BEOND ETERNIT                                  ISSN 1203-5416
                 Episode 10 <-->  October 1996
Sanjay Singh                            eternity@cyberspace.org
_______________________________________________________________

     "Do you know one of the ways that movies are still better
     than playback?  It's because when it ends the music comes
     on and the credits roll up and you know it's over... "
     [Strange Days]


     I know... I promised you a lot more than I'm giving you this
month... but you'll just have to hear me out tonight.

     This is it.  We've hit the end of the road... after this,
there won't be anymore 'us'.  Eternity is boiling away into the
ether.  It's over.  No matter how many times I say that, it's still
leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

     Something got broken inside of me lately.  I'm not sure when
it happened, and I'm not really sure what it was... all I know is
that something's broken.  I used to get blocked on occasion, there
were times when I really just didn't have anything I felt like
saying... but even through all that, I managed to put together an
issue each and every month.

     Personally, I think that recently each issue was getting a bit
better than the last.  I know that I was having more fun than ever
writing for you, and I'd like to think that some of that came
through the in text.

     But this is a decision that I had to make.  Time's getting
tight again, and I really hate living on borrowed time.  Something
had to get pushed away for a bit... Eternity took the fall for the
rest of me.

     For what it's worth, I'm keeping the mailing list.  I may feel
like starting some new soon, and if I do, you'll be the first to
hear of it.

     If anyone is interested, I'm still around for discussions or
just shouting matches.  Feel free to drop me a line whenever you
feel like it.  I've talked to a lot of you and I've learned more
from you than I thought was possible.  Believe it or not, I thought
of you all as friends.  Or at least as people I could call up once
a month and talk to for a while.

     Anyway, that's enough chatter...  We've got an issue to get
to, right?  I've never been good at good-byes, so I'd better get to
the point before the fear sets in and I freeze up.

     Good night.

     Sanjay

     (I messed up and forgot to rewatch Strange Days this
     weekend when I had the chance... so I took the opening
     quotation from memory.  I'm close, but I know something's
     not quite right... sorry.)


Contents
========
   - End Of The Road
   - The Joke's On Me
   - All The Same Inside [by Professor Zen]
   - Constant Change [by Greg Webster]
   - Mystic Revelations [by Mark Wood]
   - What Took ou So Long?
   - Administrivia
   - Rules Of The Game


The Joke's On Me
================
     "A couple months ago I noticed that I hadn't really
     laughed for a long time...  That's come back quite well,
     I'm enjoying more things...  I'd say that I've almost
     completely recovered from the past few years, still
     cynical, but not really bitter."  [Greg Webster]

     I've picked up a new habit lately.  I'm noticing a lot of the
details in my life.  It all started out when Greg pointed out to me
what the initials for Beyond Eternity spelt out.  It was just one
of those little coincidences that you take for granted until
someone notices it for you.  Greg did it for me.

     Since then I've been on a bit of a mission to try and find all
of the other little things that I've been missing.  One of them was
just laughing at the world... laughing at myself... laughing.

     I've been far too serious for far too long.  I'm not as bad in
person as I am in text (you'll have to take my word for this one),
but face to face isn't that much of an improvement either.

     The story that I'm about to tell took place a bit before I
went on my mission, but I think it's part of what made me decide
that I wanted to laugh.  It might have even been an epiphany... but
I'm getting too far ahead of myself here:

     I was driving home from the mall, and all of a sudden this
song comes on the radio by a group called the Refreshments.  I had
heard the song before, but I'd never really paid attention to the
lyrics...  But this day was a little different... and for some
reason, my brain came into focus just as these lines was starting:

     "And who ever said there's nothing new under the sun
      Never thought much about individuals
      But he's dead anyways."

     And I couldn't stop laughing.  And this was no mere chuckle
either.  We're talking about a deep down, straight from the gut
laugh.  My heart and my mind have rarely agreed on anything, but
they did it again this time, and you could hear the agreement in
the laughter.  I loved those lines... you can probably guess why... 
Later in the week I picked up the album.

