,/g;}'"'"'`' -- Tym finally wins a battle with sed and csh. %% Let's FANG -- Jeff Bray discovering the thrill of esquestrian pursuits %% "I met two dudes there - one was like Kevin, the other was really cool" -- Ania opens her mouth too wide %% "I'll never laugh at your boots again" -- Daz to Roddi , draining the water out of his boots %% Kevin you mongrel, you haven't parsed out the space. How the hell did you .... that up? Later, back at the ranch: You moron kevin, he's done a yygettosemi. -- Andy with debugger in hand finds an unwanted char 32 (ascii) %% Take me. I'm free! -- Linda offers her services to Chatz %% Gee it's hot in the water bucket. -- Our resident meterologist Andy explores weather conditions. %% 'No' doesn't mean 'No' in a sans-serif font. Kev to Daz in the union building over lunch, trying to decide the appropriate way to evaluate andy's "no no yeah". Did he mean yes or no ? Total number of times stated ? Total of ascii value for characters ? Average asciii value per character (ebcdic?) NUMBER OF PIXELS TURNED ON IN THE POSTSCRIPT RENDERING !! Which font though ? Hence kevin's comment. -- The wasted years. %% Microsoft have recently moved towards fee based customer support - you can now buy a "10 incident pack" which covers you for detailed support in your 10 next little disasters you decide to partake it. "Don't worry, you still have 8 incidents left in your pack andy", -- Daz to Andy, after explaining to andy why chmod +w on /tmp as root leaves the file permission as rw-r--r-- and not rw-rw-rw (He got his money's worth) %% Hello, is that digital equipment corporation ? - I've just had a massively parallel incident, and would like someone to clean it up. -- Daz after a particularly spectacular day with the university maspar medusa. (see previous fortune) %% goofey -s jamie > What do you do when the mail spool on bruce fills up yet > again ? - do you mail your local sysadmin and ask for it to be fixed ? > No - you goofey them. Some mail to julie@bruce bounced due a full mail > spool on bruce. No hurry - other people's mail is getting returned, but > mine is arriving on a filesystem which has free space kept on it. > Ta, User 'jamie' not found! Their away message is: Looks like I'm NOT logged into goofey, right? So, if you need to get in touch with me, drop mail at: -------------------------------- jamie@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au -------------------------------- And I'll get back to you next time I log in! -- The taste of irony. %% Engagements are sexist - guys have to buy you a ring which they can't afford - and it doesn't match your jeans. It's a stupid thing, I'm not in favour of it. -- I. Zukerman. %% Karen looks really good in the kitchen - like she belongs there -- Mick McGaughey on the Departmental Retreat, 1993. %% Numbers .. sorted alphabetically. -- anonymous comp. sci. HOD. %% I know about procastrinating (a cow to type), last week it came to cleaning the snails out of the letter box. -- I. Zukerman. %% Nightmare on gcc street continues .... Part 2.5.6 - Freddie is back and the nightmare is multiplied ! The prototypes are loose and the extern "C" construct is running amok. Not to be missed. -- Compiler week, Monash 1993. %% You could consider MacDonalds to be the leaders in the field of sensible naming conventions to avoid name space clashes really. -- daz, upon observing 'McDriveThrough'. %% "I'm such a drama queen.", "It's about time I was immortalised in a forune isn't it ?" -- Kona. MacPhee - part time goofey user. %% Andy: There's no reason why you can't be a pacifist in DOOM. Linda: HOW ! Andy: Ok - so you wouldn't last too long, but you'd die 5 seconds later in a pool of blood knowing you'd done the right thing. -- Pre christmas conversation in the office. %% I know all about that - toss a coin and see if your heart (or whatever other designated organ/part of your anatomy you associate with the emotional part of your brain) agrees with the outcome, or is disappointed. Failing that ,more conventional techniques which attempt to assess the pros/cons/risks/ rewards, probabilitites of each outcome etc, can be used to make a rational decision. I'm not sure that a rational decision is called for here however. -- daz gets involved in someone elses decision making processes. %% Application 'unknown' exited unexpectedly with an error of type 1 (At least you get a core dump under unix) -- Kev feels the sharp end of the Mac's 'intuitive' desktop paradigm. %% There's something funny going on with donald. He's telling me it's christmas (laughter all around). That's not so strange, I wasn't here when christmas happened - but why today and not yesterday ? -- Kevin on the 3rd of Jan 1994. %% PID USERNAME PRI NICE SIZE RES STATE TIME WCPU CPU COMMAND 1119 dld 102 19 36K 136K run 1212:18 84.88% 84.77% yes -- misc top output on dibbler. %% Ricky: If it rains next Saturday (his wedding day) I'll be rather pissed at your God! GLen: But you don't believe in him. Ricky: That won't stop me being pissed at him. %% Glen: You have to remember that Jewish society is matriarchal Ricky: Well, yes, looking at my Boss, I can understand that. %% Glen: It seems obvious to me. Linda: Yup, I think it's pretty straightforward. Ricky: Yeah, you would! you're all curvy - not a straight line anywhere! %% Linda: It's flatter than that one. Glen: I'd say that one's pretty flat! Ricky: Yes, but she's a woman - they're kinda lumpy. %% Linda: I don't have a pen. it's ok - I can remember them. Ricky: Oh, so it will be bitterly twisted before it makes it to the fortune files, then! %% Linda (to Ricky): Well, if I'd known [you were going to pay] I'd have eaten more! %% Linda: Let me pay! Ricky (suggestively) : Well, we can barter, Linda... Glen: That's the whole point of the guy paying for the meal, isn't it? Ricky (long pause): On the other hand, you can have yours free, Glen. %% Ricky (to Linda): Glen, being somewhat separate in these matters, can sit whereever he likes, but i want _you_ within arm's reach. %% Ricky: This strikes me as a reasonable position, 'cos she can't run away...Careful, Linda, or I'll lie down. Glen: Is that a promise? Ricky: I don't know, Glen. Why are _you_ interested? %% Ricky: I don't want to squish the girl _just_ yet. %% Ricky: I'm confident I can take you both on. Linda: Oh, I think we could give you bit of trouble. Ricky: i've got an advantage in that I can use you against Glen. Glen: How? Ricky: Wrap one arm around her waist, prod her a bit - it won't really tickle, but it'll get her flailing around a lot - and