FROM UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE CHUCK SHEPHERD'S NEWS OF THE WEIRD by Chuck Shepherd LEAD STORY In December, a jury in Ellsworth, Wis., deliberated for three hours before ruling against Stewart Blair in his lawsuit against his friend Maurice Poulin for injuries incurred when Blair tripped over a snowplow blade. Blair claimed that Poulin caused the fall when he startled Blair by accidentally passing gas in his face. And in a postscript to the trial, as the jurors ceremonially exited the courtroom, the foreman accidentally, audibly passed gas as he walked by the judge. ** ** ** THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT -- In August, police in Sao Paulo, Brazil, arrested master thief Robson Augusto Araujo and confiscated a stash of his business cards with the firm name (in Portuguese) "Thefts and Robberies, Ltd." and his job title "Thief." Though the card's address was fake, the cellular phone number was real, along with the legend "325 iS," which is the model of BMW he specialized in stealing. -- And in August, police in Chandler, Ariz., confiscated a videotape allegedly made by four teen-age boys known as the Insane Skate Posse and containing inspirational promotional messages of mayhem and destruction designed Universal Press Syn.UNP-347 to recruit new members for their gang. They are shown having fun by smoking marijuana, drinking beer, destroying a parked car and making harassing phone calls. -- In July the Catholic Church in the Netherlands announced it had reached an agreement with cellular telephone companies to sell space on church steeples for the companies' antennas. -- In October, The New York Times reported that Kimberly-Clark Corp. had received a patent for chemically realistic, synthetic feces that it regards as crucial for testing diapers and incontinence garments. Technicians had concluded that makeshift substances, such as mashed potatoes, peanut butter and canned pumpkin pie mix were inadequate because they separated into liquids and solids more quickly than feces does. -- The People's Insurance Company of China recently began offering a marriage insurance policy, in which a couple that divorces forfeits all premiums paid, but a couple that stays together 25, 40, or 50 years stands to gain substantial dividends. -- In December, Dr. Henry Abrams of Loveladies, N.J., who was Albert Einstein's ophthalmologist and who removed Einstein's eyes during his autopsy in 1955 (storing them in a safe-deposit box ever since), announced the eyes were for sale and said he expected they could bring $5 million. Universal Press Syn.UNP-349 -- Vermont Business Magazine reported last spring that the Holstein-Friesian Association, which exports pedigreed dairy cattle and must get them quickly to their clients in Europe and Saudi Arabia, delivers them by air in Federal Express planes. ** ** ** OVERREACTIONS -- Recent Sensitive People: Brenda L. Hunter, 31, Zion, Ill., allegedly shot her brother because she did not like the kind of cheese he was putting on their chili dinner; Michael R. Waggoner, 37, Knoxville, Tenn., allegedly shot a man five times in a bar because he thought the man had asked "Have you got a light, baby?" when the man actually ended the question with "buddy"; Anthony Foti, 35, Missasauga, Ontario, was charged with severely punching and kicking an elementary school principal because one of his teachers was wearing a skirt that was too short. -- The Charlotte Observer reported in June that a Sanford, N.C., man drove to City Hall, wearing only a towel, to complain that his water had just been shut off in the middle of his shower. After the city pointed out that his account was overdue and that it had mailed two warnings, the man stood in line, paid his bill, and drove back home to finish his shower. -- In June, in Liberty, Ohio, police officer Bradley L. Sebastian, tired Universal Press Syn.UNP-352 of waiting for his food order at Denny's, stormed into the kitchen, held his service revolver to the cook's head, and told her he would kill her if she didn't hurry up. In August, in Oklahoma City, a Hardee's restaurant worker, angered that a drive-through customer continued to complain about the delay in his order, stripped off his headset, ran to his car, grabbed his gun out of the trunk, and threatened the customer before fleeing. -- Christian-oriented radio station WKID in Vevay, Ind., was burglarized and set afire in September, probably by the man who became angry earlier in the day when a DJ refused to play his request. (Editor's Note: The song was "Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw. DJs seeking to avoid trouble are advised to honor all requests to play that song.) ** ** ** MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE -- Oklahoma City prosecutor Pattye Wallace, on a jury's recommendation that Charles Scott Robinson be sentenced to 5,000 years in prison on each of six counts of rape of a 3- year-old girl (which the judge ruled were to be served in sequence, from 1995 until the year 31995): "I don't know if we'll get more 30,000-year sentences or not, but [this one] was deserved." (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 8306, St. Petersburg, Fla. 33738, or cshepherd@igc.apc.org.) baxk I don't recognize that command. Key H for Help !back Universal Press Syn.UNP-353 afire in September, probably by the man who became angry earlier in the day when a DJ refused to play his request. (Editor's Note: The song was "Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw. DJs seeking to avoid trouble are advised to honor all requests to play that song.) ** ** ** MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE -- Oklahoma City prosecutor Pattye Wallace, on a jury's recommendation that Charles Scott Robinson be sentenced to 5,000 years in prison on each of six counts of rape of a 3- year-old girl (which the judge ruled were to be served in sequence, from 1995 until the year 31995): "I don't know if we'll get more 30,000-year sentences or not, but [this one] was deserved." (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 8306, St. Petersburg, Fla. 33738, or cshepherd@igc.apc.org.) (Chuck Shepherd's new paperback book, "America's Least Competent Criminals" (HarperPerennial), is available at most bookstores.) FROM UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE CHUCK SHEPHERD'S NEWS OF THE WEIRD by Chuck Shepherd LEAD STORY In December, a jury in Ellsworth, Wis., deliberated for three hours before ruling against Stewart Blair in his lawsuit against his friend Maurice Poulin for injuries incurred when Blair tripped over a snowplow blade. Blair claimed that Poulin caused the fall when he startled Blair by accidentally passing gas in his face. And in a postscript to the trial, as the jurors ceremonially exited the courtroom, the foreman accidentally, audibly passed gas as he walked by the judge. ** ** ** THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT -- In August, police in Sao Paulo, Brazil, arrested master thief Robson Augusto Araujo and confiscated a stash of his business cards with the firm name (in Portuguese) "Thefts and Robberies, Ltd." and his job title "Thief." Though the card's address was fake, the cellular phone number was real, along with the legend "325 iS," which is the model of BMW he specialized in stealing. -- And in August, police in Chandler, Ariz., confiscated a videotape allegedly made by four teen-age boys known as the Insane Skate Posse and containing inspirational promotional messages of mayhem and destruction designed Universal Press Syn.UNP-347 to recruit new members for their gang. They are shown having fun by smoking marijuana, drinking beer, destroying a parked car and making harassing phone calls. -- In July the Catholic Church in the Netherlands announced it had reached an agreement with cellular telephone companies to sell space on church steeples for the companies' antennas. -- In October, The New York Times reported that Kimberly-Clark Corp. had received a patent for chemically realistic, synthetic feces that it regards as crucial for testing diapers and incontinence garments. Technicians had concluded that makeshift substances, such as mashed potatoes, peanut butter and canned pumpkin pie mix were inadequate because they separated into liquids and solids more quickly than feces does. -- The People's Insurance Company of China recently began offering a marriage insurance policy, in which a couple that divorces forfeits all premiums paid, but a couple that stays together 25, 40, or 50 years stands to gain substantial dividends. -- In December, Dr. Henry Abrams of Loveladies, N.J., who was Albert Einstein's ophthalmologist and who removed Einstein's eyes during his autopsy in 1955 (storing them in a safe-deposit box ever since), announced the eyes were for sale and said he expected they could bring $5 million. Universal Press Syn.UNP-349 -- Vermont Business Magazine reported last spring that the Holstein-Friesian Association, which exports pedigreed dairy cattle and must get them quickly to their clients in Europe and Saudi Arabia, delivers them by air in Federal Express planes. ** ** ** OVERREACTIONS -- Recent Sensitive People: Brenda L. Hunter, 31, Zion, Ill., allegedly shot her brother because she did not like the kind of cheese he was putting on their chili dinner; Michael R. Waggoner, 37, Knoxville, Tenn., allegedly shot a man five times in a bar because he thought the man had asked "Have you got a light, baby?" when the man actually ended the question with "buddy"; Anthony Foti, 35, Missasauga, Ontario, was charged with severely punching and kicking an elementary school principal because one of his teachers was wearing a skirt that was too short. -- The Charlotte Observer reported in June that a Sanford, N.C., man drove to City Hall, wearing only a towel, to complain that his water had just been shut off in the middle of his shower. After the city pointed out that his account was overdue and that it had mailed two warnings, the man stood in line, paid his bill, and