subj: looking back one year later ------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------- Where we used to live, every year a family of raccoons would come to our yard, and use the trees in the back to sleep high in the branches safe from everything below. The parent raccoons would scale the bark of the tree, up to the some of the thicker branches. They seemed to have some favorite branches and usually there was some argument between the adults or the adults and youngsters about where someone was going to settle down. Their bickering was usually the only way I knew they were out there. I would hear them arguing late at night, so I would go investigate what is going on in the yard. Eventually I knew it was just the raccoons working out who was to do what, and what branch each family member was to occupy. They would work it out with their growls, snarls, and posturing, settle down and were fine, and eventually some times off they would all go, one after another, off to some other place to find food, or rest. I always enjoyed seeing the cute fuzzy animals show up each year. Our cat would sometimes go hang out with them. All animals argue and bicker a bit, its just part of it. My wife and I certainly have or times, but its just part of our growing pains and us working out who is to do what. When we are better rested we seem to have less bicker sessions. When our routine is normal our stress is lower, things are easier, and when we sleep less, or our routine is disrupted bickering and arguing ramps up. ------------------------------- Finding our role as a partner is a journey that takes time, and has a steep learning curve. The husband gets a warning six months before a new member of the family arrives, and the mother usually gets about seven months to prepare. When they finally are born to mom and dad, its an abrupt change, that feels like a perpetual slap in the face that says wake up wake up reality is here. Being a new parent hasn't been easy. As a man old enough to be a grandparent, leaving the realm and idea of sexual admiration, to enter the time of wisdom, at this stage of my life, I realize what is better is not to be admired by everyone else, instead be as selfless as I can for the people in my life, and the community nearest to me. For only a short time in life exists to be young and admired for youth now for the two new people my wife and I have brought into this world. So far the times I remember and look back on are those with people who've helped me, and the great joy I've had helping others. My neighbor's Jack, and Colleen, Terry and Dixie, Dan, and everyone else, who called me, and I was lucky to be invited to help them with something. For me it was just spending time with good people. Now my time to help my wife, our babies, and give them the best life I can, hoping I can put a smile on their face each day. When we started this a year ago, We were already pretty tired. That's how it is sometimes. Not every pregnancy is the movies, where expecting mother is happy and glowing, jogging around town, live life like she was prior to being pregnant. The imaginary perfect pregnancy where the woman is sleeping every night, has no pain in her body, etc. With multiples all the hormones are double, there are lots of doctor visits, most negative things are intensified, and by the time week 36 arrives pregnant woman is sleeping only about three hours a night while haven't to be in sitting up position for that restless night. She can't can't wait not to be pregnant anymore. Then once that happens the entire shock slaps her, and by proxy her husband in the face with emotions, lack of sleep, and a never ending work assignment. We really didn't think we would get through feeding little people every few hours. I was up at night making bottles. I imagined myself like scientist. I had my entire setup, bottles lined up, a specific wash routine; bottles, then cuplinks, nipples, rinse, place bottles in sanitizer, .. etc. My exact way of making formula, pouring cooled boiled water, scooping formula, counting scoops, mixing it. etc. I had to be methodical because the sleep depravation required a very specific routine otherwise something would go wrong causing me to question the exact ratio of formula to water. I pondered if anyone ever wondered why our lights were on in the kitchen night after night, at two and three in the morning, and why a middle age man was up all night. My resolve was "just keep working, feed babes, give mom rest." To be a partnership its crucial to do what you can for the other person. Thinking about their needs, even though you are suffering too. I would wake up after not sleeping that much, hearing the babes, say to myself "I've got to get out there and help her (my wife). She needs my help." My wife would see me appear, knowing I hadn't slept that much she would ask "What are you doing up?" I would get to work help her best I could, respond "I'm OK," That is what a father had to do do. That is what mother had to do. We would do that for each other. There were many times she would tell me to get some extra rest knowing she was exhausted. To this day we still do that for each other. But my selfish, tired, angry side rears its ugly evil head. I get the idea equity isn't there, but sometimes I can't see or realize what my partner is doing, and how much work she has to deal with. A lesson I forget at times, my evil childish self I must battle and struggle against. There's a requirement to just keep working, this is what to do, and help others, help mom, help babes, that's the job! That's what we are to do, do our best to be a good parent and partner. For its that partnership, with the self sacrifice that will in return produce enough of a parent to raise our two children. Its a battle against our unnaturally learned internal selfish desires, but it must