     I want that back though.  For a while nothing else mattered in
the universe except for my happiness.  It was just fun and I was
just happy.


All The Same Inside
===================
     "So long as men desire to live, I cannot lose my battle."
     [Ayn Rand]

by:  Professor Zen [an118926@anon.penet.fi]
     from Zen Anarchy #19

     I've been having a e-mail conversation with a freelance
journalist friend in Los Angeles, who is a devout liberal in every
sense of the word.   Mention that you like the fifties and she
thinks you mean that you want to go back to the days when women
stayed at home and raised the kids.  ou get the picture.

     Well, she was robbed outside a restaurant in West Hollywood,
at gunpoint, not long ago.  Jokingly I asked her if that changed
her mind and she would vote Republican now.  She responded to the
extent that if the Republicans got back in to power that blacks,
not to mention women, would have no chance of getting any jobs.  I
responded that we would need someone to write the propaganda, so
she would always have a job.

     The reason I preface this is that it got me to thinking.  I
don't know one person that wouldn't love to have everyone working,
no crime, and affordable housing, health care, etc...  I'd love to
see a more utopian world.  I guess the big difference is how we'd
like to see this done.

     I can't speak for my friend, but I'd love to see a totally
colour blind society.  I'd like to see job interviews done by a
prospective employee speaking in to a microphone which filters and
changes their voice to the prospective employer.  That way you get
someone, hopefully, who is hired on their merits, not because of
their skin colour or lack of it, etc...

     I'd love for everyone to have a job, but I know that isn't
realistic.  There is a certain segment of the society that would
need to be taken care of.  Say for example it's 5%.  Fine.  The
other 95% of the population could be doing something.  It doesn't
take a village to figure this out, much less a bunch of addle
brained politicians or sheep.  All it takes is a bunch of people
waking up to reality.

     I have ideas which, if I put in to production, could
conceivably make me even more money than I have now.  Lots more. 
But when I see the amount of paperwork that we have to do, and I'm
talking useless paperwork here -- surveys, etc..., I really don't
want to open a business in this country.  I'd love to, but the
amount of bull-shit you have to put up with isn't worth it.  I'd
rather go over to Scotland, talk to the local government there, and
arrange to open up a plant to employ the people of the community
and work with the government rather than for them.  Maybe I could
negotiate the castle I've always wanted to boot.  Now if they'd
just throw in the Harley...

     I think that we agree more than she'd care to admit.  I'm not
as cruel as the general media would love to paint me, and she's
nowhere near as stupid as the ultra conservative pundits would
describe her.  We both believe, I think, in the same core issues,
but the only place we seem to disagree is how to solve the
problems.  I think she'd throw a lot more money at things than I
would, but I like to know how my money is going to work rather. 
She would be more likely to give money to a homeless person, while
I wouldn't.  That doesn't mean that I have no regard for the
homeless, but I've seen too many rip off artists working a great
scam and getting off tax free.

     Now I know that you are probably saying to yourself right now,
"Gee, what's wrong with that?"  Well, if dickhead numbers one
through infinity can get away with it, why can't I?  Could it be
because I actually HAVE money God forbid I actually be in control
of my life.  Now maybe if I started shooting up heroin, these
idiots would maybe, just maybe, leave me the hell alone...

     Wishful thinking.  I'd probably get an NEA grant.  Then where
would my life be?


Constant Change
===============
     "Change is the only thing that you can expect."
     [Jaymi Wiley]

by Greg Webster [kick@vcn.bc.ca]

     Anyone reading this is just as qualified to write this as I
am. 

     Every one of us is an expert in change, we've all grown up,
we've all had up and downs, we've all had hurt and happiness. 
We've had unexpected things happen, and we've all gradually shifted
our personalities and ideas into the people we are now.

