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Sunday, September 7th, 2025
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Welcome to the first entry in this rebooted phlog space.
What used to be a rarely-updated InfoSec blog of middling
quality will now be a space for me to discuss my autism
diagnosis and my journey into serious musicianship. Also,
likely, of middling quality.

So where to begin? I guess with a bit of backstory as to
how this all came to be.

The music part is easy -- in January of this year I got
sober, and needed something to occupy my energy. I bought
a very expensive guitar and threw myself into the instrument
in a way I hadn't for many years.  Part of me was sick
and tired of not being able to play the things I heard
on the radio, and part of me was desperately looking for
a way to inject some good into the world, and music seemed
a fine way to accomplish that.

So of course I began practicing daily, sometimes several
times a day.  I bought expensive equipment to keep myself
motivated, and I even took a dive into music theory by
beginning a 33-hour long course that is quite popular on
YouTube. Most of the theory was coming very easy to me,
but putting it into practical use was proving difficult.

For instance, understanding chord theory and triads and
deriving intervals from the major scale was quite intuitive,
but actually memorizing all of the diatonics of the major
scale and translating them to the fretboard was a challenge.

I kept at it though. I'm at hour 17, I took a break to
go back and review and revise my practice routine to
better-incorporate all of the theoretical knowledge I've
been acquiring.

...and then something happened to derail me almost 
completely.

One night I was finished with my theory lesson (I have
a bad habit of studying in the middle of the night with
energy drinks, instead of during the mid-to-late morning
when the brain is most receptive) and I was perusing
YouTube when I came across a video along the lines of
"10 Signs You're More Intelligent Than You Think". Being
quite stoned at the moment, and more than willing to take
clickbait affirmation, I watched it. And another, and a
few others, and eventually landed at "10 Signs You're
Actually Autistic".

I don't remember what made me click on it. I've been
battling depression, anxiety and PTSD for years, and in
2015 I was diagnosed with ADHD. So neurodivergence wasn't
new to me and I wasn't looking to pathologize myself into
someone elses symptoms. But I watched it anyway.

They say ASD self-diagnosis is a series of "aha!" moments
and I couldn't agree more. As that video progressed my
jaw figuratively fell to the floor. Each point resonated
with me in profound ways and when it was over I was in
shock. I quickly searched another, and when I watched it
the same thing happened. I watched another and another.

My memories of that first night are awash in proverbial
lights and literal tears, as I sobbed my way to a
realization I had waited my entire life to reach: I knew
what was wrong. I knew why I was the way I was, I knew
what had been so wrong as to make me feel alien to
everything around me my entire life.

I am autistic.

Of course I didn't take YouTube's word for it. I researched
until my eyes bled, and I compiled a list of symptoms
and experiences that I had that related to ASD. When I
contacted my care team my phsyciatrist was in agreement
and we began the information gathering process while
waiting the ridiculous wait times in the United States
for referrals to diagnostic specialists. The road to an
official diagnosis is going to take upwards of two years.

In the meantime I reached out to a Discord community of
Neurodivergents, many of them ASD and quite a few who
are self-diagnosed. I learned that acknowledging
self-diagnosis is important for the wellness of people
who potentially have ASD, and the community pretty much
talked me into believing myself.  My time in that community
has been incredibly positive but that's a story for
another entry.

Self-Diagnosis has been huge for me. It's difficult to
explain because it's a whirlwind of emotions, ranging
from elation to self-compassion to grief. Elation that
we finally know it's name.  Self-compassion in the sense
that we no longer have to hate ourselves. And grief over
the loss of the life that might have been, had we been
diagnosed sooner.

It's navigating these complex emotions that will be the
focus of the autism portion of this phlog.

,,,,,,,,,,, 
Record Time 
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At the end of each phlog I am going to recommend a record.
It may be something that is inspiring my playing, something
that I am struggling to learn, or simply something I
particularly enjoy in that moment.

Today is the latter, as I am going to be talking about
"Imaginaerum" by Nightwish.

Nightwish is an extraordinarily important band for me as
they mark the first new band in almost 20 years I have
discovered.  I say new but they've been around since the
90's and this particular album is from 2011. It was the
discovery of their music that began to "awaken" me,
pulling me out of the dredges of addiction and despair
and giving me the strength to begin to fight for myself
again.

They are a Finnish symphonic metal band founded in the
mid-90's by a gifted composer/songwriter and his muse,
an operatic powerhouse whose voice defined the bands
early years.

"Imaginaerum" is a concept album about the final thoughts
of a man on his deathbed, surrounded by friends and family
who are discussing the sum of his life. It's an intensely
personal yet somehow bombastic journey into the ego that
I find both musically exhilerating and fascinating in
it's lyrical content.

Tuomas' composition is top-notch here, diving into that
metal-meets-trailerhead sound that defined this period
in their discography. I particularly love Anette's vocal
performances on this album. Tuomas wrote around her
weaknesses very well and she delivers a theatrical
performance that fits the work in ways the other two
Nightwish vocalists could not.

Of course as a guitarist I would be remiss to omit Empu,
the bands founding guitarist and one of the most underrated
rhythm men alive. He very much spends this album
serving-the-song, as it were, but he does so with such
precision and ferocity that you feel as if a little bit
of thrash has seeped into your symphonic metal.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I.

 - Freakuency