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Title: Just general anxiety 
Date: 2022-04-05
Device: Laptop 
Mood: Well -- anxious!
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So I guess I should explain some stuff about my
family at the moment.

I'm really lucky that my grandfather is alive. I'm
nearly forty years old, not many other people my
age still enjoy having their grandparents around.
My grandfather is nearly 100. My mother and father
are both in their early seventies, and they have
taken responsibility for his care.

Right now my parents are abroad; they're
travelling in Europe and will be for about a month
at least. My sister and I are the only ones left
who are close to my grandfather, and so we have
been visiting him when we can, and trying to stay
as involved with his care as we can be.

Since my parents went away, I've found out from my
grandfather than his cancer is far more advanced
than I've previously been told. And that he's
filed do-not-recusitate orders. 

To be clear, I am completely pragmatic about the
former (he has had cancer for around five years
now, and it was always going to progress due to
his age), and the latter is his decision; he
should be able to control the care decisions. My
grandfather was a doctor over a 40-year career,
and he's not suffering from any dementia -- he is
excellently placed to make decisions about his own
health.

However, he is declining. And quickly. I'm worried
that my sister and I might be put in a position
over the next few weeks to make some medical
decisons on his behalf should he become very ill
-- and we don't have all the information.

For the last few years, my mother and father have
played a very vague game around his health. I
think they feel in some way they're protecting my
sister and I from the 'truth' about his health --
as if we are so fragile that we can't handle the
truth. We are both adults -- we are realistic
about the possibility of his death, and how close
it is. Being put in this situation where we don't
have all the facts is so frustrating, and it makes
me so anxious.

I know the 'right' thing to do here is to have a
very frank conversation with my parents -- but
they are hurting too. My father may be able to
lose his dad. So I understand than he might be
emotionally disconnected from the situation. And
I'm not just wanting to discuss this as a point of
protocol -- I want to help my parents with this
burden, rather than being 'protected' from it. My
sister feels the same way.

It all adds up to a vague background hum of
anxiety right now. 

:|

--C