then point her at you. %% bool empty(void) const { return (bool)(data != 0); } -- Even the mighty fall sometimes - and they often fall hard. %% ANNOUNCEMENT : The Roddi Walker Centre for Excellence in Communication Skills Ladies and Gentlemen, It is _indeed_ an honour to be here at such a momentous occasion. It has been some time in the making, but the Roddi Walker Centre for Excellence in Communication Skills is at last ready to commence its teachings. Many have doubted the work of Lord Walker, calling him eccentric in his taste for boots and outdoor activities. Yet, despite the global lack of confidence, Lord Walker rose above his critics in the face of financial ruin, forsaking several potentially invigorating weekend equestrian jaunts, to establish this Centre, from which I'm sure the community will benefit greatly. Now, before I officially declare this institution open for business, I believe Lord Walker has something to say - he comes to us live via satellite from a remote South American country where he is being treated for a variety of potentially fatal ailments which prevent him from being here today. I give you, Lord Walker... Message 3: Wed Jan 5 19:25:23 (read) From: roddi [To: andy] Yeah, I have problem ... just the other day I needed tgoob (to get out of bed) and eb - and still have time to gitu and Npghnyyl gurer ner frireny qvssrerag Obfgba nppragf. Ybpnyyl, gurl ner ersreerq gb ol qvssrerag nernf (r.t, n Qbepurfgre be Ebkohel npprag, n Fbhguvr npprag, Ornpba Uvyy/Onpx Onl), ohg va trareny frrzrq gb zr gb or zber pynff-bevragrq. Gur genqvgvba Unu-ihq npprag jnf zbfg pybfryl nffbpvngrq jvgu gur Ornpba Uvyy npprag. -- Andy taking the Mickey out of Roddi. %% I presume that using 90+ cols is some form of revenge for the Parser class code? damian :-) -- Damian in response to daz's 90+ column style council submission. %% From: ricky [To: daz] (around 10 am) Morning (actually I've been up for a while... :-) From: daz [To: ricky] metamorphosis (n): The process or result of giving a different form of appearance. From: ricky [To: daz] You leap to conclusions too quickly my friend, I _have_ been up for a while, since ~10am _yesterday_ in fact..... -- Ricky, 3 days (PM) prior to matrimony. %% Chatz: You have decided to chop your legs off and exist at more human altitudes? Linda: *chuckle* nope. better than that. :) Chatz: No? Have you decided to cut off all your hair so that when you bush people mistake you for Sinead O'Connor? Chatz: busk I mean ;) Linda: *chortle* nope. better, even that thaat. :) -- Linda being cagey just after being informed about her scholarship. %% Chatz: You have decided to have your left breast removed so that you can become a true Amazon? Linda: *sigh* nope. not that either. (thought I'd escaped that joke when i left halls!) Chatz: You have decieded that Trevor should father your secret love child and he agreed? Linda: *gag* Chatz: *crunch* (Sound of Chatz pulling himsaelf up off the floor) You have established a telepathic link with your Macintosh and you can't sense anything? -- Linda being cagey just after being informed about her scholarship. %% Linda: you're silly! you know that? are you trying to goad me into telling you what I'm so happy about? Chatz: You discovered the instruction to send to the 68030 that causes it to self-distruct? Who me? Chatz: Could this be my first entry into the local fortune database? Linda: quite possibly! -- Linda being cagey just after being informed about her scholarship. [ED - chatz first appears in the local fortunes at entry 230.] %% -lefence : Funny, didn't know pachyderms could have polarity... Read it out loud - first the switch then the lib name... Get it? -- Kona's bizarre sense of humour discovers the electric fence library. %% From: kevin [To: daz] My congratualtions. A truely cunning plan. I happened to be in Ingrid's office when the flowers arrived. Worked very well! She's VERY confused. I kept on saying ' I know nothing ', yet I made a comment about the 4 o'clock making sense, which just through her even more. Very well done.The confused look on her face when she saw the card is worth remembering :-) I think you should put her out of her misery soon though! -- daz sends Ingrid flowers. %% 14:08 pi07(9) ~ 201> passwd kevinl passwd: kevinl does not exist 14:08 pi07(9) ~ 202> whoami kevinl -- Kev plays with the SGI's %% From: jasmine [To: daz] Was goofey your project? -- Daz chats with a goofey user about his research career. %% Just so that you (and Kona) know I didn't escape unscathed, I sustained the following injuries: | | | a | | | | | | | b | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ / \ / | | | | where a == prick from grass seed b == scratch from twig Just know that I have your (and Kona's) sympathy makes this trying time easier for me to endure :-) -- roddi salving his conscience regarding the injuries kona sustained. (we can't show you a diagram of kona's injuries unfortunately) %% As for the car photo - show who you want, but DON'T tell them who was driving - or at least in no more detail than "You may want to talk to Roddi about that". I want to have a little fun stringing them along as well. Who knows, after an appropriate number of outrageous excuses I may actually tell them the truth! -- roddi, not suspecting he may get inadvertantly quoted %% Anything you say can (and will) be inserted into the local fortune file. -- daz %% Roddi: RAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! Cbetts: The mighty roar of the Roddisaurus shatters the Jurrassic night. Huddled in their caves, primitives savages shudder, for they know the mighty hunter is abroad .... -- Roddi, after a tough time with his code %% From: spiff [To: roddi] Slleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepp..gnk......nup.. .......nup..........nnnnnnnzzzzzzzlllmmmmmmmmmmm....................zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz From: roddi [To: spiff] DISCIPLINE! From: spiff [To: roddi] Bwah!!.....sluuuuuuurrrrrp...........blink...blink....scratch.........mmmmmm. ......num-num-num-num.................