MY GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO GO ANTIQUING. I DIDN'T REALLY FEEL LIKE GOING SO I PULLED HER ASIDE AND SAID:

Western civilization is nearly over. The great flood is coming, only this time the flood will wipe the genetic slate clean, and DNA like yours and ours will be swirling around the toilet for one final flush, just as it should. Orwell said, if you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face - forever. That's pretty close, but instead of a boot it's a DC tactical parkour shoe, and the human face is smiling orgasmically for endless selfies. The face is smiling because we all crave drama and torment and punishment. We crave drama because when our lives are dramatic and miserable, they more closely resemble an episode of Sex and the City, or a Russel Brand/Zach Rogan romantic comedy, featuring some leg-spreading big-nosed casual dater as Lovable Everygirl Who Makes Jokes About Her Period. The conflict makes it feel like we're doing something other than just cumming and passing the time. We're all stars in our own movies and we crave BDSM whippings subconsciously. We are all deranged retar
ds and we deserve to be slaves. We need to be slaves. We need our mommy/daddy/nanny to hold our hands and tell us to be quiet and suck dick harder. Can you imagine the chaos that would result if everyone thought for themselves? Imagine what would happen if you took an average welfare recipient and put him in the Oval Office? This is all laid out in plain English in the introductory chapter of Propaganda.

We make the most important decisions the same way we make the (seemingly) least important decisions. We look at ukulele-driven upbeat advertisements, cute logos, pleasant-faced news anchors, The New York Times, and our stupid friends, and we choose our leaders the same way we choose toothpaste. Does your toothpaste have sodium lauryl sulfate in it (it does.)? Did you know that's an industrial floor cleaner? Do you ever wonder why your gums are receding and your mouth stinks? What brand of chains are you wearing. We deserve to have all our fuckin teeth fall out, just like we deserve to have our money taken away; to be spied on; to be tagged like zoo animals; to be welded shut inside a metal coffin and shot into space.

The world is ending so we might as well go check out some cool ANTIQUES. The world is on fire and no one smells the smoke, so let's go find a nice walnut hutch to put books (for display) and things in. Let's find a vase that you like, for our apartment, even though you never change the cat's litter box, because you are a leg-spreading casual-dater… Make sure the apartment is full of nice things, and even though I spend 45-minutes at a time tongue-kissing your hairy (why do you want me to shave? Are you a pedophile?) slit, you still think giving head is degrading and you refuse to do it. Don't wash any dishes babe, you're too beautiful. Oh, you're beautiful, you're beautiful. Let's find a wicker chair that you like. The most I'll ever make with my $180,000 graphic design degree is $25/hr, I'll do the math on that while you look at replica Eames chairs. You want nice dinners and a baby? Potluck dinners with friends? Nice dinners? A baby? Me too. Definitely want a lifetime anchor with you. Your pussy is just 
that good.You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met and I would love to spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to spend $50 on food per day, average. I bought something! I bought something!

THEN I KISSED HER ON THE FOREHEAD GENTLY. A PRINCESS KISS. BUT ALSO A WHORE'S KISS.