Welcome to É » ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍͻ É » Ë º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º º ÌÍÍÍÍ͹ º º º º º º º º º º ÉÍ º º º º º º º º º Ê ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ È ¼ þ ltimate uide to umour Released August 4th, 1991. Compiled, edited, corrected, censored a bit, etc by Hamish Moffatt. Cloud Nine! Fidonet 3:635/552 Thundernet 13:100/600 Rainbownet 199:4242/10 You can also contact on APANA (*) as hamish@guru.pub.uu.oz.au. Submissions are welcome; post to the above adresses. Thanks to everyone on Fidonet's HUMOR, Fidonet's AUS.JOKES, Rainbownet's HUMOUR, Thundernet's TN_FUNNY and numerous other people. The following pages are not intended to be offensive to anyone in particular. An attempt has been made to keep swearing to a minimum. If you are offended by any of this material, don't read it! Disclaimer: None of this document is guaranteed to be error free or correct in anyway. There is no waranty or guaranty on it. The jokes are copyright their respective authors I guess, but this compilation is copyright Hamish Moffatt. OK?! * APANA: Australian Public Access Network Association UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 01 Bob complains to his doctor that the frequent headaches that he's experienced over the past 5-6 years have grown unbearable in the last couple of months. The doctor suggests a few days' visit to the hospital for some tests and Bob agrees. After a lenghty battery of tests, the doctor returns to Bob's room with news. "We've discovered the cause of your headaches," says the doctor, "and we can cure them, but you'll have to undergo surgery." "What kind of surgery?" Bob asks. "I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated" said the doctor. "CASTRATED ??!!! NO WAY!" Bob screams (making his current headache even worse), "I'd rather suffer the headaches!" A few weeks after checking out of the hospital Bob returns to his doctor. "Doc, I can't stand it anymore. I'll do anything to get rid of this pain" Bob is admitted to the hospital and surgery is performed. After a normal period of recovery Bob is released. On the day of his release he is feeling SO GOOD that he decides to buy himself a new suit to celebrate his return to work. "Good afternoon, Sir ... may I help you?" asks the tailor. "I just got out of the hospital and haven't felt this good in years," Bob explains, "and I want to buy a new suit to celebrate. "Well, you've come to the right place!" exclaims the tailor. "Let me see now...Hmmmm... " the tailor crosses his arms and rubs his chin deep in thought as he looks Bob up and down. "I'd say that you're about a 44 Long." "That's right!" says Bob as he slips into the coat that the tailor has picked for him. "A perfect fit, too!" "I've been doing this for 35 years, son, and I can just LOOK at a man and tell his size. Now let's see about those trousers.. say.. about.. a 36 X 33" "Amazing!" Bob exclaims. "They fit like a glove." "Like I said, my boy, I've been at this for 35 years. To me it's second nature. How about a new shirt? ..... about a 16 X 34, right?" "Incredible!" Bob is truly amazed at this point as he puts on the shirt. "I'll take three of these" he says. "Will that be all, sir?" the tailor asks? "Yes.. well, no.." says Bob, thinking out loud, "I need to pick up some underware" "Hmmmm....," says the tailor as he surveys Bob's midsection, "size 36." "Nope. I got you there." Bob says " I wear a size 32 brief." "Can't be" says the tailor. "I've been doing this for 35 years and I can state my reputation that you wear a size 36." "Nope," says Bob, "I'm a 32 in the underware department." The tailor scratches his head and begins to argue but changes his mind. "OK, sir. I'll sell you a size 32 ..... but they'll pinch your balls so bad you'll have migraine headaches." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Black kid: "Mum, how come I have the biggest &%$# in fourth grade?" Mum: "It's because you're 17." UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 02 Q: What do you call a pimple on a polacks ass? A: A Brain tumor. Q: What do you call a Mexican Baptism? A: Bean Dip. Q: What do you call an aboriginal on a hunger strike? A: Unleaded Q: What's brown and rolls around the garden? A: A baby covered in tarantulas! Q: Why is a pool table green? A: If someone hit your balls with a stick, you'd be green too! Q: Why is a fire engine red? A: If someone pulled your hose, you'd be red too! Q: Why does Peter Pan fly high? A: If someone hit your peter with a pan, you'd fly high too! Q: What happened to the fly on the toilet seat? A: It got pissed off! Q: Where is Kuwait? A: Between Iraq and a hard place. Q: Why did the moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the moron bring a ladder to the party? A: He heard the drinks were on the house. The teacher's standing in her classroom (a prep grade school), and this kid, called Frank, comes in with a HUGE smile on his face. The teacher says, "Why are you so happy, Frank?" Frank says, "Because I've been playing in the sand!" Teacher: "Well, Frank, if you can spell sand, I'll give you an icecream and let you go home early." Frank: "S-A-N-D".. Gets the icecream and goes home. Then this other girl, Rebecca, comes in, again with a HUGE smile on her face. Teacher: "What are you so happy about, Rebecca?" Rebecca: "Because I've been having fun on the swing!" Teacher: "Well