A DEDICATION: CAROL LYNN MCINTYRE By L. Tyler, P.O. Box 620763, San Diego, CA 92162-0763; oldservant@delphi.com mark541@hotmail.com © 1988, Please obtain permission before using this. She is black and so many delicious shades of brown. Her skin looks more delicious than anything I have ever eaten. She moves gracefully with strength and purpose in her steps, unaware of her awesome beauty. I call out her precious name, almost to make sure she's real and not a dream. She turns and looks me in the eye and then suddenly smiles so radiantly I almost lose my breath. It seems as if she glows! I drink her in as she flows towards me with her arms open wide. The face I see is Love. How I love her eyes and her mouth, filled with kindness and gentleness----from which I fear no hurt or unkindness. She laughs and it sounds like music. We touch and my heart soars. We embrace and I put my lips on her delicious skin. She is so delicious it is hard to keep my mouth off of her. As the Sun shines on her clean, soft and oiled skin I'm fascinated by the tiny tints of red, orange, yellow and all the browns that twinkle up at me. She is sooooo soft and firm, so full of life! We look into each others' eyes, hers sparkling----we look long and deep and our souls touch---and then suddenly it seems a cloud of uncertainty, self-doubt, personal fears, or haunting memories moves across her face and the lovely pools of her eyes are troubled. I kiss her passionately and hold her ever so close, wishing I could pull right into my heart and soul and bathe her in my love, wanting to make it all right for her. Hesitantly I look again hoping her radiance has returned and Yes! the cloud has passed and her face is radiant again. What I see in her face fills my heart. All is well. We two as one set out together to face and deal with our world. We faced our world together so much in love. I thought she was so incredibly wonderful moving there before me bare and beautiful that honeymoon night. I thought I had been given the most wonderful queen for my heart to love. I worshipped her in her dark beauty. How could I be so blessed? In ecstasy she said she could make love all night long that Halloween weekend. Halloween darkness and death covered my eyes and blinded me. It polluted my mind and it whispered "You are not good enough for her. She will find out that you aren't good enough for her and she will leave you for another." The hissing lie believed, my heart deceived, my soul backed off and the work of death began. My queen now became my torment, her excellence rebuking me for being so presumptuous as to dare to mingle with the gods by loving one of their own. My heart was chilled with fear that my wonderful goddess would suddenly see me as I really was and her passionate desire would turn to loathing. Couldn't she see I was all crippled and broken inside? The golden spell that had blessed our courtship was cracking apart as some dark frozen glacier, one small piece at a time. She said she loved me for my voice before we met. When we met I was so amazed my mouth hung open in amazement and my eyes couldn't open wide enough to behold her glory. Her laughter rang like bells and chimes all about us. She flowed to me and into my life. My heart opened wider than my eyes and welcomed her in, pouring my love upon her in every way I could imagine. She felt more loved than she had ever felt before. She gave herself to me in our engagement and our bodies merged into oneness as our souls had. I accepted her love without reservation and gave her my love without reservation. She blessed me in the same manner. I felt my soul could fly no higher. I forgot she was a mere mortal with a tender heart and a history of adversities. I forgot that her heart was as tender as her breasts. I forgot that though she was bold and out going like her breasts, she was as sensitive as they and in need of support and protection. Blinded by unreasoned love I thought her to be a goddess and worshipped her, when she wanted me to lead her in the worship of my Jesus. Blinded by unreasoned love she thought me above weakness and fear. So when that Halloween darkness crept into my soul, and in its brokenness and open wounds the darkness found a hiding place, a place for it to root and grow. By that honeymoon night my soul became the prisoner of the fear of losing her love, fear of failing her, fear of not being enough for and fear of losing her to another. All she wanted me to do was just to keep on loving her as we had since our engagement. I stepped from the glorious light of our love into the wretched darkness of my fear. My darling Carol Lynn couldn't believe that her prince charming was dying within. She didn't feel the chill and darkness that had just entered the room. Fear leaves such devastation. In her torment she felt she was to blame for the cold iceman that I was becoming. She sought counsel, tried to provoke me, tried to make me jealous---each resulting in a veil of tears for her. Then my tormented goddess sought to kill herself if our love could not be restored. I asked her parents to come and get her since I was afraid to leave her alone----------they dragged her away from me as she wept and wailed begging me not to let them take her. I just stood there and watched. Oh God have mercy on my soul! The damned darkness of damned divorce crept between us. I begged her to return, begged for forgiveness and apologized for failing her-------but when she didn't answer for a week I sought the loving I yearned for in the arms of another wonderful dark queen. I had given up. I thought she would never come back to one so unworthy as I. I felt I had to have the love of a wonderful dark queen so that I could know that I was still lovable, that I could know the love of a wonderful dark queen again. My Lynn came that night and found me with the other. Her last words were "Oh no, Ron!!!!!!!! I never had another chance with her. Hollywood got her and messed her up so badly she had to have a total hysterectomy and was in pain daily taking powerful pain killers. She sought shelter and help in her childhood home with her parents. She built her nest in her childhood bedroom, her heart broken, her spirit twisted, her soul so gravely wounded that no one knew if she could ever fly again-------my Lynn who had soared in the heights with eagles and falcons. Her pain. The pain wouldn't stop. "Oh please make this pain stop! Let me take my pills. I have eaten and I'll just take these pain pills and lie down to rest. Oh! My soul is so weary! When will the pain stop? To sleep, yes sleep. I'm so tired. I'll just sleep a little. It's so good to be home where I can feel safe, with Dad here. I love him so much." And my beloved Carol Lynn McIntyre laid herself down to sleep in the bed of her childhood bedroom----so safe-- --safe at last. "What's wrong! I can't think---I feel so groggy. What's happening?! Oh God, I'm going to vomit! Help!----------" And as she inhaled that last time-----My queen! My goddess! My darling young wife-------------she inhaled her vomit and died. Oh God! Dear God! Would that it were I! Oh turn back the clock and take my soul instead! Oh God------my heart is broken! Why should I be above the ground and my brilliant and beautiful young Lynn, my dark queen, be there beneath the ground? Oh God be merciful to me! I feel the millstone around my neck. I don't deserve your forgiveness but I would die without it. Yet she lives and is loved in the deepest depths of my soul though the grief and pain wont let me dwell on my wonderful memories of her and us--- My Scotch-Irish-Welsh heart grieves over my dark Queen. God gave me a daughter who could pass for Lynn's sister, a wonderful woman, a daughter upon whom I can pour out all the love I feel for Lynn. And God showed me what I did wrong with Lynn and taught me how not to make those terrible mistakes again. My three wonderful daughters are the products of His Love working through me. I lost my dark queen, and He gave me three wonderful dark queens to help heal my grief. Thank you, Jesus! Dear God, please heal the hearts of Lynn's family. THE SONG OF SOLOMON 1:1 ¦ The song of songs, which is Solomon's. [ The Shulamite to her friends] 2. He should kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! [The Shulamite to Solomon, in the hearing of her friends] For your [sexual] loving is better than wine. 3. Your ointments smell sweetly; Your name is an ointment poured forth: Therefore do the [marriage-age] virgins love you. 4. Lead, drawing me along! [Her friends , the Daughters of Jerusalem ] --We will run after you! [The Shulamite to her friends ] The king has brought me into his chambers--- [Her friends, the Daughters of Jerusalem to Solomon; or Solomon's concubines/wives to him] -We will be glad and rejoice in you, We will remember your [sexual] loving more than wine. [ The Shulamite to the king ] They love you uprightly. [Shulamite] 5 I am black [as a raven], but beautiful, daughters of Jerusalem, As the tents of Kedar, As the curtains of Solomon. 6 Look not upon me, because I am black [as a raven]; Because the sun has looked upon me. My mother's children were angry with me: They made me keeper of the vineyards; Mine own vineyard have I not kept. [To Her Beloved] 7 ¦ Tell me, you whom my soul loves, Where you feed [your flock], Where you make it to rest at noon; For why should I be as one veiled Beside the flocks of your companions? [ Solomon, the shepherd lover, her Beloved; or her friends ] 8 If you know not, you fairest among women, Go out your way by the footsteps of the flock, And feed your young female goats beside the shepherds' booths. [Solomon, her Lover] 9 I compare you, my loving friend, To a mare in Pharaoh's chariots. 10 Your cheeks are comely with bead-rows, Your neck with ornamental chains. [The Daughters of Jerusalem] 11 We will make you bead-rows of gold With studs of silver. [The Shulamite] 12 ¦ While the king is at his round table, My spikenard sends forth its fragrance. 13 A bundle of myrrh is my beloved unto me; He shall pass the night between my breasts. 14 My beloved is unto me a cluster of henna-flowers In the vineyards of Engedi. [ Solomon, her Lover, The Beloved] 15 Behold, you are fair, my loving friend; Behold, you are fair: your eyes are [as] doves. [The Shulamite ] 16 Behold, you are fair, my well beloved, yea, pleasant; Also our bed is green. [The Shulamite ] 17 The beams of our houses are cedars, Our rafters are cypresses. [Shulamite] 2:1 I am a narcissus [a rose, a meadow-saffron] of Sharon, A lily of the valleys. [Solomon, the Beloved, her Lover] 2 As the lily among thorns, So is my loving friend among the daughters. [The Shulamite] 3 ¦ As the apple-tree among the trees of the wood, So is my well-beloved among the sons: In his shadow have I [intense] rapture and sit down; And his fruit is sweet to my taste. [The Shulamite to the Daughters of Jerusalem] 4 He has brought me to the wine-banqueting house, And his banner over me is [affectionate] love. 5 Sustain [and revive] me with raisin-cakes, Refresh [and support] me with apples; For I feel weak from [affectionate] love. 6 His left hand is under my head, And his right hand does [intentionally and intensely] embrace me. 7 I charge you, daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles, or by the hinds of the field, That you would not stir up, arouse or awaken [affectionate] love, Till it desire! There was a time on Camelot, in Oceanside, Ca, when two souls soared and flew.