be fought against every day. In the early part of my shift when I sent my wife to bed, sometimes I would play a video game. I would limit my Doom session to one level, until I got far enough in the entire serries, where I couldn't finish a level in 45 minutes to an hour. The rest, was sleep, until I just started giving up on sleep and YouTube had terrible grip on me for awhile. It was a battle against my desire for some sort of escape. We had a baby monitor but we wouldn't both sleep out of the nursery. My wife refused to sleep in our bedroom unless I was in the nursery. And if i was asleep in our bedroom, she couldn't sleep away from our babies. She tried but she would worry so much she wouldn't sleep anyway. I would find her attempting to sleep in her recliner in the nursery. She didn't sleep well, but I would check on her, sometimes she has our son in her arms, sometimes our daughter, other times our Costco puff blanket over her, and sometimes she was reading nightmare stories from other parents on the internet, or those stories that made her feel less of a parent. All the while she was doing everything a great mother does for her babies. So I made it my post to sleep in the nursery as much as possible. A parent's shift required them to be in the nursery, This because the Internets and pediatricians implant the fear in your mind, your child is about to die every night during their sleep. They aren't allowed to sleep in any other position but their back, and we are somehow supposed to make sure they don't sleep on the same part of their head so it won't go flat. In all other cases the child will likely die. What a mind game. I realized this sudden death could happen at any moment so if we slept at all we wouldn't be able to prevent the worst thing for a parent from happening. So we did what we could by being in the room with them in hopes it was enough protection for our babes and prevent SIDS. During my shift I would roll out my sleeping bag for padding on the floor (no way I could fit in mom's recliner), cover myself with a Costco puff blanket we got ten years ago, and try to get my 30 to 45 minute naps between feedings. There I was night after night in the nursery. My wife and I taking shifts. She had such a difficult shift while I was working, and she was on leave. One child would wake up need or want feeding then the other. Feeding, changing them, and settling them down usually took 45 minutes, then fifteen minutes to clean up bottles and prep for the next baby. About 30 to 45 minutes later the other child would wake up and go through the same process. Sometimes at the start of a shift it would take an hour and a half to two hours before one of them would wake up. This would happen until the other parent's shift would start. It took us about six months before we got our babies to sleep through the night. It felt like it was way way longer than six months. We both felt we were having the life drained from us. Our mental state wasn't good. Our cognitive function impaired most of the time. To this day I still think we haven't recovered fully. Arguments about sleep training when it was started. Who was going to be responsible for deciding to do it, knowing they were going to allow the babes to just cry. Neither of us wanted to be that person. In the end I decided I would do it. The start of sleep training seemed like a surprise to my wife. In her sleep depravation she didn't remember some of our discussions, not to mention a new mothers anxieties and heightened alertness for her babies. When she heard the continued crying of her baby. As I laid there on the floor observing how our babies would handle sleep training she came into the nursery to help her son. Shocked to be frantically waved off by an aggravated husband/father, she left upset. A child's cry is aggravating on multiple levels. To a mother it activates worry, anxiety, stress, and concern. To a father much of the same but sometimes anger. Our son's cry specifically was incredibly loud. My goal each night was make sure nobody's rest is disturbed. My son would start crying and most times I had a bottle there ready to feed him, so mom could get as much sleep as possible, and daughter wouldn't wake up. This night was different, the crying wasn't resolved. My wife was also concerned for me, why wasn't I tending to our child, or maybe I couldn't resolve his issue, which had happened more than once. For myself after months sleep deprivation for my wife and I, I felt I was going to die and she was losing her constitution. If I die we are all going to die. First me, then my wife, then our children because nobody was there to take care of them. I had to end the sleep deprivation. I tried that night but it wasn't the night, we weren't all ready. It was the night to argue, and bicker, express frustrations in a primal way, but it was a significant event, that would set in motion a difficult thing for parents, sleep training. A couple weeks later, official sleep training started. WE did the Ferber, method. Let them cry for five minutes, visit them for one minute, increase the time between visits by five more minutes repeat until the child falls asleep. Our children did very well, the first night they were asleep within twenty minutes. Some nights within ten. Never more than twenty five. It was difficult and painful in an emotional way for mom, and in that it was hard for me, for a man who wants his wife to be calm and content. Through all this we've had some epic fights, some epic arguments. I'm sure my neighbors like a wide birth when I'm out and about. Times were our routine was agitated, our sleep was removed, and our children pushing us to the limits, my voice loud, my emotions in a positively angry state, my outburst reverberating through the open windows, into peaceful night air breaking the serenity of the calm, embarrassing