A motorcycle parked
near the intersection,
something happened.

This section of the
road has been 
treacherous for
the motorcyclist
this year.

A biker in leather
trying to control
traffic. I park by
the ambulance, I
see familiar faces.
Familiar faces with
un-familiar emotions.

This is bad, I can see
the equipment next to
the body, the panic,
the fear. I get told
to start driving again.

A reminder that life
is precious. I should
enjoy while it last.
A memory of a dream,
from a couple nights
ago. Me, in my car,
in the dark, I cannot
see, yet I feel the
accident, the crushing
sensation. I wake up
in fear.

I've finally found the
right quantity for
micro-dosing on lsd.
Between 10 to 15 micro
gram. I've tried 25
in the past and it was
way too intense for
the purpose. Splitting
that 25ug was the perfect
hit. 

The life lessons were
great again. I can vouch
for how real these lessons
are. After all these years
of meditation and yoga,
I can tell that: what I
receive from doing lsd
is potent and healing.
It brings me back to
the simplicity of my
life and what I should
be focusing on. 

Today I cried a bit, then
I cleaned the land yet again.

Filled the car to bring
to the dump. I also found
someone who can help getting
ride of a moldy couch which
has been sitting on my
porch for way too long.

Things are moving.
Slowly, but they are.

I was reminded 
that this phase of my
life isn't super exciting.
It's about grief of my
previous relationship,
it's about work, clean
up, moving things around
until they snap in place.
Lightening the load,
getting rid of the old,
the mold, so that something
can grow again. 

I would rather escapes
in weekend filled with
extasy, lsd and sensuality,
but reality brings me back
to what needs to be done.

This realization helped
me today to focus, and
keep on cleaning the
land, getting rid of
all the stuff we've
been accumulating
for over 15 years.

After the outside
storage, the couch,
the basement, the
storage on the first
floor, and yet another
storage under the
bathroom, it will be
almost done. It seemed
like an impossible task
at first, but as I sink
even more hours into this,
I can start to see the end. 

I didn't do mdma this
week and the emotional
crisis was somewhat
avoided. I still had some
craving toward her.

I saw her for a moment
last week. She told me that I
make her happy. I told
her that she makes me
happy. We hugged. It
doesn't make sense,
but it feels really
good. When she is not
around, it takes me
a moment to center back
to myself. 

People are like drugs.
Well, not the people
themselves, but how I
'consume' or interact
with people. It's not
really the substance,
it's not really what
I do, but more 'how'
I do things. This 'how'
will create healing
or addiction, even
if I do the same thing.

Drugs can heal, drugs
can let me escape, drugs
can be addictive, and
I can decide to a certain
degree. 

In any case, the week
will start a bit better.
I was hoping for a
healthy weekend, but
for some reason,
while on the phone
Friday night, I drank
and blacked out.
I woke up Saturday
morning on my kitchen
floor, my body in pain,
my head pounding.

Did I hurt myself?
What happened?

Maybe it was the lack of
food, or maybe it was
the cheap vodka I had
after a few glass of
tequila, or a bit of
both. Maybe it was
the sadness too.

Saturday was a write-off,
although it was the birthday
of a good friend. I showed up,
remembered that I had a crush
on her daughter. I had plan
to chat with her that night,
but my state was far from
being charming. I still
exchanged a few words,
she is turning 30 this
summer and living in
Vancouver and yes she
is single, with a smile.

Part of me would like
to escape into a relationship.
Part of me cannot care less.
But today I remembered
that I have some clean
up to do. Cleaning up
15 years of relationship.
Until that it's done,
I don't think I'll have
space for someone else
in my life.

I feel called to once
again focus on my health,
my evolution. Mantra,
massage, relaxation.
The micro-dose helps
me with my vertigo, which
is concerning, but at
least it make me feel
better. I ran out of
coffee, cigarettes and
alcohol, which is a
blessing. I hope to
spend the week sober
and focused. We'll
see how I do!