     A while back when I was taking a bit of schooling in the
career counselling field, the facilitator for my course called my
classmates and I 'change experts', and explained to me what I've
just told you. Strange, you know, how much that course changed me.

     In the past two years, I've fought change with every bit of my
being.  I've dealt with relationships building and falling apart,
people moving far away, and new friends coming into my life, and to
be honest, I tried to stop every bit of it from happening.

     Even the good things worked this way, I didn't accept new
people (and I admit this is still something I'm working on) very
quickly, and my first instinct was to distrust.  When the
relationships were starting, I was more afraid of them happening
than looking forward to them blossoming. 

     Basically, because change is change, I tried to make sure it
never happened.

     Every change is hard, even the happiest are painful.  If
you're interested sometime, ask a medical professional about the
'holiday jump'.  On birthdays, vacations, and other major holidays,
people have more heart attacks, more accidents, and basically, more
people die.  The stresses pile up, the changes get too much for us,
and something snaps. So, after the arguments over the Christmas
table, Mom worrying about how the birthday cake or the turkey
dinner looks, we've all learned that change is a bad thing.  

     It's something to be avoided when you can, and something to do
as  quickly and painlessly as possible when you can't.

     But I look back on all the really big changes in my life and
think about how (and who) I'd be if I didn't do them.  If I hadn't
had my last relationship, I wouldn't have ever realized in the same
way how much I want to settle down and someday be someone's Daddy. 
If I hadn't ran away from my home city to hitchhike across the
country, I'd never have truly understood how much I needed to
leave.  If I hadn't gone back to school, I wouldn't have known how
much I love to teach people. 

     Not that any of these things were easy.

     The relationship was nearly over before it began, and then
burst into flames at the end.  When I got across the country all
the jobs I expected were gone.  Trying to find work after finishing
some schooling has taken 9 months.

     But I don't wish I hadn't done any of them.  While they were
happening, it sure crossed my mind to quit, but something told me:
"Hey, you're doing the right thing, stick around".

     Mistakes happened, I learned from them.  It ended up that
those mistakes were the most important things I did.  There were
lessons I could not possibly have learned any other way. 

     It's a cliche, but true:  "The only constant is change".  We
get so used to it, that it's only the very obvious ones that bother
us.  We let them get to us, they stress us out, and eventually the
tension has to go somewhere.  We can either learn to accept it, and
just let off the steam, knowing that in the long run things don't
really matter, or we can snap.

     I choose acceptance when I can.  The best change I can make in
myself to is do that more often.

     Take care folks.


Mystic Revelations
==================
     "It is always the same: once you are liberated, you are
     forced to ask who you are."  [Jean Baudrillard]

     (No, I haven't changed my views on religion... but I've
     found that sometimes a 'touched by God' story can be told
     so well that it transcends belief.  How the revelation
     came about can sometimes be less important that what the
     revelation was.)

Mark Wood [markw@southeast.net]

     I assume that if you are reading this... that I am dead,
physically that is.  I can think of no other circumstance that
would involve a stranger reading my journal. ou will no doubt at
some point ask yourself, why did he spend so much time inside his
home.  I spent very little time "inside" my home.  While my body
has been in here for some years... my spirit knows no limits.  As
a being who has chosen to live on the level of intellect and spirit
I have set my soul free to wander.  I am not sure that I can
explain to you what I see, when I look at the world.  Imagine
glowing aspects of a single manifestation.  That missed.

     With the understanding of the workings of God, that which is
just below the obvious... the under pinnings of reality.  I could
spend years simply examining the wonder of a dust mote that I hold
suspended in time before my "eyes".  That missed.  OK, this is to
important to not cut closer then that.  I will try again.

