ARE WE BDSM YET? notes from a love bondage affair He wasn't a rigid person, in fact at times he was (wrongly) rumored to be a practicing Satanist. Contrary to the rumors and notwithstanding his own back-of-the-mind fantasies, he never had any BDSM experience. Outside of fleeting fantasies at the peak, it simply never occurred to him in his adult life he might enjoy those dark, twisted, vicious scenes he read about as a kid in cheap sadistic porn. Those were tucked away in his mind, and he would have shuddered at the thought of discussing these Nazi female dominatrixes fantasies with his SOs, not even with very SOs, even in relationships that developed over a couple years. Straights can be so cold, so fearful. The truth is, he feared this will end the precious relationship at once - and was it worth it? What for? A handful of power sex, as he heard a girlfriend referring surprisedly to just a bit of pressure, realizing how far his real aspirations are from common reality, then forgetting about them again? Magazines always looked too tame, and when he showed one straight sex magazine to a friend, he gasped - what was soft for him was hard for anyone else, it seemed. And anyway, in some of the harder magazines, it didn't look as something you'd really wanna do. Rather it seemed a vicious emotional mess, and the random samples he got in some more powerful one-night experiences vaguely confirmed that: his partners at those harder nights happened to be weird, an anorexic girl who lost her period, a disturbed model. He didn't realize then that were he to judge generic sex by the same stick (the percentage of twisted persons doing it), he might give it up as well - in its entirety. No, BDSM just looked fit for cold, twisted, loveless souls. Why bother? Because, as years (too many years) went by, he learned about endorphin, developed spiritually, self-improved, stumbled across the ASB FAQ, Madonna happened (oh, the photo where she half-covers her eyes, fearing herself and the other at once, wanting and shuddering at once, touched him deeper, deeper), and - this is a wild guess - terra was changing, deeply, irrevocably, letting go of limitations unneeded. Cosmic or not, he mustered enough courage to admit to himself, then to his partners, he'd like them to leave fingernail marks of love on him, souvenirs to treasure as sweet memories during the day after. He discovered you need to coax a partner into that, and he started practicing. Still, until reading the ASB FAQ it never occurred to him that there is a non-dark interpretation of BDSM, one that includes him. Why, that FAQ makes some activities under the ASB hood appear downright, uh, tasteful! They aroused his, uh, curiosity and wetted his, uh, imagination. Not daring to share them with anybody he knew, he played with these thoughts solo, making friends again with his old forgotten fantasies. It seemed this sank somewhere into his personality, and some vibes changed slightly: his next short affair, he suddenly found himself wrestling in bed with a tall, muscular dancer, enjoying the acting out of a rape that developed spontaneously and with good humor, and switching roles in the middle of the game. Technically he scene was nothing to write in ASB about, but it developed naturally and gradually, and was not negotiated - it didn't seem consequential to just go up to a girl he met in a work situation and got into bed with and say: let's negotiate a rape! They were not consciously into anything but regular sex - and surprised themselves. Afterwards, she confessed men often told her she is "forceful", and she felt this to be normal. He said, I think I like it. Let's have safewords. That's the last he saw of her. He found that trying to think less morally (in fact, just less) makes you more happy and resonant also in other respects than sex. He found he started dancing. He liked music very much, and deep down inside ached to dance, but could not bring himself to, unless drunk and in a friendly environment. Now, to his happiness he discovered that control was slipping, and he needed less drinks and less security before letting go. He found Madonna remixes and monotonous trance house grinding can elevate him to higher states of awareness. He went dancing again, then again, and at the third day, at 3 AM, waiting for the DJ to slip into a more "flowing" mood, he met a dark girl. He's so corrupted now he's convinced that getting the courage to go on the dancefloor with some mild house music, and going on stage to exhibit a live act, as they found themselves very close to doing while on the trance in a regular, not sex club - are two points on one smooth continuum. Go with the flow, and just fucking DO IT seemed to him now a single feeling. Now, mind you, he didn't THINK about BDSM at that moment, the little portions of his mind which still did that ol' thinking trick just enjoyed life in general and invented ways to have fun. So that was a regular date, he guessed: they were attracted to each other and under the full moon they talked about raves, acid, world vibes, elective surgery, being positive - regular 90's stuff. He liked her vulgar mini and her collar, she liked his leopard shirt and black pointed boots, and they were both very satisfied to be with a well- dressed person, not aware this is no more, no less than the tip of the iceberg. A couple days later they made love. So far, so good, and I mean it, really. There was a moon too. Having never played before, they slipped into bondage almost mindlessly and naturally. Negotiations may be a must, but are a rude way to start a friendship. Hints were sent instead: before even getting into bed, the first time they met not inside of a club, she was late. She turned a "sorry I'm late" apology, jokingly, into a mock drama, whining in a little voice: "Oh, I'm sorry, what can I do to make up for it?". The word "Master" was not yet heard from her but written well all over her face. His heart skipped a beat, and he replied half- sternly, half-jokingly: "We'll discuss this when we get home, young lady". "Oooh", She picked the tongue-in-cheek thread at once, with a worried look, "hope it's something I can stand". This gave him some courage, and when they got to his place, and she disappeared into the bathroom, while he made up the bed, he took off his trousers and in a flash of inspiration (dontthink, justdoit, dontthink, justdoit) put on the brand new black leather trousers he never had a chance to wear. "How d'you like them?" He asked innocently when she returned. "I just stumbled upon them in the cupboard now, and realized I never had worn them yet". "Hmmm", she eyed him admiringly, "they are really cool!". Little did she realize she was the first SO ever to complement him on his kinkier, "cheap taste" clothes the others ridiculed and feared. She touched, hugged