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz -- (editor) who says the greeks had a monopoly on tragedy. %% From: roddi [To: andy] Ha! From: andy [To: roddi] Ha! -- Kids will play (see following forts) %% From: roddi [To: andy] < Rohdi-san deftly blocks Devi-san's overhand chop with the Wall of Stone > Keeeeeee-YAH! From: andy [To: roddi] Devi-san ducks and weaves, and smashes Rohdi-san with the Hammer or Iron. I see your Ha!'s and raise you Ha! (see prev and following forts) -- Kid's still playing %% From: roddi [To: andy] Rohdi-san assumes his astral form, becoming the Fiery Phoenix, letting Devi-san's Hammer of Iron pass through harmlessly. He then rakes the unsuspecting Devi-san with his Talons of Flame. "I see your "Ha!"'s and raise you a "Hai!" -- The Ha wars - see prev forts. %% From: roddi [To: ofi] I wonder that the Sobol language spec was like: 5.6.2 _Pointer memory_ (i) The first 5 bytes of all pointers are explicitly reserved for the storage of small, global strings :-) (One of Ofi's better programming efforts in Hons) From: ofi [To: roddi] You forgot - 5.6.3 _Memory Acceptance_ (i) All machines that follow the guidelines in 5.6.2 are ofi-compliant machines. (ii) Machines that fail this requirement have not be fully tested/debugged sufficiently for such rigorous usages. -- tsk tsk tsk %% Ofi doesn't sound incoherent - once you realise what you're listing to is a cross-referenced brain-dump of a grep on everything you've said -- Roddi, on Ofi, during one his more lucid moments %% Ofi: Hi, I'm Offier. Roddi: From the Latin "ofi": dull or oaf-like. -- Roddi, on Ofi, introducing himself %% HOORAH!!!!! It's midnight, my uni computer says it's midnight, my cron job plays bigben so it's midnight, my linux clock says it' s midnight, and (wait for it...) muy CMOS clock says it's midnight!!! It's a bleeeeedin mira-bloody-cle. all clocks keep the same time. No more double speed CMOS for me. No more random 11 minute time resets. Life is once again peaceful in the house of Lentin. -- good to hear of something going kev's way %% Ingrid, I'll sit on the fence on this one, and maybe get back to you later in the event that I should form an opinion :-) . -- David Dowe answers one of Ingrid's "harmless surveys" %% cc -O -Wf-XNh2000 -Olimit 2000 -I/usr/include -c fvwm.c -o fvwm.o ccom: Warning: ./misc.h line 104: "const" not yet implemented extern void MakeMenus(const char*, char*); --------------------------------------^ -- DEC demonstrate the latest in compiler technology. %% Login name: kona In real life: Kona Macphee Directory: /dibbler0/hon/kona Shell: /usr/local/bin/tcsh Last login Tue Mar 1 13:16 on ttyq4 from dibbler.cs.monas No unread mail Project: Exciting algorithms for constructing genetic jigsaw puzzles. Plan: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, PROGRAM NO EVIL. -- Kona copies more than she bargained for from daz's dibbler directory. %% From: kevin [To: andy] It read: Dear ___Kevin_____ [But I suppose you could go too] You are cordially [wow, cordial!] invited to celebrate [yay] the engagement [need call waiting] of Katrina [who?] and David [who?] [I think they mean Kate and Chatz] on Saturday January 22nd [That'd be today] at 8pm. [That'd be later] 60 Elton [John?] Road, Ferntree Gully [down the end and turn right] R.S.V.P [Remeber Se Vedding Present] January 15th [oops, missed] 763 4737 -- Andy lost his invite. Kev helped out. %% "It's like marrying an aircraft carrier!" -- Ricky, on his wedding day (discussing the train on Kate's dress) %% "We'd like to thank the Mercedes drivers, who are no longer with us..." (pause while he absorbs the full impact of what he's just said) "Hopefully the Mercedes weren't scratched..." -- Ricky, thanking everyone during the speeches: %% Yeah - uh- oh- the _CD_ ! Oh, That thing - yes I knew you wanted it. Even had it. You'd be talking about the _Borland_ CD, wouldn't you. The one for Dos, yeah. I know the one. Blue docs and all. Pretty round disk it comes on too. When you hold it up to the sun, it changes into all sorts of colors ! Funny thing is that when you put it in a CD player, nothing happens ! Are you _sure_ that's the one you want ? Absolutely ?;..... -- Borland finally start getting to Andy. %% No F****ing way, boyo. No way. No way. No way. Ah uh. Nope. Niet (sp). Zippo chance of that sonny. Snowballs' chance in hell to be more precise. snowballs chance in Victoria even... -- Andy on suggestions from daz that the new Object Windows Library 2.0 was sufficiently defended against attempts to upgrade 1.0 code so as to cause him to rewrite the cycspec interface from scratch in VB. %% From: kevin [To: chatz] You coming in today? -- 1st in a series of 10. Chatz agonizes over lunch... %% From: chatz [To: kevin] Yep, fixed it. No, I'm in tomorrow though - bit quiet is it? -- 2nd in a series of 10. Chatz agonizes over lunch... %% From: kevin [To: chatz] NOT COMING IN? But it's a very special day. The first real wednesday of the year and you're going to miss it -- 3rd in a series of 10. Chatz agonizes over lunch... %% From: chatz [To: kevin] A twitch appears above chatz's left eye, his stomach seems to lurch up and throttle his larynx, his hand reaches for the car keys.... ....No I must resist....got to save money, eat toasted sandwiches here... ....Mustnot give in to....LEMON CHICKEN....worse than that.... ....LEMON CHICKEN, LUV!!!.....AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! Whoa, that was close....what's that smell? -- 4th in a series of 10. Chatz agonizes over lunch... %% From: daz [To: chatz] I'm giving up baked beans to eat the LCL -- 5th in a series of 10. Chatz agonizes over lunch... %% From: chatz [To: daz kevin] THat doesn't help me daz, I'm finding it hard to come up with excuses -- 6th in a series of 10. Chatz agonizes over lunch... %% From: chatz [To: daz kevin] I'm coming in, and I'm never going to forgive you! ;) -- 7th in a series of 10. Chatz agonizes over lunch... %% From: kevin [To: chatz] But what if there isn't any? -- 8th in a series of 10. Chatz agonizes over lunch... %% From: daz [To: chatz] Don't do it !!!! -- 9th in a series of 10. Chatz agonizes over lunch... %% From: chatz [To: daz kevin] Arrgghhh!!! -- 10th in a series of 10. The lunch agony climaxes. %% > Date: Wed, 16 Feb 94 14:55:19 +1100 > From: damian@bruce.cs.monash.EDU.AU (Damian Conway) > To: lindap@bruce.cs.monash.EDU.AU (Linda Penington) > Subject: Re: TOR - better late than never, maybe? > > Yr nt lt t ll. Y'r nly th 4th cntrbtr. > > Mr mprtntly, dn't vn hv tm t typ vwls, lt ln > rgnz th Styl Gd. Bt, 'll b gttng n wth t "rl sn nw" :-) > > dmn -- Translation available by request. %% From: ricky [To: daz] Spelling mistake in local fortune 279 - 'listening' :-) -- Fortune beta testing continues... %% From: daz [To: andy chatz glen ingrid kevin tym] Programs are not being good to me today, and to make things worse (they obviously don't know it's my birfday) a program which was producing superior results (the subject of a paper in fact), just starts producing