I woke up early.

The night was cold. I couldn't
warm up completely in the
hammock. I had left the sheep
skin in the tent for the girls,
so I was missing a lot of the
warmth I normally have.

I went down to the hot springs to
warm up. Only one other woman was
in there, reading her book. It
seems like she stayed in the
natural pool overnight.

The clouds were strange. I could
see faces, eyes, mouth. It was
moving. I was thinking about my
ex lover. It's been 6 months now.
The session I had with Lee seemed
to be around letting go of her.
I think it's time to let go.
I am ready to let her go.
Enough grieving, enough
sadness. If she wanted to come
back, she would have. I would
have heard about her.

I am ready to let you go.
I am letting you go.

I repeated a few times.

The faces in the clouds grew
stranger. A thunder storm was
brewing. A flash, a rumbling. The
rain started. Was that an answer
to my prayer?

I had to go back to the camp, the
rain would get our stuff wet. As
I climbed the mountain I
repeated:

I am ready to let you go.
I am letting you go.

Again and again. I though of
using the mala, but why? I don't
need to count this, I am letting
go after all.

I got to the camp, the rain was
light. My hammock was a bit
wet. I put some of our stuff in
the car. I felt sad, drained,
tired. I brew some coffee, the
percolator was such a good idea
in camping.

I was still cold and went back to
the hot springs. It's a few
minutes walk from the camp. I
continued to repeat my
affirmation.

I am ready to let you.
I am letting you go.

The lady with the book was still
there. Another couple were by the
river. I went into the hot pool,
letting go, healing, silently
sobbing. It's the first time in
six month that I am okay with the
idea of letting her go. Before
that I didn't want. I wanted to
hold on to the possibility of her
and I getting together again.

But not anymore.

I don't understand why these
things takes time. Why I couldn't
let go a few months ago. I don't
understand why now I am okay with
the idea of letting her go. I
didn't make a conscious decision.
It just happened, overnight. Two
days ago I still didn't like the
idea. But today it feels overdue. 

I am not sure about the next
festival we are going to. I felt
too tired for it. Letting her go
is giving me more energy. I want
something new, something
different. I want to put myself
in a place of uncertainty and
creativity. The festival we are
going to is called:

What if?

We'll see!

Back in my hammock, I fell asleep
again. I woke up with the idea of
ritualistic sex magic. This is
what I would like to practice
with my future lover. My focus
has shifted, I see a future, a
change a difference.