     The world is a glittering jewel reflected in the eye of its
creator.  When the veil was ripped aside and I could finally see
reality as it truly was, what was revealed was a pattern of energy
that was manifested by the information that was encompassed by the
wave front of now that we call God.  What anchors me to here is my
flesh.  When I shed the flesh I will be like a caterpillar that
sheds its first form and becomes a butterfly.  My time of
transfiguration is near, this blessing AIDS, all is proceeding as
it should.  Since it is.  While we all must start as spirit.  We
also must spend time as flesh.  Why this is so?  I do not know.  In
the beginning when I first came here to this world as flesh, I was
not a blank slate.  No one is really a blank slate when they are
born.  Rather we are a bundle of inclination.  We are inclined in
a certain direction.  I am not speaking of the tired argument of
nature or nurture.  That is of the flesh and is secondary to that
which is really me.  I do not know why God splits off an
uncountable number of levels of energy and then allows them a
pattern of their own making.  Perhaps it is similar to a computer
running multiple copies of the same application, each one trying to
solve a different area of the same problem.  This multi-tasking
speeds things up in terms of solving a problem.  I believe that
this is closer to the true reality of God.  The universe is many
things. 

     It is a work of art. 

     It is an environment which allows great diversity.

     It is God itself, a series of objects made manifest so that an
answer can be found.

     What is the question?  es that is the 64 million dollar
question, is it not?  The pattern that we see, the perfection that
we see... this wave front called now.

     We are not mindless probes, God is too loving and
compassionate for that.  A loving God would never so misuse us. 
Our God does not misuse us.  Believe and be comforted.  our
suffering does not go unnoticed.  Still if God had chosen to create
an environment that enforced a value system upon you how could the
answer be found?  ou see, we are allowed the great kindness called
free will.

     Many think that the animals are merely programmed organic
machines without "souls" or choice in their behaviour.  This is not
true.  Anyone who has ever spent any time at all with animals who
are free (not in a cage or domesticated) realize that animals make
choices every moment of their lives just as we do.  I will not bore
you by sighting examples of behaviour that proves that animals make
choices, have feelings, worry and yes even worship God in their own
way.  We are not the ultimate achievement of God and God's wisdom. 

     All the manifestations of matter, energy and life are part of
a wondrous creation that is here for a purpose.  Does this mean
that God has set this mechanism going rather like winding a clock
and then let it go and sits back to take notes... nothing could be
further from the truth.  The God that made warm, wet, passionate,
feeling and thinking creatures is also not some remote being
sitting upon mount Olympus and destroying our lives for
entertainment.  God is a loving God.  God is a compassionate God. 
When the great thinkers of the past described the creation of man
they were not far off of the target when they said that God made us
in God's own image.  We are a precious thing in the eyes of God. 
et we are no more wondrous or precious then an amoeba or an ant. 
I am God as you are God.  et we are not that which created and
released the energy of the first singularity.  We are aspects of
God, we are creatures of the spirit made manifest in the flesh and
given freedom to choose.  When the time of the flesh is over we
return to the spirit and we are merged with the ever flowing spring
of the spirit of God.  All that is, all that exists, everything
that is... is a manifestation of God/s love and wisdom.  My God is
all powerful, my God is omnipresent, my God is all knowing... that
is, my God knows all that God knows.  What God does not know the
manifestation of God that we call the universe will reveal to God. 

     That is a bit sticky, I know.  ou are wondering to
yourself... how can I know this?  The truth is that I can't know
this in complete certainty.  I am not the spring, I am the water
that flows through the spring.  God is the head water of all
knowledge, energy and that which sustains the pattern.  I observe
the pattern.  From observation and revelation I have drawn these
conclusions.  Are they correct?  In an infinite universe, with an
infinite and all powerful God it is possible for an independent
facet of God to exist for every living thing.  My imagery may not
satisfy your needs.  Fear not the God that you worship does exist. 
In such a universe there is room enough for all aspects to be, and
to be correct.  There is no contradiction here.  With an infinite
being there are no limits.  For terms of description it is fine to
say that the universe is infinite.  In reality this is not so.  The
universe is just very big.  So big in fact that we could spend
hundreds of millions of years and never see the boundaries... yet
boundaries do exist.  ou may ask what is outside of the universe
that represents a boundary?  It is not like that.  It is more like
the ripples in a lake when you throw a stone on its calm surface. 
Except in the universe the expanding wavefront is creating new
"space" within the confines of its own wavefront. There is no
outside.  There is only the pattern of energy, the "wavefront" that
is God itself.  Within the boundaries of the wavefront there is
order and harmony.  This creation of order is the closest that we
can get to explaining that which is God.


