CLOUDED THOUGHTS

I haven't been able to find time for writing phlog posts lately, in 
part because I've been wasting so much time getting distracted by 
thinking about topics for them, and about everything else in my 
life. My mind's been running away with itself constantly for the 
last week or so. So I've been building up a list of topics to write 
here about, but then I'm behind on everything because I've been 
daydreaming all day so I don't commit to actually writing about 
them.

At least one idea is really quite productive because I think it's 
an answer to a problem I've been pondering for a couple of years 
now: how to cheaply contruct a safe ramp to the garage/service 
platform I built for my car (hoping to find a cheap used car 
loading ramp online later, which hasn't happend). From no memorable 
source of inspiration I suddenly came up with using walls of car 
tyres with compacted earth (a technique used for building 
"Earthship" houses or retaining walls) and lining them one behind 
another, each row one tyre taller than the last to make steps, then 
use concrete over the steps to form a slope I can drive over. I 
found one study which shows a tyre wall should easily be strong 
enough, and they're one of the few things that are free in life 
because tyre shops usually have to pay people to dispose of old 
tyres. I just need to devote quite a few days to compacting earth 
into a total of about 70 old tyres, since I'm not a hippy who knows 
lots of long-haired people to come over and help for free like the 
Earthship builders seem to. At least I think if I can borrow the 
motorised fence post driver my father recently bought, that will 
help out with the compacting.

Anyway I'd be lying to say it was that sort of thing I've mainly 
been thinking about. A good 80% is probably just dreaming of women 
again. I've talked about all that before though, nothing changes, I 
still don't really know how to meet them, and I can't really get 
into talking about most of the nonsense men and women babble on 
about anyway, short of creating a completely false character to act 
out. But it does really piss me off when I see on TV some guy 
who'se been caught defrauding people, or addicted to drugs, or 
broke from compulsive gambling, or even convicted of rape, and THAT 
GUY has a girlfriend/wife. I mean, OK I don't know what the latest 
Facebook meme is, or the latest guy who kicked a ball to the right 
end of a field, or which celebrity did what to who, but surely I've 
got some edge over those guys, no? Well, I guess, evidently no.

But that gets me thinking I should at least try harder. Though it's 
tricky without really knowing anyone my age to begin with, and I 
gather those online dating services are basically built around 
exploting sexually frustrated guys like me for cash in exchange for 
sexy talk with women who are probably mostly AI-generated by the 
company itself these days anyway. Trying to chat up store workers 
is one opening, but it also seems to be considered harrassment now. 
Moreso at the nudist beach, when there are any women there at all, 
though usually some more do walk through fully clothed, but the 
younger women kind-of actively don't look at anyone, just straight 
ahead, which kind-of makes me wonder why they walk through there in 
the first place. Then there's the indirect walk I take to the 
beach, where I might smile and say hi to women walking the other 
way, and maybe get an acknowledgement, but nothing progresses from 
that either. Even if it did, I'd surely run into the same lack of 
things to talk about convincingly which keeps me from finding 
friends at social occasions anyway. In a way the nudist thing is 
the closest I come to an interest shared by some relatively 
meaningful number of women, as opposed to all my nerdy topics, but 
it's an awkward one in its own way I guess.

I did start feeding all these thoughts I suppose, since I 
downloaded some videos of naked women. I still don't really get 
into porn, but I just like to see them naked and leave the rest to 
my imagination, which has probably become over-fed now and 
increased the problem. Looking the P2P networks it's surprising how 
much male porn there is too. I assume it's mainly watched by gay 
men, but one silly thought I had was to video myself walking 
through my house naked and briefly talking about all the endless 
things I've imagined talking to a women about if I ever actually 
got one through the door, and maybe some of the places I've thought 
about having sex. Then say vaguely where I am in the world and put 
an email address on the screen where interested women can contact 
me and arrange a date. Even if it's 90% shared by gay men via P2P 
or porn websites, that keeps it out there on the internet for free 
and maybe besides them and fraudsters asking for money so they can 
catch a plane to see me etc., I'd eventually get a response from a 
girl I could practically meet? Pretty long odds, but maybe no worse 
than my feable attempts to chat up strangers, or getting led on 
forever by a dating site for a monthly fee? I'm probably on the 
internet naked somewhere already since I've seen gay men on the 
beach clearly filming or photographing me with smartphones before, 
and figured "who cares" (I've got no real 
public/professional/social image to be ruined by public proof that 
my penis exists).

My mind filled with all this nonsense, a day or two ago while I 
should have been working I ended up on a Wikipedia binge looking 
into the history of online dating sites. After all, maybe I'll 
start a trend for anonymous naked date-request videos and can set 
up my own dating website based around that? Yeah, I know that's 
crazy, but this is the way my thoughts have been going lately. 
Anyway I ended up going full-circle back to male-female interests 
with Wikipedia's page on Sex differences in social media use:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_differences_in_social_network_service_use
gopher://gopherpedia.com/0/Sex_differences_in_social_media_use

It's an interesting summary of, mostly dated, studies into the 
differences in social media use by men and women. The thing that 
intrigued me though was the word cloud at the top of the Web 
version, comparing words most frequently used by men and women on 
social media.

Personality, Gender, and Age in the Language of Social Media: The 
Open-Vocabulary Approach
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0073791

This inspired me to have a go at analysing my own word usage here 
in the phlog. But altogether I've spent most of my Saturday on that
and writing this post now, very much affirming my original point, 
and I'll spend hours more presenting and analysing that data, so 
I'm calling it quits at this point and there might be a follow-up 
post tomorrow, or in a week, month, year...

 - The Free Thinker