A Few Cruel and Unusual Tortures That Women Perpetrate on Men


 1.  Telling you you have a nicely SHAPED penis but never mentioning its size.

 2.  Not saying what is bothering her and answering all inquiries with "if you
     don't know you will never understand."

 3.  Deciding to explain what is bugging her at three in the morning.

 4.  Correcting you, in public, on the actual size of the fish you caught in
     Colorado.

 5.  Lording it over your sister from New Jersey.

 6.  Reminding you of her past lovers.

 7.  Reminding you of YOUR past lovers.

 8.  Insisting she will keep the baby if she is pregnant, even if she has to
     raise it alone, and always on the first day her period is late.

 9.  Forgetting to bring her diaphragm for the weekend at the cabin.

10.  Describing in minute detail her visit to the gynecologist.

11.  Suddenly turning vegetarian on you.

12.  Hassling you when you get drunk.

13.  Hassling you when SHE gets drunk.

14.  Wearing your favourite dress (the low-cut one) when she has drinks with
     "just an old friend."

15.  Playing Joni Mitchell records while you are trying to get over a hangover.

16.  Vacuuming while you are trying to get over a hangover.

17.  Calling her mother and explaining her side of the story after you've had a
     fight.

18.  Calling YOUR mother and explaining her side of the story after you've had
     a fight.

19.  Packing high heels on a camping trip.

20.  Cutting your hair herself and telling you it looks really good.

21.  Making you carry all her junk in your pockets when you go to a party.

22.  Insisting you go see Vanessa Redgrave movies when you're in the mood for
     Arnold Schwarzeneggar.

23.  Telling you the next morning that she didn't really have an orgasm the
     night before.

24.  Refusing to kiss you at home, INSISTING on kissing you while you are
     talking to the most beautiful woman at the party.

25.  Lining the birdcage with the sports page.

26.  Shaving her legs with your razor.

27.  Wanting to play on your softball team.

28.  Finding out from the jeweller how much her engagement ring cost.

29.  Calling you at work in the middle of a dressing-down by your boss to ask
     whether you think her bridesmaids would look better in mauve or fuchsia.

30.  Wanting you to flirt with her mother.

31.  Flirting with your father, then calling you a bum.

32.  Putting you on a diet.


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