_______ _ |__ __| | July 20, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Thursday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,-"""-. While out one morning in the park, a jogger found /\ /\ a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around | | | | it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket \/ \/ of his shorts. jgs '-...-' Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once." If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _ _ _____ _____ _____ _ _ _ (_) (_) (_) [_____] [_____] [_____] (_) (_) (_) FCC ENACTS INTERNET MORSE CODE REQUIREMENT The FCC, under pressure to clean up the Internet, especially after the Communications Decency Act provisions regarding Internet content regulation were stricken as violating the U.S. Constitution, has decided instead to require a Morse code requirement for Internet users. Citing the success of the Amateur Radio Service and the general belief that its requirement for operators to pass a Morse code proficiency exam and other technical requirements, has kept the A.R.S. "clean", the FCC will enact a 5 word-per-minute requirement for all Internet users. They are leaving open the issue of whether there should be a "codeless" class of Internet user and are soliciting comments on this proposal. Persons wishing to develop a web site having only links to other web sites having links to other web sites, and so forth, must pass a 13 word-per-minute test and demonstrate proficiency in HTML, the Internet authoring language. Persons wishing to develop web sites that have actual content, as compared to just links to other web sites, must pass a 20 word-per-minute Morse proficiency test, demonstrate proficiency in HTML and the Java programming language, and show that they have mastery of at least one human language, such as English. The FCC, which lacks budgetary authority to implement the testing program, has stated that it intends to create Volunteer Examiner programs for Internet applicants. _ _ _ _____ _____ _____ _ _ _ (_) (_) (_) [_____] [_____] [_____] (_) (_) (_) _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Dead Horses ,%%%, % `%%%, Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you |x )`%%, discover you are riding a dead horse, the \_/\ %%%, best strategy is to dismount. __/ %%%--"""-.%, /`__| \%% In business, however, it seems that we \\ \ / | /'%, often try other strategies with dead \] | /----'. < `%, horses, including the following: || `>> > || ///` 1. Buying a stronger whip. jgs /( //( 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse." 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.-"""-. 25 Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee ." \ `". / .-"---._ \ |_/ _ _ `\_| 1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING. / | o o | \ \/ 7 \/ 2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two. \ .___. / '._ _ _.' 3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's ) ( jgs right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em. 4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying. 5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!" 6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball. 7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!) 8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus. ____ //---\\ 9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of || || fresh air. // ,// ` //' 10. Insist on being addressed by || .-"""-. your first AND middle names. || / .---. \ (e.g. Lisa Marie, John Michael, || | (///\\) | Jim Bob... you get the idea) || \( '.' )/ || \ e / 11. Frequently bring up "The War || .,_) (_,. of Northern Aggression" in (=\ (_) (_),/) conversation. If anyone ever ||\\//(`---`)\\// says the words "Civil War", || \/ \ / \/ always interject that "there || __\=/__ was nothing civil about it." ||.-'` .-"-. `'-. ||`"-'` `'-"``'. 12. Address all males as "son" and jgs /||) () (\ females as "little lady". / || () () \ ;) || () () ; 13. Correct their pronunciation of | || () () | certain words. For example: | || () () (| It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can". |()|| () | | || () () | 14. Put Tabasco on everything. | (|| () () | '--||'---'---'---'---'---' 15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say "Well, I'll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!" 16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones. 17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!) 18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction. 19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. 20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something. 21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do. 22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations... Offends the heck out of 'em. 23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.." 24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend. 25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm