Fortunes obtained from quetzal (ins534z@aurora)
%%
The Murphy Philosophy
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
%%
Murphy's Constant
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
%%
Finagle's Rules
1. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before
you start.
2. Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been
working.
3. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
4. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
5. Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail
in the same way.
6. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
%%
Rudin's Law
In crises that force people to choose among alternative
courses of action, most people will choose the worst one
possible.
%%
Everitt's Second Law of Thermodynamics
Confusion is always increasing in society. Only if someone
or something works extremely hard can this confusion be
reduced in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will
still result in an increase in the total confusion of
society at large.
%%
Stockmayer's Theorem
If it looks easy, it's tough.
If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
%%
Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership
1. If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away.
2. If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as
it is no longer accessible.
%%
Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness
The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely propor-
tional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
%%
Kitman's Law
Pure drivel tends to drive off the TV screen ordinary
drivel.
%%
Johnson and Laird's Law
Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
%%
Klipstein's Law of Specification
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
%%
Law of the Lost Inch
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension
can be totalled correctly after 4:40 pm on Friday.
    Corollaries:
1. Under the same conditions, if any minor dimensions are
given to sixteenths of an inch, they cannot be totalled at
all.
2. The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 am on
Monday.
%%
Wyszkowski's Theorem
Regardless of the units used by either the supplier or the
customer, the manufacturer shall use his own arbitrary units
convertible to those of either the supplier or the customer
only by means of weird and unnatural conversion factors.
%%
The Snafu Equations
1. Given any problem containing 'n' equations, there will
always be 'n+1' unknowns.
2. An object or bit of information most needed will be the
least available
3. Once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there
will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to
everyone else.
4. Badness comes in waves.
%%
Laws of Computer Programming
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available
memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of
its output.
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability
of the programmer who must maintain it.
%%
Law of Selective Gravity
Any object will fall so as to do the most damage.
    Klipstein's Corollary:
The most delicate component will be the one to drop.
    Jenning's Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down
is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
    Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of
the bread to butter.
%%
Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
    Chapman's Comentary on Paul's Law:
It takes children three years to learn Paul's Law.
%%
Horner's Five-Thumb Postulate
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%%
Fourth Law of Revision
After painstaking and careful analysis of a sample, you are
always told that it is the wrong sample and doesn't apply to
the problem.
%%
Young's Law
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
    Corollary:
The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the
mistake.
%%
Fett's Law of the Lab
Never replicate a successful experiment.
%%
Mr. Cooper's Law
If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of
technical writing, ignore it.  The piece will make perfect
sense without it.
    Bogovich's Corollary to Mr Cooper's Law:
If the piece makes no sense without the word, it will make
no sense with the word.
%%
Parkinson's Sixth Law
The progress of science varies inversely with the number of
journals published.
%%
Campbell's Law
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
%%
Freeman's Rule
Circumstances can force a generalised incompetent to become
competent, at least in a specialised field.
%%
Oeser's Law
There is a tendency for the person in the most powerful
position in an organisation to spend all of his or her time
serving on committees and signing letters.
%%
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour
People are always available for work in the past tense.
%%
Illegitimus non carborundum -
Don't let the bastards wear you down.
%%
Fairfax's Law
Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the
desired result, are fair facts for the argument.
%%
McNaughton's Rule
Any arguments worth making within the bureaucracy must be
capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence
that is obviously true once stated.
%%
In the beginning, God created gravity.
>From then on, it was all downhill.
%%
Pickett's Infallible Rule
Without exception, all infallible rules have an exception.
%%
First Law of Debate
Never argue with a fool - people might not know the
difference.
%%
Westheimer's Rule
To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the
time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the
unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2
days for a one-hour task.
%%
The Ordering Principle
Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must be
ordered no later than tomorrow noon.
%%
Cheops' Law
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
%%
O'Brien's Principle (The $357.73 Theory)
Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom
line divisible by 5 or 10.
%%
Issawi's Observation on the Consumption of Paper
Each system has its own way of consuming vast amounts of
paper: in socialist societies by filling large forms in
quadruplicate, in capitalist societies by putting up huge
posters and wrapping every article in four layers of
cardboard.
%%
John's Collateral Corollary
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need
it.
%%
Gummidge's Law
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the
number of statements understood by the general public.
%%
Weinberg's Corollary
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
%%
The Rule of the Way Out
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work
out.
%%
Clarke's First Law
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that
something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he
states that something is impossible, he is very probably
wrong.
%%
Clarke's Second Law
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go
beyond them into the impossible.
%%
Cohen's Law
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on
the facts - not the facts themselves.
%%
Fitz-Gibbon's Law
Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks
involved with the broth.
%%
Levy's Eighth Law
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with
detail.
%%
Levy's Ninth Law
Only God can make a random selection.
%%
Miller's Law
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.
%%
Time is God's way of keeping everything from happening all
at once.
%%
LaCombe's Rule of Percentages
The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25 percent
or 80-90 percent.
    Dudenhoefer's Corollary:
An answer of 50 percent will suffice for the 40-60 range.
%%
Farber's Fourth Law
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
%%
Beckhap's Law
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
%%
Issawi's Law of the Conservation of Evil
The total amount of evil in any system remains constant.
Hence, any diminution in one direction - for instance, a
reduction in poverty or unemployment - is accompanied by an
increase in another, e.g. crime or air pollution.
%%
Parker's Law of Political Statements
The truth of any proposition has nothing to do with its
credibility and vice versa.
%%
Levy's Third Law
That segment of the community with which one has the
greatest sympathy as a liberal inevitably turns out to be
one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the
community.
    Kelly's Reformation:
Nice guys don't finish nice.
%%
Vique's Law
A person without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
%%
Persig's Postulate
The number of rational hypotheses that can explain any given
phenomenon is infinite.
%%
Cooper's Metalaw
A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new
loopholes.
%%
Weaver's Law
When several reporters share a taxi on an assignment, the
reporter in the front seat pays for all.
    Doyle's Corollary:
No matter how many reporters share a taxi, and no matter who
pays, each puts the full fare on his own expense account.
%%
Johnson's Second Law
If, in the course of several months, only three worthwhile
social events take place, they will all fall on the same
evening.
%%
Terman's Law of Innovation
If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one
person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can
jump one foot.
%%
Haldane's Law
The universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it's
queerer than we CAN imagine.
%%
The Aquinas Axiom
What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
%%
If I travelled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me,
The pot's at the other end.
                              - Bert Whitney, gentle reader.
%%
Murphy's Law
If anything can go wrong, it will.
    Schnatterly's Summing Up of the Corollaries:
If anything can't go wrong, it will.
    Silberman's Paradox:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
%%
Farnsdick's Corollary to the 5th Corollary
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will
repeat itself.
%%
Gattuso's Extension of Murphy's Law
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
%%
Lynch's Law
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
%%
Evans and Bjorn's Law
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew
it would.
%%
The Two Secrets of Guaranteed Success
1. Don't give away everything you know.
%%
Grossman's Misquote of H. L. Mencken
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand, wrong
answers.
%%
Imbesi's Law of the Conservation of Filth
In order for something to become clean, something else must
become dirty.
    Freeman's Extension:
. . . but you can get everything dirty without getting
anything clean.
%%
First Postulate of Isomurphism
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
%%
Rune's Rule
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
%%
Ferguson's Precept
A crisis is when you can't say, "Lets forget the whole
thing."
%%
The Unapplicable Law
Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
%%
Coit-Murphy's Statement on the Power of Negative Thinking:
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
%%
The Cardinal Conundrum
An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible
worlds.
A pessimist fears this is true.
%%
Darzen's Law of Restitution
The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely
proportional to the time it took to do the damage.
    Example 1:
It takes longer to glue a vase together than to break one.
    Example 2:
It takes longer to lose 'x' kilograms than to gain 'x'
kilograms.
%%
Ettore's Observation
The other lines move faster.
    O'Brien's Variation on Ettore's Observation:
If you change lines, the one you just left will start to
move faster than the one you are in now.
    Kenton's Corollary:
Switching back screws up both lines and makes everybody
angry.
%%
The Queue Principle
The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that
you are standing in the wrong line.
    Flugg's Rule:
The slowest checkout is always the express lane.
%%
Reverend Chichester's Laws
1. If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will
be down.
2. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will
be down.
3. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, church
attendance will exceed all expectations.
%%
Hutchison's Law
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur
simultaneously with a compelling distraction.
%%
Fuller's Law of Journalism
The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the
greater the number of dead and injured required for it to
become a story.
%%
Laws of Truth in Reporting
1. The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the more
obvious are the errors in all news coverage of the
situation.
2. The further you are from the facts of a situation, the
more you tend to believe news coverage of the situation.
%%
The Law of the Letter
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is the seal the
envelope.
%%
Jones' Law of Zoos and Museums
The most interesting specimen will not be labelled.
%%
Jones' Law of Publishing
Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book is in
print.
    Block's Corollary:
The first page the author turns to upon receiving an advance
copy will be the page containing the worst erorr.
%%
Wallace Wood's Rule of Drawing
1. Never draw what you can copy.
2. Never copy what you can trace.
3. Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
%%
Photographer's Laws
1. The best shots happen immediately after the last frame is
exposed.
2. The other best shots are generally attempted through the
lens cap.
3. Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone
inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
leaks out.
%%
Dedera's Law
In a three-storey building served by one elevator, nine
times out of ten the elevator will be on a floor where you
are not.
%%
Sir Walter's Law
The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbecue, campfire,
etc. to drift into a person's face varies directly with that
person's sensitivity to smoke.
%%
Kauffman's First Law of Airports
The distance to the gate is inversely proportional to the
time available to catch your flight.
%%
Rogers' Law
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airliner
encounters turbulence.
    Davis' Explanation of Rogers' Law:
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%%
Basic Baggage Principle
Whatever carousel you stand by, your baggage will come in on
another one.
%%
Angus' Exchange Axiom
When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves
markedly the day after one has purchased foreign currency.
    Corollary:
Upon returning home, the rate drops again as soon as one has
converted all unused foreign currency.
%%
Perkins' Postulate
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
%%
The shortest distance between two points is under
construction.
%%
Loftus' Theory on Personnel Recruitment
1. Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed
talent.
2. Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over
experience.
%%
First Rule of Superior Inferiority
Don't let your superiors know you're better than they are.
%%
Spencer's Laws of Data
1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
%%
Cohn's Law
In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend more
and more time reporting on the less and less you are doing.
stability is achieved when you spend all of your time
reporting on the nothing you are doing.
%%
MacDonald's Second Law
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a
number and then give it back to them.
%%
Thal's Law
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
%%
Pickett's First Law of the Company
For every organisation, there is an equal and opposite
reorganisation.
%%
Luposchainsky's Hurry-up-and-wait Principle
If you're early, it'll be cancelled.
If you knock yourself out to be on time, you'll have to
wait.
If you're late, you will be too late.
%%
Gourd's Axiom
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the
hours are lost.
%%
Matilda's Law of Sub-committee Formation
If you leave the room, you're elected.
%%
Wellington's Law of Command
The cream rises to the top.
So does the scum.
%%
Hecht's Fourth Law
There's no time like the present for postponing what you
don't want to do.
%%
Grossman's Dilemma
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
%%
Ray's Rule for Precision
Measure with a micrometer.
Mark with chalk.
Cut with an axe.
%%
Smith's Law of Computer Repair
Access holes will be 1/2" too small
    Corollary:
Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place.
%%
Gore's Laws of Design Engineering (1)
1. The primary function of the design engineer is to make
things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the
serviceman.
2. That component of any circuit which has the shortest
service life will be placed in the least accessible
location.
%%
Gore's Laws of Design Engineering (2)
3. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which
is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three
parts which are still under development.
    Corollaries:
1. The project engineer will change the design to suit the
state-of-the-art.
2. The changes will not be mentioned in the service manual.
%%
First Law of Office Murphology
Important letters which contain no errors will develop
errors in the mail.
    Corollary:
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
boss is reading it.
%%
Fourth Law of Office Murphology
Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them
will stick to other things when you don't want them to.
%%
Fifth Law of Office Murphology
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you
can't find them.
%%
Devries' Dilemma
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't
want hits thw paper.
%%
Ground Rule for Laboratory Workers
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%%
Finagle's Eighth Rule
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
%%
Handy Guide to Modern Science
1. If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
4. If it's incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
5. If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or
psychology.
%%
White's Statement
Don't lose heart . . .
    Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
. . . they might want to cut it out . . .
    Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
. . . and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
%%
Chisholm's Second Law
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
    Corollaries:
1. When things just can't get any worse, they will.
2. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have
overlooked something.
%%
Pickett's First Law of Scientific Research
The laws of physics change every Thurday night.
%%
Sodd's First Law
When a person attempts a task, he or she will be thwarted in
that task by the unconscious intervention of some other
presence (animate or inanimate).  Nevertheless, some tasks
are completed, since the intervening presence is itself at-
tempting a task and is, of course, subject to interference.
%%
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem.
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of
Ginsberg's Theorem.
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit
the game.
%%
The Unspeakable Law
As soon as you mention something . . .
. . . if it's good, it goes away.
. . . if it's bad, it happens.
%%
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is
to use a larger can.
%%
Klipstein's Laws (1)
Applied to General Engineering:
1. A patent application will be preceded by one week by a
similar application made by an independent worker.
2. Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to
the tightness of the schedule.
3. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable
terms.  Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs
per fortnight.
4. Any wire cut to length will be too short.
%%
Klipstein's Laws (2)
Applied to Prototyping and Production:
1. Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward
maximum difficulty to assemble.
2. If a project requires 'n' components, there will be 'n-1'
units in stock.
3. A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
%%
Klipstein's Laws (3)
Applied to Prototyping and Production:
4. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
5. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect
the fuse by blowing first.
6. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final
inspection.
7. A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs
long enough, and only long enough, to pass incoming
inspection.
%%
Klipstein's Laws (4)
Applied to Prototyping and Production:
8: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed
from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong
access cover has been removed.
9: After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down
screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been
omitted.
10: After an instrument has been assembled, extra components
will be found on the bench.
%%
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International
Society of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Laws for Naive
Engineers (1):
1. In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do
so.
2. Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of
most harm.
3. In any formula, contants (especially those obtained from
engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
4. The best approximation of service conditions in the
laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions
encountered in actual service.
%%
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International
Society of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Laws for Naive
Engineers (2):
5. The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands
the greatest chance of being omitted.
6. If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price
will be unreasonable.
7. If a test installation functions perfectly, all
subsequent production units will malfunction.
8. All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of
2.0.
%%
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International
Society of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Laws for Naive
Engineers (3):
9. Major changes in construction will always be requested
after fabrication is nearly completed.
10. Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper
order will be.
11. Interchangeable parts won't.
12. Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be
multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
13. Salespeople's claims for performance should be
multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
%%
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International
Society of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Laws for Naive
Engineers (4):
14. Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the
device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving
Department.
15. Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least
accessible.
16. Service conditions as given on specifications will be
exceeded.
17. If more than one person is responsible for a
miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
%%
The Recommended Practices Committee of the International
Society of Philosophical Engineers' Universal Laws for Naive
Engineers (5):
18. Identical units which test in an identical fashion will
not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
19. If, in engineering practice, a saftey factor is set
through service experience at an ultimate value, an
ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed
said safety factor.
20. Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of
the invoice.
%%
Third Law of Revision
If, when completion of a design is imminent, field
dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are -
instead of as they were meant to be - it is always simpler
to start all over.
    Corollary:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences - if you have none, someone will make one for
you.
%%
Laws of applied Confusion (1)
1. The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one
that supports 75 percent of the balance of the shipment.
    Corollary:
Not only did the plant forget to ship it; 50 percent of the
time they haven't even made it.
2. Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take
five when you are waiting for the truck
3. After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected
delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
%%
Laws of Applied Confusion (2)
4. In any structure, pick out the one piece that should not
be mismarked and expect the plant to cross you up.
    Corollaries:
1. In any group of pieces with the same erection mark on it,
one should not have that mark on it.
2. It will not be discovered until you try to put it where
the mark says it's supposed to go.
3. Never argue with the fabricating plant about an error.
The inspection prints are all checked off, even to the holes
that aren't there.
%%
Skinner's Constant
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added
to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the
answer you should have gotten.
%%
Rule of Accuracy
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always
helps if you know the answer.
%%
Futility Factor
No experiment is ever a complete failure - it san always
serve as a negative example.
%%
Whole Picture Principle
Research scientists are so wrapped up in their own narrow
endeavours that they cannot possibly see the whole picture
of anything, including their own research.
    Corollary:
The Director of Research should know as little about the
specific subject of research he or she is administering.
%%
Peter's Prognosis
Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need
will disappear.
%%
Spark's 10 Rules for the Project Manager (1)
1. Strive to look tremendously important.
2. Attempt to be seen with important people.
3. Speak with authority; however, only expound on the
obvious and proven facts.
4. Don't engage in argumenmts, but if cornered, ask an
irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin
while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on -
then quickly change the subject.
%%
Spark's 10 Rules for the Project Manager (2)
5. Listen intently while others are arguing the problem.
Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it.
6. If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at
him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down,
paraphrase the question back at him.
7. Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and
out of the limelight.
%%
Spark's 10 Rules for the Project Manager (3)
8. Walk at a fast pace when out of the office - this keeps
questions from subordinates and superiors at a minimuim.
9. Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on
the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in
an important conference.
10. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that
might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
%%
Shanahan's Law
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number
of people present.
%%
Old and Kahn's Law
The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely
proportional to the number of participants and the time
spent on deliberations.
%%
Truman's Law
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
%%
Laws of Procrastination (1)
1. Procrastination shortens the job and places the
responsibility for its termination on someone else (the
authority who imposed the deadline).
2. It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of
the project from the best of all possible efforts the the
best that can be expected given the limited time.
%%
Laws of Procrastination (2)
3. Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own
eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work
justifies the stress.
4. Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of
other duties can usually be achieved, so that the obviously
stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.
%%
Laws of Procrastination (3)
5. Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling
that there is nothing important to do.
6. It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the
job can be done.
%%
Brien's First Law
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organisa-
tion, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
%%
Law of Institutions
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with
the fundamental solvency of the firm.
%%
Paulg's Law
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much
you save.
%%
Juhani's Law
The compromise will always be more expensive than either of
the suggestions it is compromising.
%%
Dunne's Law
The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with
equivocation.
%%
Ross' Law
Never characterise the importance of a statement in advance.
%%
Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas
Every revolutionary idea - in science, politics, art or
whatever - evokes three stages of reaction. They may be
summed up by the three phrases:
1. "It's impossible - don't waste my time."
2. "It is possible, but it's not worth doing."
3. "I said it was a good idea all along."
%%
Benedict's Principle
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
    Law of Revelation
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
%%
Hellrung's Law
If you wait, it will go away.
    Shavelson's Extension:
Having done its damage.
    Grelb's Addition:
If it was bad, it'll be back.
%%
Stewart's Law of Retroaction
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
%%
First Rule of Negative Anticipation
You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't
burn your bridges until you come to them.
%%
Pfeifer's Principle
Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
    Corollary:
No one keeps a record of the decisions you could have made
but didn't. Everyone keeps a record of your bad ones.
%%
Dehay's Axiom
Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to
do them later.
%%
Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgment
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%%
The Einstein Extension of Parkinson's Law
A work project expands to fill the space available.
    Corollary:
No matter how large the work space, if two projects must be
done at the same time they will require the use of the same
part of the work space.
%%
Muench's Law
Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls.
%%
May's Law of Stratigraphy
The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the
density of control.
%%
ERROR 144 - REBOOT? is a trademark of ENSONIQ corporation.
%%
The three most dangerous things in the world are:
1. A hardware type with a software patch.
2. A programmer with a soldering iron.
3. A user with an idea.
%%
My opinions are my own. If you like them, a lease plan is
available.
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to
the stars.
%%
I don't have insomnia - it's just that I don't always
remember to sleep.
%%
Howcome there's only one Monopolies Commission?
%%
I have a congenital aversion to failure.
%%
Life insurance is designed for people who believe they'll be
dead one day.
%%
It's not the bullet that kills you - it's the hole.
%%
Progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every
organism to live beyond its income.
%%
A radical is someone with both feet planted firmly in the
air.
