_ | \ | \ | | \ __ | |\ \ __ _____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________ | ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ | | | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | | | | /________/ | | / / /________/ | | | | | | / / | | | | | |/ / | | | | | | / | | | | | / | | | | |_/ | | | | | | | | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | | | |________________________________________________________________| | |____________________________________________________________________| ...presents... Ruth by Obscure Images >>> a cDc publication.......1991 <<< -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- ______________________________________________________________________________ I met Ruth in April of 1989, before I graduated from high school. I was attracted to her from the first moment I saw her. For three months after I met her, I rarely saw her, thinking of her only as Seth's girlfriend. After those three months, circumstance stepped into the game and I fell in love with her. It was only four months later that our relationship officially ended. Officially ended, but unofficially I don't think that it ever will. I fell in love with her several days before we both moved to school. A friend of mine was having a party for those of us who were leaving for school. The party was very wild, and people were having a good time. Eventually, the party worked its way into my friend Brad's bedroom where everyone was messing around on his waterbed. The party drifted away from the bedroom after about 45 minutes, leaving me behind floating on the bed thinking. I was laying there for about five minutes when Ruth walked into the bedroom, pausing for a moment in the shadows on the other side of the room before approaching me. She was far from the typical standard of perfect female beauty, but she seemed radiant to me nonetheless. She was a short woman, with wide hips, or as she liked to say, "child-bearing hips." She was also slightly overweight, but it worked to her advantage because it made her seem more voluptuous. Her skin was very pale, white as ivory, a tone that even the sun could not destroy. Her face was oval shaped, with full red lips, and green eyes that were slightly crooked. Her eyes made her look more exotic and mysterious, as well as causing her to seem sad all the time. The finishing touch was her long flowing black hair. She walked across the room and laid down on the bed beside me, where we spent the rest of the party cuddling. It was the first time in my life that I had felt anything other than indifference toward anyone. It was also the first time that I ever fell in love. A full-fledged love didn't appear between us for several weeks after the night of the party. It was only when I began to talk to her and respect her that I fell completely in love. In the weeks that followed, we found that we needed each other. We were both alone at school, homesick and depressed, without anything to do. The attachment to each other grew very strong between us, even though she was still dating Seth. In the midst of unending depression, I was happier than I had ever been in my life. Ruth was the only person that was keeping me away from insanity. When we talked it meant something. When we went out together we always had a good time. I felt that my life was beginning to have some meaning, and as long as I had her I would always be happy. Unfortunately, it wasn't long into our relationship that she began to self-destruct. That was when it all began to die. I fell to the ground, stinking drunk and feeling sick. I was retching into a gutter outside a friend's house. It was a horrible night so far, and it kept getting worse as it went along. When I stopped heaving, I looked up to see Ruth, bathed by the moonlight, crying. "Oh Paulie, I feel so bad, I wish I would die right now! I can't take this any more!" I couldn't reply, I was too drunk to say anything coherent. I did manage, however, to stand up and hold her until she stopped crying. We managed to walk to my dorm room and get into bed before we both passed out. The next day after classes were over, we met again in the lobby. I was sitting in the lounge smoking a cigarette when she came in. Although she was looking as beautiful as ever; I could tell there was something wrong. She looked upset and I could tell that there was something bothering her. Later in the day I would find out that I was right, and it would turn out to be the worst day of my life. "Paul, we need to talk." "Ok, have a seat." "No, I mean that we have to talk in private." As we walked silently to my room I felt very heavy, as if I knew that something bad was going to happen to me. By the time we reached my room, I understood what was going to occur. "I've been thinking a lot about what we are doing, and it is wrong. I think that I should be faithful to Seth." "What do you mean?" "I mean we have to stop all of this, no more kissing or holding hands or any of it." I couldn't say anything in return, so I sat down and turned my face away from her so she couldn't see the tears that were welling up in my eyes. She walked in front of me, knowing what I was feeling. When I looked at her, she was shaking. "I still love you, but this just can't go on, I feel so horrible about betraying Seth." "I don't give a shit about Seth, I love you." "I know you love me, and I love you too, this is just something that I have to do." By now I was crying, and once again I felt so alone. Instinctively I stood up and moved to her, clutching her against me. She was crying. I felt her take another breath and say, "Could I ask you something?" "Anything." "When I need you, do you think that I could still give you a kiss?" "Any time you want to." She hugged me tighter and quickly said, "I've got to go." She let go of me and left me alone to think about it. The next few months were a living hell. The pain would not stop, I really didn't think that it would ever end. We avoided each other to reduce the pain, yet I was always there when she needed me. I was there when she was too drunk to walk home. I was there when she wanted to kill herself. I was there whenever she had a fight with Seth. Every time she needed me; I was there. I took her pain and added it to my own. Eventually, the pain got unbearable and I resorted to other ways of getting rid of it. I took to cutting myself with an X-Acto knife and then pouring cologne on the wound to make the physical pain blinding, to drown out the memory of our love. I wrote letters to her in my own blood; I would do anything to temporarily get rid of the pain. Eventually, the agony was dulled to an aching throb. We became friends again, although our friendship always hurt, haunted by our love. Even now, several years later, the pain still remains. When we touch all the joy and all the pain come back as intensely as before. Ruth was my first and only love, and only now do I realize the consequence of falling in love. Love isn't an emotion, it's a disease. _ _ ____________________________________________________________________ /((___))\|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.......806/794-1842| [ x x ] |NIHILISM.............517/546-0585|The Polka AE{PW:KILL} 806/794-4362| \ / |Ripco................312/528-5020|Tequila Willy's GSC...209/526-3194| (' ') |The Works............617/861-8976|Blitzkrieg............502/499-8933| (U) |====================================================================| .ooM |Copr. 1991 cDc communications by Obscure Images 10/31/91-#197| \_______/|All Rights Pissed Away. FIVE YEARS of cDc| .