"It wouldn't mean anything."

Was the answer of my karate
teacher when I asked him if he'd
grade me for my black belt.

It makes sense, we've been
secluded since covid and his
judgment alone wouldn't mean much.

I checked with Robert too,
a third Dan karate teacher from
the other side of the lake. He
wouldn't also give black belt
himself. But for his student who
is approaching black belt, they
are visiting and training with
other dojo. So I might need to do
the same. Changing from a SKA
style karate to a JKA. 

The fact that I asked also
changed our classes. The other
black belt has been taken it more
seriously, and has been on my
back a lot more. My teacher is
also taking some more time alone
with my to practice Basai, the
black belt kata.

The classes have been more
intense this week, and it felt
good. More Jion Kumite (free
sparing) and even some plank
breaking practice on Friday. I
also drove like a maniac to get
to boxing on time, as the boat is
often late. I was glad I made it,
but I faced quite the opponent
this week. A women with a very
sharp jab. Cut my lips, both
upper and lower. It was a good
training.

I went it to hang out with Casper
after my class. I woke up very
horny that morning, and I planned
to maybe spend the night at her
place. Not that our relation is
at that level, but for some
reason I had in mind that she
would be happy to have a bit of
fun with me.

I met her before an improv contact
class. She didn't seemed excited
to see me. Made fun of my lips,
and then we went to the class.
Contact improv is a blend of
massage, dance and martial art.
I enjoyed the introduction, and
although it was fun and flowy
with other participants, it was
awkward and weird with Casper.

I met Dana, who is also a CI
teacher, I signed up for her
class, which happens next week
right after boxing again. I left
the class with Casper, and she
invited me over for tea. I had to
catch the ferry, so we simply
walked for a few minutes around
the block. I mentioned that I
could stay over, but we're
probably not at that level her
and I. I was kind of hinting that
I would have slept over her place
if she was interested.

She mentioned that she was in the
middle of her move and wouldn't
find it comfortable to be at her
place. Maybe it's better that I
didn't stay over to her place.  I
am not too sure what to make of
our friendship. I feel it's hard
to connect to a level of being
present and silly and playful.

People seems serious and a bit
desperate. Can we just be silly,
and maybe fuck, or just be friend
or just kiss without worrying?

I left and went to the store to
grab a drink, before picking up a
package, shroom and mdma. Coming
out of the store, I saw a woman,

"Oh, a prostitute"

I realized. I haven't seen a
prostitute in a while. I spend
most of my teenage year downtown
Montreal, and got accustomed to
seeing prostitutes. It's not so
much their physical appearance,
but more how they hold
themselves. It's similar to
meeting another fighter. Then I
saw who could have been the pimp,
but he wasn't playing his part.

Then I saw the mama, an older
woman, East European, she was the
boss. She saw me, and she
wondered. We looked at each other
for a second. I couldn't help but
having a quick grin. In any other
situation, she would have seen
like a gentle old lady, but in
this scene, it was really
telling. Was that her kids?

I went to pick up my summer worth
of magic mushroom and mdma. A new
strand of shroom, a lot stronger
I read. It will be interesting to
mix it up, maybe make pills with
shroom and m.

Then I drove back home, alone. I
cried when I drove by my
ex-lover. I sang a song about
her, how we met, and cried a bit
more tenderly.

I got home, to a place filled
with people. New people I don't
know. I met them in the dark, had
a smoke to calm my emotional
body. It was nice to talk to new
people. Talk about how weird I
am. In the dark, they couldn't
tell I just had cried.

I woke up a bit sick. I felt it
coming, from the party. A lot of
people were sick then, and I
shared vapes, joints and a kiss,
so I wasn't surprised. I had a
full day of work, a quick nap and
then a Karate class, breaking
boards. Of course I had to show
off by breaking 2 boards at once.
The other brown belt was making
fun of me, how show off I was. I
liked that. I like when people
make fun of that side of me.

After class we shared some
sweets, for the last class. I saw
the girl from theater, I decided
to make sure to say hi. I've been
avoiding her strangely, as if she
did something wrong. I wanted to
connect, so I turned around,
smile, make a peace sign. She
seems surprised, smiled back,
said hi.

When all the kids were gone, I
stayed behind with my teacher and
a friend. We had a beer in the
parking lot, chatted about the
karate season and how it's coming
to an end.

Summer is here, no more Karate,
no more Tai Chi for a while.
I wonder if I'll do more boxing.
I like the idea, but the 3 hours
of travel for 1 hour boxing class
is a deterrent.