%%
Under capitalism, man exploits man; under socialism, it's
just the opposite.
%%
It's true, the rich are different from us . . . they have
more money.
%%
According to the latest official figures, 48 percent of all
statistics are totally worthless.
%%
I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
%%
Remember: two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights
made an airplane, and three rights will get you onto the
freeway.
%%
Money isn't everything. Usually it isn't enough.
%%
Build a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a
psychopath to your door.
%%
I'd change the world for the better - if only I could get
hold of the source code.
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral
rights.
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth, in 6' by 6' by 2' plots.
%%
A committee is a group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary.
%%
Politician: n. Someone who can sit on the fence and yet keep
both ears to the ground.
%%
There can't be a crisis next week . . . my schedule is
already full.
%%
It is now proved, beyond doubt, that smoking is one of the
leading causes of statistics.
%%
The future is not what it used to be.
%%
If you torture the data long enough, they will confess.
%%
It's a small mind that can only think of one way to spell a
word.
%%
I have seen the future . . . and it works!
%%
We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a
sunbeam meter.
%%
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no
preparation is thought necessary.
%%
In the space age we'll be able to go around the world in two
hours . . . one hour for flying and the other to get to the
airport.
%%
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net
income.
%%
God help the rich - the poor can beg.
%%
May you live all the days of your life.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try again . . . then quit. No
use being a damn fool about it.
%%
An expert is a man who has stopped thinking. Why should he
think? He's an expert.
%%
Truth won't be in till after lunch.
%%
Diplomat: n. One who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you'll look forwaed to the trip.
%%
Television: A medium . . . so called because it is neither
rare, nor well done.
%%
When you breathe in you inspire . . . when you don't - you
expire.
%%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
%%
Idiot: n. Member of a large and powerful tribe from which
humans evolved.
%%
Down with categorical imperatives!
%%
The rich may never get to heaven, but the pauper is already
serving his term in hell.
%%
Bodies in motion tend to remain in motion; bodies at rest
tend to remain in bed.
%%
Live within your income . . . even if you have to borrow to
do it.
%%
Disco is to music as Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
%%
Scientists have just discovered that the active ingredient
in ICs is smoke - when it leaks out, they stop.
%%
This space for rent.  Phone 1-800-PISH-TOO for details.
%%
If UNIX is a computer system, then a pile of bricks is a
house.
%%
Find out what you don't do well, then don't do it.
                                                     - Alf
%%
Lerman's Law of Technology
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and
money.
    Lerman's Corollary:
You are never given enough money.
%%
Rocky's Dilemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies
will reject the proposal.
%%
Thumb's First Postulate
It is better to solve a problem with a crude approximation
and know the truth, plus or minus 10 percent, than to demand
an exact solution and not know the truth at all.
%%
Thumb's Second Postulate
An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful
than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
%%
Jones' First Law
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavour, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
obstruction to its progress - in direct proportion to the
importance of his original contribution.
%%
Mann's Law
If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will become
central to his or her theory.
    Corollary:
His or her theory, in turn, will become central to all
scientific thought.
%%
Grelb's Law of Erroring
In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur at the
opposite end to the end at which you begin checking for
errors.
%%
Leo Beiser's First Computer Axiom
When putting it into memory, remember where you put it.
%%
The Sausage Principle
People who love sausage and respect the law should never
watch either one being made.
%%
The Watergate Principle
Government corruption in always reported in the past tense.
%%
Alinsky's Rule for Radicals
Those who are the most moral are farthest from the problem.
%%
Evans' Law
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.
%%
Rusk's Law of Delegation
Where an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation,
responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom.
%%
The Guppy Law
When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough, the
public will not have enough stake in any one expenditure to
squelch it.
    Corollary:
Enough guppies can eat a treasury.
%%
Good's Rule for Dealing with Bureaucracies
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your
problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
%%
Mark's Law of Monetary Equalisation
A fool and your money are soon partners.
%%
Heisenberg Principle of Investment
You may know where the market is going, but you can't
possibly know where it's going after that.
%%
Seen written on a door in a public toilet:
    "Heisenberg may have been here."
%%
Mars' Rule
An expert is anyone from out of town.
%%
Weber's Definition
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less
until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
%%
Warren's Rule
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
take the longest and cost the most.
%%
Green's Law of Debate
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking
about.
%%
Burke's Rule
Never create a problem for which you don't have the answer.
    Corollary:
Create problems for which only you have the answer.
%%
Matz' Maxim
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
%%
Fagin's Rule on Past Prediction
Hindsight is an exact science.
%%
Dunlap's Laws of Physics
1. Fact is solidified opinion.
2. Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure.
3. Truth is elastic.
%%
Merkin's Maxim
When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.
%%
Halgren's Solution
When in trouble, obfuscate.
%%
Hawkin's Theory of Progress
Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is
wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a
theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
%%
Hunt's Law
Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or exceeding
the greatness of an idea.
%%
The Functionary's Falsity
People in systems do not do what the system says they are
doing.
    The Operational Fallacy:
The system itself does not do what it says it is doing.
%%
Fifteenth Law of Semantics
A complex system that works is invariably found to have
evolved from a simple system that works.
%%
Sixteenth Law of Semantics
A complex system designed from scratch never works and
cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start
over, beginning with a working simple system.
%%
Le Chatelier's Principle
Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function.
%%
Laws of Applied Terror (1)
1. When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most
important ones will be illegible.
2. The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you
are as to which answer they want.
3. 80 percent of the final exam will be based on the one
lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.
%%
Laws of Applied Terror (2)
4. The night before the English history mid-term, your
Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
    Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
except study for that instructor's course.
5. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your
book.
    Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
live.
6. At the end of the semester you will recall having
enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester - and
never attending.
%%
Rominger's Rules for Students
1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will
learn from it.
2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able
to apply it later.
%%
Duggan's Law of Scholarly Research
The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you
cannot determine the source.
    Corollary:
The source for an unattributed quotation will appear in the
most hostile review of your work.
%%
Rominger's Rules for Teachers
1. If a student asks for a second time if you have read his
book report, he did not read the book.
2. If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled exam
will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is
optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you have
never seen before.
%%
Six Principles for Patients (1)
1. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
doesn't mean he knows what it is.
2. The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the
waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your
scheduled appointment.
3. Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
%%
Six Principles for Patients (2)
4. You never have the right number of pills left on the last
day of a prescription.
5. The pills to be taken with meals will be the least
appetising ones.
    Corollary:
Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders.
6. If your condition seems to be getting better, it's
probably your doctor getting sick.
%%
Matz' Rule Regarding Medications
A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat,
will produce a scientific report.
%%
Cochrane's Aphorism
Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is
1) positive, or 2) negative. If both answers are the same,
don't do the test.
%%
Bernstein's Precept
The radiologists' national flower is the hedge.
%%
Wise Fan's Lament
Fools rush in - and get the best seats.
