Last week was pretty rough.
A roller coaster of emotions,
from panic attack to orgasms.
I smoked a few packs during
the week, and one more during
the weekend at the party.

It was quite the party too!
It felt so good to dance like
that. We had a good time, it
was a nice drive and we stop
at a pub by the river. Had
a good meal, in preparation
for all the alcohol we'd drink.
The music was great, an outdoor
party, with a lot of a 'hippy'
'raver' style. Lots of drug on
the dance floor, k, acid,
ecstasy, blow.... I only drank
mescal, and smoke cigarettes.
Had a few deep spiritual talk
here and there too! 

On the emotional front,
I asked her that even if
we're super casual, can
we let the other know if
we're over? It feel like
this is entering 'relationship'
territory somehow. Like is it
casual or it is something?

She liked the idea and she
reassured me that when she's
over me, she would let me know.

In any case it calmed my mind
for a bit. Keeping it casual,
yet knowing when it's over,
it feels like all pleasure
and not too much to worry
about.

But of course my mind needs
to worry. And my mind jumped
on it so quickly. Oh, maybe
she loves me actually. And
maybe she loves me more than
I love her. That would be terrible.
I know this pattern so much.

I've been through that so
many times. This fear of love.
I don't like it when people
loves me a lot. It put me in
a weird spot, it makes me uncomfortable.
As if, if someone love me, I owe
them something. So I'd rather not.

It's weird, it's twisted.
In my last relationship, my
ex didn't really express her
love that much. It was a 'cold'
love, which I liked at first,
but it was also really painful.
When your partner doesn't show
much love toward you, how can
you learn to love yourself?

Both my parents had not received
a lot of love. They craved love
from the outside. I guess I didn't
learn to receive that much love.
And now when I see love pointing
at me, I feel like that I owe
something to that person. It's
quite fucked. Can I just enjoy.
Enjoy the warmth, the juiciness,
the pleasure of the moment, without
judging, without weighting who
love who the most?

Can it simply be pleasure? And
my brain directly goes to: pleasure
leads to attachment, which leads
to expectation, which lead to
resentment. I can't believe how
emotionally damaged I am. And
that leads me toward not
wanting to share that broken
self with others. I cried last
week about maybe not seeing her
again. I cried today seeing how
vulnerable, how fragile I am.

But there is no other way
to heal than to be with someone.
By myself, I would simply hide
my defect. I would simply not
care, nor want love from anyone.

When I was alone, this void
would weight on me, heavy like
a depression, but without the
negativity. Now that there is
some emotional life, I keep on
getting squeezed and moved around.
It's a different discomfort.

How can I learn to love myself,
and let others love me? Yesterday
night, I became incredulous of
her love toward me. Maybe she's
manipulating me for something?
Aren't we all? I got myself into
a weird discomfort. Do I enjoy
her presence? Yes, there is no
question about it. It's warm, it's
sweet, it's passionate. Can I
just enjoy? I love talking to
her, we go in these depth of
reality, I love massaging her,
she receive so deeply. I
love being intimate with
her, it feels so natural.
Can I only stay with that?

On a more positive note, I've
reduce my screen time quite
massively. I only watch a show,
and not every night. It feels
really good for the brain. Now
if I can give up on smoking for
a while, it would be most welcomed.

The full moon eclipse was pretty
intense for me. I could have prepared
better for it. The Fall season is
also filled with trauma from a
couple years ago. So I'm dealing
with a few layers of intensity.

But today is good. Still recuperating
from the party, I'm heading to
Tai Chi in a bit. I am not worried
about not seeing her ever again,
and quite looking forward for
her being in my arms. It's
tender and keeps me warm.
I have a lot of work to get
to, which will be good for
the money. With school that
just started, I have more time
for myself. The gray rainy nature
is calming to my mind. I might
even get back into more
creative work?