drove back home to finish his shower. -- In June, in Liberty, Ohio, police officer Bradley L. Sebastian, tired Universal Press Syn.UNP-352 of waiting for his food order at Denny's, stormed into the kitchen, held his service revolver to the cook's head, and told her he would kill her if she didn't hurry up. In August, in Oklahoma City, a Hardee's restaurant worker, angered that a drive-through customer continued to complain about the delay in his order, stripped off his headset, ran to his car, grabbed his gun out of the trunk, and threatened the customer before fleeing. -- Christian-oriented radio station WKID in Vevay, Ind., was burglarized and set afire in September, probably by the man who became angry earlier in the day when a DJ refused to play his request. (Editor's Note: The song was "Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw. DJs seeking to avoid trouble are advised to honor all requests to play that song.) ** ** ** MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE -- Oklahoma City prosecutor Pattye Wallace, on a jury's recommendation that Charles Scott Robinson be sentenced to 5,000 years in prison on each of six counts of rape of a 3- year-old girl (which the judge ruled were to be served in sequence, from 1995 until the year 31995): "I don't know if we'll get more 30,000-year sentences or not, but [this one] was deserved." (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 8306, St. Petersburg, Fla. 33738, or cshepherd@igc.apc.org.) Universal Press Syn.UNP-354 (Chuck Shepherd's new paperback book, "America's Least Competent Criminals" (HarperPerennial), is available at most bookstores.) COPYRIGHT 1995 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE 4900 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. FROM UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE CHUCK SHEPHERD'S NEWS OF THE WEIRD by Chuck Shepherd LEAD STORY Among the recent uses of DNA genetic "fingerprinting": Scientists at Oxford University are using it to determine the gender of the world's rarest bird, the Brazilian blue Spix macaw, whose males ostensibly completely resemble females. In Panama City, Fla., prosecutors introduced DNA- matched sperm samples from Sheriff Al Harrison and his office carpet (even though Harrison had machine-cleaned it) in his January trial for forcing female inmates to perform oral sex on him. And authorities in Cocoa, Fla., filed cattle rustling charges against two men in November after matching the DNA of a calf that was the offspring of a purebred, slaughtered cow with the DNA in an uncooked slab of pot roast the men allegedly sold after cutting it from the cow. -- -- -- THE CONTINUING CRISIS -- Gordon Davey, 30, was named in November by a TV show in London as Britain's most boring man, after he waxed rhapsodic about his extensive collection of brown paper, which he said has fascinated him ever since he was an art student. Said Davey, "I shall obviously have to try to be more interesting and less obsessive." Universal Press Syn.UNP-324 -- Police in Washington, D.C., and its Maryland and Virginia suburbs conducted a three-week campaign in November to increase motorist awareness of traffic signals, including the mass distribution of "I Stop for Red Lights" bumper stickers. -- California's January 1994 earthquake officially killed 58 people, but within six months, the state had received almost 400 requests for the $6,000 burial grants from federal disaster funds, by people claiming their dead relatives perished because of the quake. -- In July, Vickye L. Phye, 34, pleaded guilty to lesser charges in Nashville, Tenn., after having been accused of the rape of a 39-year-old woman. According to the victim, Phye had demanded to perform oral sex on her and then had "started rubbing me like a man would." Tennessee law defines rape as "any" sexual penetration. -- According to a Thanksgiving press release from the Butterball company, the highlight of calls to the company's emergency hotline occurred in 1993 when a woman reported that her pet Chihuahua had jumped into the cavity of the family's turkey and was stuck. -- In November, Japan's Economic Planning Agency, in an annual report, called on Japanese husbands to participate more in family activities. Agency surveys estimated that 85 percent of husbands "never" help their wives with Universal Press Syn.UNP-326 household chores, and that younger women, knowing this, are increasingly declining marriage, resulting in a falling birth rate that alarms the agency. -- In October, William Soule, 71, on probation on DUI charges in Dubuque, Iowa, turned himself in and said he'd rather go to jail. Said Soule, "I can't take another year of probation." And in September, Kansas prisoner Joe Carr, 77, convicted of murder in 1941, passed up his parole-board hearing for the 15th consecutive time. But another Kansas inmate, murderer Marvin D. Brockett, 64, is vying for parole. Since age 7, Brockett has been free of correctional facilities for a total of only three