Learning to love~

Staying with my mom
helps me understand
some of my patterns.

This constant complain,
this shame, this discomfort,
all pointing toward
this fear or maybe
lack of self respect.

It's strange and a
tad intense. Yesterday
was more difficult,
today I know more or
to be around my mom.
I can't expect to
receive love from
her or a comfortable
welcome. It's not in
her nature. How do
you love to learn
yourself when you
lack motherly love?
How to you learn
to love others?
How can I not be
craving someone's
else love to fill
that gap?

I know that some
people align their
issues and problem, 
****

I had a good walk
and talk with my
daughter yesterday night.

She had a good sun burn
during the day, and in
the evening she was feeling
not that great. My mother
kept on repeating how burn
she was and how awful it's
going to be. I told my
daughter lets go outside.

We went for a walk for
about a couple hours.
We went to the beach and
across the park. I got
the courage to talk about
my recent heart break, and
she simply said

"I know"

I somewhat felt shameful
about it and didn't want
to say anything, but it
felt good to spill the
beans on the story. Of
course she knew, how can
I hide my emotions from
her. It felt good to be
on the same page, and it
felt like I can let go a
bit more.

This morning I still have
some emotional churning
in my stomach. But I guess
it's getting better, it
doesn't trigger me as much
when I think about her.
I'm worried that when
I'll go home a lot of
that emotional state
will come back to me
rushing when I am alone.

We will see. So far during
this trip I had a good
amount of positive feedback
from women all around.
It feels like a calling
of, "hey you there, you're
okay, if you want a partner,
you can find one, there are
a few waiting for you!"

But do I want a partner?
I want her, but that's not
going to work. So what's
next?