furry happy monsters august 25th, 2000 it's 11:30 p.m. i'm listening to michael stipe singing on sesame street, waiting for Ash to fall asleep, Ash who is sitting behind me playing with her toys, myself being half-asleep already. it's been forever since i've updated. it's been forever since i've emailed. my appologies to anyone sitting around waiting for me to update. or email them. it will happen, eventually. i'm also waiting for water to boil. i'm weening Ash off bottles now. it's a slow process, and difficult because her other molar is coming in. she has a mouthful of teeth. she's beautiful. she and i sat in the kitchen floor last night and shared a bowl of ravioli. not as good as the stuff amber makes. i travelled to etsu this morning, to get financial aid settled, to discover where i will be meeting for classes. it's beautiful. old sidewalks leading up and down and over hills, old buildings, real big weeping willows, huge ones that have probably been there for centuries. a sense of ancientness and history. it feels like a good place to begin. even though i'll have to leave my house at 6:45 a.m. on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays to get to my 8:00 a.m. class on time. i feel good, even though i'm exhausted. the week has not been the greatest, but it did mark the passing of Ash's first birthday, although the official celebration won't be until this weekend, a small gathering of family. it should be nice. it's very odd to be beginning school with a real sense of direction. to know where i am, to know what it is i want, to know where i want to be, what i want to do with my life, to wander through the corridors of the english building listening to fragments of the conversations of lingering professors, seeing my future captured in doorframes. even to know, to some extent, who it is i want in my life. to be so certain, after spending so much of my time being so unsure. to be calm, and at peace. to for once be so amazed with the actual reality of life to have absolutely no need to cover myself in pretense. i am just a person, this woman with a beautiful little girl, in my happy little home, with my happy little life, which could be just like a million others. there isn't a lot you can say about it. people aren't interested in the happy stories. open up the norton anthology of english literature, you'll see what i'm talking about. there aren't too many stories there about happy little lives with mothers and children sharing bowls of ravioli in the kitchen floor, is there? or year-old daughters dancing to kermit the frog singing "lime in the coconut"? no, just pages of stories and poetry of despondency and depression, of conflict and hopelessness. it doesn't matter, however. because my goal in life is no longer to be published in the norton anthology before i die. granted, it would be really wonderful if that were to happen, but just being here, doing what i'm doing, is finally really enough. isn't that odd? i've been plagued my entire life by this sense of restlessness, of wanting to be something i wasn't, or be somewhere i wasn't, or have someone i didn't have, or find some deep meaning in every single moment. well, not every moment has a deep meaning. and some moments are pretty crappy. some simple and small incident could even ruin your entire day - your entire week. but there is something very comfortable about the simplicty of living. whatever longing it was i carried with me for so many years has finally been quieted. whatever i was thirsting for, i have found. to be certain of myself. decisions are even easier. i imagine my restlessness was caused from an inner uncomfortableness with who i was, a dissatisfaction with self. and i looked for places, for people, for ideals to fill myself up with, so i wouldn't see whatever pieces of me that were empty, or that i didn't like, or that i didn't want to pay any attention to. in this past year, hindsight was perhaps my worst enemy. now, i stand with my brushes, splattered with the paint from the canvas of my life, viewing the whole picture, and i couldn't be more happy with the way everything has turned out. with how *i* have turned out. amazed at the extent of my own strength. of being able to be the parent i always wanted to be. to look at Ash, and to know she's turning out wonderful, because of all the love that surrounds her, because of me, and Dust, and family, and friends. "everything's going to be okay." i've always looked to someone else to tell me that, all my life. now i can tell myself that, and really believe it. everything *is* okay. there is a warmth inside me, something that glows. something that contributes to my family that binds blood and those not of blood. something that remains, even in the face of the bluesy days. something that prevails, and conquers all. it's love. wo-ho, so is life... sooo...as you can see, not that interesting. come on, you probably went to sleep somewhere halfway through the entry. don't lie to me. ;) it is the one concern i have - that if i remain in such a happy place, my art will suffer. but i don't think so. i wrote something pretty nifty today, and something even rather dark. perhaps the bluesy days just need to express themselves in some manner, use my negative feelings to create something constructive, and clear the psychological pathways for the rest of my life. classes begin monday, and i'm very excited, and