WHAT IS A MIDLIFE CRISIS?
(Posted 2009-05-18 21:09:45 by Ray Lopez)

After a couple of years of trying to figure out just what the hell is wrong
with me, I've finally determined that I am going through a midlife crisis. 
It seems this is the normal course of action for guys my age, to quite
suddenly hit a stage in life where you question what you've done and what
you want to do.  

My midlife crisis is rather circumscribed.  I'm not wanting to abandon my
wife and kids, nor do I feel a great urge to make any expensive purchases
or spend any money on improving my physical appearance,  I'm quite alright
with the whole idea of getting old.  My midlife crisis takes the form of
the guy who has NO FUCKING CLUE WHATSOEVER what he should do with his life.
 

I have been blessed with a great many skills and abilities.  But there
doesn't seem to be any need or want of any of my particular skills or
abilities.  My work offers no stimulation of any sort.  I have no clue what
i want to do, what I need to do, or what I should do.  Well, that's not all
quite true:  I know for a fact that I need to be a good husband to my
loving wife and good father to my kids.  And I know that I must do God's
will.  Aside from that, I have no clue.  

God has been frustratingly silent, and even cruel lately.  A couple of
months ago I scored an interview for a faculty position at Our Lady of the
Lake University in San Antonio.  It seemed like the perfect job for me. 
But I went through the grind of the interview and came away not feeling
like I had landed the job, and sure enough a week and a half later I get
the phone call wishing me the best of luck.  [Side Note: I really, really
wish that if a job candidate has already been picked, or if the job is
going to go to someone else no matter what, that they'd just let you know
that up front.  Then you could kindly say "Thanks", grab some free drinks
and snacks, and leave.  I know that's not possible, but still.].

What that experience taught me is 1) I'm not in control, and 2) I don't
have any idea what I want or need to do with my life.  I'm glad I didn't
get the job because my gut was telling me that the fit just wasn't there. 
But it left me wondering about something:  I've always assumed that
teaching would be my true profession to do God's will for me, but now I
don't know.  

So I'm a bit down about all of this, and also down about some recent health
problems I've been having.  On a grander scale I am at peace with my health
problems, but this midlife crisis crap has really got me tied in a knot.  

I've resolved to just do some reading and see if I can figure out how to
make a better me from this experience.  That's about all one can do.  

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