utter rubbish - couldn't do worse if it tried - aha - quick look at the objective function - sign around the wrong way - scream half an hour of sparc bashing just to get the worst possible answer, make my birthday punk. -- Happy Birthday Darren. %% Gnu String class: (The 32K weakling) ------------------------- String Error: Requested length out of range IOT trap (core dumped) LEDA (Library of Efficient Data structures and Algorithms ------------------------- Segmentation fault (core dumped) (took less than 2 seconds to do this mind you). Chatz's DC library ------------------------- To its credit, it might have got there if we let it run long enough. -- The tendering process for the job to load daz'z 2meg DNA string continues. %% He he he he: char buffer[2000001]; file1.read(buffer,2000000); -- a winner is found (see previous fortune) %% Hey - great advertising jingle - Where, where, where would you be without g d b... (with apologies to that rather awful male toiletry product) -- Work starts to get to Kona. %% Roddi just came out with a quote that I think deserves to be included....,. Sitting, contemplating his PhD.... "God I'm bored..........what's the phone number for the time again?" -- the seconds are ticking away .... .... .... .... %% Can't believe I'm getting old enough to say "I remember..." :-( -- Damian contemplating life before C++. %% Kev: You were the one pushing Andy: You were the one pulling ! Kev: The plug and the ethernet cable parted company. -- kev and andy (after running down a 240 v cable half an hour earlier with a runaway bookcase) %% InsinkeraTOR! Crime does not pay! GHHHHGGHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHKKKKK RefridgeraTOR! Freeze! I've got you on ice! Ka-CHUNK Ka-CHUNK InhaLOR! SNIFFFFF! Gazooks! My arch-enemy, the evil DR STINKY! -- Justin ponders why so many superhero names end in "or". %% Damian: But the amazing thing is, the world manages to do it in real time Steve: How do we know? -- From a Geometric Modelling lecture, 1991: %% Anne: (Roddi's riding instructor): "Well, Roddi, you know enough to move on from Ernie", (great name for a horse - how can you possibly feel threatened by a horse with a name like Ernie? Great name - right up there with Bert and Ned). "We're thinking of putting you on Vengeance or Wild Thing next". Roddi: < Not a little disturbed by this > "Um, can I call him Ernie anyway, just to feel better?" Anne: "Ooooh, I wouldn't call him that ... he HATES being called that ... He ET the last person who called him that". Roddi: < thinks: Great, now I'm riding a carnivore > "Why don't you just give me Widow Maker and be done with it?" But the story does have a happy ending - as a compromise I ended up with Blue (sp?), a white horse. They assure me he was in fact blue before he turned white - presumably he was left out in the rain and ran (ha ha). Mind you, he bolted for the nearest tree with sufficiently low branches the moment he got into the first wooded paddock. Before I ride him again, I think I'll enquire more closely into the spelling of his name - I suspect it is "Blew" as in "Blew Up" - probably sired by Explosion and Inferno knowing my luck. -- Roddi's equestrian talents never cease. %% Roddi: Lippman and Booch. Actually, Dave Chatterton's got Booch. < (very) brief pause as Roddi (unsuccessfully) fights the temptation to needlessly be a BASTARD > So if you get it back singed and covered in pentagrams, YOU'LL KNOW HE'S BEEN DEBUGGING HIS CODE -- Damian in search of his lost books. %% deafeated by own anger consider the lotus - so fragile, yet it's beauty endures pheonix rising from ashes a mountain cannot hold two tigers even the fluttering wings of the butterfly may start the tornado -- Justin saying "How ya doin'?" to pidgeon %% From: andy Hippy Blirtdai tu yu Jippy Blirtdai tu yu Hippy Blirtdai tu Ro-deh-san Hippy Blirtdai tu yu. From: roddi Hai, Devi-san! I see the passing of the lotus in full bloom does not pass unnoticed ;-> ^ Only one slanty eye, but I try my best :-) -- Years pass by for the booted one. %% > Please keep your lines below 80 columns. Preferably below 75, to allow for > replies with "> " prepended to each line. Oops - I forgot I had resized my window to > 80 cols. It looked fine when I typed it. If you're stuck with a terminal that can only do 80 cols ... well ... that probably means you're not very important :-) -- Roddi finally explains how things work around here. %% AHAH!!! No, actually, you're wrong, it was the comment that came just after that - "If you and Andrew don't get married, there's always Computer Science. As a department." Come to think of it, that may have been part of a different conversation, but it certainly got you attacked. Justifiably, i fear. -- Linda explains things to Roddi. %% Her grip on reality is like an Indiana Jones rope-bridge creaking ominously under the slight weight of her understanding -- We dunno who said this so we'll attribute it to Roddi, yes? %% L: It's hard not to sing along to this [ Mozart's Allejihia ] R: Yes, but only if you sing in the original Italian L: What was it originaly sung in? R: Well, you've got your choice of the Italian or German L: HEY! HOW CAN YOU SING _ONE_WORD_ IN ITALIAN OR GERMAN? R: *snicker* -- Roddi demonstrates his knowledge of music and history to Linda. %% Roddi: Well, at least there's somethings we can depend on absolutely in our friendship Linda: total, utter and complete disagreement on nearly everything. yes. :) Roddi: Yep. Setcha watch by it. 3 second splutter delay, 5 minutes diatribe :-) Linda: *chuckle* indeed. er. actually...no!!! It's _5_ second splutter delay! Isn't it blindingly obvious??? Roddi: I think you'll find the delay on that message was close to 3 seconds. Yes. You are often blind to the obvious, but I digress :-) -- When you hear the third splutter, the time will be ... %% > Ah, Mr Solob - once again the verve with which you use the language > outstrips my ability to comprehend it :-) -- Ofi giving braindumps on keywords - something about grep -ri * %% Linda: seminar tomorrow. Roddi: Ah. Even I freaked on that one. But then again, I had done NOTHING midyear :-) Remember: If you're going to do down in flames, steer for the thickest part of the crowd and scatter your wreckage over a wide area. A glorious Viking funeral - what could be better? And if the pieces they find are small enough, there's NOTHING they can do to you :-) -- Linda consults an expert. %% That's not Kevin Lentin is it ? Could be - why do you ask ? He's a real person then is he ? -- Conversation overheard in