_______ _ |__ __| | January 23, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) * ,MMM8&&&. * A veterinarian surgeon MMMM88&&&&& . had a bad day, but MMMM88&&&&&&& when he got home from * MMM88&&&&&&&& tending to all the MMM88&&&&&&&& sick animals, his wife 'MMM88&&&&&&' was waiting with a 'MMM8&&&' * _ long cool drink and a |\___/| \\ romantic candle-lit ) ( |\_/| || ' dinner. After dinner, =\ /= )a a '._.-""""-. // they had a few more )===( =\T_= / ~ ~ \// drinks and went / \ `"`\ ~ / ~ / happily to bed. | | |~ \ | ~/ / \ \ ~/- \ ~\ At about 2:00 in the \ / || | // /` morning, the phone jgs_/\_/\_ _/_/\_/\_/\_((_|\((_//\_/\_/\_ rang. | | | |( ( | | | | | | | | | | | | | | ) ) | | | | | | | | | | "Is this the vet?" | | | |(_( | | | | | | | | | | asked an elderly | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | lady's voice. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | "Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone." "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?" "Well, it should," said the vet, "It stopped ME!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-~-. .' '. / \ .-~-. : ; The elderly minister was searching .' '.| | his closet for his collar before / \ : church one Sunday morning. In the : ; .-~""~-,/ back of the closet, he found a | /` `'. small box containing 3 eggs and : | \ 100 $1 bills. He called his wife \ | / into the closet to ask her about `. .' \ .' the box and its contents. jgs `~~~` '-.____.-' Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the minister asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The minister felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Bob. Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked __ the psychiatrist. (__) [] "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured [] me for ten dollars." .------, [] _( )[] "Is that so! How?" .'`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^))\`.----'`[] { ~ - ~~ _ ~ - ~~ - ~ - (( | | [] "He told me to cut { )) | | [] the legs off the { ((__|_|-----[] bed!" { )) [] `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'-' [] (__) jgs (__) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ Making A Sandwich .----------' '-. / . ' . \\ A little boy and his mom go to the / ' . /| zoo one day. They're walking around / . \ / and looking at the animals when / ' . . . || | they come to the monkey cage, /.___________ ' / // where two monkeys are mating. |._ '------'| /| '.............______.-' / The little boy asks: "Mom, what |-. | / are they doing?" `"""""""""""""-.....-' jgs The mom answers: "They're making a sandwich." They continue looking at the animals and come to the elephant section, where 2 elephants are mating. The little boy asks his mom what they are doing and again she says they are making a sandwich. Later that night, the little boy and his mom happen to be coming out of their bedrooms at the same time. The little boy asks: "Mon, what were you doing in there?" She says: "I was making a sandwich." The little boy says: "Well, I hope you know you have mayonnaise all over your mouth!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. _____________________________________________________ [[]]-[[]]-[[]]-[[]]-[[]]-[[]]-[[]]-[[]]-[[]]-[[]]-[[]] Halfway .-.`| `-/-.__/.-'\_.-._,'/`-._'\_.-._`-'_/-._.'|/.-'\- across, one \_.-`./`-._'\__.-`-.__.-`--._/--.`-._\`-._\__.-)`-'._/ woman stops `._-'.\_.---._-.\_`-..`\_.---._`-.__.-`'._.--./`-'._,' and says to __/`.-/ `.'_`./`.' '.\__.-`.' (_.-\_,-. the other, `._-/' |._.-| |.'`.| `(_.`-._ "I've .-',`) | /`.| |`-/`| ;.-'_/ always `\,-/ |\.-'| |\-'`| ;\_,- wanted to -./`._ [[[[[[[[ [[[[[[[[ .',-' be like the `.`--.~~-^_~-/.`-._`-.\^~-_~-^/`-.'-,.'\^~-~_^"'`-.'_ guys, and -,.'"-"~^-~_ ~. ` ' ~^-_.~^-.`_' `.-^~- . "'"-"-"" urinate off ""-'"-""-"~- _~.^-~-^.-^_.- .^~.-_ ~-. ~^_-""-""-"'-" a bridge." jgs ""-'"-" ~- ^. - ~ -~^ - ~ ^~- ~ ""-"'-' The other woman looks around and says, "well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holly shit!" she exclaims, O__, O__, "I just pissed /'._|\/______|\_/.'\ in a canoe!" \ / / jgs~^~^~^~^^`~^~^~^~^~~^~^~^~^~^~^ Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks... ,. (\(\) "Where'd you get those eggs?" ,_ ; o > {`-. / (_) She replies, "We have our own chicken `={\`-._____/` | farm." `-{ / -=`\ | `={ -= = _/ / The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? `\ .-' /` {`-,__.'===,_ "No," she says. //` `\\ jgs // The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better `\= get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-99 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm