saint valentine and his cadillac dream
february 14th, 2000

yes, i know. a shameless rip from counting crows. but an interesting play 
on the song, i think. and fitting, somehow, for the season.

there is one, huge question i have, something that has pestered the 
recesses of my mind for many years now, something that is totally beyond 
fhantomable, and something, could i have the answer to any one thing in 
the world, i would ask without hestitation...why is that that in every 
parking lot of walmart, any walmart, any place in the world (or at least 
the different walmarts i have visited) - why is it, that here, in the 
mountains of east tennessee, in the parking lot of every walmart here in 
the mountains of east tennessee - states away from even the faintest hint 
of ocean - why do seagulls congregate in these walmart parking lots? where 
do these seagulls come from? and why only the parking lots at walmart? 
it's february, i'm running to walmart to pick up garbage bags and laundry 
detergent and other such necessities, and here, all of the sudden, are a 
flock of seagulls, just merrily lazing around the parking lot as if it 
were some sort of hidden asphalt ocean, with fish underneath.

"don't you know it's february?!" i yelled to one gull investigating a 
discarded paper pepsi cup.

he turned to me with this smug expression, as if to say, "you just don't 
get it, do you?" and happily flitted away with me. ah well.

aside from my conversations with the parking-lot gulls, my day has been 
less than eventful, spending most of it struggling to get a around a 
thousand words of utter bs for my paper on the wife of bath in canterbury 
tales. it's kind of depressing because i love english so much, but this 
world lit class i am in is a total joke. we were beginning to study a 
midsummer night's dream and the professor was writing different facts we 
needed to know on the board, and she committed the sins of all sins - she 
misspelled "faeries." and i mean, she totally mutilated the spelling: 
"faries," she wrote. faries? she also listed renoir as a renaissance 
painter. correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't he an impressionist? it's been 
a while since i've taken any art history - years, actually - and i'm 
horrible with dates, and times, but i was under the impression that the 
renassiance painters were all the religious italian ones, like 
michelangelo, leonardo, raphael - you know, the ones the teenage mutant 
turtles were named after. anyway. on the bright side, i only have one more 
semester of this community college to go, and then i get to go back to 
real university, the whole 
tearing-your-hair-out-because-everything-is-so-difficult-and-loving-it 
stage. i miss college. and i really need to take a writing course. my 
creativity is stagnating, i am afraid.

tonight was wonderful, though. my little doll was being fussy, and because 
i've been worried about her, and also because i had this paper to write i 
decided to stay home from work. we were visited by a thunderstorm, and the 
little one and i sat in the living room window watching the rain fall and 
the wind blow and the occasional flashes of lightning, and i was pointing 
at everything with her and showing her the world, sitting there, watching 
the storm, telling her the story of how she was named after such a storm 
(her middle name is "Stoirm") and i was thinking, this really is as good 
as it gets, right here, watching the storm through the window with my 
daughter, relaxed, not worried, not rushed, not trying to get from one 
place to another. i need to do that more often, i think. stop and take a 
breath. i'm very lucky to have her to remind me to do that from time to 
time.

after the storm, we decided to tackled solids. i got brave and let her 
play with her own food today, which she promptly got all over herself, her 
chair, me, the floor...everything. i loved it, though. i sat there, 
laughing, watching her fingerpaint everything, and try the different 
textures and shapes. my mother was sitting in the living room watching us 
both as if we were completely out of our minds. i suppose not many mothers 
encourage their children to make messes. and i won't, either, once she 
gets old enough to know what she is doing. but right now, she's 
discovering everything, and for some reason i thought it would be an 
excellent step in discovery if she got to know her food a little better. 
of course, there's always the chance i'm just crazy, too, which is highly 
likely. but the way i see it, no harm done. it's food, and it'll wash off. 
and it did, and now my little starfish is sleeping, which is where i need 
to go to, considering it is two in the morning.

today should be interesting. Dust is coming to visit me, and then Doug 
will be showing up sometime later. i'm really hoping they won't end up 
visiting at the same time - that would be really too awkward. Dust was 
laughing at the irony of all of it, and i had to laugh to. my life runs in 
some ridiculous circles sometimes. to top it all off, my grandfather had 
originally planned on coming down to visit, as well. at least then i could 
make some quip comment, "wow, all of the men who ever meant anything in my 
life have all come to visit me on the same day!" and then we could all 
laugh and play with the baby. yes, you're right, i'm an idealist.