This void is looming in
the background, waiting
for me to be alone. It's
a familiar feeling, but
I am annoyed by it. I
don't want that anymore.
I want to shake it off,
just stay cool. Why
can't I just stay relaxed
and aware.

I loose myself to my
self-created suffering.
Nothing is happening,
just my head creating fear
and discomfort. And then
I happily join the fear
wagon, I write about it,
I replay it in my head.
I reread it to make sure
I'm well freaked out.

Why?

Many years ago, at Halloween,
my girlfriend at the time
cheated on me with my
best friend. I realized
that I am still scarred
by that event. This weekend,
in the middle of the night,
I woke up from a nightmare,
she was cheating on me.
And then I took it for granted,
instead of simply accepting
that this was a dream,
born out of my fear. 
It was so real that
it must me true.

I realize now that in the
last 15 years of my life,
I took the place of the
unwanted, the problem in
my couple. My partner happily
joined the blame game, I
was the problem. Isn't
easier like that?

Now I see that it has become
a habit of mine. I don't
see my value. I am not
enough. Maybe okay by myself,
but in a relationship, I
feel like I need to be
more, more of what I am
not.

So, I am working on 2 fronts,
which might have the same
root. The self-created
suffering, and the self
created judgment.

For the suffering, I know
I can feel when I am
using my mind to hurt
myself. I feel it in my
stomach, like a stabbing.
And then I replay that
though a few time, to
put myself in that zone.
I want to flag these
moments and stop it
as soon as I can.
Nip it in the bud
as they say.

My writing also influence
my experience of reality.
This piece is somewhat
depressive, for instance.
This weekend was a good
example of the emotional
self harm. I had a bad
dream, and I transformed
that event into reality.
I made a life plan around
it, I had to change everything
I had to lose everything.
But there was nothing there,
simply a dream, that I could
have interpreted in a
different way.

Now how to deal with the
feeling of not being enough?

Somehow, it feels like
this is more an action
based solution. Feeling
like I am not enough:
go for a walk, play violin,
do some tai-chi. I need
to change the habit, I
used to not have that habit,
so I can unlearn.

I assume it might take
time to get back to a
better self-image. And
I don't want to do things
simply to justify that I
am an 'okay' person, or
to simply distract myself.

Is the judgment coming from
the self created suffering?
Or the self harm comes from
judging myself harshly? The
two patterns seems interconnected.

Yesterday I was sharing
with my daughter about my
father. He had a hard life,
his dad beat him up so badly,
he almost died a few times.
I am born of a human who
suffered a lot from the
hands of his own father.
I carry this around and
sometime forget about
this part of me.

Am I healing part of
my father's suffering?
Why am I just now looking
into this?