From: MX%"knodel@cis.ohio-state.edu" 1-AUG-1992 05:00:58.11 To: COMPTEC91006 CC: Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 13 To: comptec91006@camins.Camosun.BC.CA X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11] [Ok, I have some bad news. Someone is going around forging articles from me, and sending them to all of you. One of these articles was the new Netwit intro message. Admitidly, it was a very good copy, but alert reader, Ron Dippold caught the fraud, who made the fatal error of spelling "Dave Barry", "Dave Berry". Obviously, *I*, a devout fan of Mr. Barry, would never make such a terrible blunder. Please, if anyone else spots any more such forged articles, be sure and let me know... -jk] ______________________________________________________________________________ Submitted by: Subject: [UGH!] Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. (Cate3.OSBU_North@xerox.com) ______ A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is reported that both crews have been marooned. ______________________________________________________________________________ Submitted by: Subject: [News of the weird?] Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. (Cate3.OSBU_North@xerox.com) ______ Would-be burglar Steven Little, thirty-two, had drunk thirty-five dollars' worth of beer before his attempt to break into a boot store in Longmont, Colorado, so it wasn't until he began trying to pry open the front door with a crowbar that he realized the shop was still open and people were staring at him from inside. Little made off empty-handed, but was later found by police asleep in his van. Rocky Mountain News ______________________________________________________________________________ Submitted by: Mike Arras Subject: Golfing with women. ______ A golfer and his wife are playing and he slices his tee shot over behind a shed. After examining the situation, he concludes that if they open both the front and rear doors of the shed, he could play his second shot through the shed. He lines up and his wife goes to open the doors. As she is waiting, she wonders what is happening and peeks around the door. Unfortunately, just at that moment her husband hits and his ball strikes her squarely in the head, killing her instantly. The distraught husband avoids golf for a year, but 5 years later he is remarried and happily playing golf again with his new wife. Oddly enough, he happens to slice on the same hole and lands in almost the same spot. His wife says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door of that shed, I think you could play through." He answers, "No, don't do that. The last time I tried that I took an 8 on this hole!" ______________________________________________________________________________ Submitted by: Mike Arras ______ Did you hear of Evil Kenevils next stunt? He's going to ride a motorcycle through Ethiopia with a roast turkey strapped to his back. ______________________________________________________________________________ Submitted by: Mike Arras ______ The old rooster was getting on in years, but he wasn't quite ready to give up his flock of hens yet. so when another young rooster came strutting around the henhouse, the old rooster eyed him and said, "look, son, i'm a bit old for fighting, so i'll make you a deal." "sure, pops", said the cocky (i know, i know) young rooster. "let's hear it". "i'll race you around the barn, and if i win, you gotta leave", said the old rooster, "and if you beat me, i'll just mosey on down the road, and all these cute little hens will be yours." the young rooster looked at the old rooster's bony, bent legs, and said "you're on, gramps!" "just one more thing", said the old rooster, "you gotta give me three steps head start". "ha ha! no problem", said the young rooster. "you just take off any time you're ready". with that, the old rooster took off around the barn. when he had gone three steps, the young rooster ran after him. as they rounded the first corner, the young rooster had easily made up a step on the old rooster. by the time they reached the second corner, he had made up a second step. by then, the old rooster was breathing hard, and the young rooster was only a short step behind. as they rounded the last corner, and headed down the home stretch, the farmer stepped out of the barn with his double-barreled shotgun, and blew the young rooster into a pile of sticky feathers. "god damn it!", shouted the farmer. "that's the third queer rooster this month!" ______________________________________________________________________________ Submitted by: Denise Miller Author: Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Subject: Toilet Toupee, ______ Toilet Toupee, n.: Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" __________________________Send Jokes--Have a nice day._________________________ The above collection of characters was mailed to you by Jeffrey H. Knodel. The humor contained herin is in the public domain (unless otherwise noted), and is yours to do with as you please. Submissions, questions, etc. should be sent to knodel@cis.ohio-state.edu. To subscribe, send me a letter asking to be added, and include your correct internet address in the body. [For anyone who may have left their brain in a glass of water next to their bed this morning, No one has been forging articles from me, I just myspelt Berry as Barry, err, Barry as Berry, err, anyway, I'm berry, err, barry sorry.]