ARE YOUR KIDS ON DRUGS? Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or "drugs". This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are "high" is the first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug. KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best describes your child. 1. Your child's idea of a fun sport to play is: A) tossing a pigskin ball around B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream. 2. Your child's idea of a responsible adult is: A) Bill Clinton B) Tom Hanks C) Charles Manson. 3. Your child's favorite hobbies include: A) Model Rocketry B) Baseball C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags. 4. Your child's pet is: A) a puppy dog B) a 16' python C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin. 5. Your child's breath smells like: A) a fresh, minty mountain top B) lunch C) an opium den. 6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like: A) Fred and Ginger B) Regis and Kathy Lee C) Sid and Nancy 7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as: A) a precious metal B) a Mexican theme park C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand. 8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer: A) they scored a goal for their soccer team B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test C) they scored a dime bag and got high. Total up the number of times you answered "C" to the questions above, and consult the table below. 0 "C's"- Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren't that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all it's murkiness. 1-3 "C's"- Your child might be on drugs, but you can't be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn't really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun. 3-6 "C's"- You may as well face it, you've got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze. 7-8 "C's"- Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return. - - - - - Find out what everyone's been talking about! 30+ income streams, one place to advertise. http://www.clubmidas.net/cgi-bin/refer.cgi?3932 - - - - - Feel free to forward these jokes to your friends, or get them to subscribe to my jokelist by sending a blank e-mail to:- cerberus-jokes-subscribe@yahoogroups.com -- Cerberus -- Guarding The Gates To Hades -- MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising this Algorithm: Go to Africa. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. During each traverse pass, catch each animal seen. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. Stop when a match is detected. EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify this Algorithm by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants. A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given 50 pounds to measure the height of a building. The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building. The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he establishes the height of the building. The engineer puts forty pounds into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the other ten, he establishes the height of the building