%%
Breda's Rule
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle arrive last.
%%
The Rule of the Rally
The only way to make up for being lost is to make record
time while you are lost.
%%
Shedenhelm's Law of Backpacking
All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill
sections.
%%
Todd's First Law
All things being equal, you lose.
    Corollary:
All things being in your favour, you still lose.
%%
Jensen's Law
Win or lose, you lose.
%%
Quigley's Law
A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise
deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge.
%%
Cambell's Laws of Automotive Repair
1. If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the
tool to get it off.
2. If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it
back-ordered.
3. If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first
place.
%%
Bromberg's Laws of Automotive Repair
1. When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you
becomes a hammer.
2. No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up
covered with grease and motor oil.
3. When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used
interchangeably.
%%
Femo's Law of Automotive Engine Repairing
If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
%%
Gold's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
%%
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
%%
Hamilton's Rule for Cleaning Glassware
The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side.
    Corollary:
If the spot is on the inside, you won't be able to reach it.
%%
Walker's Law of the Household
There is always more dirty laundry than clean laundry.
    Clive's Rebuttal to Walker's Law
If it's clean, it isn't laundry.
%%
Skoff's Law
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
%%
C. H. Fish's Laws of Animal Behaviour
1. The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely
nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it.
2. The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss to
go in or out is directly proportional to the number and
importance of your dinner guests.
%%
Iske's Teenage Corollary to Parkinson's Law
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food
available.
%%
Ballance's Law of Relativity
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom
door you're on.
%%
Britt's Green Thumb Postulate
The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with
its price and directly with its ugliness.
%%
Law of Reruns
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it
again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
%%
Kovac's Conundrum
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
%%
Ryan's Application of Parkinson's Law
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their
storage.
%%
Thom's Law of Marital Bliss
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the
amount spent on the wedding.
%%
Bedfellow's Rule
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
%%
Farmer's Credo
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on Sunday pray
for crop failure.
%%
Professor Block's Motto
Forgive and remember
%%
Jacobs' Law
To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more
human.
%%
Edelstein's Advice
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking of
them.
%%
Bocklage's Law
He who laughs last - probably didn't get the joke.
%%
Rogers' Observation
In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the organisation
the less people appreciate Murphy's Law.
%%
Oaks' Principles of Lawmaking
1. Law expands in proportion to the resources available for
its enforcement.
2. Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.
3. Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws.
%%
Muir's Law
When we try to pick out anything by itself we find it
hitched to everything else in the universe.
%%
Ducharm's Axiom
If one views his problems closely enough he will recognise
himself as part of the problem.
%%
Law of Arbitrary Distiction
Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please.
    Commentary:
In this case, 'everything' may be viewed as a subset of
'anything.'
%%
The Last Law
If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone
wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to
have gone wrong.
%%
Goldberg's Commentary
O'Toole was an optimist.
%%
Nagler's Comment on Origin of Murphy's Law
Murphy's Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another
man of the same name.
%%
Kohn's Corollary to Murphy's Law
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
%%
McDonald's Corollary to Murphy's Law
In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of
action is determined by subsequent events.
%%
Murphy's Law of Government
If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.
%%
Maah's Law
Things go right so they can go wrong.
%%
Addendum to Murphy's Law
In precise mathematical terms, 1 + 1 = 2, where '=' is a
symbol meaning, 'is seldom if ever.'
%%
Gualtieri's Law of Inertia
Where there's a will, there's a won't.
%%
Fahnestock's Rule for Failure
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you've tried.
%%
Kaiser's Comment on Zymurgy
Never open a can of worms unless you plan to go fishing.
%%
Murphy's Mathematical Axiom
For large values of one, one approaches two, for small
values of two.
%%
Hane's Law
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
%%
Perrussel's Law
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
%%
Thine's Law
Nature abhors people.
%%
To err is human, but it feels divine.
                                         - Mae West
%%
Borkowski's Law
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
%%
The Parouzzi Principle
Given a bad start, trouble will increase exponentially.
%%
Ken's Law
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
%%
Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy
If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage,
you get sewage.
If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine,
you get sewage.
%%
The Rockerfeller Principle
Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
%%
Young's Law of Inanimate Mobility
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your
way.
%%
The Schainker Converse to Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to
get out.
%%
Fox on Problematics
When a problem goes away, the people working to solve it do
not.
%%
Biondi's Law
If your project doesn't work, look for the part you didn't
think was important.
%%
Blair's Observation
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
%%
Ruckert's Law
There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of
proportion.
%%
Van Herpen's Law
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
%%
McGee's First Law
It's amazing how long it takes to complete something you are
not working on.
%%
Sevareid's Law
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
%%
Young's Second Law
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
    Corollary:
Just because it is still standing, doesn't mean it is not
dead.
%%
Hoffstedt's Employment Principle
Confusion creates jobs.
%%
Hoffstadter's Law
It always takes longer than you think, even when you
consider Hoffstadter's Law.
                                     - Douglas R. Hofstadter
                                 from "Goedel, Escher, Bach"
%%
Soper's Law
Any bureaucracy reorganised to enhance efficiency is
immediately indistinguishable from its predecessor.
%%
McKernan's Maxim
Those who are unable to learn from past meetings are
condemned to repeat them.
%%
Owen's Theory of Organisational Deviance
Every organisation has an alloted number of positions to be
filled by misfits.
    Corollary:
Once a misfit leaves another will be recruited.
%%
Aigner's Axiom
No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will
seek to modify the results.
%%
The Lippman Lemma
People specialise in their area of greatest weakness.
%%
Fox on Levelology
What will get you promoted on one level will get you killed
on another.
%%
Courtois' Rule
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk
less.
%%
Hutchins' Law
You can't out-talk a man who knows what he's talking about.
%%
Fahnstock's Third Law of Debate
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
%%
Hartz' Law of Rhetoric
Any argument carried far enought will end up in semantics.
%%
Mitchell's Laws of Committology
1. Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough
conferences are held to discuss it.
2. Once the way to screw up a project is presented for
consideration it will invariably be accepted as the soundest
solution.
3. After the solution screws up the project, all those who
initially endorsed it will say, 'I wish I had voiced my
reservations at the time.'
%%
Kim's Rule of Committees
If an hour has been spent amending a sentence, someone will
move to delete the paragraph.
%%
Kennedy's Comment on Committees
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
%%
Sweeney's Law
The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to
the amount of progress.
%%
Morris' Law of Conferences
The most interesting paper will be scheduled simultaneously
with the second most interesting paper.
%%
Third Law of Committo-dynamics
Those most opposed to serving on committees are made
chairmen.
%%
Helga's Rule
Say no, then negotiate.
%%
Brown's Rules of Leadership
1. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise
above your principles.
2. The best way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd
that's going somewhere and get in front of them.
%%
The Rule of Law
If the facts are against you, argue the law.