theOffice(tm). %% Steve: Nup. Kevin actually lives here doesn't he ? Daz: Yes. Steve: Poor bastard thinks he's got a wrong number - He's going to ring back in a minute. Steve: (in a different voice - deeper) No he's not here at the moment - ring back later. -- Steve Welsh provides more than just excellent hardware service. %% Ingrid: Would be nice to have another boy (hint). Chatz: Sorry Ingrid, as far as Kate is concerned, I'm taken. But she does work during the day... OK, I'll play...Volleyball on this co-rec team, not theOffice(tm) team (called, would you believe, theTeam(tm) )! -- Ingrid & Chatz discuss parenting. Or is it Volleyball? %% dibbler 10:42 % ls rc/ ETRC Letters/ Mail/ Makefile Mwm News/ SURPRISE ascii/ ... Hmmmmm .... dibbler 10:42 % cat SURPRISE I LOVE YOU!!!!! -- The junk lying around one's home directory. %% Kev: Talking about weddings... Daz: No I'd rather not. -- Daz feeling the pressure from the other engaged couples in theOffice(tm) %% Message 6/24 From Piat Na Lim To: tutors1011 please email tutors1011 to communicate. If you are not in tutors1011 please let me know. cheers piat %% From: spiff [To: roddi] ebbi....hooba...heeblie-beeblie....huh?...wha?....WUAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH %% From: andy [To: chatz kevin linda roddi spiff] A good start - 9:00 (or rather 10:00 according to the CC - DUMB !!!!!) 6 students, all filling out their little surveys of intellectual capacity. Unfortunately somebody forgot to give these things to the CC admin staff. I registered myself as a pc user thismorning - my account name is AJDAV1. Well, I guess it's an improvement on my last one ! I used my favorite password to register - a bad move to be sure, for the vicious Vorpal Registering Program ate it with all haste, leaving me with 6 grace logins remaining. It was all I could do to extract my second favorite and use it. ... -- A Day in the Life of a First Year Tutor. A. Davison %% From: andy [To: chatz kevin linda roddi spiff] Here I sit, behind my screen, Reading news and other, I glance up and what do I see, The Gaze of our Big Brother. -- A Day in the Life of a First Year Tutor. A. Davison %% From: andy [To: chatz kevin linda roddi spiff] Here I sit, composing goofies In calm serentity, When Telnet up and hangs the PC, I think, obsenities... -- A Day in the Life of a First Year Tutor %% From: spiff [To: andy] How's the prac going? From: andy [To: spiff] Boring. Had one pretty exciting demo of how to make a sandwich on the board... impressive. I was drawing pigs and everything... From: spiff [To: andy] Like what?......... while(!pig_caught){ catch_the_slippery_bugger(); } while(!dead_pig){ shoot_the_bastard(); } make_bacon(); etc........... %% I don't think I'd call a compression ratio of 1.6 bloody double space. -- Kona, after installing DOS 6.2 and its attendant utilities %% It's now time to go in with gdb and debug the code I've planted to debug the program. -- Daz puts the finishing touches on his ISMB paper %% It'll be as smooth as a MacDraw Pro spline (cf smooth as a Babies Bottom) -- Daz on the 2nd derivative of his Bank Balance pre and post Kona. %% > I got some problem when I tried to install goofey. Can you please give me > some help? > My account name in ccds is ywlam1. Detail ? Daz. -- sigh. %% From: ronald [To: daz] Hi ! I Got a friend name is ywlam1@ccds He is having troble install goofey. Could you fix up for him? Detail !! From: ronald [To: daz] He installed his .goofeypw file properly and the server said his password is not valid. From: ronald [To: daz] Sorry Actually he changed the characters in that file. I wonder if you can send him another one? %% Damian I'll give my shpiel(Ed: pron: spiel) and then you can have your therapy session. -- Ingrid's enjoys tutors meetings so much %% From: kevin [To: daz] This is user kllen1. How do I make my kev on the mfs? -- Kev, trying to imitate a member of the hoard. %% From: kevin [To: daz] I tried downloading my goofeypw file to mfs01 and then installing it in my kllen1 directory but it says by command or filename is invalid for goofey. What should I do? :-) -- Kev, keen observer of the masses. %% From: kevin [To: daz] I think I have worked it out. I copied my .goofeypw into my .tutservpw but now everything is in a mess. Do I need to recompile goofey? :-) [Thin ice starts to crack underneath me] %% From: daz [To: kevin] I've worked out a strategy - blow away the accounts people complain about - then if their friends hassle me - blow their accounts away too - continue until the noise stops -- Daz starts to fray under the pressure of goofey users while tym is away for 12 days (at a rather busy time) %% From: kevin [To: daz] I was just trying to work out some diamondBase locking. File based should be fine. record based doesn't exist under linux as far as I can tell but it does under linux. g -rf kev 1 >> ~/p/fort echo "g -rf kev 1 >> ~/p/fort" >> ~/p/fort -- The strain is beginning to tell. %% "They're conscious, but they're not sentient." --Damian describing first years early in the year %% There is a message displayed told me to logout immediately and there is a virus. this happened when I tried to look up someone's info. -- Message to admin@yoyo from Chi Hsu. %% Software Engineering's more like a humanities subject, really -frustrated 3rd year %% Dave Nissen... bit like a goth on steroids now -anon %% xsetroot -solid '#80399a' -- That andy kind of background color. %% Your disk quota is /usr/monash/quota: Command not found. dec07_1% -- he he he %% From: kona [To: daz] My neural network is now successfully unlearning - it manages to deteriorate from the initial random performance. -- One really bad month. %% PID USERNAME PRI NICE SIZE RES STATE TIME WCPU CPU COMMAND 8281 kona 102 9 168K 240K run 302:30 28.55% 28.52% n 8158 kona 102 9 168K 228K run 301:23 28.16% 28.12% n 8172 kona 102 9 168K 240K run 309:29 26.99% 26.95% ng0.5 -- I've got the neural net blues. %% Julian and I are going to breed a master race" - Chris Betts %% This pracs is for students attending a female lecturer (Dr. Ingrid). Other description of another lecturer is not valid. cheers piat -- Dr. Ingrid, can I play volleyball too ? %% If I were a Kevin.. Yiddle Deedle Dydle Deedle Dydle Deedle Dydle Dum. All Day Long I'd Twiddle With My Thumbs If I were Kevin Lentun <-- Poetic Licence with spelling I Wouldn't have to work Hard Yiddle Deedle Dydle Deedle Dydle Deedle Dydle Dum. All Day Long I'd Type on my Sun If I were Kevin Lentun -- An Ode to Kev.. %% "It turns out that" is a registered trademark of