What Took ou So Long?
======================
     "Once a profound truth has been seen, it cannot be
     'unseen'.  There's no 'going back' to the person you
     were.  Even if such a possibility did exist... why would
     you want to?"  [Dave Sim]

     I was talking to a friend the other night.  It was supposed to
be a quick call, just to make sure that everything was just ducky
in his world.  I ended up getting a lot more than I bargained for.

     I know of this friend because he was trying to get at my quote
list and he was having some problems.  I did what I could to help
out, and against some pretty tough odds, here we are, about a year
later... a little bit older, and an awful lot wiser.  And I think
that this is the last story that I want to share with you.

     In this conversation my friend mentioned the quotation that
stuck in his mind when he went through the list (I hope I'm not
reading too much into the conversation here).  It was, "Life is
pain, and anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you
something."

     He mentioned his surprise that that was all that I got out of
'The Princess Bride'.  When he mentioned it, I was knocked back a
step or two.

     When I first saw the movie (so very long ago) it was a great
comedy.  It's probably only been in the past year that I've
realized what it really was:  One of the greatest love stories that
I've been told.  (Mind you, I also rank "Strange Days" and "The
Crow" as the other two great love stories so my labels my not be
worth much to you.)

     But why?  Why was that the only thing I took away?  I guess
that I really was that hell-bent on my own pain.  I didn't want a
world that didn't have any, because if there was no pain... there
would be no me.  Too hurt to live, too afraid to die.  I was stuck
in my own limbo.

     Wrong!  Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.  I made it out.  I
escaped.  Like I've said before... eternity was my sentence. 
Guilty for an eternity.  Afraid for an eternity.  Beaten for an
eternity.

     It was probably the mark of my greatest failure and somehow it
turned into the name of my triumph.  My victory.  My salvation.

     I may not have told you this before, but when I started the
journey, I didn't believe in much of anything, certainly not in
hope.

     Some things don't change... and I can still say that I don't
believe in all that much but I have managed to find the hope that
was missing from my life for such a long time.

     No, not every day is like a day on the farm and not every meal
is a banquet... but not every experience has to hurt either.

     If nothing else, that's what you've taught me.  I just thought
I'd share that.

     Good night folks... and have a good...  Hell, I'll see you in
a bit.


Administrivia...
================
     Beyond Eternity (ISSN 1203-5416) was a monthly serial that was
written (for the most part) and compiled by Sanjay Singh, and then
edited by Paul Sheen and Sanjay Singh.  ou can find every single 
issue from any of these places...

mail:     eternity@cyberspace.org
web:      http://www.interlog.com/~vash
ftp:      ftp.etext.org:  /pub/Zines/Eternity/
gopher:   gopher.etext.org  (follow the prompts)
usenet:   alt.zines

subscriptions: I guess there's not much need for this section
               anymore.  Still, if you've found this copy and you
               want to be kept up to date about whatever is coming
               next... drop me a line, and I'll put you on the
               list.

     I hope that this was as good for you as it was for me.


Rules Of The Game
=================
     I take full responsibility of the overall content here.  There
might be other writers but what goes into this is my choice. 
Copyright is held by whoever wrote the article, and if it doesn't
say who they were, then it was me.  I'd strongly suggest asking
them for permission before you reprint anything that was written in
here (this includes my stuff).  Chances are that I won't object,
but I'd still like to know.

Sanjay Singh (09/29/96)