_______________________________________________________________________________ _ _ _ _ ((___)) ((___)) [ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ] \ / presents... \ / (` ') (` ') (U) (U) INSTITUTIONALIZED by Necrovore (formerly The Raver) >>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<< -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- _______________________________________________________________________________ INSTITUTIONALIZED 3/22/88 Brief introduction by the author First of all, I have something that I would like to say before I get on with this file. Now I'm sure you know how common it has become for parents to throw their kids into institutions. Just some of the reasons are drug abuse, uncontrollable behavior, and suicide. This file was written from experience. I was thrown into the psycho ward of the North Carolina Baptist Hospital for all three of those reasons. But that was two years ago. Now I am not mentally ill. Nay, I just had my own fucking share of problems. A lot of my friends have had this same kind of experience happen to them, too. This file details how I whiled away my lovely three month vacation with crazies. There is also a bit of case history thrown in so that you will under- stand that there is no k-k00l d00d fabrication involved. This is not a joke. I don't want you to kill yourself. It's no fun (hah). And just because I make mention of attempting to kill myself while listening to Metallica does not mean I am putting down Metallica. On the contrary, I worship Metallica (Jaymz is fuckin God). And if you laugh at me and call me a dumbshit then by all means, go fuck yourself. I don't need your sympathy or your fucking inane insults. One last note. If you have read The Blade's file on getting people to commit suicide then I have this to say: ha ha, it's utter bullshit. If you were to walk up to me and say "Kill yourself" or if you were to rag on me with such lovely phrases as "Your sister fucks dogs" then I would crack a smile and proceed to rip your goddamned face off (then I'd eat it). So take note, The Blade's file is filled with bigotry, stupidity, and racist attitudes. How can you view a person like that as cool? Fuck off Blade and move to fucking East Germany where they'll actually fall all over themselves for you. =============================================================================== NOTE: Now I've heard all those stories about white lights at then end of black tunnels and all, but I never experienced that (I was clinically dead for fifteen seconds). But then I've also heard that you don't get that experience when your system's loaded with drugs... and I was loaded. Institutions are fun places. There are all those dudes in white and lovely bitches to rape. And don't forget about all the people who are whacked out of their skull. How can you make your all-expenses paid visit more fun? Why, read on.. As I have said, I was institutionalized for a period of three months (this is about the time that I left the telecom world (then known under a different handle) and almost made my exit from life. Yeah, I can still remember the day I tried to end my life. It was, to say the least, bizarre. I had just finished a transfer with some dude up in Oregon and was feelin' pretty bad. The home scene had deteriorated to where I thought death would be a fuckin vacation. After thoroughly ripping my room up I took 10 lethal doses of anti-depressants and drunk a lot of good old Absolut vodka. I then kranked up the most appropriate tune, "Fade to Black" by Metallica. When I started zoning out I thought "Hey man, what the fuck am I doing!? My life may suck but there has to be something worth living for." I then called the hospital for an ambulance and, when on board, I went comatose. My whore mom told me that when we got to the hospital I walked out of the ambulance and into the emergency room and fell on my face. My heart had stopped and I was no longer breathing. Now my whore mom also told me that it took the docs (6 of 'em no less) about 15 hours to make sure I'd stay alive. I was in a coma for three days and lemme tell ya, it's no fun waking up in ICU (Intensive Care Unit). I mean it's no fucking fun. Tubes up yer ass and down yer throat. Fuckin gagville. I was then in recovery for three days with 24-hour supervision (like I was stupid enough to try again). During these three days I was real freaked... I was real surprised at what I had done and almost in a good mood. Real weird. I did have the bizarre privilege of watching a code blue (death or dying patient) in progress. It was kinda neat. Anyways, I was then taken to Hell (AKA the psycho ward). This is about where the hell began. I was fuckin full of hatred for about a week. I was addressing all that dare spoke to me as whores, fags, etc. I wasn't a "nice" guy. After I calmed down I was given full privileges (i.e. I could leave the ward for a while and then come back and leave again). I used this to my advantage in having fun. Like I was still heavily into phreaking at this time and I had a blast bustin' my way into the hospital's "secure" telephone closets (which I cannibalized quite thoroughly). In case you're wondering what kinda people I was holed up with, then here are a few examples: There was this dude sitting in a chair in the Rec room with his bag packed. I sauntered up to him and politely asked him what in the hell he was doing. He said that he was waiting for the 11:00 PM train. I asked him where it was heading. He said Mars. There was this fat-assed bitch and she had one hell of a foul temp- erment. I asked about her and some of the nurses told me that she was merely stopping off here and was headed for Butner (a real, live nuthouse for the totally insane). She was diagnosed as psychotic. I had a penchant for post-nuclear war role playing games at the time and was pouring over Aftermath (one of dem games) and she asked what it was. I told her. We then got into a full-fledged debate. She was trying to prove that nuclear war was NEVER going to happen and wasn't possible. I merely tried to point out that it IS possible and CAN happen. Along the way somewhere I caught her contradicting her- self and threw it right in her face. Man, did she have a fuckin temper tantrum. Geez. That's about when the PA's (patient asst.) threw her into a straight jacket. Wooh. I was waiting to use the phone. This dude in front of me was like totally fucked. He dialed a number and started talking to God. I'm sure. So he was saying that he wanted to get offa the planet 'cause everyone around him was crazy. What a laugh. There was this 20 year old black bitch from Virginia after my ass. I mean not like suggestive, but just fucking nutso. Fuckin went into my room, got naked and like waited in my bed. She wasn't bad looking or anything, but I prefer fucking girls that aren't crazy. And I'm talking REAL fucking crazy (ie, cranial decomposition). Ever see a metal/core dude blow a gasket? Snap..crackle..pop... Get the picture? I hope so. Anyways, I wouldn't have survived if my friends hadn't brought me my Metallica tapes and smuggled me in dope. About this time a friend of mine from school was brought in (for suicide also) and we bunked up together (I was sick of my old room mate -- some black dude that was taken for electro-shock therapy (I think they called it ECP treatment) all da time and man, did he smell like shit... he was old and didn't give a shit). Anyways, my friend's girlfriend visited us and came back the next day with a friend of hers and we fucked 'em. Man was it good. It'd been a while and I enjoyed every minute of it (but this isn't some lame sex file so I'll like get on with it). Before you start raising hell, scope the scene out, get on the good side of yer doc (so you can get yer privileges), and be cool. Find the crazies and have fun with 'em (it's generally a blast to talk to a schizo). Take, for example, the dude I gave as an example above (the one who was talking to God on the phone). I had some serious hell with him. I like acted crazy and generally freaked him out. I wrote some poetry and shit that was real evil and death-oriented and showed it to this prude. He gave me the ultimate compliment... he shuddered and called me an evil and sick demento. What a swell fuckup. Just fuck around, make passes at the nurses, etc. When ya get your privileges the fun begins. Wander around the hospital and raise hell. I stole a full set of scrubs (ya know, the green suits the surgeons wear when they cut yer ass open with knives and forks of the stainless steel variety). Get your friends to come pick you up and go to McDonald's or BK (hospital food sucks raw moose cock). Hell, I dunno, just have a fun time. Go for rides on gurneys. I got in this wheel chair and pretended to be some crip dude (no offense to any crippled people out there). It was a blast. I sat here and called the nurses that came to take my blood vamps and told 'em to fuck off (needles aren't my style). So basically, I just got stoned all the time (extra-high cause of some of the medication I was taking at the same time), fucked around, caused trouble, and all kindsa shit. Usually a bunch of us cool people (and we were the definite minority) ordered out for pizza and watched tv (wow, what a commie thing to do) and had bizarre discussions ranging from death to aliens. If you're 18 or over and wanna get out legally, sign an AMA (Against Medical Advice) and sign yourself out. I would have done this but for two reasons: I was 17 at the time (now I be 19, w0w) and if I had signed myself out my mom wouldn't have let me come home. I found a bunch of ways to escape but didn't feel like hangin' in some shitty cardboard box downtown with all the heroin addicts so I like stayed. I was also not in any condition to stay at a friend's place (mood swings ranging swiftly from depression to violence aren't good for keeping friendships). If you have your privileges leaving is as simple as walking away (if they catch wind of this they'll call the cops). Basically take yer important stuff and get your friends to come and get your other stuff later. While I was there this old lady made a break for it and got away. I was rootin' for her all the way (hell, she got away from the cops). As an end note, I have one thing to say: suicide is really not the way to go. Nah, just hang in and bear it. People tell me that God didn't want me to die cause he has many things planned for me. Maybe so, but was it really God? At any rate, I am a lot more different (and strange) now. I guess shit like this changes your outlook on things. I can get more hateful, sick, demented, and evil now than I could two years ago. It's much more fun now. As a side effect, I also get depressed a lot and end up drinking lots of alcohol and using lots of drugs and generally feeling like everybody has been pissing on me. Well, ya can't have the good without the bad (what an asinine adage). "War inside my head ain't a pretty sight But I don't want no sympathy It's happened a thousand times before It's just a harsh reality" -- Suicidal Tendencies, "War Inside My Head" "You're the prisoner locked in your cell You're living in your personal hell Invisible bars block your view They don't exist, except for you" -- Suicidal Tendencies, "The Prisoner" _______________________________________________________________________________ Behavior Modification.....806/793-9462 The Dead Zone.............214/522-5321 Demon Roach Underground...806/794-4362 Dragonfire Private........609/424-2606 Question Authority........715/341-6516 TacoLand..................915/532-3226 Tequila Willy's...........209/526-3194 The Metal AE..............201/879-6668 =============================================================================== (c)1988 cDc communications by Necrovore 4/26/88-76 All Rights Worth Shit .