If the law is against you, argue the facts.
If the facts and the law are against you, yell like hell.
%%
Fox on Power
Arrogance is too often the companion of excellence.
%%
Walton's Law of Politics
A fool and his money are soon elected.
%%
Wilkie's Law
A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
%%
Miller's Law
Exceptions prove the rule - and wreck the budget.
%%
Ogden Nash's Law
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too
long.
%%
Finnigan's Law
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
%%
Simon's Law of Destiny
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
%%
Thompson's Theorem
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
%%
Law of Promotional Tours
Jetlag accumulates unit directionally towards maximum
difficulty to perform.
%%
Robbin's Minimax Rule of Government
Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
%%
Lowe's Law
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public
view.
%%
Horowitz' Rule
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
%%
De Nevers' Law of Complexity
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything
about.
%%
Christie-Davies' Theorem
If your facts are wrong but your logic is perfect, then your
conclusions are inevitably false. Therefore, by making
mistakes in your logic, you have at least a random chance of
coming to a correct conclusion.
%%
McClellan's Law of Cognition
Only new categories escape the stereotyped thinking
associated with old abstractions.
%%
Hartz' Uncertainty Principle
Ambiguity is invariant.
%%
De Nevers' Law of Debate
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
%%
Emerson's Observation
In every work of genius we recognise our rejected thoughts.
%%
Hiram's Law
If you consult enough experts you can confirm any opinion.
%%
Jordan's Law
An informant who never produces misinformation is too
deviant to be trusted.
%%
De Nevers' Lost Law
Never speculate on that which can be
%%
Van Roy's Second Law
If you can distinguish between good advice and bad advice,
then you don't need advice.
%%
Bralek's Rule for Success
Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when
things go wrong.
%%
Wright's First Law of Quality
Quality is inversely proportional to the time left for
completion of the project.
%%
Edwards' Time/Effort Law
    Effort x Time = Constant
A. Given a large initial time to do something the initial
effort will be small.
B. As time goes to zero, effort goes to infinity.
    Corollary:
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
%%
First Law of Corporate Planning
Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is
no time left to change anything.
%%
Beach's Law
No two identical parts are alike.
%%
The Basic Law of Construction
Cut it large and kick it into place.
%%
Meissner's Law
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
%%
Schrank's First Law
If it doesn't work, expand it.
    Corollary:
The greater the magnitude, the less notice will be taken
that it does not work.
%%
Manubay's Laws for Programmers
1. If a programmer's modification of an existing program
works, it's probably not what the users want.
2. Users don't know what they really want, but they know for
certain what they don't want.
%%
Washlesky's Law
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
    Rucnicki's Rule:
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
%%
Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction
If you take something apart and put it back together enough
times, eventually you will have two of them.
%%
Tenenbaum's Law of Replicability
The most interesting results happen only once.
%%
Barr's Inertial Principle
Asking a group of scientists to revise their theory is like
asking a group of cops to revise the law.
%%
The Sagan Fallacy
To say a human being is nothing but molecules is like saying
a Shakespearean play is nothing but words.
%%
The Reliability Principle
The difference between the Laws of Nature and Murphy's Law
is that with the Laws of Nature you can count on things
screwing up the same way every time.
%%
First Law of Scientific Progress
The advance of science can be measured by the rate at which
exceptions to previously held laws accumulate.
    Corollaries:
1. Exceptions always outnumber rules.
2. There are always exceptions to established exceptions.
3. By the time one masters the exceptions, no one recalls
the rules to which they apply.
%%
First Law of Particle Physics
The shorter the life of the particle, the greater it costs
to produce.
%%
Second Law of Particle Physics
The basic building blocks of matter do not occur in nature.
%%
Einstein's Observation
Inasmuch as the mathematical theorems are related to
reality, they are not sure; inasmuch as they are sure, they
are not related to reality.
%%
Finman's Law of Mathematics
Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas.
%%
Valery's Law
History is the science of what never happens twice.
%%
Darrow's Comment on History
History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with
history.
%%
Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Research
1. Deny the last established truth on the list
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the list.
%%
Meredith's Law for Graduate School Survival
Never let your major professor know that you exist.
%%
Ellard's Law
Those who want to learn will learn.
Those who do not want to learn will lead enterprises.
Those incapable of either learning or leading will regulate
scholarship and enterprise to death.
%%
Seeger's Law
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
%%
Vile's Law of Grading Papers
All papers after the top are upside-down or backwards, until
you right the pile. Then the process repeats.
%%
Bogovich's Law
He who hesitates is probably right.
%%
Pickett's Twelfth Law of False Prolificacy
Never invent the first eleven rules.
%%
Brintnall's Second Law
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
%%
Johnson's Law
The number of minor illnesses among the employees is
inversely proportional to the health of the organisation.
%%
Sandiland's Law
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be
wasted.
%%
Doane's Laws of Procrastination
1. The more proficient one is at procrastination, the less
proficient one need be at all else.
2. The slower one works, the fewer mistakes one makes.
%%
Eddie's First Law of Business
Never conduct negotiations before 10 a.m. or after 4 p.m.
Before 10 you appear too anxious, and after 4 they think
you're desperate.
%%
Gluck's First Law
Whichever way you turn upon entering an elevator, the
buttons will be on the opposite side.
%%
Lynch's Law
The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.
%%
Fox on Yesmanship
It's worth scheming to be the bearer of good news.
    Corollary:
Don't be in the building when bad news arrives.
%%
Connor's Second Law
If something is confidential, it will be left in the
photocopier machine.
%%
Langsam's Ornithological Axiom
It's difficult to soar with eagles when you work with
turkeys.
%%
O'Toole's Axiom
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
%%
Relativity for Children
Time moves slower in a fast moving vehicle.
%%
Diner's Dilemma
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
%%
Thiessen's Law of Gastronomy
The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the
softness of the roll.
%%
Bell's Theorem
When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
%%
Sitzer's Vacation Principle
When packing for a holiday, take half as much clothing and
twice as much money.
%%
Snider's Law
Nothing can be done in one trip.
%%
Pope's Law
Chipped dishes never break.
%%
The Pet Principle
No matter which side of the door the dog or cat is on, it is
the wrong side.
%%
Boren's Law for Cats
When in doubt, wash.
%%
Horowitz' Law
Whenever you turn on the radio, you hear the last few notes
of your favourite song.
%%
Gerard's Law
When there are sufficient funds in the bank account, cheques
take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds,
cheques clear overnight.
%%
Law of Supermarkets
The quality of the house brand varies inversely with the
size of the supermarket chain.
%%
Pantuso's First Law
The book you spent $29.95 for today will come out in
paperback tomorrow.
%%
Riley's Law of Sequels
1. Stores that sell volume one will not know of volume two.
2. Stores that sell volume two will be out of volume one.
%%
Vile's Law of Value
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for
repairs.
%%
Glaser's Law
If it says, "One size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
%%
Stenderup's Law
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to
catch up.