my love, and setting forth my shame, and neighbors indifference. Although I want to be vaporized moments after while sitting with my regret, I'm lucky I have a good woman who gives me another chance to learn, and be better, and continue being a father and part of our great adventure in this life together. ------------------------------------ At times there will be feelings of inequities, present ideas my share of the work is greater than my partner's always turns out to be just a feeling, a story my mind creates, allowing the brain to justify the idea "I" deserver to do less, when in reality "I" asked for it all, and my wife works extremely hard every day doing all she can, while also dealing with very similar struggles as myself. Like myself her concerns are of my well being, her babies wellness, forgoing her own happiness every day. She has expressed less interesting in many things she found so important and integral to her life before she became a mother. As we walk the path of parents, and spouse, we've settled more into our individual roles, The less selfishness expressed, the greater the unity between all of us. Seems even our babies at some level realize this shining through in their calmness, and expressed laughter. The point of these stories is to remind myself parenting is difficult, but has been the most rewarding thing I've done. All my past endeavours really seem silly by comparison. I know the work I've done in the past has help make this all possible or at least it seems that way. But working for the family, for someone else besides one's self helps keep us together. A smart man also a father told me "The best thing for your babies is for you and your wife to be together." He also told me "To be a good father, the main things you have to do is be there for them." All easier said than done when energy is low, and at the start, it seems there is no break. For me, I've felt like a caterpillar in its cocoon going through a metamorphosis of some sorts, and still it occurs even now a year later. A little less of who I was, and a little more of who I chose to become; a father. Means to sweep aside more of my selfishness, more of my time for just myself and integrate more of my time with and for them. Less radio, less, computing career, less entertainment. The transformation has been rewarding. Our children are changing every couple weeks. We've tried to capture their milestones, in my writings, and my wife's smartphone photography. At times we never thought would could get to this point, or even the next wee, but we have and I'm still loving it. They started out so small, I could hold their head in my hand. They seemed to double in size in a month or less. I remember sitting my daughter up in the corner of the couch while we all watched the tour-de-france on TV. They grew enough for us to put them in a swing, and our son would look out the window while swinging. He would love to have the music on, in his swing, or in his crib, he would watch his space themed mobile. Our daughter mostly upright in the chair, on the couch or in a swing, our constant attention on her reflux problem. Until she finally grew out of it, she was constrained and scared for fear she was suddenly going to reflux her meal, causing her not to be able to breath while it all flowed out her nose. Then it got better and she joined her brother on the floor to roll around. As they rolled and rolled, the were so happy until they rolled themselves into a position or spot in the house they couldn't roll out off. It was so fun to see them learn to roll onto their stomach, then onto their back, and then roll around pivot then roll to the place they wanted to go. Rolling wasn't enough, they seemed to get the idea there was more than rolling and for a couple weeks they were so frustrated until they started to inch forward or backwards, this was their first attempts at crawling. It took while but they started to push themselves around in reverse, or get into positions like downward dog, rock back and forth then plant their chin into the carpet as crawling took shape. At this same time sitting up began to take shape. Playing int he jumper was a blast that got so much excitement from our babies. They loved the idea of pushing off from the floor. While our son did much of this before his sister, she sat next to him in her penguin chair and to her she was also jumping until she was big enough to join in. Every other Saturday (still happening) we all venture to Costco for food and diapers, usually spending five to six hundred dollars a month, formula isn't cheap. Bouncing in jumpers, rolling on the floor scooting backwards around the house, this was our life. Mom and I watched it all, and marvelled, worried on it, laughed, cried, and felt great joy for our babies achievements. Our daughter got fitted for a helmet she wore for many months, every day 23 hours a day. Their first Major league baseball game with ear protection. They were so cute, riding on our chest in Bjornes, seeing the aunties, and all the people. Baseball at spring training for them by this time crawling was easy, and standing was their thing. They wanted to stand and balance around by holding the walls, and anything that would help them. ON vacation they couldn't want to go into the main bedroom so they could stand at the step to get into the bath tub. Open and closing cabinets become a huge thing, grabbing everything in reach, all the plants and cactuses had to be removed from the area, some furniture had to be turned around to face the wall, nothing was more exciting to them than something just within or just out of reach, that wasn't a toy. Lots of furniture moving started. They saw parents and nanny moving chairs and highchairs, people are supposed to move these things, likewise they loved moving furniture. People around town would ask