Clinton Bashing There were 3 high school-aged boys walking down the street in Washington. Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he's about to be hit by a car. So, they pull Bill out of the way and save his life. Bill says "Thank you for saving my life. I'll grant each of you one wish." The first boy says, "I want to go to Georgetown." Bill pulls some strings and gets the boy admitted. The second boy says "I want to get into West Point, but it normally requires a Congressional appointment". So Bill calls up his Democratic friends in Congress and gets the boy his appointment. The third boy says "I want to be buried in Arlington National Cemetary." Bill says "That's an odd request for a 17-year old!" The boy says "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved your life he's gonna kill me!" POLITICALLY INCORRECT DEFINITIONS OF WHAT BILL CLINTON'S REALLY SAYING What he says............................What he means ----------------------------------------------------------- "My fellow citizens"...................."Suckers" "I didn't inhale"......................."I think you're all idiots" "goals"................................."lies" "broad-based contributions"............."taxes" "investing in our infrastructure"......."pork-barrel spending" "spending cuts"........................."decimating the military" "jobs program".........................."military base lay-offs" "Vietnam"..............................."where?" "Attorney General"......................"the first semi-qualified woman I could find without a criminal record" "God bless America"....................."God help us, 'cause I don't have a clue" "Fairness".............................."screw all of you" "I feel your pain"......................"and I like it" "Economic program"......................see "investing in our infrastructure" "diversity"............................."millionaires" "opportunity"..........................."federal handout" "compassion"............................see "opportunity" "crime"................................."gun control/ban", ref "Attorney General" "deficit reduction".....................see "goals" and "Economic program" "foreign policy"........................see "Vietnam" and "spending cuts" "Health care reform"...................."nepotism", ref "broad-based contributions" "The Big Dinner in Los Gatos: After a couple of Cocktails, President Clinton and the entire Entourage were finally served. John Sculley was presented with Grilled Salmon, Garnished with a small bowl of Apple sauce. Hilliary Rodham had Breast of Chicken. Al Gore had Quail.... Of course. When the Waiter presented President Clinton with the finest Cut of Prime Rib you ever saw, He Looked at the plate and said " I ordered the Pork Chops!!" The Manager (Who was hovering at this point, said respectfully "Mr. President, I was there when you ordered and you requested the Prime Rib." Bill Replied "I never said that"..." US President Bill Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an appeal to sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets near a virgin.. In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that makes the U.S. Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS. President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia, and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare Air Force One. On the plane, the president looked down with his binoculars, and said "My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving -- where are our troops?" An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not Somalia. It's Arkansas." VoiceFromWhiteHouse> Sorry, but we just have to cut all our - non-essential staff here (voice revealed to be Hillary) Hillary> So, Bill, I'll give you 'til 5 to get out! Reporter 1> The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation! Reporter 2> And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House Slick Willie appoints his wife to chair health care reform and now appoints yet another Kennedy to be, of all things, Ambassador to Ireland. Who said nepotism in American government is dead? Bill Clinton dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St.Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Bill replies, "I am Bill Clinton, and I was president of the United States!" St. Peter says, "Ok, I will take you to meet the Lord." So they go to meet the Lord, who says "Who are you and what have you done?" Clinton replies, "I am Bill Clinton and I was president of the U.S.A.!" The Lord then says, "Come Bill, sit on my right hand." Clinton then sits down to the right of the Lord, extremely happy. Al Gore then dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St. Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Al replies much the same as Bill did, stating that he is Al Gore and was Vice-president of the US. St. Peter then takes him to meet the Lord, who offers Al the seat on his left side. Al accepts, and like Clinton, is ecstatic. After a while, Hillary dies and gets to the gates. St. Peter asks who she is and what she did, to which she replies, "Hillary Rodham Clinton, wife of the president of the US." Peter then takes her in to meet the Lord who repeats the question, "Who are you and what have you done?" Hillary replies, "I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, and you are in my seat!" Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping in on local McDonalds the McD's national management has annouced a commemrative double cheeseburger, the McClinton? Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, and it's got half the meat. How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new Commander-in-Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy Roosevelt?).. After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost* got that down), I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn this thang around. We're taking 'er to the dump." Or "Are there any communists on board? How'd you like to be in charge of a floor of the Pentagon?" Or "Those who voted for me, step forward. The rest of you are out of work." Or "I want you to re-target those missles from Moscow to EIB headquarters." Or "Admiral, tell me about your plans for Gay Heritage Month..." Zipity do dah, Zipity ay, Billy boy's the prez, Now we're all gonna pay. They'll take all your money, And give it away. They'll leave you with nothin for a rainy day. [ Chorus ] He's got a big chip on his shoulder dont ask me why, cause I don't know. He seems to really hate the mid class he wants to knock you right down on you'r fat ass. Zipity do dah Zipity ay Congress is behind him now we're all gonna pay. Energy taxes are rising each day my house is gettin colder cause the gas went away I can't fill my car so I can't get away Dr. Kervorkian take my troubles away. The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with *our* money! WGST radio in Atlanta reported yesterday that the Clinton's cat Socks arrived at the White House after being driven from Arkansas by a friend. Acording to the reporter, "Socks ran around the room becoming familar with the new surroundings. There was that one embarassing moment though when Socks, as cats will do, began scratching a post. Unfortunately, it was Vice President Al Gore." "A Gore friend told him to urge Clinton to pick Sigourney Weaver for Attorney General: 'She knows how to handle aliens.'" After taking un-official office, Hillary wants to have her middle name used when news reports refer to her, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Since she is quite assertive and is giving Mr. Bill and others advice on many matters, maybe she should be called Hillary "Ram-rod 'em" Clinton. Q: How does Bill Clinton say "F*** you"? A: "Trust me." It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed. If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to have an air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he can have it both ways. Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people shout, "Taxi!" Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton evading the draft: "Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Bob Kerry lost an leg in Vietnam.] Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one. I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they have to put a governor on them! "One thing's for sure about Clinton... -- He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!" Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton? A: Eats Waffles My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes: Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!! So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Jennifer Flowers a couple of times. .....but he didn't come. They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like to thank the governor for wearing a condom." It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID inhale. Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Jennifer Flowers, Clinton would have picked Gary Hart instead. From a Mike Royko column: Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out of that pickle? Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he makes love to two women at the same time, they never see each other. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new allegations of misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the popular "Where's Waldo" puzzles noted a striking resemblance while examining the bare-breasted woman depicted frolicking in the water with an as-yet-unidentified man. Clinton denies that he has ever met the woman, and says he was with Waldo the whole time. Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues. A: None -- He'll only promise "change." George Bush: "Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president." Heard on MTV News: "Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country." Did you hear Hillary Clinton ate beans on Friday night so she could take a bubble bath on Saturday? BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE 1040 Bufoo Street Little Rock, AR 72205 Dear Friend, We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington D.C. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money. Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this IS the Promised Land!" Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Fraternally, The Bill Clinton Statue Committee Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger? A: Punch him in the nose. Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo? A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside. A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?" The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister." Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?" The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton." "But why not?" asked the man. The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton." Arsenio: I heard that Harris [headed for the gas chamber] was going to imitate Bill Clinton... He wouldn't inhale... TRUE STORY A friend told me he saw this on F-Troop last night: The Captain, the Chief, and an Inspector General were discussing the Chief's breaking of a Treaty. The following was the dialog: Inspector General: But Chief, how could you break the treaty? You smoked the peace pipe with us! Chief: Ah, yes. But, I didn't inhale! HELLO! Sound familiar everybody? Not only can't Clinton tell the truth, but he plagiarizes his lies! There was a line in George's speach where he said I raised taxes 1 time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute. (I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way with adultery.) Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's president. In order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to go baby-kissing and flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and Arkansas. There, he encountered a strange fellow working at a gas station, a common man if there ever was one. "Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president," said Gov. Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake. "That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've done great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man enthusiastically. The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake your hand, I can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand if you cross the highway with me." Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the highway with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man vigorously shook the Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the man, "Why is it that I may shake your hand only after crossing the highway with you?" The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there was Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob touching is legal only in Arkansas." Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age): All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas Jefferson. Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention: When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats, ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't inhale. George Bush: "When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." THE ADVENTURES OF PRESIDENT BILL It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House. Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings. RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG President Bill: Hello! Hello! Voice on the Line: President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States! President Bill: [take-off on a Clinton tirade against Jesse Jackson] AW Sh*t!! HE SAID HE WOULDN'T DO IT! THAT DIRTY, DOUBLE-CROSSING BACKSTABBER! SON-OF-A-Bi*ch!!! BAM!!! goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle. President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker. Voice: Mr. President, is this a drill? President Bill: Listen to me. We're being attacked by the Russians. Launch a full-scale response immediately. Voice: Are you sure, Sir? President Bill: H*LL YES!!! FIRE THE MISSILES!!! FIRE THE G-DD*MN MISSILES!!! Voice: OK Sir, we're launching them this minute. President Bill: Thank you, Son! The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room. Aid: Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh? Sounded real, didn't it? Attacked by the Russians! What a gag! Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill? How about a Pizza or something? Say Bill, are you OK? You look kinda pale. You OK Bill? Bill??? I just realized why Clinton visited Tandem yesterday rather than Sun or HP which would have brought larger crowds. He thought Tandem would be a friendlier crowd when he heard they were a "fault tolerant" company. Saw this on "In Living Color" last night: Barbara Bush to Hillary Clinton: "Your daughter's so ugly Woody Allen wouldn't touch her." New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton: Smell my lips.....No more Bush I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed. Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be the first time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really* enjoy political humor... Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and not speak a single word for the next couple days. Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime... Bill Clinton is *so* fat when he sits around the White House, he sits *around* the White House. Acronyms: CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation CLINTON = Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation CLINTON = Clearly Loose Internal Navigation Techniques Occupy Never-Neverland GORE = Genniffer's Only Remaining Enterprise GORE = Greatly Oriented to Radical Ecology EARTH DAY = Ecological Alarmism Retold To Hysterical Dopes And Youngsters GORE = Great One Regulating Everything Well, now that the election will be a thing of the past tonight, I guess Bill Clinton will be glad. Why you ask? So he can put Jennifer Flowers to bed! [literally] Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A1: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House! A2: Because they can't afford any more pork A3: Reagan ate all the jellybeans A4: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS A5: Because Bill is having Jennifer A6: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey. If you don't like BUSH, you're a homo. About the porno film, Slick Willie bl*** the country. Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job Come April 21, Many Americans will be seeing the following 1040EZ, Thanks to Bill Clinton: Enter your salary from last year on line 1. line 1_____________ Please remit Line 1 for tax due. Put all Comments/ Complaints in the box that follows: ------- | | | | ------- Yes, I would like to give $1 for a re-elect the president fund... Does Bill Clinton really live on Bufoo Street? Is that short for buffoon street? Subject: something to show for it.. Last night David Lettermen mentioned that Jennifer Flowers is going to do a "spread" in the December Penthouse magazine. He remarked that it will be good, for once, to see something that a Presidential candidate has done. And now something NEW and ORIGINAL... President-Elect Clinton promises to make the administration more representative of the population. Well, I think he should consider making Millie the Dog Secretary of State. After all, President Bush recommends her highly "knows more about international relations than those two bozos combined.." and after all, how many dogs have been appointed Secretary of anything? And finally, the way things are going to be under Clinton, we won't have any stature as a superpower any more, so we might as well have a Secretary of State that barks if someone breaks in. No, but on last night's tv show, Rush mentioned the new song, "Inhale to the Chief." November 11, 1992: Bill Clinton (President-Elect) was at the Arkansas