if you can spell fun, you can have an icecream and go home early." Rebecca: "F-U-N" gets icecream, goes home... Then this aboriginal girl comes in, named Jaca Jaca, crying. Teacher: "What's the matter Jaca Jaca?" JacaJaca: "I've been trying to play on the swing, and they won't let me.. Then the sand, and they won't let me!" Teacher: "That's blantant racial discrimination! Well, Jaca jaca, if you can spell BLANTANT RACIAL DISCRIMINATION, you can have an icecream and go home early..." UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 03 Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he/she's going to hit the ground ? A: When his/her dog's leash goes slack ... Q: How do you get 1000 Vietnamese refugees in a Coke Can? Q: What's grosser than gross? A: Jumping off the Empire State Building and getting your eyelid caught on a nail! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE DONKEY WHO WAS A RACE HORSE A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horseracing, decided to put chase on and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a Donkey, he figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the race. The Donkey came in third, the next day, the daily racing form carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS The preacher was so pleased with the donkeys performance that he entered it in another race. This time, he won. The Form Read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper next day read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS This was too much for the Bishop; he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to the nearby convent. The headlines the next day read: NUN'S HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN The Bishop fainted. He informed the nuns they must dispose of the donkey. They finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10.00. The next day the papers headline state: NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS. They buried the bishop the next day. The following day headline's revealed: TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOPS DEATH The donkey lived happily ever after on the farm doing what donkeys do; making asses out of themselves - isn't that also what we do? UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 04 Q: How do you stop 5 black guys from raping a white girl.. A: Throw them a basketball. Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room? A: Depends on how thin you slice them! A dog was running across a muddy field with 3 or 4 more running after it. Two other dogs saw them and gave chase, making up the distance quite rapidly, only to have mud thrown all over them. One of the trailing dogs said to the other "Ain't it a bitch ?" The other dog replied "Damn it better be !!!" One day, a jogger passed by a middle-aged woman sitting in her wheel-chair by the lake in the park. She was crying profusely. The man approached her and asked her what was wrong, to which she replied, "I'm 42 years old and I've never been kissed." The man looked around to make sure that no one was looking, pulled the woman up out of her chair, and gave her a kiss. She stopped crying, and a smile broke across her face. The next day, the same man passed the same woman who was crying in the same chair, by the same lake, in the same park. He approached her and asked her what was wrong to which she replied "I'm 42 years old and I've never been &%#@ed." The man made sure no one was looking,got her blanket and streched it out on the grass, then reached down and lifted the woman out of the chair, and placed her on the blanket. He then got hold of her wheelchair and threw it in the lake. He turned to the women and said "Now you're &%$#ed!" There once lived a man with a maddening passion for baked beans, he loved them but they always had an embarrassing somewhat odorous action on him. However, one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to himself, "She's such a sweet gentle girl, she'll never go for this carrying on." So he made a supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans, and they were married. Some months later his car broke down on the way home and since he lived in the country and would have to walk home he telephoned his wife and told her he would be late. On the way home he passed a small eating place and the fresh smell of baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that the walk would neutralise any ill effects before he got home - so he stepped in and ate three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he phut-phutted merrily along, so he felt reasonably safe when he got to his front door. His wife, quite excited at his arrival said, "Darling, I have the most wonderfull surprise for your dinner tonight", and then blind-folded him and led him to the dinner table. He seated himself and just as she was about to remove the blind-fold, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to undo the blind-fold until she returned and then went to answer the phone. He seized the chance to and shifted his weight to one leg and let fly. It was not only loud but ripe. He took his napkin and vigorously fanned the air about him. He just had things back to normal when he felt another explosion coming. With amazing rapidity he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This one was a true prize winner. He again had to clear the air as best as he could, keeping his