%%
Dorr's Law of Athletics
In an otherwise empty locker room, any two individuals will
have adjoining lockers.
%%
Laws of Practice
Plays that work in theory do not work in practice.
Plays that work in practice do not work during the game.
%%
Phillips' Law
Four-wheel-drive just means you can get stuck in even more
inaccessible places.
%%
Crosby's Law
You can tell how bad a musical is by how many times the
chorus yells, "Hooray!"
%%
Byrne's Law of Concreting
When you pour, it rains.
%%
Fulton's Law of Gravity
The effort to catch a falling, breakable object will produce
more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall
in the first place.
%%
Vile's Laws of Advanced Queuemanship (1)
1. If you're running for a short queue, it suddenly becomes
a long queue.
2. When you're waiting in a long queue, the people behind
you are shunted to a new, short queue.
3. If you step out of a short queue for a second, it becomes
a long queue.
%%
Vile's Laws of Advanced Queuemanship (2)
4. If you're in a short queue, the people in front let in
their friends and relatives and make it a long queue.
5. A short queue outside a building becomes a long queue
inside.
6. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a queue.
%%
Laws of Postal Delivery
1. Love Letters, business contracts and money you are due
always arrive three weeks late.
2. Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
%%
McLaughlin's Law
In a key position in every genealogy you will find a John
Smith from London.
%%
Wright's Law
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only
advise his client to plant vines.
%%
Rush's Rule of Gravity
When you drop change at a vending machine the small change
will fall nearby while all other coins will roll out of
sight.
%%
Reynold's Law of Climatology
Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the
hairdo.
%%
Zappa's Law
There are two things on earth that are universal, hydrogen
and stupidity.
%%
Weatherwax' Postulate
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in
inverse proportion to its accuracy.
%%
Thiessen's Law of Art
The overwhelming prerequisite for the greatness of an artist
is that artist's death.
%%
First Rule of Acting
Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
%%
Python's Principle of TV Morality
There is nothing wrong with sex on television, just as long
as you don't fall off.
%%
Livingston's Laws of Fat
1. Fat expands to fill any apparel worn.
2. A fat person walks in the middle of the hall.
    Corollary:
Two fat people will walk side by side, whether they know
each other or not.
%%
Law of Arrival
Those who live closest arrive latest.
%%
Voltaire's Law
There is nothing more respectable than an ancient evil.
%%
First Rule of Pathology
Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.
%%
Foster's Law
The only people who find what they are looking for in life
are the fault-finders.
%%
Steiner's Precepts
1. Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable.
2. Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.
%%
Hoffer's Law
When people are free to do as they please, they usually
imitate each other.
%%
Berra's First Law
You can observe a lot just by watching.
%%
Berra's Second Law
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
%%
Meadow's Maxim
You can't push on a rope.
%%
Oppenheimer's Law
There is no such thing as an instant experience.
%%
Disimoni's Rule of Cognition
Believing is seeing.
%%
Kierkegaard's Observation
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived
forwards.
%%
Lord Balfour's Contention
Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at
all.
%%
In time of prosperity friends will be plenty;
In time of adversity not one in twenty.
                                    - James Howell, Proverbs
%%
Never advise anyone to go to war or marry.
                                           - Spanish Proverb
%%
The only thing to do with advice is to pass it on. It is
never of any use to oneself.
                           - Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
%%
I am willing to love all mankind, except an American
                       - Samuel Johnson, in Boswell's "Life"
%%
The Maya regarded death as an antisocial act.
                  - Victor W. von Hagen, in Ralph Whitlock's
                                 "Everyday Life of the Maya"
%%
The Americans, like the English, probably make love worse
than any other race.
                        - Walt Whitman, "An American Primer"
%%
Art imitates nature as well as it can, as a pupil follows
his master; thus it is a sort of grandchild of God.
                                - Dante, "Inferno," Canto xi
%%
Art may make a suit of clothes, but Nature must produce a
man.
                   - David Hume, "Essays: The Epicurean," 15
%%
Beauty provoketh thieves sooner than gold.
                 - Shakespeare, "As You Like It," I, iii, 13
%%
A child tells in the street what its father and mother say
at home.
                                                - The Talmud
%%
Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,
as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them
with others.
                  - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too
fat to run.
                                - Elbert Hubbard, "Epigrams"
%%
Contempt penetrates even the shell of the tortoise.
                                           - Persian Proverb
%%
A man always chases a woman until she catches him.
                                                   - Unknown
%%
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his
legs.
                  - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
You know what a woman's curiosity is. Almost as great as a
man's!
                           - Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
%%
Curiosity: The reason why most of us haven't committed
suicide long ago.
                                                   - Unknown
%%
Men fear death as children fear to go in the dark; and as
that natural fear in children is increased with tales, so is
the other.
                         - Francis Bacon, "Essays: Of Death"
%%
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
                                          - Scottish Proverb
%%
Scepticism is the first step on the road to philosophy.
                                             - Denis Diderot
%%
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
                                             - Wilson Mizner
%%
There is not enough love and goodness in the world to throw
any of it away on conceited people.
                                       - Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
That all men are created equal is a proposition to which at
ordinary times no sane individual has ever given his assent.
                           - Aldous Huxley, "Proper Studies"
%%
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the
occurrence of the improbable.
                   - H. L. Mencken, "Prejudices", Series iii
%%
Faith is the antiseptic of the soul.
                  - Walt Whitman, "Leaves of Grass," preface
%%
For my part, I think that a knowledge of the future would be
a disadvantage.
                                  - Cicero, "De Devinatione"
%%
A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional
and are the portals of discovery.
                                    - James Joyce, "Ulysses"
%%
If God didn't exist, man would have to invent Him.
                                                  - Voltaire
%%
Man created God in his own image.
                    -Dunno, Someone must have said it before
%%
In other words, psychoanalysts relieve their patients from
feeling guilty about things of which they are not guilty,
and leave them with the sense of guilt about things of which
they really are guilty.
           - Gregory Zilboorg, "Psychoanalysis and Religion"
%%
It seems, in fact, as though the second half of a man's life
is made up of nothing but the habits he has accumulated
during the first half.
                         -Feodor Dostoevski, "The Possessed"
%%
People are either born hosts or born guests.
                                              - Max Beerbohm
%%
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
                                           - Albert Einstein
%%
It is true that liberty is precious - so precious that it
must be rationed.
                                             - Nikolai Lenin
%%
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.
            - T. S. Eliot, "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
%%
Were it offered to my choice, I should have no objection to
a repetition of the same life from its beginnings, only
asking the advantages authors have in a second edition to
correct some faults.
                             - Ben Franklin, "Autobiography"
%%
I have never loved anyone of love's sake, except, perhaps,
Josephine - a little.
                                        - Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
When povertie comes in at doores, love leapes out at
windowes.
                               - John Clark, "Paroemiologia"
%%
Man is a rope stretched between the animal and the superman
- a rope oven an abyss.
           - Friedrich W. Nietzsche, "Thus Spake Zarathutra"
%%
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is
difference of opinion that makes horse-races.
                - Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%%
Public opinion is stronger than the legislature, and nearly
as strong as the Ten Commandments.
                - Charles D. Warner, "My Summer in a Garden"
%%
Optimism: The doctrine or belief that everything is
beautiful, including what is ugly.
                      - Ambrose Bierce, "Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere
else. This is not advice, it is merely custom.
                                     - Mark Twain, "Diaries"
%%
No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach.
                            - William C. Brann, "Iconoclast"
%%
Peace rules the day, where reason rules the mind.
                                 - William Collins, "Hassan"
%%
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason
He made so many of them.
                                           - Abraham Lincoln
%%
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
                                     - Robert Frost, Address
%%
When I was called upon to be Prime Minister, now nearly two
years ago, there were not many applicants for the job. Since
then perhaps the market has improved.
                      - Winston Churchill, Speech, Jan. 1942
%%
"Oh, God, if I were sure I were to die tonight I would
repent at once." It is the commonest prayer in all
languages.
                      - James M. Barrie, "Sentimental Tommy"
%%
I'm quite illiterate, but I read a lot.
                      - J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
%%
In science the credit goes to the man who convinces the
world, not to the man to whom the idea first occurs.
                                         - Sir William Osler
%%
All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full.
                                        - Ecclesiastes, i, 7
%%
Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found nothing
left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.
                 - Sydney Smith, in Lady Holland's "Memoirs"
%%
The secret of teaching is to appear to have known all your
life what you learned this afternoon.
                                                   - Unknown
%%
Climate is a theory. Weather is a condition.
                                            - Oliver Herford
%%
We may achieve climate, but weather is thrust upon us.
                                 -O. Henry, "Fog in Santone"
%%
The writers who have nothing to say are the ones you can
buy; the others have too high a price.
                    - Walter Lippmann, "Preface to Politics"
%%
"I once knew someone," said Bourdin, "who heard the clock
strike four one day, just as he was falling asleep, and he
counted like this: 'One, one, one, one.' Then, when he
realized how ridiculous that was, he said, 'The clock has
gone crazy: it struck one o'clock four times!' "
     - R Balmes, quoted by Georges Ifrah, "From One to Zero"
%%
Doctor:  You need glasses.
Patient: How did you know?
Doctor:  I could tell as soon as you walked through the
  window.
%%
When my friend John King was staying with us, he broke his
newly capped front tooth so he went to my dentist. The
receptionist filled in his details as follows:
    Name: King, John
    Complaint: Crown came off.
%%
"Mummy, does God use our bathroom?"
"No darling, why?"
"Because every morning Daddy bangs on the door and shouts,
'Oh God, are you still in there?' "
%%
There was a young lady from Gloucester
Whose parents thought they had lost her
    From the fridge cam a sound
    And at last she was found
The trouble was - how to defrost her
%%
There was a young bard from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
    When they said it was so
    He replied, "Yes, I know,
But I always make a rule of trying to get just as many words
    into the last line as I possibly can."
%%
A girl who weighed many an oz.
Used language I dare not pron oz.
    For a fellow unkind
    Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see (so he said) if she'd bounce
%%
There was a young lady named Perkins
Who was terribly fond of small gherkins
    One evening at tea
    She consumed forty-three
And pickled her internal workings
%%
                Bulldog for sale.
     Will eat anything. Very fond of children.
%%
Rich customer on phone to fishmonger: Please deliver me a
  dozen oysters, not too large, not too small, not very old,
  not tough and not sandy.
Fishmonger: Certainly, madam. With or without pearls?
%%
"Now Sally, don't you know you are not supposed to eat with
your knife?"
"Yes, Mother, but my fork leaks."
%%
Parson: Do you say your prayers before dinner, Andrew?
Andrew: No sir, my Mum's a good cook.
%%
Waiter: How did you find your steak, sir?
Diner:  Quite by accident. I moved a few peas, and there it
  was.
%%
The bionic man was stopped at 115 mph on the M6 - he was
fined fifteen pounds and dismantled for 6 months.
%%
My mother was born in Iceland and my father is from Cuba.
Does that make me an ice cube?
%%
"Johnson, stop showing off. Do you think you're the teacher
of this class?"
"No, sir."
"Right, then stop behaving like a fool."
%%
"Come on, you'll be late for school."
"Shan't," came the reply from the bathroom.
"Why, what's wrong?"
"The teachers hate me and the kids despise me."
"I'll give you two good reasons why you should go."
"What are they?"
"One - you're forty-one, and two - you're the headmaster."
%%
Woman in a greengrocer's: One pound of mixed nuts, and not
too many coconuts, please.
%%
A small boy noticed a cageful of green parakeets in a pet
shop as he and his mother walked past. "Look, mother," he
said, "there are some canaries that aren't ripe yet."
%%
"I've come to tune your piano."
"But we didn't send for you."
"No, but your neighbours did."
%%
*** NEWSBREAK *** NEWSBREAK *** NEWSBREAK *** NEWSBREAK ***
A man found guilty of sticking green stamps on his insurance
card was given a three-month jail sentence and an electric
kettle.
%%
"Are my car indicators working?"
"Yes, no, yes, no . . . "
%%
Customer in a hurry at a garage: Don't bother with the
petrol, just give me the stamps.
%%
"Still on crutches, old man?"
"Yes, I'll never jump over the net at table tennis again."
%%
Announcment at a village match: "For the benefit of the
players, here are the names of the spectators."
%%
if you get gloomy just take an hour off and sit and think
how much better this world is than hell
of course it won t cheer you up much if you expect to go
there
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
if monkey glands did restore your youth
what would you do with it question mark
just what you did before interrogation point
yes i thought so exclamation point
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a
little difficult to get it to the mint
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
don t cuss the climate
it probably doesn t like you any better
than you like it
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
the honey bee is sad and cross
and wicked as a weasel
and when she perches on you boss
she leaves a little measle
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
insects have their own point of view about civilization
a man thinks he amounts to a great deal but to a flea or
mosquito a human being is merely something good to eat
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
i once heard the survivors of a colony of ants that had been
partially obliterated by a cow s foot seriously debating the
intention of the gods towards their civilization
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
you want to know whether i believe in ghosts
of course i do not believe in them
if you had known as many of them as i have you would not
believe in them either
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
the high cost of living isn t so bad it you don t have to
pay for it
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
there is always something to be thankful for you would not
think that a cockroach had much ground for optimism
but as the fishing season opens up i grow more and more
cheerful at the thought that nobody ever got the notion
of using cockroaches for bait
                        - Don Marquis, "archy and mehitabel"
%%
I eat my peas with honey
  I've done it all my life
It makes the peas taste funny
  But it keeps them on my knife
%%