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--  date: Wed 19 Feb 2025 09:01:09 PM PST   --
--  subj: phlog gopher hole does it matter  --
--  auth: bbsing                            --
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I had a lot of melancholy thoughts earlier today. At work seeing
all the people in the lunch area sitting, talking, eating,
browsing their phones. Many of them younger than me, they are
young people. So many of them with their phones out looking at
their phone while they eat or they have it ready in some way. I
think of myself how old I must be, not ever pulling my phone out
for anything other than a call. Then seeing youth I got death
thoughts again, and I wonder does anything even matter. 

Does anything really matter? In some ways its a question not to
ask. If a person stumbles upon such a thought/question, there
really isn't enough time to figure out the answer, and probably
best never to even have such a thought. Although it got tears in
my eyes, with wonder what to do about existing. People care
about people, including me. I wonder about other animals. They
have thoughts and lives, like my beautiful cat. Her mother and
father left her long ago. My cat has been on her own almost all
her life. I care about her and if her life was to end I would be
extremely sad. Did my cat's mother think about her and miss her?
My mom and brothers left my life. Why do I need to believe
someone likes me or thinks about me? Why does it even matter?

When my father dies it seemed like he was all alone. His
apartment had broken pictures, computer on the floor, stuff was
disconnected, look like a fight happened. I was told sometimes
just before someone passes away they thrash the place. I wonder
if he knew his time was up? I hope he wasn't scared. I really
wish I was there with him to hold his hand, or cradle  his head,
anything to comfort him on is way. Writing this makes my eyes
water. Before I found out he died my mind never really
contemplated how real there is an end to every one of us,
included me and everyone I know and love. I think of my time
running out too much, it feels like I have no more time for
anything. I can feel time speeding up every day. All my
grandparents are gone. 

So with thoughts like this, I don't know why I would spend time
doing things for me, it feels like it would just be a waste of
time, and would serve no purpose. Like learning to place chess,
or reading LFS and building a distro, learning CW, re-studying
mathematics. 

I also wonder because I had these type of thoughts is that a
signal of something in me, or my spirit is reaching the end? I
don't really want that answer to that question.