D. Conway and Associates Lecturing Pty Ltd. -- Tim Pickett %% Ingrid: They are, ... they are, ... I'm speechless. Kev: That is an interesting situation. Ingrid: I'm,.... I'm still speechless. -- Ingrid tries to cope with a day of dealing with IBM. %% Night! shower, shopping list and STNG. I never thought I'd be so eager to spend this time of night with a bald dude -- Ingrid, yearning for star trek. %% From: gavin [To: daz tym wally] Hi! Quick question: Is it possible to create C source code from an object file??? I ask as I desperately need to do this!!! -- man rcs %% please note that davidc should be on monday at 2.15 in room 108 instead of davidc. -- The indentity tutor transform %% WOW, viewlogic just core dumped on me and guess how big the file was -rw-r--r-- 1 tmpar1 12169216 Apr 17 13:12 core -- ln -s /dev/null core %% I have so how inherit the authority to do whatever I wish to do to you if you do not keep the database up-to-date. -- and there will be ritual tutor slaughters until the database is rectified %% Justin : "What the hell was Piat talking about with that GIGO stuff?" Matt Collins : "Well, I figure that based on Piat speak, it means Garbage In - Garbage Out" -- just another tutor's meeting %% The creation of Damian's crack C++ programming squad............ ,-------, ,-------, ,-------, ,-------, ,-------, ,-------, | This | | I know| | | | Z | | Ooh | | Bloop,| | stuff | | a | | Good | | Z | | yeah, | | Bloop,| | is | | better| | God!! | | Z | | I'm | | Bloop,| | easy!!| | way | | | | Z | | gone. | | Bloop.| `___ __` `___ __` `___ __` `___ __` `___ __` `___ __` \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \){/()\}({/ _____ ,-------, ######### / ____\_ ####### {&&&&&&&} ,------, |_/---/\| ## | / ) \_\ ##/---/\| || | ( /------| | | # | / ) |\ # | |/ | ( | | c o \ o| c o \ o| ( c ()\()| ) c U \ U| c X \ X| ( c O \ O| | > | | > | ( | > | ) | > | | > | ( | > | \ \___/| \ \__/| ( \ . | ) \ \___/| \ . | ( \ () | | ___/ | ___/ ( | ___/ ) | ___/ | ___/ | ___/ | | | | ( | | ) | | | | | | Chatz Alan Linda Roddi Justin Chris %% Linda (upon returning from her honeymoon) : Gee it's hard being back. I've achieved nothing today. Kev: What's hard about that ?? Linda: But I _wanted_ to achieve something! Kev: Then leave theOffice! Now!! %% Have you come across young Ingrid Z? - She's as fab as a person could be; I hope that this crawling Won't seem too appalling - I'm choosing my words careful-ly... -- mystery limerick submission. %% I know a young fellow called Andy, Who's famous for being quite randy; Yet to bonk on the beach Isn't something he'll preach - For it makes every orifice sandy. -- mystery limerick submission. %% There once was a fellow called Roddi, Who had a remarkable body. How the women would shout When he flashed it about - But in practice they found it quite shoddy. -- mystery limerick submission. %% I know a young fellow called Tym Who spends many hours in the gym, But despite working out (Very keenly, no doubt) He still stays remarkably slym. -- mystery limerick submission. %% From: swfok1 [To: tym] Can you change my user name in goofey to "Sunny" please? I wonder if you know anything about "SLIP", do u know the Annex adminstration password, 'coz I need this to telnet to the Dec. -- The questions some people ask... %% Kev: How do we get back to the colour Xterm ? Andy: Just exit - that's a colour Xterm there. Kev: Is it ? Andy: Yeah - see the colour (points to a poor excuse for a patch of brown, hiding at the bottom of the screen amongst its fellow black). Andy: That's definitely red isn't it ? Daz: Maybe they just miscalculated black. -- The colour Xterm saga. %% From: chatz [To: andy daz kevin] An ode to finding a C++ compiler that compiles C++, By David Chatterton, Andrew Davison, Kevin Lentin, and Darren Platt. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you. %% CFRONT . CEEEEEEEEE - FRONT, it was very ..........luv - ed not. -- So I married an axe murdering C++ compiler. %% Another happy customer... Student: "I have a problem with my computer at home. When I run applications using Windows I keep running out of memory even if I exit them first. What's the problem ?" Andy: "Windows" Student: "Yes, so what's the problem ?" Andy: "Windows - that's the problem" Student: "So how do I fix it ?" Andy: "OS/2" -- The getting of wisdom. %% Summary of email transcripts: From jnc@bruce.cs.monash.EDU.AU Wed Apr 27 13:49:34 1994 To: darrenp@dibbler.cs.monash.EDU.AU Subject: Re: logic exam Status: RO I don't understand your message! jnc --- From daz to jnc. I don't understand your message either. What did I say ? --- From jnc to daz: Don't worry, it was some old mail on dec04 which had been sitting there for a few months. --- From daz to jnc: Can I see the original ? --- From jnc to daz: Sorry. I deleted it when I emailed you - it could even have been the year before. When did you do a logic exam for me? jnc --- From daz to jnc: 1991 :) That was an historical document you destroyed. -- Through rain hail, sleet or snow, the sendmail often doesn't get there. %% Hi Darren, David Dowe tells me your interested in giving a seminar. You can speak on either the 16th or 30th of May. Let me know which you prefer. Can you send me an abstract and title asap. Thanks, Jon. -- What happens when you casually mention in the corridor that you should give a seminar one of these days. %% Aparently Fung S. has run 6 copies of his NN on molly - Kev was prancing around siging: If I were a Fung S, di da deddle da da deedle da di deddle deddle dum, All day long I'd thrash on my machine, if I were a Fung ...... S. If I were a Fung S. di da deedle da da .......... if I were a Fung S. -- BTW kev, kona wants to cast you in the lead role for a local production of fiddler on the roof. %% ((void )( (( (( ( (((void )( ((((struct dbData *)(& __0__V40 )))?( ( ((((struct dbData *)(& __0__V40 )))-> data__6dbData ?( free ( (void *)(((struct dbData *)(& __0__V40 )))-> data__6dbData ) , 0 ) :( 0 ) ), ( ((((struct dbData *)(& __0__V40 )))-> data__6dbData = 0 ), ( ((((struct dbData *)(& __0__V40 )))-> size__6dbData = 0 ), ((((struct dbData *)(& __0__V40 )))?