a little nervous. it's a new school, a new place, a new year, all of these things reminded in the weird antaseptic smell that old building have after a good cleaning, and leaves swirling along the autumn pathways that will carry me from class to class. everything is different here, and new, and as a classified junior i feel more the silly little freshman girl starting classes for the first time, having to ask where buildings are, where professors are staying, all the time adjusting to new systems of doing things. but i'm back in college again. *real* college - not that weird, community glorified-high-school stuff i've been doing for the past few semesters. except now i have the wisdom to really appreciate my time spent here. i think i'm going to minor in appalachian studies. they offer so much about it, and what other field of study can you combine the history of tennessee, trail hiking, bluegrass, and basketweaving as possible combinations of courses? there's a rumor that a gaelic class is even taught here, but i've yet to find it. at any rate, i need to try to get my angel-child to get to sleep. i have an early morning ahead of me. if i am not a frequent visitor to the cyberworld for a while, be patient - i'm going to be pretty busy this semester. * * * wow. i just noticed that my stylesheets are working. i mean, i remember figuring out *why* they weren't working in diaryland - i just don't remember fixing them. but i guess i must have done it, at some point. i do too much coding half-asleep. atlanta voyages and split-aparts august 25th, 2000 ah, atlanta. i've already posted tonight, but i'm feeling like running like mad with my journal. i'm having a journal binge. atlanta is beautiful. and for meghan to experience the tabernacle is just something amazing within itself. i sympathize incredibly about all the tall fuckers. it happens. (and honestly, i really did overreact at that tori concert. but i think i was...well...at an overreactive stage in my life, let's just delicately put it that way.) atlanta has always been good to me. nearly two years ago, i'm sitting in the passenger seat of dan's car, suffering a heartache like nothing i'd ever experienced, travelling towards atlanta, listening to 80s music, bitching and moaning and crying and complaining, with dan trying (in vain) to get my head out of my ass and get over it. it was just what i needed at the time - warm, southern atlanta. the biggest city i had been in since i visited phoenix in my youth, something i was intimidated by and slightly scared of. instead, i found nothing but warmth and smiles and adventure, and fountains that were in synch with phantom classical music, and the cnn headquarters, and good pizza, and nice people. it was amazing. we got in line for the general admission bauhaus reunion show at the tabernacle. mmmm. i didn't have to worry about tall fuckers there - we stood in line from somewhere around noon, and were pressed right up against the stage. peter murphy, daniel ash, and light bulbs. we love our audience. it was healing, exactly the sort of adventure i needed. the second time i went to atlanta, it was to see the legendary pink dots at the cotton club. and i *love* the pink dots. love love love. i watched the silverman in awe; ed ka-spel twisted his lyrics up and around, and again i was pressed against the stage, but it was small club and a small crowd (come on, how many of you have really heard of the pink dots?) but i was just...wow. it was fitting music for my mood. november 1998 was a *very* awkward time for me. (and nine months later, Ash was born.) i suppose there is the possibility that a very tiny fetal Aisling was bathed in the luminosity of live pink dots music, but that's really too much to hope for. :) (she was, however, bathed in the music of the secret commonwealth, which is really just as good.) anyway, point being, i really like atlanta, a whole lot. and it was in atlanta where i found the cutest thing for Aisling, but i wasn't able to purchase it. it was a little black onesie, with "must not sleep...clowns will eat me" printed on it in little white letters. and live music in atlanta is just a wonderous thing to see. and i'm glad meghan was able to. mary alice, are you leaving us? where are you going? i'll miss you...your split-apart comment set me to thinking...wondering if it really *was* just a movie. but that's kinda been a theme in my life for a while now...what is it that makes a person capable of living with another person for the rest of their life? it's nice to think that there's somebody out there that totally completes you...but then again, maybe not. for the first time in my life, i feel pretty complete all on my own. i'd rather find somebody who compliments me, now. where two complete people could come together to create something bigger than either one of them. a life full of love, and trials, and compromises, and amazing moments, and boring dull moments, and gross moments, and sweet romantic moments, and passionate moments, and silly-as-hell moments. perhaps...maybe time is the key, and we live in a society where everything happens so fast that we find it nearly impossible to wait for things, and god forbid we have to work at them. i've always been bad about that. "he thinks my hat's funny - it's falling apart." and actually, i don't think it was these feelings that really destroyed my relationships - it's the fact that i didn't communicate them, that i didn't explain what i wanted, what i expected - that i didn't make any demands that *needed* to be compromised, much less do any compromising. perhaps it was because i didn't know what i needed, or wanted, or what i expected. and now, i do. i expect honesty. i expect laughter. i expect shared interests and constructive criticism. i expect a degree of maturity. i expect a degree of imaturity. i expect good parenting skills and moral standards that are lived up to. i expect random romantic moments, and sharing the responsibility. i expect taking the initiative occasionally, and letting *me* take the initiative occasionally. i expect arguements. i expect faithfullness. (i didn't use to expect it, but by god, i sure as hell expect it now.) and honesty. (did i say honesty? honesty is big.) i expect love. not necessarily the whole "wow-i'm-on-cloud-nine" love, just a kind of happy, mutual, i'm-so-glad-i'm-living-with-you love. (and yes, i'm thinking long-term here.) i expect someone ready and willing to make sacrifices. i expect someone who is going to do little things to annoy me. i expect someone i can work well with, i can understand, who can work well with me, and understand me. i don't want a knight in shining armor, i don't want some dark prince to come steal me away and make all of troubles melt with a touch of his hand - i want a partner, somebody who can stand next to me, and say, "that's a mountain," and i say, "why, yes it is." and then we discuss just how to go about making it a molehill. i don't want some wonderous, mysterious, absolutely brilliant man to waltz into my life so i can be totally drop-jaw in awe of him - i want to be in awe of someone because of everything they are - from the shape of their eyebrows to how their snoring keeps me up at night. i want someone who is willing to work hard, to learn and grow, and someone i can learn and grow from. and that, in a nutshell, is what i want. happy, comfortable, stable. no more knights in shining armor, no more mad magicians in multicolored cloaks. just some goofy guy with a big, honest heart. (though nice little perks would be - a fondness for celtic music, a love of dancing, and appreciation for toys and sappy romantic movies.) at any rate, i'm sleepy. i need to go to bed, because i have to get up early in the morning. the tree-climbing cherokee princess august 25th, 2000 i love my moccasins. i don't know why i don't wear them more often. my mother got them for me for christmas, these wonderful, tan-coloured, soft-soled, fringed, knee-high wonderments of leather. i pulled them on today and felt like a cherokee princess. i found a tree i wanted to climb in on campus, but i really didn't have the time, and in my skirts it would have taken some skillful manuvering to not share with the student body of etsu the color of my undergarments. but the location is memorized, and there shall be tree climbing galore further on in the semester. when i am outfitted in more appropriate tree-climbing garments. meghan quoted me! i feel all warm and gooshy inside. see, sometimes i say things that make sense! of course, that little bit of wisdom waned a bit today when i found myself thinking, "hmm. i could find some older guy with a decent amount of money who wants a housewife..." not seriously, of course. i was hit with a small wave of panic at the prospect of working 12 hours a week on top of the 16 hours of classes i am enrolled in. under normal circumstances, this wouldn't be so bad. i'd go to school, go to work, study my ass off, and have free weekends. but it's a 45 minute drive, and the prospect of spending so much time away from my child was really beginning to eat at me. so after reviewing my schedule and finances, i discovered that i really didn't need the work study money after all - i mean, it would have been nice, i guess, but not worth spending 38 hours a week away from my baby. (i'm really too old-fashioned to be a single parent.) it'll all work out, though. it won't be so bad in a few more years when Ash is more independent, and it is all timed so perfectly so that i'll be graduating college and entering the job market around the time she's entering school. who knows? maybe by then i will have found aforementioned partner and be living happily-ever-after. or something. but the amazing part about the entire morning was my ability to survey the situation, make a decision, and stick with it, all on my own, without consulting anyone for advice, without even thinking about it. for those of you who know me, you already understand what a big accomplishment this is for me, but for those of you who don't, i offer a small explanation - i am perhaps the most indecisive person on the face of the planet. i sit on the fence on nearly every issue, i don't form any steady opinions about very much, and it has always seemed in the past that i need to get the approval of everyone on the face of the planet before i commit myself to anything. obviously, the times they are a'changin'. and it feels bloody damn good. i know what my priorities are. i know what i can and can not handle. i don't need anyone else to verify the things i already know. and it's been happening for a while - a slow process - but it was today that i first took real notice of just how much progress i've made. and i feel a real sense of pride in myself. and it feels really good.