pre-menstrual rambling
july 25th, 2000

i think i might be close to having an epiphany. or perhaps i'm just 
getting close to the end of my monthly cycle. or the beginning, depending 
on your perspective.

i always get moody and pensive around this time of month. most women seem 
to either be plagued by horrendous cramps that send them doubling over and 
reaching out for midol, or they suffer from irratic emotional outbursts 
that can only be soothed by scraping out a tub of double-chocolate-chip 
ice cream, curled up under a blanket, watching some really depressing 
romantic movie. and i get like this, every once in a while, but more 
likely than not my moods simply shift in such a subtle way that i begin to 
doubt the validity of my own presumed happiness. the changes are small 
enough to cause me to believe there might be some truth to them. but i'm 
getting used to it.

i'm exhausted, but my mind is on fire. i want to fall back into creation. 
my hands have a lot they want to say right now. i spent the day cleaning 
my room out, finally, putting up bits of decoration here and there. nearly 
all of my glow-in-the-dark stars are now nesting once again safely on my 
ceiling. earlier this evening, after Ash went to sleep intially, i crept 
under the covers, played the instrumental soundtrack of the crow, and 
watched the soft little dimming stars swallowing me up, in my old bed, in 
my old room, with things being set to right. it's much like crawling back 
inside your own skin after borrowing someone else's for a while. (not as 
if i go around randomly borrowing people's skin - it's a metaphor; get 
it?)

i tried to start using capital letters again, but it just doesn't work for 
me. i've spent so much of my life in lowercase, i don't think i'll ever be 
able to go back. i don't even remember when i started, how long it has 
been. i don't remember a whole lot. everyone forgets things. i find myself 
pasting my room with the small bits of rosemary remembrances i collected 
as the ophelia child i once was.

there are pieces of paper and faces and photographs of people i once knew. 
small gifts that meant the world to me. people who made me smile - and 
they still do. but i couldn't tell you what they were doing these days. 
brandi, jodi, connie, anne. i heard heather moved to atlanta and got 
married. and everything i know of joe and gabe i hear secondhand. vicki 
wilt from canada, april, pauline. sometimes i feel as if i move through 
life too fast without really holding on to anyone.

my room has become an amplified representation of myself. you could stand 
in my room and see my entire life displayed before you from every possible 
angle. my "doodleboards" line the door, the bits of paper and poster i've 
collected strands of wayward thoughts in over the years. the circus poster 
Dust snatched for me, and the "three-way touch control" tag from wal-mart 
that he did the same. secondhand posters, the boquet from gabe and becca's 
wedding, the pinwheels i used to so passionately collect. my alice in 
wonderland things, postcards, random australian advertisements. the lord 
of the rings, the nightmare before christmas, and wings of desire. a 
purple star garland wreath i got at a fall festival years and years ago. 
the blue yarn mrs. anna clark gave me at governor's school for cat's 
cradle. my faerie crown from a midsummer night's dream. the thank you note 
doodles erin left for me after staying at my house. birthday cards. the 
butterfly puppet lyndsay gave me, along with the dr. suess pipe cleaner 
ring she so ingeniously made. the postcard of the queen of hearts that 
chris made for me while i was away at governor's school. my life, and the 
people who have been in it.

i was speaking with my aunt today about all the places she has been, and 
all the things in the world there is to do. and i spoke of my dreams of 
traveling wild, everywhere, with my little starfish in tow. and when i 
speak like this, i always feel like jimmy stewart at the beginning of it's 
a wonderful life, with all of these big impossible dreams that continue to 
be delayed due to friendship, love, and obligation. i get scared sometimes 
that i'll never be able to achieve all the dreams i have in my head. i 
mean, for example, how many wishes have i listed in this online journal 
alone that i've not had the chance to do yet? simple ones, like painting, 
or going to see places i've not seen before? a month has passed, and i'm 
still trying to get the necessities of life taken care of.

well, i suppose that's enough moody, pre-menstrual rambling for one day.