( (( 0 ) ), 0 ) :( 0 ) )) ) ) , 0 ) :( 0 ) )) )), (( 0 ) )) , 0 ) ), 0 ) )) ); } } -- Who says CFRONT doesn't have a sense of humour ? %% Ok, I'll leave you to go back to whatever you were doing. -- Simon Carter (hons student) after ringing daz at kona's at 9:30 on a saturday morning in search of a C++ guru to explain why he couldn't instantiate an abstract class. %% I know a young lady called Kona, True feminists couldn't condone her - For she says life was barren Until she met Darren - We'll have to get Steinem to phone her. -- mystery limerick submission. %% "After 12 months of living with Linda, that's the closest you ever came to her underwear." -- Ricky, to Glen when he caught linda's garter: %% From: andy [To: daz] The funny thing about that test code (no really - it is funny) is that it doesn't even USE the esqctrl library anymore.3 I just compiled and linked it without the library, and the damn thing _STILL_ doesn't work. I'm going back to scratch to figure this one out... From: andy [To: daz] I'VE GOT THE LITTLE SHIT BY THE BALLS ! From: andy [To: daz kevin] YES, YES, YES Shhhh. Listen..... Boom, bom,....boom, bom.....boom,bom......boom,bom..... Yes, That's CYCSPEC's Heartbeat ! :-) -- he he Borland 4.0 %% Captains log, stardate 12051994. It seems that this latest encounter with the Borl empire has not left us unscathed, but also not without further knowledge. The crew is know fully aware of the hazards of launching off into undocumented space, and I'm sure that in future encounters our defences will not be quite as low. Starfleet has been informed, and it seems that a diplomatic mission is on it's way to request an explaination for this most recent attack. -- andy and borland 4.0 do the tango. %% Roddi: "I think I'll eat at home. It only takes 7 minutes and it's free" Justin: "You just spent $10 at Flippers. What's your hurry anyway? What are you going to do after you eat?" Roddi: "I might play video games or just bludge around" Ricky: "You've been doing that for two years now. Aren't you sick of it?" -- setting bad examples to honours students ? %% When it all gets too much..... o | : . ,_______, /-o^()-, |,-----,| /| u |\ || || |||||--/ -\ |:_____;| / | \ __,___;=======;___ | |___)___,____/ __) / ####### \ |_|L_____ |___L// L_________| uW\(____)| | /_________________ || |_| | | ==__==( \_ | | O O \__) | | ############################################ Blow spit bubbles -- Justin M (resident ascii Da Vinci) : This was inspired by a spit bubble hitting me in the forehead. %% Is it just me, or does Bent (the Compilers lecturer) sound like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet show? ObTest: "Bork" is mock-Swedish for "nonterminal". [toodae vee r gooing-a too meek a LALR(1) persur! Bork bork bork!] -- Andrew Bulhak at The Information Supercollider %% Geometric Modelling: You create a model of a gun that is complete but not unique, and a model of a bullet that is unique but incomplete. It turns out that validity of the ensuing wound is impossible to determine. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Neural Networks: You shoot many training bullets into your foot until it learns to feel pain after seeing a gun. Do not use back-propagation or the gun may explode. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Telecommunications: You plan to shoot yourself in the PME (Pedestrian Movement Equipment) as soon as the new BBT (Broadband Bullet Technology) is developed. Meanwhile you discuss complications the ETA (Exposed Traumatised Area) may develop. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Functional Programming: You define a lambda-calculus that contains only guns, bullets and feet, and from it develop a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem and a dreadful headache. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Aspects of Object-Oriented Programming: You first need to know how to, and to have actually shot yourself in the foot. You then attend the lectures, receive the anaesthetic, and when you wake up . . . lo and behold, *you have been shot in the foot*. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Causal Reasoning: You have a bullet in your foot and a gun in your hand. Hume tells you that causality is bunk and that firing the gun merely temporally precedes the hole in the foot and therefore all you have experienced is an understanding of holding guns and holes in feet. By defining B to be the action of firing a gun and H to be the hole in your foot, you develop a deterministic faith that P(H|B) > P(H) and therefore conclude that you have been attending Aspects of Object-Oriented Programming. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Cryptography: Your foot is encrypted using a public key system so that anyone may shoot you in the foot but only you can feel the pain. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Graphical User Interfaces: You provide a nice friendly interface to the gun so that shooting yourself in the foot is so intuitive that any idiot can do it . . . and does. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Data and Image Compression: To speed up the number of bullets you can fire into your foot per second, you compress them using a lossy technique and a low quality factor, hoping that the foot is able to decompress them into at least some sort of recognisably incendiary device. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Parallel Programming: You invest in a double-barrel shotgun, but none of the pellets actually reach your foot because most of them are deadlocked or unable to access another pellet's resources. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Project: You fire the gun. Nothing happens until mid-August. Frantically you grab the manual to the gun and try to find the lies about how much you said you had done in June. Eventually you fall asleep over the gun and accidentally pull the trigger, hoping the gun is pointing towards your foot. Alternatively, wait until your final talk, hand your gun to Professor Wallace and hope he misses your head. -- How to shoot yourself in the foot in Honours (By Tim Pickett, Scott Thomson and Nicola Brown) %% Scene: Linda struggling with C++, aware that everyone else in theOffice(tm) finds her problems obvious Chatz: It's because you're tall, blonde and female! Linda: *slap* Chatz: Sorry, I shouldn't have called you female... :) (Chatz suddenly hits warp 9 out the office door, wondering why federation ships don't have cloaking devices) %% Ingrid's your typical Jewish mother... now I have two! -- Kevin Lentin %% There is no documentation inconsistency. When you type "goofey -N alias" it informs you that you have to type "goofey -N alias ". There is a very good reason for this... After you have been administering a system like goofey for a couple of years you begin to notice that the average uni student cannot absorb much information in one go. The registration process (-N) takes people through one step at a