I am obsessed with her.

For the last few months
it was all about her. I
realized that I've created
an alternate reality where
I would think about her
all the time, in the morning,
going to bed, anytime I wasn't
doing anything. I would only
see her every other week,
maybe once in a month.
But I fully created a
world in which I would
be with her all the time.

It's really crazy, I'm
really crazy, and I feel
like I've damaged my mind,
or I really sunk deep
into this obsession. This
is completely self created
and I can't believe how
profound of an experience
it has become. 

Now I have such a hard time
to accept that it's over. I
started to talk to her in my
head again today, repeating
again and again what I will
tell her the next time I see
her. Some sort of plan to
make her fall for me? Why?

I'm really looking forward
to be over this drama, and
at the same time I'm really
attached to it. It's such a
weird feeling. How can an
imaginary relationship be
so hard to break? How can
I suffer so much from a
made up story? It is so
telling about my own
suffering. 

Even this text, it's all
about her, but I need a
place to put it all, I
need to get it off my head
and my chest.

I was sitting next to a
very beautiful woman today.
Her smell was really sweet,
and the though that I might
be interested in her made me
sad. It meant the last story
was over.

So I am back to not initiating
contact with her. I practice
more meditation each time I
catch myself thinking about
her. I am ever grateful for
everything that this relationship
brought me. I changed quite a
lot during that time, and
at the same time, it cannot
be, and she also is not
interested in pursuing it.

Anyway, another day, another
step. I might see her on Sunday,
I'm debating if we should talk
more about this. I feel like
such an immature man who can't
deal with his emotions...