I just want it to
be a nice love story!

There is no such
a thing than a
nice love story.

These two conflicting
thoughs just arose
in my mind.

Do I truly believe
that there is no
such a thing as a
nice love story?

I have this habit
of falling in love
with people, and
then thinking that
I am being manipulative
of the other person
and somewhat feeling
bad if they end up
falling in love
with me.

I think that most
of my relationship
has been like that.

I think I truly
believe that
there is no
such a thing
than a nice
love story.

It's a strange
part in me, where
I can't see
what I could bring
to someone,
and only see
the negative.

I mean, if I have
a hard time loving
mysef, it make sense
that I have a trust
issue with love itself.

If I don't love myself
and then fall in love
with someone, when that
someone start loving me
it's somehow natural that
I then feel bad about it.
But then I feel like
I owe that person some
love back because I've
been 'forcing' my love
on them?

Most of my relationships
has had similar start. I
remember expressing something
similar to one of my girlfriend
and she laught at me saying
that I was really worrying
way too much and I should
just enjoy the ride.

Why can't love
be beautiful?
Why can't love
be futile, simple,
short lived?

It feels like
love should be
eternal, and if
it's not, then it
wasn't real love
to start with.

Which sounds like
a bag of crap.

Can I accept love
from others? I don't
even think I can.
I think I'm afraid
of others loving
me somehow. I do
have a hard time
accepting love
from my parents.

My last relationship
lasted 15 years. One
thing that I liked
early on is how my
ex would not love me
sometime. I would say,
it's harsh but I like
it like that. She had
a conditional love
for me, and regularly
wouldn't love me.

The sensation of
being love, feels
like I owe something
to the person who
loves me. I am not
sure I like being
loved. It's so much
simpler when no ones
loves you. Not like
I want to be hated by
others, just not loved,
not cared for.

I was detached from
my mother and father's
care in my teenage year.
I got kicked out of their
home, one after the other.
It wasn't brutal or anything,
but it created a schism, a
disconnection, where I didn't
need to rely on them anymore.

I would assume that it
created some sort of
broken heart, that rather
live alone than having
the possibility of being
kicked out of someone's life.

At this moment, I am
on this threshold, where
I love someone and it seems
like she might start to
love me back. And the same
thing is happening. I feel
bad, I feel like I forced
her into that. I'm afraid
of her love. And I tell myself:

I just want it to be
a nice, gentle love story.

It doesn't need to be
grand, it doesn't need
to be eternal. It doesn't
need to last, it can be
just for a moment, it
can be gentle, it can
be beautiful. 

But I'm afraid.

If I don't love myself,
how can I let anyone else
love me?

My parents don't really
love themselves. They
were both from a troubled
family. Maybe they didn't
learn to love themselves.

If they didn't learn to
love themselves, maybe
they couldn't teach me
to love myself.

My parent divorced
when I was 13, so
since I was about 9
I would say that there
wasn't a lot of love
between them. I didn't
have a clear example
of what it is to love
each others.

When I was asked about
my archetype of the
mother and the father,
I didn't realized that
it was directly related
to my own father and
mother. I didn't see
them together, I saw
them separated, not
able to love each
other. Is this the
symbol of my 2 selves
not loving each other.

How will I learn
to love myself?

How will I learn
to let someone
else love me?

How will I learn
to not be afraid
of love and attachment?

I can feel it now.
That fear, that worry.
But this time I also
feel how I can shape
reality. I can cultivate
that fear, or I can let
go of that fear.

Nothing will probably
happen from that relationship
I am living now. But I can
use it as a practice. I
can experiment not being
afraid. It's only love,
and it's okay.

It's only love, it
doesn't need to be
dramatic.

But it might hurt?
I might get hurt,
I might hurt others?

Is love always hurtful?

I have a hard time
to detach love and
pain for some reason.

Can love be only
beautiful? Is there
always a duality?
Where there is life
there is death, so
where there is love
there is pain?

If I fear these
duality, maybe I
fear life itself?

I don't know what to
tell myself, to let me
enjoy the good, without
thinking that the bad
will come. Without
thinking that if
I create the good,
I am also responsible
for the bad.

Liberation comes
to mind. Liberation
from the concept that
it's all my fault.

Karma has an effect
on you as long as you
believe that you are
the doer...

I am not sure
I fully grasp
that quote. And
I don't want to
not take responsibility
of what I put in
motion. But I want
to stop feeling
bad about who
I am, and finding
a way to love
myself and let
others love me.