if they are walking, "Nope, but getting close." they would say "When that happens then you'll really have your hands full." They started walking mothers day! what a joy, our son kept it up, like one day he just decided he was going to walk, now he is almost running. Our daughter must have fallen a few times, so she continued to become the fastest crawler in town. She did her best to keep up with her brother, which led to them chasing each other for fun. Now both of them are walking, shoes on their feet and playing at daycare when they go. They drew their first drawing in chalk, not much but a first is beautiful to mom and dad. We are so proud of them. Now words are starting to form more and more from our daughter, she says astronaut, knows what her astronaut doll looks like, says Mommy, Dada, Grandpa, and is also very demanding for cottage cheese or waffles. Our son gobbles up blueberries like Pacman. He loves buttons, switches, and wheels. He and his sister are putting objects inside containers, They are also started to take apart shapes puzzle toys, not so much putting them back together. They are really good at spinning things, their little spinner toys they each have a different technique to spin the toys. Our daughter went from refusing to eat, and having anything near her face, to being a great eater, and using her tripod finger method to pick up individual items on her tray. She still uses her kung-fu climbing hands or frantic waving if a spoon approaches her face, but she has made great progress. She and her brother can use a spoon to eat one of their favorite foods cottage cheese. Both kids graduated from bottles to sippy cups at age one. It didn't take our son long to understand to tilt his head back to drink his milk. Our daughter recently got the hang of this. They've reduced their milk consumption to twenty ounces or less per day. The kids now play chase with each other, or laugh together. In the morning when they wake up, as long as they don't see a parent, they will babble back and forth with each other, giggle, laugh, and be content together until parents appear. Mom and Dad, like to crack the door open to see them enjoying each other, then come in the room and experience their excitement for the morning. Slapping hands on the top rail of the crib, or jumping up and down with smiles. Each new day brings a new discovery. They started using walkers around eleven months. Mom and Dad would help steer the walker as they zoomed around the house. Once our son started walking he quickly figured out how to steer his walker. Our daughter took a bit longer to get comfortable with the walker but watching her brother she wanted to be part of the action, she would join in having a blast, learning to walk, and push her toy. Now she is learning to steer her walker. Our daughter points and babbles, and is starting to say her words. She gets frustrated but I think she is inspiring her brother to speak up a little. On rides to the Costco or other places they will start copying each other a bit. "Aah Shuu Aah Shuu. Aah Oooh Aah Oooh." that later our daughter's version, our son likes to repeat. Timeouts are constantly on going to help teach them not to get into things that will hurt them, or hurt their home. Dad illicit two behaviors, fun, and run. Its a tough job, while I'm cooking in the kitchen to keep their curious little hands off the controls to the flames under our food. Our son is starting to understand listen to mom and dad, but sometimes he just wants to do what we are doing. Our daughter mostly just doesn't want to go to time out. We wouldn't have got far without Kyleah their nanny. She helped us almost every work day after mom went back to work. She taught them so much about eating, dealing with emotions. Saying mahmah, and just about everything else they know. We couldn't have done this without her. Mom and Dad have to work, even though it produces feelings of guilt, not to be with our children all day, nothing seems more important by comparison, so their nanny has been a blessing. Due to our nanny having a knee injury the kids experience some daycare, and have made great progress. Although waking up at five something in the morning driving far, going to school/daycare, and a long journey home is tiring everyday, they got to play and visit with our kids, which helped them see and experience new things compared to being in our home everyday. Mom is the greatest person in their world right now, whenever she is around they can't stop following her, and if she walks away they cry and complain and try to follow her as far as they can go. At the baby gate they wait there and cry for her to come back. She is their world. I can see why too. She is truly a wonderful person, a wonderful mother, and everyday she thinks she isn't, I hope one day she can believe in herself like her children and I do. We could only be so lucky to have a mother like her. To me she has been and still is my "dream girl", difficult for me to hold a candle to. So Beautiful I can watch her all day, and stare at her pictures for a long time. I hope I'm worthy enough in the end and her father can look upon his decision to allow me to marry her with content. Grandma and Grandpa, Aunty, Aunty Meg, Oregon Aunties, have all been wonderful to our children. They are lucky to have so much love directed at them. Grandpa and Grandma were wonderful parents to mom, and a great model for her, Their teachings to this day are showing me many things I need to learn and understand and remember, as well as things I've never learned shown to my by my loving wife. We'll continue the journey, we walk each day to the end of our days, trying to keep the great story of the people alive for us all to talk about. I love you woman, I love you my children. :) <3 <3 :) EDIT THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN