!Swim or drown
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agk's diary 
04 May 2022 @ 01:17 UTC
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written on Samsung Galaxy J3 (2016) via ConnectBot
in bed with Evy with ceiling fan moving air, windows 
open, rain falling, after singing baby to sleep
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I failed my final exam in Med-Surg II last night. I
was deliriously tired after a day clumsily juggling
my parents and baby. Evy worked at the hospital.
Sun shone, breeze blew. I was hungry and stunk of 
anxiety. I felt unprepared, didn't know my weak 
points to focus study. Clinical instructor this 
block didn't prepare us well. Besides, I was res- 
ponsible for my parents, which I'm not good at.

Dad's impulsive and impatient. He has to wear him-
self out every day with exercise. Mom manages him. 
They don't hear my subtle, understated, "I have to 
study for a big final today. I would love to take 
you to the reservoir tomorrow." I caved, went, let 
myself get distracted, resentful, tired. 

At the reservoir my baby kicked water for the 
first time, emulating her grandma, learning to 
swim.

I drove home after the exam thinking I failed the
class. I worked on my new plan---pick up 20+ hours
a week at the psych hospital, support Evy working
about the same on her internal medicine floor, if 
we move far from psych hospitals, work as a correc-
tional officer. I spent too much time with horse-
men. I'd rather work anywhere it's therapeutic to 
acknowledge everything is not fine.

At home Evy cried in the livingroom, talked to her 
silly sister who just broke a foot. I'd called 
Cassie and my sponsor, learned my sponsee sister 
Johnna overdosed and died and everybody has cancer. 
So I made a bonfire out back, slowly smoked a Sweet 
Jane cigar Cassie got me, and looked at the fire. I 
rooted out denial, resentment---tried to let it be
unfixable and let it go.

Evy's sister told Evy we should fight. When sis 
left, we did. We snarled mean stuff at each other, 
forgave each other, then my professor responded to 
my email---I passed the class.