Welcome to the first edition of É » ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍͻ É » Ë º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º ÌÍÍÍÍ͹ º º º º º º º º º º ÉÍ º º º º º º º º º Ê ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ È ¼ þ ltimate uide to umour Released August 4th, 1991. Compiled, edited, corrected, censored a bit, etc by Hamish Moffatt. Cloud Nine! Fidonet 3:635/552 Thundernet 13:100/600 Rainbownet 199:4242/10 You can also contact on APANA (*) as hamish@guru.pub.uu.oz.au. Submissions are welcome; post to the above adresses. Thanks to everyone on Fidonet's HUMOR, Fidonet's AUS.JOKES, Rainbownet's HUMOUR and numerous other people. The following pages are not intended to be offensive to anyone in particular. An attempt has been made to keep swearing to a minimum. If you are offended by any of this material, don't read it! Disclaimer: None of this document is guaranteed to be error free or correct in anyway. There is no waranty or guaranty on it. The jokes are copyright their respective authors I guess, but this compilation is copyright Hamish Moffatt. OK?! * APANA: Australian Public Access Network Association UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 01 Q: Hear about the Irish Jellyfish? A: It set! Q: Hear about the Irish Woodworm? A: Found dead in a brick! Q: Why did the leper losse the fight? A: He kept throwing fists instead of punches! Q: Hear about the lepers playing cards? A: One threw in his hand, one cried his eyes out, and the other laughed his head off! Q: How do you make a skeleton? A: Put a leper in front of a fan! Q: How do you make a leper? A: Throw meat pies at a skeleton! Q: Hear about the Irishman who won the Tour De France? A: Did a lap of honour! Q: Why did hitler fail his driving licence? A: He was too heavy on the gas!!!! An Irishman returned home one evening a little earlier than usual and found his wife in bed with a stranger. He went into a fit of anger and took a gun from the cupboard and proceeded to put the barrel in his mouth and cock the hammer. His wife cried out..."Dont do it Paddy!!!!!!..I can explain everything!!" "Shutup Woman!!!" He cried out....."Your Next!!!!!!" Q: Why do New Zealand racehorses run so fast? A: Because they've seen what happens to the sheep! Q: What do you call 250 abos buried up to their necks in sand? A: An unfinished job! Q: What do you call 100 abos at the bottom of your pool? A: A bloody good start. Q: What do you call an abo in a mercedes? A: A thief. Q: What do you call an abo in a bombed out kingswood with no wheels? A: A tenant. Q: What do you call an abo in a suit and tie? A: The defendant! Q: What is the difference between a dog struck dead by a car, and an abo struck dead by a car? A: There will be skid marks in front of the doggie! Q: What is the difference between a jew and a pizza? A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!!!! UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 02 There was this guy driving this truck along a stretch of highway. Suddenly, he sees a black figure walking in the distance. 'Great he thinks as he starts to accelerate, 'an Abo'. He goes fatser and fater until splat... Afew minutes later the same thing happens 'Wow an Abo'... Splat. After about 2 minutes he sees another black figure in the distance. Immediately he starts to accelerate. Suddenly, he sees that its a priest and not an Abo. Quickly he slams on the brakes and stops an inch away from the priest. Embarassed he says 'Would you like a lift?" To which the priest agrees. They are going silently along now and suddenly the driver sees another black figure in the distance. Reflex causes him to start to speed up right away. Suddenly, he remembers the proest beside him 'Shit!' he thinks and having no time to slam on the brakes he swerves narrowly missing the Abo. A couple of hundred metres down the road he stops the truck and turns to the priest and says 'Gee, You know I'm really sorry about that'. To which the priest replies 'No worries, I got him with the door!' There was a minister that had found that he was growing away form his congregation, so in an atempt to come closer to his parishioners he decided to visit each of them personally. At the home of one elderly widow he was invited in but asked to sit and wait while she finneshed preparing her evening meal. As he sat he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the side table and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise, he ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts. When the woman returned from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely sorry and quit embarrassed, but in his hunger he had eaten all of her peanuts. She replied by saying, " Don't worry pastor, since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway....." Q: Why wouldn't the Irish man become a Jeovah witness? A: Because he hadn't seen the accident. Q: How many Irish men does it take to make chocolate chip biscuits? A: One to make the dough and 18 to shell the smarties. Then there was the polician who had a brain transplant. His body rejected it ... they reckoned at the autopsy that it was because his system had never experienced such a thing before ... A little boy painted his face Black and ran in to see his Dad and said "Look Dady I'm an aboriginal" His Dad said "Don't be a idiot go & wash it off!" The little boy ran to see his mother and said "Mum look l'am a aboriginal" His mother said "Don't be stupid go wash the paint off!" The Little boy goes to the bathroom crying and says to himself "l've been black for six min's and alredy a hate these white barsteds." A man walked into a bar. It hurt. A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt power line today. The result blacked out fourteen hundred homes and of course, the raccoon. Q: What do you call a Black guy on a moped? A: A thief! UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 03 ---------------------------- NEWS FLASH ----------------------------------- Environmental action groups opposed to the proposed Cape York Space Centre today expanded their focus to cover the entire south Pacific region when they launched legal proceedings in the Supreme Court to halt all missile launching activities of a small private enterprise group operating from a tiny island in the mid pacific. The head of the company concerned (International Rescue Pty Ltd.), a Mr Jeff Tracy, refused to comment on the issue with our reporter and was last seen having a heated conference on the matter with his ashtray. A spokesperson for "Rainbows Not Rockets" announced that the environmental lobby was seeking the immediate grounding of Thunderbird 3, to have Thunderbird 1 restricted to horizontal flight only, and that there should be no further flights of Thunderbird 2 until an envitonmental impact study into its effects upon historic palm trees is completed. "We are very concerned about the damage caused to these trees due to their proximity to the runway, they are simply incapable to jumping out of the way when Thunderbird 2 takes off", the spokesperson stated. And some late news just to hand, several protesters have evaded Tracy Island security and have reportedly chained themselves to Tin Tin. More on this story as it comes in...... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Telecom linesmen were working on a line, way out in the bush. They had both stopped for lunch and after a few beers one went up to a bush for a leak. As he was relieving himself a startled snake (which found itself being pissed upon) reared up and bit him on the end of his "old fella". Moaning in pain and holding his injured member he went running back to his mate. "No worry" said his mate, "I'll call for help." Suiting action to words he climbed the nearest telephone pole, clipped his telephone to the line, and with the help of the exchange dialed the nearest doctor (200Km away). "My mate has been bitten by a snake" he called into the telephone. "What sort of snake was it?" requested the doctor. He described the snake in graphic detail. "That is an extremely poisonous snake" said the doctor, "You must suck all the poision out of the wound immediately, otherwise your friend will die in five minutes." He thanked the doctor and quickly climbed down the pole. "What did the doctor say?" asked the wounded linesman. "He said that you are going to die in five minutes." Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His mouth is open! Q: What's red and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket. Q: What's blue and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket painted blue. Q: What's green and square? A: A lemon in disguise. Q: What do you call 3 white guys in a white limo? A: White Supremacy Q: What do you call 3 black guys in a black limo? A: Black Power Q: What do you call 3 hispanics in any car? A: Grand Theft Auto! UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 04 A guy goes to a doctor because he is losing weight. He finds out he has a tapeworm, and is instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a twinkie, and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he is being examined the doctor shoves the muffin, the twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's butt. He protests but the doctor talks to him and calms him down, saying it is part of the therapy. This happens for about a week and every time the doctor shoves a muffin,twinkie, and a cookie up his rear end. He is instructed next to bring a muffin, twinkie, and a mallet, and yet again the doctor shoves the muffin and the twinkie up his butt and simply waits.... The tapeworm appeared out of his a-hole and demands "WHERE'S MY COOKIE?" This polish guy walks into a drug store and says to the clerk "I would like to buy a condom.". The clerk says "That will be 25 cents". The polish guy says "Great, I'll by 4". The clerk says "That will be a dollar and eight cents". The polish guy says "What's the eight cents for?" The clerk says "Tax." The polish guy says "Oh, that's what you hold them on with". A women, really pissed off at her husband, when he comes home one day, says to him "You know, I just cheated on you... I had an affair with your BEST friend!!!". The husband says "Really? Then you must be a lesbian!" A police man pulls over a man driving on the freeway and says "Mister, did you know your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?". The jewish man said "Thank god, for a moment there, I thought I was going deaf!" Little Miss Muffett sat on her tuffett, Eating her curds and whey, Along came a spider, And sat down beside her, And said, "What's in the bowl BITCH?" An old man and an old lady were out on their porch one day enjoying themselves. The man turns to the woman and screams to her "&%$^ YOU!". She turns back and retorts "Well &^%$ YOU right back!". This continues for about 15 minutes when they end up exhausted and go into the house. As they enter, the man turns to the woman and says "I'll never figure out what these kids see in oral sex......" A girl came home from college and said to her mother: "Mom, I have a case of VD." "Put it in the cellar. Your father'll drink anything." Q: How do you tell the polish secratearies? A: They're the ones with White out all over their computer screens!!! Q: What do you call a Polak in a $2000.00 hat? A: Your Holiness! Q: What did the little black boy say when he had diehrea? A: Mummy Mummy, I'm melting!!!!! Q: Who was Alexander Graham Polaski? A: The first telephone Pole... Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A: One less drunk. UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 05 USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN: Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR: I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE: I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST: It is exceptionally kind of you to allow mw to travel in the trunk of your car. KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VAJAYEII AMRIKAHEY: I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters. BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!: Whatever you say! MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN: The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM: The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe. FASHALEH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHV AREHMAN: If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. A lady was inside of an elevator and she had to fart really bad. She thought to herself "What am I going to do if someone comes in and smells I'm going to be so embarrassed." Then she thought "If I spray this can of Pine air freshner noone will ever know what I did." so she farted and one floor later a biker stepped in and the lady said "What does it smell like in here?" The biker replied "It smells like someone shit a