creative orgasm
february 15th, 2000

Doug sat in the floor of my living room, his jeans gently torn at the 
knees with his white pair of thermals showing beneath, his hair dyed black 
and spiked, a guitar in hand, letting songs pour out of his mouth and i 
could identify myself in every one, the girl that got away, the fish he 
let loose, and he sang so eloquently about the three years ago when the 
two of us were wild and free, painting eachother in blue chalk and being 
so totally in love and totally alive, without a care in the world. those 
times are long gone, but it's nice to remember them. my feelings still 
fumble beneath the surface, and we stood and the kitchen and we kissed, 
though it was more for me as if to say goodbye to a time that i can never 
have again, a time that has been lost, a time when worries didn't exist 
and responsibility was some far-off dream and my major concerns were how 
to successfully portray the queen of the faeries, what colour my prom 
dress should be, and how many times i could fit the word "acorn" into one 
sentence. those...those were my moments of truly living. i will always 
think of Doug when i think of that happiness, that absolute bliss, that 
devon breaking out of her shell for the first time ever and showing her 
soul to the world. i've become quiet, subdued in some ways, serious. is 
that wrong? i know not. but memories are always nice, and welcome.

it was the songs, i believe, that caused me to melt even as far as i did. 
as much as it is with Dust's artwork or his photographs. sometimes i feel 
as if i am fortunate enough to know some of the most brilliant and 
creative minds in existance. or at least close therein. i carry fantasies 
in my mind of many years from now, when my writing is published in some 
twenty-second century english college anthology (because that is my 
ultimate goal, even if it is long after i am dead) and the biography is 
discussed, how i've known and loved so many creative souls who (i 
fantasize) gain as much recognition, if not more. i always found myself 
fascinated by the relationships and creative developments that existed in 
groups of artists throughout time, like jack kerouac, neal cassidy, and 
allen ginsberg, or percy and mary shelley, and lord byron, and on and on. 
that some geeky english major (like myself) many years from now will 
derive some immense pleasure in finding all of the references to my 
artistic friends in my poetry and stories, and likewise find all of the 
references to myself in their work. and then, of course, the 
collaborations (as Dust and myself make an excellent team, and i think 
Doug and i will be able to work together, too - i'm really excited about 
trying to promote his music over the internet. as soon as he gets a cd 
made, and his work copyrighted, i plan to build a beautiful website and 
promote him all over the place, because his work really is amazing. 
believe me, i am totally pretentious when it comes to creative works, for 
me to believe so much in something someone is doing takes some great 
talent indeed. and this is definitely too long of an idea to stay inside 
the paranthesis.)

talking to Doug about his music and my writing has really begun to get me 
motivated, i think. plus i'll be taking a leave of absence from work so i 
can focus on school for a while, which hopefully means more time to get 
things done. and when Dust was here we took some great photographs. i'll 
have to share some with you as soon as i get them scanned in. but it is a 
little irritating that i am so artistically aroused. because it makes it a 
little difficult to make the right decisions when one is acting on the 
whim of their passion. and it makes it difficult to understand if you are 
truly attracted to a person because of who they are, or more because of 
what they are able to do.

i have made a decision, though, to discontinue any romantic dealings with 
anyone. i made the decision a while back, but i got sidetracked somewhere 
(not surprising, with me.) i need to focus on myself, to be on my own for 
a while, to discover who i am and what i truly want out of life, and i 
don't need to get anyone i care a lot for stuck in the middle and led 
around on a string only so they can't become hurt and confused and 
unhappy. the question is what to do with the emotions? i think i have my 
answer. emotions never die, and emotions as strong as the ones i have for 
Doug and Dustin (though, i must confess, the feelings are totally opposite 
- for Doug, i feel immense attraction and a great deal of spark, but no 
deep sense of friendship and comfortableness. with Dust i feel extremely 
comfortable, but there is no big spark, no lightning-attraction) need to 
be channelled. and i believe i shall channel it, into my work. let my mind 
wander where my heart will not, and where reason won't let me, and let my 
pen trace the steps. i think it is a good compromise.

i was originally very upset about the events of yesterday, or not so much 
upset as confused and guilty. but my beloved Susanne an ocean away 
comforted me with a letter this afternoon which made me feel measures 
better. everyone makes mistakes, and at least i am making the effort to be 
honest with myself and with the people involved. i have a whole lot of 
emotional gunk i need to set to rights with a broom and a razor, get some 
of this gray matter out of my head (and i'm not talking about a labotomy, 
so don't worry.) a metaphorical broom and razor, is that better? 
metaphorically cut and sweep, and cut some more. and creation, i have 
found, is always the best way to do this.

and Susanne assurred me that just because i am trying to do what is best 
for Aisling, that doesn't mean i need to go out and get married so she'll 
have a father-figure in her life. she also informed me that if i really 
felt i needed that, then she would come over here and marry me.

i did have a dream we were married once, actually, not long ago...hmmm.

at any rate, it's eight o'clock, i have to leave for work in 45 minutes, 
so i needs get ready. firstly, i would like to go ahead and appologize for 
any gramatical and/or spelling errors in this journal, but it being a 
journal i see no real reason to go back and correct mistakes i see later. 
secondly, starting tomorrow i will begin, as part of my journey of 
self-discovery, to thoroughly catalogue my past major relationships, 
starting with the first: angela.