time. This may be painful for someone of moderate intellegence, but, believe me, it saves us time by reducing the number of dumb queries. (-N) is designed to be a hurdle to stop completely clueless people getting on. -- Tim MacKenzie %% This is the 400'th local fortune! -- Community service announcement brought to you by the letters G and P. %% I can't understand all this garbage about installing a password, how is it done? -- Thorne Lawler, victim of SUS. %% If you (or anyone else for that matter) has some *specific* question then I am more than happy to answer it. You have no idea how many questions I get (as do my colleagues in similar situations) which have 0 information content. "I have a problem" is just not good enough... we can only derive so much information from what little records we have. For instance, in your friends case, I get a message to help "thorin" and a mail message from thlor1@mfs01. Some quick investigation revealed a .forward from thorin@yoyo to mfs01... maybe this is the source of the confusion. If you have a problem at least give the person you ask enough information to have some idea of what is going on or you can expect little help. -- Tim MacKenzie [A little flustered with the SUS (Stupid User Syndrome)] %% THORNE LAWLER writes: advice worked just like the it is! Nailed the sucker ! - it was running off the start of the array > instead of the end, and the electric fence couldn't get close enough > under SunOS, due to memory alignment, and linux had strategically > placed the iostream buffers there as an early warning system against > memory insurrection. -- mysterious 18 meg core file dumps under linux %% From: karen [To: linda] shit shit shit shit From: karen [To: linda] sorry sorry sorry sorry -- Karen screwed up (said in a rather petulant childish voice) %% > Err... Hmm... Yep they are on /overview, but it isn't exported. > Yet... Ok now it is. But this is somewhat embarrassing. People will now > see that I'm using 100 mbytes of a gbyte disk and wasting the rest. -- Isn't it a shame that our NewsServer is so hardware challenged :-) -- Keithl Lewis showing characteristic candor %% From: daz [To: jamie] Do you know bruce is broken ? From: jamie [To: daz] Yeah, Peter is rebooting it. From: daz [To: jamie] Nice to know the situation is "under control" in that peculiarly unix sense of the phrase From: jamie [To: daz] Heheheh...indeed. :-) %% From: wceks1 [To: XXXXX] Tell you what, provided she can help I'll be a happy man no matter what she's into or does!! -- wceks1 on the prospect of receiving help from linda. %% Kev : "do we have to do it that way? it's ugly!" Damian : "Bad luck! Love me, love my style guide" -- I think Damian's been watching too much Seinfeld. %% It feels nice being an ogre. -- Linda gets back from a first year lab. %% > Undefined: > lock__9recServerii > collect: ld returned 1 exit status > > From the genus data-basus, this elusive creature is only found > in moist, late model diamondBase environments, and can be elusive at the > best of times -- daz loses a fight with a compiler %% From: kona [To: daz] Milkshake! You scumbucket! My kingdom for a freezer that could keep icecream! -- jealousy is a curse. %% Interesting. I just got a GP exception.... 0x277F:0x05E9 Processor Fault :-) -- Another crash for FIFA to inestigate %% Time to bring out the computational napalm - "just perfect for those processes that simply won't lie down and die..." -- kona's helpful suggestions re killing wayward processes. %% Say it shall be done,and it will be done! If it is seen that it will be done as said, then that it is said that it will be done makes it essentially already done! If it is already done in essence then it is as good as done! therefore say it shall be done and it is done! [badly mangled piece from 'The Mikado' by Gilbert and Sullivan' that seemed appropriate for several reasons, one being that it's 3:40am :-) Be careful of promising too much too quickly lest you lose credibility when it doesn't all happen as planned (yeah, recite that back to me one day ingrid - I can see it comming now :-) Insert a 'Begin' in front and I'll be happier and it'll look more honest and less like one of 'Honest john's proposals that promise everything, even the mutually exclusive' (and all in the one paragraph! ;-) -- lucid ricky (ricky un-luced ?) %% .. ....... ...... damian, (who's getting tired of rearranging the deckchairs) -- This man is a comp sci lecturer, we can't show you his politics :) %% I was wandering through the Botannical gardens a few weeks ago, this guy with a camera and English accent asked me what sort of birds those were.... I looked carefully at them, and took in a number of salient features, turned to back to him and said "Bats." -Eccles, investigating the possibility of becoming a biologist if he fails the AI exam (again). %% Q: What does [this] algorithm do? A: Bottom up patterns as the function being performed from fundamental statements incrementally, and summing up to much complexity tokens. -- Anon CSC1011 student, 1994. %% That's what multiple choice is: Tattslotto with clues. -- Julien starts to crack under exam marking pressure. June 1994. %% It wasn't a WorkCare claim either -- Karen, describing the need for health insurance during pregnancy. %% That scar on your forehead's not just for show, is it? They've been in there, rummaging. -- Damian to Julian. CSC1011 marking, June 1994 %% Q: What happens when memory address 1850 is accessed? A: The computer explodes in a brilliant flash, blue pulses of electricity arc over the keyboard. -- Anon CSC1011 student, 1994. %% Q: What happens when memory address 1850 is accessed? A: The computer self destructs and radiation fallout is dispersed across the entire world. -- Anon CSC1011 student, 1994. %% Kevin: Damian says: "Pain Is My Friend". Linda: I find that disturbing in a supervisor. -- CSC1011 marking 1994. %% Angela: We had to swear not to tell anybody the number ever. Kevin: Roddi, do you know the number? Roddi: Yeah, Matt told me. -- FCIT security at work. CSC1011 marking 1994. %% Damian: 3 types of documentation: printf, scanf, char Simon: Welcome to question 2. -- Damian foolishly decided to help Simon out. CSC1011 marking 1994. %% Simon: Roddi, your relative got 94 for the programming. Damian: And he got 92 for Ingrid's - he'll get 93. Kevin: Ooh. Another Walker postgrad. Damian: Bags not. -- A nightmare on Conway street. CSC1011 marking 1994. %% Tim E.: You'll get a reputation for generosity, Roddi. -- The booted one slips up on the marking scheme. June 1994. %%