years. -- -- -- WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND -- In July, Robert Minahan, a chef who specializes in crocodile cuisine at a resort in the Kakadu National Park in Australia, was attacked by a 6-foot crocodile while swimming at Barramundi Gorge. Said Minahan, "It feels strange to be on the other end of the food chain." -- In Grand Junction, Colo., in September, retired Chicago police officer Arthur R. Smith, 56, allegedly a hit man who fired several gunshots at Rita Quam, but missed, had a heart attack and died when police officers arrived to arrest him. -- In September, four women, using a chemical spray, allegedly attacked Universal Press Syn.UNP-329 another woman who had beaten them to a parking space at the Galleria mall in Glendale, Calif., sending the woman to the hospital. Police went to the parking lot, looking for the women, and found them having an argument outside their car because the keys were locked inside. After finding the chemical spray, police charged the women with assault, then helped open the car -- and found shoplifted clothing in the back seat. -- The Chicago Tribune, reporting in July on the trial of a marriage matchmaker in Guangzhou Province, related the testimony of a barber who agreed to offer his unwilling wife to the matchmaker for a scam in which they would sell the woman to a farmer, collect the fee, then immediately retrieve her. The barber was first cheated out of the promised reward and now faces life in prison for selling his wife. Furthermore, the wife preferred the farmer, anyway, and will not be returning to the barber. -- -- -- I DON'T THINK SO -- In November, acting on a tip, Juneau, Alaska, police raided the hotel room of an Oregon man and found cocaine and $10,000 in cash, which the man later relinquished in his haste to leave the state before charges were filed. When police asked him why he had such a large amount of cash, he said it was given to him by a woman (whose name he could not recall) as a reward for great sex. Universal Press Syn.UNP-331 -- Ener Arcilla Henson, 34, was arrested in Glendale, Calif., in January and charged with stealing a "humvee" military vehicle from the local National Guard armory. Police said Henson was driving the vehicle at night without lights, refused to acknowledge them when they signaled him to pull over, and said, when finally stopped, that President Clinton had given him the humvee. (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 8306, St. Petersburg, Fla. 33738, or cshepherd@igc.apc.org.) (Chuck Shepherd's new paperback book, "America's Least Competent Criminals" (HarperPerennial), is available at most bookstores.) COPYRIGHT 1995 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE 4900 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. FROM UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE CHUCK SHEPHERD'S NEWS OF THE WEIRD by Chuck Shepherd LEAD STORY In Columbia, S.C., in December, Rev. Noel Vande Grift revealed plans to expand his 20-member [Richard M.] Nixon Memorial Church, a congregation blending Baptist and Quaker preachings. Vande Grift said the inspiration to name the church after the former president came during a prayer. He told reporters the church would be the largest in the South by the year 2010. -- -- -- THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS -- Non-Whitewater news from Arkansas: In Eureka Springs, alderman candidate Louise Berry died on Oct. 6, but her supporters continued to run ads against her opponent. On Nov. 8, because of the effectiveness of the campaign, Berry pulled out a narrow victory. In September, attorney-general candidate Dan Ivy won his fight to stay on the ballot despite having been convicted of beating his wife two months earlier. Mrs. Ivy had helpfully made an audio recording of the beating; on the tape, Ivy appeared mainly concerned about recovering valuable coins his wife had put in a safe- deposit box. After Ivy told her he wanted his coins, she reminded him it was Sunday and that the box was not accessible; during the remainder of the 30-minute tape, Ivy says "I want my Universal Press Syn.UNP-257 coins" 76 more times. Ivy lost the election. -- In August, Ohio gubernatorial candidate Billy Inmon collapsed and had to be hospitalized after a 27-day hunger strike outside the Capitol in Columbus. He was trying to get incumbent George Voinovich to debate him, but Voinovich never did. However, 18 days into the strike, a man protesting Inmon's anti-gay policies urinated on Inmon's tent, provoking Inmon to point a gun at him. -- In May, Richard Finney, 34, flunked his driver's license exam in Topeka, Kan. The next day he returned to the exam office, accompanied by his mother, Gov. Joan Finney, who, according to a licensing employee "was mad. She was real mad." After the governor scolded the examiners, Richard Finney was escorted to the front of the line and administered the exam again, by the supervisor of the office. He passed. -- In the April election for city council in Ypsilanti, Mich., incumbent Geoffrey