and kissed him, and unbuttoned her blouse to reveal a black lace corset. "Like it?" she echoed him innocently. "Me too, I stumbled upon something in my closet today". He helped her opening up the buttons, slipping his hands inside of her shirt... hold it! Where's the bondage you ask? As in LOVE BONDAGE, the BONDAGE follows LOVE, first there has to be love. And anyway, he didn't tie her up at first. He wasn't awfully sure of himself, and what if she'll get squicked? How do you negotiate with a virgin? Maybe start informing her about the Internet... then ASB... But there was an easier way, because he began to trust his intuition (that part in his mind, he felt, not only was intact but actually thrived on trance) and made little surprises every time they made love, not realizing at the moment how he likes to surprise, getting a bit further each time, taking the lead (realizing he likes to dom on the way) but listening good. Acting on that intuition, once in the middle of lovemaking she stretched her arms beyond her head, he stopped, took his thick chain off his neck and tied them up. This was only symbolic, they both knew. And how! Lousy fastener broke... to their laughter. Next round she tied him up, circling his palms with her efficient velvet, Velcro-fastened "choker" collar, and he realized he likes to bottom, too, and further, that he actually wishes to be tied, to be really fastened in place, perhaps to a strong setting in a wall, or a cross - restraining his naturally pain-resisting body. This vision, terrible as it were, came up with no effort, and was totally intuitive, as at that time he didn't know yet about leaving your body behind, or going nonverbal. The dentist taught him of this, but that's another story, and not what you think. At breakfast, they discussed what they did, each gauging the other's reaction: has a beast reared its head? not quite, they decided. Not yet, said a little fear, but no one listened. Their self assurance and trust continued to build up in a couple months to a degree of intimacy they never had in relationships that lasted years. They started wearing things to show up and tease one another, caring less and less about public reaction, slipping into everyday life. Certain articles of clothing, clothes of certain materials, clothes of a certain shape, clothes with symbols on them. The reactions of Mr. Public, and Ms. Public even more BTW, were not as harsh as they thought... in fact they had some surprises as some of their least expected acquaintances expressed approval of our newfound kinkiness, with a grin. With some, they wondered if they weren't being made a pass at. All these clothes that were doubling as regular clothes and play wear, and various toys, were all over the place after every play session. Sometimes they would tend to forget to pick them up, snuggling and falling asleep at once, waking up not remembering exactly where they left each and every toy, and it was just a question of time till a repairman accidentally found some toys and a used condom, to their embarrassment. He usually dommed, but that wasn't a rule (not much of other rules round there either) - and he sensed his partner needs to dom once awhile, perhaps as a proof to herself she's still in some control and not "really" turning into a passive slave. At first, she found the new role much more difficult and demanding than she expected... but it really strengthened a more self-assured, calmer personality in her. And he was looking forward to it (wondering, can he command her to dom him?) cause he liked his share of pain, dreaming of his whipping post. They noticed that every time they came home from dancing, they had great sex. He'd tie her hands behind her back and spank her ass with his bare hand, till both were screaming with pain. Once, he tied her to the wall, one among a few discussed ways to create tieable things not noticeable to visitors. They were into pain by then, but did not feel any need for overt "education" or "taming" themes - they just went at it till they were red or till they were too loud. Domination was expressed in NOT bringing the other person to sexual release, and in pain, and the word "master" was uttered only later, in fact after she quietly tested him, making sure he won't squick her. One day, when she was satisfied about that, she came to him and said gravely: "master, command yer slave". He ordered her to undress him slowly and bring over some heavy metal chains that were part of the decor (actually, they were put there in his less aware days, as part of the decor!), and since it was cold, warmed them a bit over the fireside. Well, just a bit too much, actually - unintentionally, honest! - and she gasped when the hot metal touched her hardening nipples (hey, pulp-style writing! mmm, couldn't resist it) keeping silent like a good slave. He tied her with the metal chains, round her body, with her hands fastened to her thighs, rendering her completely helpless. Was he excited! This was the fulfillment of a vision but at once the beginning of another road. Their first handcuffs they picked up in a children's toy corner at a mall. They were golden, made of plastic, cheap mock silver lock that broke at the first attempt to use. HAHAHA, but that hurt a bit too much - cuffs tend to tighten dangerously - and a bit of panic when the key broke. Lucky there was an extra key in the package. Lucky also those weren't metal cuffs with a broken key! Dissatisfied with toy cuffs he mustered up some more courage and went, for the first time in his life, into a sex shop. He got a set of leather arm and leg cuffs with plastic chains, made in Hong Kong. Asking to see a whip, the guy in the shop showed him a huge brown leather whip. He shuddered and left it at the shop. The cuffs provided for a better time, and in fact he could have her hit him real painful for the first time, without his body wriggling out of the way. It broke too, as they got more intense, she shouting: "bad slave, bad slave!". About that time they were invited to a mask ball party in a regular club. They wore masks, leather, chains - not much left to the imagination. A guy came up to him and whispered in his ear: you are my fantasy. One day she shared her vibrator with him. Somehow this was a deeper secret with her than any outrageous toy. Then they got the nipple clips. And the better clothes, and the Malibu. He was planning on the brown whip. She bought them a whip as present. Their day clothes kept changing: more fur & leather, tighter, tighter clothes. They also became leaner from dancing a lot. On a limited budget, they bought clothes that could be used three way: work, club, sex. They started taking skating lessons and fantasized about bright, synthetic, colorful sportswear, very tight and very vulgar. (c)1994 Lightswitch all rights reserved .