War Veterans Memorial Service today. THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS. A DRAFT DODGER "honoring" war veterans with his presence? Okay, okay. Let's just put this in perspective. Bill Clinton at the Veterans' Day Memorial is like: * Sinead O'Connor at Burger King * Willie Horton outside prison * Jerry Brown having Earth citizenship * Gloria Steinem chasing men * Madonna teaching chastity * Jack Kervorkian doing CPR * Earth First! running a logging company * Fidel Castro joining Amnesty International * The Sacramento Kings at the NBA Playoffs * Dr. Spock giving corporal punishment * David Duke in the NAACP * Van Halen teaching classical music * Molly Yard in a swimsuit * Steve "Dennis Hall" Chaney actually *being* "pro-life" I thought you'd all like to hear about the potential candidates meeting with the Wizard of Oz... First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart". So the Wiz said,"So be it". Second was Dan Quayle. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever. I wish to have a Brain". The Wiz said, "So be it". Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction.....I wish to have some Courage". And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!" Q: What was Bill and Chelsie Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to sc#$w the people! Four doctors, a German, a Frenchman, a Russian, and an American are discussing state of the art medicine at an international doctors convention. The Frenchmen proclaims "Ahh, medicine in France is so advanced that we can put a liver in a man and have him back to work in 6 weeks." The German says "That's nothing. In Germany we can put a lung in a man and have him back to work in 4 weeks." The Russian says "You guys know nothing about medicine. Surgery in Russia is so advanced that we can take half a heart from one man, put it in another, and have both out of bed and looking for work in 2 weeks." The American doctor just shakes his head. "You are all so backward. We can take an ***hole out of Arkansas, put him in the White House, and the very next day half the country will be looking for work!" Two guys are sitting at a bar talking politics when one asks the other what he thinks Clinton should do with the abortion bill. He replies "I think he should pay the damn thing." This is a true fact. Shortly before Bill Clinton took the inaugural oath of office, the band struck up the theme song from Monty Python. If this was actually programmed by Clinton's staff, it may forbode an interesting four years. Alternate theory: some undergraduates from Caltech swapped the band's sheet music. YOUR NEW OFFICIAL TAX FORM 1. Enter your social security number: ___-__-____ 2. How much money did you make last year? ___________ 3. Send it in. 4. How much money do you have in savings? 5. Send that in, too. 6. Please enter comments/complaints here: [ ] Jesse's addendum: Oh, BTW, we'll be taking your pension fund too. And we're taxing your company out of existence. Please attach "YOUR NEW OFFICIAL WELFARE APPLICATION FORM". Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade." Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!" The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers. Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he asked. "Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!" "But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused. "Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?" Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor. Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? A: A dead girlfriend. LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill Clinton lost his voice, probably because of allergies to all the Christmas greenery at the Arkansas governor's mansion. The President-elect puts up with the allergies to get in the holiday spirit -- he "hangs pine garlands and mistletoe," but he was surprised they bothered him because he doesn't inhale. An aide said the allergies are "nothing to worry about," they just make the president-elect stuffed up and irritable. The future President was quoted as saying something like "I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin' aboud. I feel fide. I could negoadiate a tready. Bud off. Get owda here." Given how often he loses his voice, his aides say the President-elect is learning "an internationally understandable set of gestures," in case he has to negotiate when he is totally voiceless and cranky. In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there is mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool, near the women's restroom, and on Jennifer Flower's automobile dashboard. Slick Willy's Queen Berets (sung to the tune of The Green Berets) Falling fairies from the skies; I broke a nail, oh I could cry; Don't you like how my tushy sways; We are the fags of the Queen Berets. Slick Willy's words upon my ears; "You guys have rights, be proud you queers;" I once was scared, now I'm OK; Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets. Put silver earclips on our nuts; We love the pain, now spank our butts, The way you walk is awfully cute; I sure would love to pack your chute. This Army stuff is really slick; Free meals and clothes and lots of d***; When I retire, I'll still get paid; So thank you Bill, from the Queen Berets. When my lover gets aids, I will not worry; If the government won't pay we'll leave it to the jury; All medical bills paid, I'm no longer afraid; Thank you tax payers, from the Queen Berets. I can't wait to jump in a fox hole; I just hope that it's with Bob Hope; They say he cares about all us soldiers; We'll find out, when my hands are on his shoulders. At the end of day we turn out the lights; Practice torpedo runs into the night; Then we practice our fencing, I thay touche; We are the fags of the Queen Berets. ====================================================== FROM NATIONAL REVIEW, February 15 1993, The Week, p.14 ====================================================== "Little noted by the press, vegetable-rights activists raided the kitchen of the Willard Hotel in Washington, D.C., and liberated several vegetables and fruits that were to be murdered and eaten by PETA at its inauguration gala." What's Clinton's executive order #1? Flowers by his bedside. Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian has renamed his death machine "CLINTONATOR"? Unlike a respirator it doesn't let the patient inhale. (I think this came from Rush L.) Besides, where's the Gore quote during the inauguration: AG: Who's that guy? (pointing to a bust of ...) Guide: That's President George Washington. (after he had said it about a minute before) There's also Chelsea's "rash" comment: She needed medication at Sidwell Friends, and the nurse couldn't give her any medication without having contacted the parents. Chelsea said something like, "Oh that's okay. My mom's been pretty busy lately. Better call my dad." I've heard there's a new programming language out from University of Tennessee. It's called Algor. There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and inflexible. And it's not a very powerfull language either, since it won't allow you to alter the operating environment. Personally, I don't think it'll be even around in four years. Everyone complained when Quayle misspelled potato. How come no one's been screaming about Clinton's gaffe? He clearly spelled BUTT incorrectly when he said, "I'm gonna tax your BTU's..." -- (to the tune of "THE ADAMS FAMILY") They're slimy and they're cheesy They're dedicated P.C. They're altogether sleazy The Clinton Family da da da da tax tax da da da da tax tax da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax Their policies are daft They'll gladly accept graft Bill dodged the draft The Clinton Family da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax They're politics will disgrace Your income will be displaced Their daughter is a dog-face The Clinton Family da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax The wife is a commie The husband is balmy The A.G. is not a mommie The Clinton Family da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax Hillary, Billary, Socks, [RADIO 30 SEC. SPOT] [SFX - OFFICE SOUNDS IN B.G.] [ROY] Hey, Dale - I didn't expect to see you at work - I heard you got fired last week. [DALE] I was. But that was before I asserted my rights under the Family Leave Plan. [ROY] But, Dale - you don't HAVE a family. [DALE] A minor detail, Roy. I called the Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton and they took my case, got my job back, got my gay brother an officer's commision in the Army, and promised to line my wallet with the cash they're gonna get my soaking my middle-class, fat-cat boss! I'm on Easy Street. Why, I'm as good as tenured! They couldn't fire me now if they WANTED to! [SFX - FADE OUT] [ANNOUNCER] Are you out of work? Do you care? At the Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton, we don't care if you've ever put in an honest day's work in your life. We think you deserve all the money you can get, regardless of your ability or willingness to work. Call today, and ask about our "Buy Now, Suffer Later" program. Your first consultation is free. As an added bonus, the first 50 callers will receive, absolutely free, a pair of monogrammed rose-colored glasses, and a list of promises not worth the paper they're printed on. So if you're one of the "motivationally challenged" and want to get what you feel is coming to you, don't wait. Call today! [ANNOUNCER #2 - TAG ENDING] The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton is a Professional Abbomination, licensed to steal in 50 States and in the District of Columbia. Call us today! The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton - where "Soak the Rich (and the not-so-rich) is our ONLY business! BTW - if they get divorced, do you think Hillary will get to keep the house? There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in washington. As I was walking out of the county recreation center today I noticed a slide flash on a closed circuit TV display that announced: Animal Lover's Dance, at Hidden Pond Now I realize that Bill and Hillary are in the White House and we're rid of a lot of those puritanical sexual hangups of the Bush administration, but is this REALLY the sort of thing our tax dollars should be sponsoring? Health care costs rise uncontrollably. In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for certain services. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions. "Today that President Clinton commenced the first round of White House staff cuts. It is also reportedly the first time Mr. Clinton has given a woman a pink slip that he hasn't asked her to try on first..." Did you know Bill Clinton has AIDS? What do you expect when you screw everyone in the country? Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a Gas station. As the guy was filling up their car (he was dressed like a typical grease- jockey) he said to Hillary "I went to High School with you". She recognized him and agreed with him. Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President". Hillary said "O yes I would - He would be President." Here are some names for our 42nd president: Commander-in-thief Wilhelm von TaxUndSpendenHeim Bilhelm von Bubbastein Wilhelm von KleinerStein (Lil' Rock Ark. in german!) Hillary Rodham One-term-Willy-Nilly the Great Pretender Bilhelm HotAirenHof etc... Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: NO FEE - If No Recovery!!! Bumper sticker on Arkansan car: If you can read this. You're not from here The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it. "I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to McDonald's, had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple months ago, and then took some money from some average middle-class citizens." CLINTONIA - any of a genus of herbs of the lily family with yellow flowers on a naked stalk.