Christmas tree in here." There men died and went to Hell. The Devil stood in front of them and said "All three of you weren't bad enough to go straight to Hell, so you get another chance. If you can tell me something I can't do you can go to Heaven." The first man said to make him a car made of solid gold that would run on gas. The Devil did and the man went into Hell.The second man said "Make me a house made of solid silver." The Devil did and the guy went into Hell. The last man was a biker and he was laughing. The Devil said "How can you laugh when you are facing going to Hell?" The biker looked and him, farted and said "Catch it." Q: What's the difference between an orange? A: A helicopter, because motorcycles don't have doors! UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 06 Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her." An Israeli, an Arabic, and an American were walking in the desert. The Israeli brought some water - "If I'll get thirsty, I'll drink." The Arabic brought some bread - "If I'll get hungry, I'll get some food." But the American brought a car's door - "Why? Because If I'll get hot, I'll open the window!" Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Patient: What's the bad news? Doctor: You'll have the pain the rest of your life. Patient: Then what's the good news? Doctor: It won't be that long. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a Marine Drill Sargeant who was REALLY tough, with an unequaled reputation for brutality and harshness. One day, his Leutenant called him in: "Sargeant Simmons?" "YESSIR!! Reporting as ordered, SIR!" "Sargeant, Do you have a young man named Wilson in your unit?" "YESSIR! Corporal Wilson. He's back at the barracks, SIR!" "Well, Sargeant, I just got a telegram telling me Corporal Wilson's grandmother just died. She was his only living relative. You'll have to break the news to him. Dismissed." The Sargeant leaves the office and races back to the barracks, bursts open the door, and bellows, "Company B! Fall OUTTT!!" The men, sensing big trouble, rush outdoors and get immediately in formation. "'Ten-SHUN!!" They snap to attention. "Corporal Wilson! Your grandmother just died!" The young trainee hears that, and falls over in a dead faint. The medics are called, and he is taken to the infirmary. A couple of weeks later, Sargeant Simmons is summoned to the Leutenant's office again: "Ah, Sargeant..." "Yessir!" "Do you have a man named Gomez in your unit?" "YESSIR! Pfc Gomez. He's, ah, back at the barracks, SIR!" "Well, we have another one of those problems, Sargeant. Gomez' grandmother just died. Only living relative. You'll have to tell him. But, you must be gentle here. Corporal Wilson is still on sick leave from the way you told him. Be very gentle..." "YESSIR!! I'll be REAL-L-L gentle! Count on ME, SIR!" And away he rushes, back to the barracks, where he again storms through the door, bellowing, "Company B!! Fall OUU-TT-T!" Everyone rushes out and into formation. "'Ten-SHUN!!" They snap to attention, fearing the worst. "Awright, everyone who has a grandmother, Fall OUT!...Not so fast, Gomez!" Sign seen on a venetian blind salesman's van: "BLIND MAN DRIVING" UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 07 Memorandum To: All Re: New work rules. SICKNESS. No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. LEAVE OF ABSENCE (for an operation) We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have and you should not consider having something removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. DEATH (other than your own) This is no excuss. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date. DEATH (your own) This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. Also, entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose surnames begin with "A" will be allowed to go from 9-9:05 A.M., and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again. Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? A: I don't know and I don't care! A patient came into a doctors office one day and told the doctor his problem. "Doc, I can't sleep very well at night. One night I dream I'm a teepee, and the next night I dream I'm a wigwam. What can I do?" "Well, first of all calm down. You're two tents. Q. What do you say to a black man in a three piece suit? A. Will the defended please rise. What do you call a white man surrounded by nine black? COACH!!! What do you call a white man surrounded by 550 black men? WARDEN Patient: "Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this" Doctor: "I have the solution" Patient: "Tell me please" Doctor: "Don't do that" Q: What do you get when you cross Dan Quayle and James Dean? A: A rebel without a clue. Man: Doctor last night I dreamed I was a tuba. The night before I dreamed I was a trumpet. What's wrong? Doctor: I think your just a little horny. UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 08 THE 747 HAS EVERYTHING A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the men's room. Each time that he tried the door, it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he use the ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked WW, WA, PP, an ATR. Eventually, his curiosity go the better of him sitting there. He carefully pressed the first button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed over his entire ass. He thought, "Golly, the gals really have it made." Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA and warm air dried his ass completely. He thought that this was out of this world. The button marked PP yielded a large powder puff which powdered his bottom lightly with powder. Naturally, he just couldn't resist the last on marked ATR. When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse, and when she appeared, he cried out, "What Happened?" "The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the button ATR, which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." Q: How is a virgin like a new screen door? A: They both will loosen up after you bang them a few times! THE LITTLE ENGINEER A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,"All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell of now Cause this is the last stop and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're leaving! The mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with the train. But I want you to use nice language. Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumes playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope that you will be riding with us again. soon". "For those of you just boarding, We ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today". "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." There is this young piece of string who wants to be like the grown-ups (ropes). So he goes into a bar and asks for a drink of hard liquor. The bartender (a braided old rope) says, "we don't serve strings in here, get lost". So the string leaves discouraged but soon decides to disguise himself and try again. So to look bigger he ties himself in a knot and frays both of his ends. He goes back into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "aren't you the same string that was just in here?" To which the string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot". UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 09 There were these three old guys sitting around at a rest home, discussing their health. The first guy, 70 years old, said "I just wish I was still able to take a good PISS!". The second guy, 80 years old, said "Yeah, me too. But more than anything, *I* wish I could still take a good SHIT!" The third old codger, at 90 years of age, said "I take a good piss every morning about 7:30 AM. Then, about 9:20, I take a good SHIT. I just wish I could wake up earlier than ELEVEN...." One day a man was walking down the street with his pet penguin when a cop stopped him..."what are you doing with that penguin...don't you know that penguins aren't allowed on the street!" the cop said.. "Oh..it's okay, I'm just taking him to the zoo..." the man said.. The cop replies, "Oh, okay, go ahead." So the next day the man is walking down the street with the penguin and the cop catches him again.. Cop: "Hey you know that penguins aren't allowed on the street and what happened..I thought you took him to the zoo yesterday..." Man: "Yeah I did & today I'm taking him to the movies." There were three couples who wanted to be members of a church. An elderly couple, a middleaged couple and a newlywed couple. The preacher says, "Well to become members you have to abstain from sex for one whole month". They all agree and arange to return in one month. After the month had passed the preacher was asking them about how well they had done. The elderly couple reported they had succeded with little difficulty. The middleaged couple said it was challenging but that they had also succeded. Then the preacher asked the newlyweds how they had done. The husband said, "Well, the first two weeks were ok, the third week was really challenging, but during the fourth week my wife bent over to get a can of vegtables and I just lost all control." The preacher said, "Well then I'm sorry to say that you can't become members of our little church." To which the husband replies, "That's okay, they won't let us back in the grocery store either." TWENTY TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM EXCITABLE: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. SOCIABLE: joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. CROSSEYES: looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink. CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. FRIVOLOUS: plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. WORRIED: not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. ABSENT-MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. SNEAK: farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed. PATIENT: stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand. DESPERATE: waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. TOUGH: bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. EFFICIENT: waits until he has to crap, then does both. FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe. LITTLE: stands on box, falls in, drowns. DRUNK: holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away. CONCEITED: holds two inch dick like a baseball bat. UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 001 Page 10 BUMPER STICKERS * I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having my plant's neutered. * Do we know that life has a cause? * I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out. * Life is recursive. * Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way. * Plagarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more. * Don't take life to seriously, it's not permanent. * Gravity always gets me down. * Never go into a hug off balance. * When all else fails, lower your standards! * If your going to panic, panic constructively. * You can't fall off the floor. * Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones. * Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. * You've been leading a dogs life. Stay off the furniture. * The solution to the problem changes the nature of the problem. * The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory. * You know its a bad day when... ...the sun comes up in the west. ...you jump out of bed and miss the floor. ...you put both contact lenses in the same eye. ... your pet rock snaps at you. ...your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. ...your income tax refund check bounces. ...you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. ...Suicide prevention puts you on hold. * Smile...tomorrow will get worse. * Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. * A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep. * I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere. * The shortest distance between two points is under construction. * Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day. * Your lucky number has been disconnected. * If at first you don't suceed, redefine success. Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley. Three pretty stupid people were lost in a desert. They came to a tent in which the shiek's wives dwelled. a guard outside told them NOT to try anything with the women. the men didn't listen. The sheik caught them in the act. for punishment he asked the first man what his job was, to which the man reppled, "a fireman." and so his penis was burned off. The second repplied "a butcher", and so his penis was chopped off. and the third replied, "a lollipop taster." Q: What's got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog. Q: What's purple and yellow and floats at the bottom of your pool? A: A baby with slashed floaties.