----------------------------------------
a bottomless pit
May 16th, 2020
----------------------------------------
That's what it feels like right now, even with all the
preparation. I lost my dad tonight. About an hour ago, in fact.
I didn't get to say goodbye, but my sister did. I'm glad for that.
He's not suffering anymore, and neither is my mom. I'm glad for
that too. I'm glad I had time to prepare for it, to think on it
and test my emotions in the years leading up to this. I'm also
really glad for all the time I had with him.
It's just that after all of that gratitude and reason I eventually
hit a memory where he isn't my dad, but he is daddy and I'm eight
years old again and it is an unfathomable pit of despair that
opens around me knowing that he's gone and I can't ever hold him
or talk to him again. I'll carry that part until my own days are
up.
I won't want my son to feel this way. I'll want him to be happy
with his life and live it brilliantly. My dad surely wants the
same. I'm glad for that knowledge too. I just miss my daddy.