ear glued to the conversation in the hall. He went on like this for some four or five minutes until he heard the farewells on the phone. He arranged his plate, silverware and napkin as well as he could in front of him folding his arms on the edge of the table and smiling slightly awaited the return of his wife. After apologising for taking so long she asked if he had peeped and he truthfully stated that he had not. With a flourish and a smile, she removed the blind-fold and there to his surprise... Were twelve guests around his dinning table. UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 05 Two couples who had been great friends since they had gotten married decided to share a camping vacation. They pitched two tents and cooked their dinners over a roaring campfire. Ample supplies of booze made the food tastier. When it came bedtime, one of the men asked the other three: "What do you think of all this switching around that's going on?" The question excited the others, and they decided to experiment. After a few hours, the man turned to his new bedmate and said, "I haven't had such a great time in years. Do you think the girls are having as much fun as we are?" It seems there was this apple farmer experimenting with cross-breeding apples and he's finally got the hybrid breed down pat, so he goes in to the US Patent Office to see about getting a patent for his apples. The patent officer is skeptical, though, and says "What's so special about your apples that you want a patent for them? An apple is an apple as far as I'm concerned." So the farmer convinces the patent officer to come out to the orchard to see for himself. At the orchard the officer is still quite reluctant. "Well they look like any old apple I've ever seen, what's the big deal ?", he says. So the farmer says "Go over to that tree there, pick yourself off an apple and take a bite out of it." So he does, and says "Damn, that tastes just like a peach!" Farmer says "Well spin that sucker around." So the officer spins it around and bites out of the other side and says "Well that tastes just like a banana !" But now the officer thinks he's been set up and that the farmer had the apple planted there just to fool him. So the farmer tells him to go to any tree in the orchard and pick off an apple and take a bite out of it. The officer goes down a few rows, and a few trees in, picks off an apple and takes a bite. "This tastes just like a grape !" he says. The farmer replies "Well spin that sucker around." He spins it around and takes a bite out of the other side, and says "Damn that tastes just like an orange !!" The officer is ready to grant him a patent on the spot, and then he starts thinking. He says to the farmer "You know what would really be amazing is if you had an apple that tastes like pussy! The farmer looks at him, scratches his chin, and says "Tell you what, go down to that last tree in the row here, pick yourself off an apple and take a bite out of it." So the officer goes and grabs an apple and takes a bite out of it and says "Gawd, this thing tastes like SHIT !!" And the farmer says "Well spin that sucker around !" It seems there was a young man in the hospital with both his legs broken from a motorcycle accident. The poor guy couldn't use the bathroom on account of his condition, so they had a urinal device hooked up for him. As the nurses went about their duties they couldn't help but notice his privates, as they were "rigged up" to this device. They also couldn't help noticing he had a tattoo right there that read SHORTY. Well they were all curious but they didn't want to embarrass the guy by asking him about it, as he was only a couple inches anyway. So they just went about their business and pretended not to notice. Several weeks go by, and the man is well enough to get out of the hospital. As the nurse is seeing him out, he asks her for a date. She thinks "Well, he's young, he's pretty good-looking, he's just a little small where it counts is all." So she decides it couldn't hurt to go out with him once, and accepts. The next day, this nurse comes in to work, looking wrung- out, barely able to walk. All the other nurses ask what ever happened to her, and she replies "Well I went out last night with that guy with the broken legs, and we went to dinner and a movie, and then ended up in bed together at my place." "So what's the deal ?" they all ask; "He was so small he had a tattoo that said SHORTY, how come you look so worn-out?" The nurse replies "Well, SHORTY is the only part of the tattoo that we could see, the whole thing read Shorty's Bar and Grille, Chattanooga, Tennessee !!" UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 06 Scarlett and RoseMarie were sitting on the porch one day having a conversation. RoseMarie: Scarlett, do you see this pretty dress I'm wearing ? It cost five thousand dollahs. My daddy bought this for me. Scarlett: That's nahce (nice, to you northerners) RoseMarie: Scarlett, do you see this beautiful dahmond ring on mah finger? It cost ten thousand dollahs. My daddy bought that for me. Scarlett: That's nahce. RoseMarie: Scarlett, do you see that new Mercedes out front ? It cost fifty thousand dollahs. My daddy bought that for me. Scarlett: That's nahce. RoseMarie: Scarlett, what did your daddy ever do for you ? Scarlett: Well RoseMarie, mah daddy sent me to finishin' school. RoseMarie: Finishin' school ? What's finishin' school ? Scarlett: That's where I learned to say That's nahce, instead of f**k you. Q. How did the Italians comes to America? A. One swam over and the rest walked over on the oil slick. Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another drink! Don't tell any big lies today, small ones can be just as effective! Barometer: Ingenious invention for telling what kind of weather we are having When you are up to your ears in it, keep your mouth shut! Children seldom mis-quote you, in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said! What's the difference between a nigger and a tyre? Tyres don't sing when you put chains on them. Q: Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the Sperm Bank? A: He was caught drinking on the job. Q: Why does Ray Charles smile all the time? A: Because he doesn't know he's black. Q: Why don't Irish people eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their heads into the jars. A man rubs a djinni lamp. The djinni comes out. "Your wish is my command, BUT, everything you get, your mother-in-law gets double." "OK. Give me a Ferrari." "Your Mother-in-law now has two Ferraris." "Give me $5,000,000." "Your mother-in-law now has $10,000,000." "Now, beat me half to death." Three old ladies were sitting on a bench when a flasher walked up to them and showed them his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke , the second lady had a stroke, the third old ladie's arms were too short to reach. Did you hear about the Polish lottery? The winner gets a dollar a year for a million years. UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 07 The only difference between having a dog on your front door step and farmer is that if you let the dog in the house it will quit whining. A long line has formed outside a Moscow meat market, where a large shipment of meat is due to arrive. It is a cold day, and the crowd is stamping its feet and clapping its hands to keep warm. After two hours of this, the manager of the meat market makes an appearance. "Comrades," he announces, "the shipment is on the way, but I have counted the number of people in line and there are too many people and not enough meat. And so I must ask that all the Jews go home." A large group then leave the line. After another hour, the manager comes out again. "Comrades, the meat has still not arrived, but I must tell you that there won't be enough. Therefore those of you who are not party members will please leave the line." Again a large group goes home. After another hour, the manager appears once more, "Comrades," he says, "I have bad news. The truck has broken down 40 kilometers away, and we won't have meat today. You might as well go home." Whereupon one party member turns to another and mutters, "Those damn Jews have all the privileges!" What he lacks in intelligence he makes up for in stupidity. You could make a fortune renting your head out as a balloon. I wouldn't fret so much if I were you; after all, we can't all be mentally sound. Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you... I never attack anyone who's unarmed. The only reason he manages to keep his head above water is that wood floats. I wouldn't say she's narrow minded... but if it gets any worse she'll only have to use one earring. My wife wants a vacuum for Christmas. Is your head available? You know, if brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose! You'll make money someday. Your ignorance is comical. What's on your mind? . . . if you'll please excuse the exaggeration. He has this awful flower disease; he's a blooming idiot! I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? Q: What do you call a FART in Ethiopia? A: A status symbol! Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink? Succumb to natural tendancies, be hateful and boring! Those who can't write, write manuals. Remember, even if you win the rat-race, you're still a rat! Do what comes naturally, seethe and fume and throw a tantrum! UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 08 This boy has been dating this girl for quite a long time when she finally talks him into meeting her mother. The couple decide to go to dinner first and then go to meet her mother. Well the boy is not looking forward to meeting the mother at all. When they arive at mother's home, the girl and her boyfriend sit on the sofa and the mother sits in a chair arcoss the room. Sitting at the end of the sofa next to the boy is the family dog named "Brutis". Well the boy, being nervous and all has developed a bad case of gas. The conversation is going well but the boy just can't hold it any longer and lets out a little fart. The mother speeks up and says "BRUTIS". The boy thinks "This is great, they think it was the dog". Times passes and he again lets another fart. Again the mother says "BRUTIS". The boy now thinks he has it made so he lets out one big final FART. The mother stands up and says "BRUTIS get yourself over here before he shits on you!!" Q. How come NASA decided to serve Sprite on board the Challenger? A. Because they couldn't get 7-UP! To err is human; And to blame it on someone else it even MORE human! Whats the most confusing day in Harlem? Fathers Day...... A woman is taking a shower when the doorbell rings. "Who is it" she yells from the shower. "The blind man" he replies. So she gets out of the shower and goes to the door, absolutely naked. She opens the door. The man says, "Nice breasts, where do you want your blinds!" Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head? A: Jack. Q: What do you call a man with a spade through his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a man without a spade through his head? A: Douglas. Q: What's the definition of dangerous? A: An epileptic lepper. Q: What goes plop plop plop? A: A lepper on a diving board. Those people who think they know everything are annoying those of us who do... Q: What do you call five abos in a jail cell? A: A mobile. Q: How do you four faggots onto one chair ?? A: Turn it upside down.. Q: Why do elephants wear condoms on their feet? A: Because if they step on you, you're f**ked! UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 09 Top 9 Excerpts From Death Threats 9. "...your vital organs will be sliced into ribbons and hung out to dry..." 8. "...remember when you last got your brakes fixed? Well..." 7. "...then, place in the microwave for two minutes..." 6. "...don't leave town..." 5. "...don't call the police...we OWN the police..." 4. "...on the street where you live..." 3. "...dice, julienne, bake..." 2. "...I know where each member of your family lives..." 1. "...with the multi-purpose self-sharpening locking spring-loaded blade..." Q: What is the longest 5 years of a polack's life? A: 2nd grade. Q: Did you hear about thr Irish water ski team? A: They searched the world for a sloping lake Q: What's transparent and lies in the gutter ? A: A black with the shit kicked out of it. The definition of insecure: I know a real funny joke, but I'm not going to tell you; you'd only laugh at me! The old farmer sees this government truck come rolling up, so he walks out to meet him. The guy gets out of the truck and starts climbing the fence leading into the farmer's barnyard. The farmer pulls him down off the fence and asks him what he's doing. The guy picks himself up, pulls out his badge and says "See this badge? I'm with the USDA. Yup, the United States Dept of Agriculture. I can GO ANYWHERE I want, and DO ANYTHING I want, so just kindly step aside." The farmer is overwhelmed: "Well, OK. Go ahead." No sooner than the guy lands in the barnyard pin, the farmer's big registered bull comes out to meet him. The inspector yells to the farmer for help. The farmer yells back: "SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!" What is the ultimate dilemna for a jew?? Free Ham! Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a loaf of bread? A: A loaf of bread doesn't scream when you put it in the oven! Q: What do you call a 75 year old hooker? A: Rent a wreck. Q. What are the hardest 3 years for New Zealanders? A. Third grade. Q. What do you call a Tasmanian with an IQ of 176? A. Hobart. Q. What does an abo call a sheet of corrugated iron? A. A doona. Q. How many people does it take to bury a negro? A. 4, 1 to throw him in the hole and 3 to lower the ghetto blaster. UGH! - Ultimate Guide to Humour Number 002 Page 10 Mommy, mommy, I don't want to see grandma! Shut up and keep digging. "Mommy, Mommy, Why is Daddy running?" "Shut-up, Kid, and reload!" Building Ups and Downs by L.E. Vator Q: Hear about the Irish prisoner they found dead in his cell with 12 bumps on his head? A: He tried to hang himself with a rubberband!! Q: What's Red & White and can't climb fences? A: Liverpool Supporters. A man hopped in a baloon a went for a ride, but the wind changed, and he went drastically off course. While floating across the sea,he came across an island. On the beach of this island he saw a man. He shouted down to the man "Where am I?". The man replied "You're in a balloon." The man in the balloon yelled back "You must be physicist." The man on the beach shouted back with "How'd you guess?". The reply came (rather loudly co-incidently) "Because you're answer was concise, precise, to the point, and totaly useless." There was this really fat, UGLY gin (for all you yanks, a gin is a female Australian Aboriginal....) and she was feeling just a tad sick, so she goes to see a doctor...She got into the doctors office, and sat down on the table.... the doctor took one look at her, and stood six feet back from her.... then he took a whiff of her, and stood another six feet back..... he thought to himself that he better get this over and done with, so he told her to take her clothes off, and he'd check her out..... a naked gin is enough to turn anybody off, and the doctor was extremely repulsed by this wobbling mass of black flesh.... he told her to go and stand in THAT corner of the room.....the gin complied..... then the doctor told her to go and stand in the OTHER corner of the room....again the gin obeyed the doctor...... then the doctor told her to go to the middle of the room and squat down.... The gin asked the doctor..."is dis helpin me, docta?....." The doctor replied "No...this isn't helping you, but now I know where to put my new black leather beanbag!......" Q: What is black and tan and looks very good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman! Q. Why do Americans talk so loudly? A. So they can hear themselves over their clothes. Q. What do you call a fat chinese?? A. A chunk Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?? A. Nobody eats parsley. Q. Whats happens to ducks who fly upside down? A. They quack up. Q. Why do dogs lick their balls? A. Because they can! Q. What do you call a Kiwi with 300 wives? A. A shepherd.