Rose turned over his voter list to student Frank Houston, 18, who had offered to help him get out the vote. Armed with the list, Houston went door to door and then won the election himself as a write-in candidate. He told reporters afterward that he did not deceive Rose: "All I ever said all along was that I was going to get people to vote." -- In Rice, Minn., Virgil Nelson and Mitch Fiedler, who tied 90-90 in the November election for a city council seat, settled the race by drawing Universal Press Syn.UNP-259 cards. On the first try, both drew 8's, and on the second, both drew aces. Then Nelson drew a 7, and Fiedler drew an 8 for the victory. -- In August, Mascotte, Fla., mayor Josh Thomas was arrested and charged with stealing nearly $7,000 worth of dirt, over a period of several days, from a construction site. -- Marion Barry, re-elected as mayor of Washington, D.C., after serving six months in prison on a 1991 cocaine possession charge, was assisted by the 75-felon-member Coalition of Ex-Offenders, who went door to door campaigning for him. According to organizer "Roach" Brown, the coalition members were especially helpful because they went into the toughest neighborhoods to register D.C.'s substantial criminal population, most of whom were unaware that a 1976 law gave them voting rights. -- -- -- CLICHES COME TO LIFE -- In April in Grand Junction, Colo., Ed Tucker bought his son a toy airplane made in Taiwan. When he unpacked it, he found a note in English written by a man who said he was being held prisoner and subjected to human rights abuses and begging someone to help him. -- In December in Pittsburgh, Pa., two inmates escaped from Allegheny County Jail by tying bedsheets together and making a 200-foot rope, which they Universal Press Syn.UNP-262 hung out a window and climbed down. -- In June, Damian Michael Toya, 22, pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter in Albuquerque, N.M., for shooting his father to death. Toya claimed his father had long ridiculed him for being gay and unmanly. According to Toya, the father's last words, when Toya pointed the gun at him, were, "You don't have the guts to do it." -- Federal law permits victims' lawyers in civil rights cases, if they win, to have their fees and expenses paid by the losing party. Among the expenses that Rodney King's lawyers submitted to the City of Los Angeles for compensation were these: accompanying King to see the film "Malcolm X" ($1,300); reading a newspaper article about the trial (20 minutes) ($81.25); and attending King's 1991 birthday party ($650). The total requested was $4.4 million, more than King himself won in the lawsuit ($3.8 million). -- A month after Susan Smith said a carjacker made off with her two boys in Union, S.C., a man in Lubbock, Texas, jumped into Donna Robles' Dodge and sped off, probably unaware that her son, Ethan, 3, was strapped in the back seat. The car was found crashed two blocks away, with Ethan unhurt. Police speculate that Ethan's beginning to cry so startled the thief that he lost control of the car. He escaped. -- -- -- Universal Press Syn.UNP-264 MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE Annette Green, president of an association of perfume and cologne manufacturers, on why some celebrity-named products sell well but not others: "As it turns out, people didn't necessarily want to smell like Cher." (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 8306, St. Petersburg, Fla. 33738, or cshepherd(at)igc.apc.org.) (Chuck Shepherd's new paperback book, "America's Least Competent Criminals" (HarperPerennial), is available at most bookstores.) COPYRIGHT 1995 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE 4900 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. FROM UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE CHUCK SHEPHERD'S NEWS OF THE WEIRD by Chuck Shepherd LEAD STORY In December, a jury in Ellsworth, Wis., deliberated for three hours before ruling against Stewart Blair in his lawsuit against his friend Maurice Poulin for injuries incurred when Blair tripped over a snowplow blade. Blair claimed that Poulin caused the fall when he startled Blair by accidentally passing gas in his face. And in a postscript to the trial, as the jurors ceremonially exited the courtroom, the foreman accidentally, audibly passed gas as he walked by the judge. ** ** ** THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT -- In August, police in Sao Paulo, Brazil, arrested master thief Robson Augusto Araujo and confiscated a stash of his business cards with the firm name (in Portuguese) "Thefts and Robberies, Ltd." and his job title "Thief." Though the card's address was fake, the cellular phone number was real, along with the legend "325 iS," which is the model of BMW he specialized in stealing. -- And in August, police in Chandler, Ariz., confiscated a videotape allegedly made by four teen-age boys known as the Insane Skate Posse and containing inspirational promotional messages of mayhem and destruction designed