Path: guru!eyrie!labtam!bruce!munnari.oz.au!bunyip.cc.uq.oz.au!uqcspe!parasol!s303069 From: s303069@parasol.cs.uq.oz.au (ralf muhlberger) Newsgroups: aus.jokes Subject: Blonde Summary Summary: Yes Keywords: summary Message-ID: <278@parasol.cs.uq.oz.au> Date: 26 Sep 91 10:24:13 GMT Organization: Computer Science, Queensland Uni, Australia Lines: 445 I feel it might be time for a blonde joke summary again. I've been trying to keep up with all the ones posted over the last couple of months, so here goes... * BLONDE JOKES * Q: What's the blonde's mating call? A: I'm *soo* drunk! Q: What's the ugly blonde's mating call? A: I SAID: I'M *SOO* DRUNK! Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q. Why do blondes like tiltable steering wheels? A. More head room. Q. What is the difference between a blond and a 747? A. Not everyone has been in a 747 Q. What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A. They both have a black box. Q. What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A. Shine a torch in her ear! Q. What do Blondes say after sex? A. Thanks Guys./Are you boys all in the same band? Q. How do you tell that a blonde's been using the computer? A. There's liquid paper on the screen. Q. Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A. She'd just dyed her hair. Q. What do Blondes do after sex? A. Get out of the car. Q. How do blondes turn the light on after sex ? A. Kick open the car door. Q. How do blonde braincells die ? A. Alone. Q. What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair black??? A. Artificial intelligence! Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter. Q: why don't employers give blondes coffee breaks? A: it takes too long to re-train them. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9.... Q: Why do blondes wear knickers? A: To keep their ankles warm. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. Q: How about the suicide blonde, A: she dyed by her own hand. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ? A: Sweet F**K All... Q. Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A. Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. Q: What do you call 4 blondes in a row, with the last one using a hairdryer? A: A wind tunnel :) Q. Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper? A. So she could lip read. Q. How do you drown a blond? A, Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread. Q: What does the blonde say after her boyfriend blows in her ear? A: Thanks for the refill. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Don't tell her to swallow. Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date. A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get f*cked up when they're on their back. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." Q. Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A. She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: "All the blondes have gone home!" Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!" Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (Regional joke -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits (teats for all the purists) go in first. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A: (Action of scissoring legs apart) Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because you wash vegetables there! Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A: Five, one to make the batter and four to peel the smarties. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!" Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television. Q: How is a screen door and a blonde the same? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets. Q. What's the difference between a blond and a 747? A. Not everyone has been in a 747. Q. What does a blond say after she has had sex? A. Are you guys all from the same team? Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A: The Blonde! Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond? A: Bucket seats. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They can't dial the 11 in 9-1-1. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'? A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.' Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?* Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ? A: Some left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" Q: What was the blonde father of twins' dillema? A: He wanted to know who the other man was... Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ? A: So they know when to stop having sex ! We all know why blondes take the pill... Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?????? A: Wishful Thinking....: Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm???? A1: She drops her nail-file!!! A2: Who cares? A3: She say 'Next' A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!! Q: Why do blonds not use vibrators? A: Because they chip their teeth! Q: Why do blondes have two more neurons than cows? A: So they don't shit when you pull their tits. Q: WHY DO BLONDE ONLY DRIVE B.M.W ? A: BECAUSE THAT THE ONLY CAR THAT THEY KNOW HOW TO SPELL. Q: What does a bottle of beer and a blond have in common? A: They're both empty from the kneck up. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ???? A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children! ------------- There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. ------------- Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. ------------- A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy. ------------- A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" ----------- A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. ----------- Situation : Three blonds jabbering as they take a leasurly walk Blond #1 : Hey look at these tracks, they're got to be from a ge ge. What cha' reckon? Blond #2 : Nar.. They're definitely *DINGO* tracks ! Blond #3 got hit by the train..... ----------------- If you know some, which I don't, why not mail them to me. :-) ----Ralf Muhlberger (s303069@cs.uq.oz.au)----3rd yr B.Inf.Tech.---Uni of Qld---- "Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when you take it. And with all your strength, with all your mind, with all your heart preserve it for your children and love it as God loves us all." ---- Chief Seattle, 1854