date: Sat 14 Jun 2025 11:49:39 PM PDT
subj: new parent twins frustration anger
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I hate being angry. 
Anger fuels feelings of anger. Its like a small fire and it
wants to be stoked, the more its stoked the more anger wants to
thrive in us. 
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These last couple of weeks have been rough. I was at work during
the day and taking care of twins in the evenings after work.
Seems like everything was coming at me from every direction.
Work stuff, weekend chores and obligations, my babies changing
weekly, and their fussy level has increased. There needs
increased from just eating sleeping, to needing more of their
parents. So lots of crying. When I'm working there is only one
parent available and when I'm on duty there is still only one
parent available. This means giving up showers, and my wife not
able to take a shower. My sister entering the hospital after
post surgery complications effect her brain. Complaints about
everything from the babies, my wife, the cat, work issues. I
felt like I had to solve everyone's problems including my own,
and I was running of mental energy. I'm only sleeping between 4
and 6 hours a night, all of it has started to wear on me. I
started to feel frustrated each day build more and more. With no
relief there is nothing to reset, so daily I could kinda feel my
anger bubbling up. At various times during the work day I wanted
to punch my work laptop, or snap it in half. Similar to the
video in the mid 2000's where the office worker in the cube just
let loose on his work station monitor. I love that video, but I
really didn't like the feelings I was having. 

At night with my babies becoming more and more fussy and not
knowing how to help them, they were starting to look like people
complaining instead of little babies. One would cry, then wake
the other, and the other would start crying. I would feed them
both but couldn't hold one long enough to comfort them, because
the other would toss the bottle away, or just cry start to have
reflux. So I would have to put down one child and help the
other, back and forth this went, and just crying and crying out
the little ones needing us at the same time and not being able
to help either. 

During the week I give up more and more of my own self care. I'm
not on my bike trainer or riding daily, I stopped my air squats
and push-ups. I'm showering every 2 to 3 days instead of daily.
These little things have a big impact on my regular sanity, even
without two little ones to care for. 

The day before I argued with my wife, and today I'm short with
my answers, not saying much as I work in my mind all the things
to try and figure out how to calm the babies, the cat, my wife,
and myself, while dealing with my desires to help my sister in
the hospital in another state. Stress is spilling over and I
have little to give. 

At night the babies are crying I'm trying to deal with them, but
they aren't stopping. My wife wakes up (she's supposed to be
resting) comes in and she can sense and see my frustration. She
tries to help but her being there is against me helping her get
rest she needs. Her presence is adding to the fuel of my
frustration and I can feel the anger appearing. She asks me if
I'm ok. She says you don't want to do anything you would regret.
I say I'm fine. As we interact with each other my short
responses to her appear snappy. I can tell I'm not ok. My voice
is louder than it should be, my demeanor is off, and my response
cadence has increased. She is worried and I decide I'm not OK. I
have to admit this to her and myself while my anger doesn't want
to admit such things. My anger doesn't want to admit I'm
weakened and failing. I tell her I have to go take a walk. I
leave the house and hope to see nobody. I just want to be alone
for a moment. I pick a route around the block I believe will
have less people.

As I walk I have feelings of defeat. I think its only been 7
weeks and I'm already in the state people talk about where a
parent is frustrated at their little baby. With each step I say
a prayer ohm mani padme hum. I then hear my wife's beautiful
words "they are babies." I repeat them in my mind and make them
my own. They are cute little babies who need us, they just need
us to hold them and comfort them. I think this over and over
again as I briskly walk around the block. I'm compelled to
return so my wife can go back to bed and rest. 

I make my way back in the house less angry less frustrated but
its still there a bit. Back into the nursery my wife is doing
her best to help our babies talking to them they way a loving
mother does. She stays up with me as our son cries he can't stop
crying. She takes him with her into the bedroom and tries to
comfort him via skin to skin contact by laying him on her chest.
I bring in our daughter and lay in the bed next to her, and
watch her. She is so beautiful as she does her best to help our
little boy. He calms a bit and our daughter calms down as she
rests on me. I'm also calmed down now. Our little boy is so
tired and uncomfortable. Or maybe he just doesn't like his
parents stressed out. 

Today is different, they are so much calmer and we are also
calm. Who started this, the babies, or the parents? 

I started today with the mindset of feeding my wife a cheese and
mushroom omelet with waffles. Let some good happen, while she
had the babies feeling comfortable I felt I was able to do
something for her. I got to do some chores and get ready for
family to appear tomorrow.