date: Wed 25 Jun 2025 09:35:04 PM PDT
subj: life is a dream, is it real
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I argued with my wife today. I saw her frustration and it
effects me in a way I don't like. I lash out in some way. I want
her to be at peace but I only make it worse. I get asked
something and I answer, and my answer insults her. Then we argue
and I raise my voice and I hate it. If only I had the grace
like others do, a constant calmness infecting others, a smile, a
seat instead of standing. 


Life is a dream for sure, what luck I've had to be part of it,
what fortune I've been given. Where I live its not a fortune,
but in another place its riches. I've been given a second chance
in life for a dream of a family, and a beautiful wonderful woman
accepted me, and wanted to be part of me and share a life with
me and grant me children. I can't believe it at times why I was
chosen by her when she could have chosen anyone. 

Its nights like this that it feels like it will crumble in a
moment. I've seen it happen to many times to people. One day a
life as a dream, then next day that life dreams crumbling, as if
the dreamer is awakened. Which is it that I live, awake or
dreaming? 

I've tried to say I'll never raise my voice again, never argue
again, but seems would be like cutting out the heart of a tree
buried deep in within, surrounded by many rings of life. The
tree would perish. I will try again and again. I will be a
seedling for a short time, if its possible after a lifetime.