What an intense few days.

It was the full moon, and
yeah the shift in reality
was quite palpable. Not only
reality itself seemed completely
made up, but I had some intense
nightmares, so intense I can't
really write about them. In
short I was abused by a dark force,
and couldn't fight back, I woke
up screaming. I smudged the house
but I could shake the feeling,
have I been abused in my youth?

That dream definitely reshaped
my general direction, where do
I want to put my time and energy. 

I also participated in a
local special training for Karate.
It was a nice event, a teacher came
from the other side of the lake, we
had a good time. We practiced about
4 hours of karate, and by the end
I felt really good.

Although at the beginning of
my separation I wanted to go
completely celibate, meaning
no sex, not even with myself,
that didn't last very long.
I'm now in a place where I
feel horny and I want a partner.
And I utterly dislike that
sensation. I gave myself some
freedom as I was grieving
but now I feel like I'm ready
for something more focused,
creative, evolutive. 

In one of the story of Swami
Radha, he teacher Sivanada pours
milk in her coffee, and keeps
on pouring even when the coffee
overflows. She understood this
as the process in which you
can cleanse yourself. Keep-on
filling yourself of light,
the darkness will dissolve and
give place to the light at
one point. It's not about
stopping the bad thing, it's
not about not being what you
are, but it's about doing
thing that bring healing and
joy, or at least light.