Monday was a happy day.
Some concerns in my life
just slipped away. I was
content, a lot of stress
had been removed from my
life and from my mind.

I wondered for a moment
if I'd worry about anything
this week. As an overthinker
with anxiety issues there
is generally always
something on my mind.

I am getting used to it
though, the anxiety is
really more like grey
clouds, beautiful in
their own way. I try
to breath through the
pain, accept my mental
state and move on.

Monday night I sat in
front of my television.
Not knowing what to
watch, I finally ended
up on youtube shorts,
once again. I was relaxed
and aware, I was content.
But in a matter of a
couple hours, this
state slowly transformed.

The algorithm of Youtube
is really fuelling my
anxiety. As I am randomly
browsing, videos that
I don't want to watch
start popping up. I
feel like the AI knows
I don't want to watch
this. It feels like the
AI knows how to trigger
me. And I give in, I
watch the stuff I don't
want. And it make me feel
like shit. So I take more,
and more. Looking at cheating
girlfriend, loneliness,
depression, sadness...

I went to bed with my
stomach churning. Anxiety
was setting in, my mind
was restless. My emotions
poisoned my night. I kept
on running ideas of what
maybe happened, and how I
should feel about that
probable past.

As I write these words,
I get the same sensation
in my stomach. I was able
to create a story, to
convince myself of that
story, which sticks in
my mind. Even if I know
that story is self-created,
it has enough reality
to become an intrusive
thought that trigger my
emotions. It become so
prevalent in my life
that I want to get away
from any of that stuff.

I've had that same
sensation in the past.
Afraid of something that
never happened, I wanted
to leave a friend. My
mind was so powerful,
my anxiety was so overwhelming
that I wanted to change my
life in order to not
have to think about it.

Now I realize that it
all started with youtube.
I was fine and then I
was not. Youtube has
really become a drama
maker for my life. Yesterday
when I sat in front of
my tv, I was tempted.
Part of me is entertained
by the drama, by the
anxiety and the panic
attack. As my life becomes
empty of meaning, freaking
out about something is a
better alternative than
not feeling anything.

And then some real life
drama happens. I went back
to Youtube, and like an
Oracle, the videos that
are displayed, all relate
to my life. The machine has
made the links, the machine
knows, triangulating between
the different persons
involved in the drama,
the machine can now
tell the future, my
future.

I realized that I am now
afraid of that technology.
It has become so dense, so
interconnected, so deeply
weaved into our reality
that we don't know where
our own though ends and
where the algorithm starts.

I've come to trust my tarot
deck and my Yi King reading.
In that randomness and symbolism
I can navigate a probable future.
Pairing that with my dream and
the symbolism in my day, I feel
more secure about my life, I'll
often have dream that predict
the future.

With that understanding
of my reality, introducing
a massive AI driven,
chaotic algorithm connected
to all of our behavior,
I cannot but worry about
how much it knows about
my future, and what I can
read into it's prediction.
Pairing that with my
already overthinking and
anxious mind result in
quite the cocktail.

A few years ago, my daughter
started receiving ads about
tampon. I though that this
was weird and not well targeted
as she wasn't at that phase
yet in her life. To then
realize that she started
on her period a couple
weeks later. If few years
ago, the algorithm could
determine when someone
would start their periods,
what can it tells about us
nowadays?

Youtube has become like a
weird drug to me. It changes
the way I am, I get hung over
from using it, I am both
disgusted, yet attracted
to the effect it will have
on my mind. I am glad I was
gifted with a non-addictive
gene, or personality. Although
I don't interact much with
the world of online social
media, the algorithm knows
me by proxy. I would need
to be multiple time removed
from the internet, without
people I know who are connected
to not be part of that
soup of chaotic oracle. 

In the past, there was a
fear of being spied on
by other humans. Secret
services or other groups,
could easily track us
down if they needed to.
That wasn't too bad, as
if you do the math, you
could easily be outside
being a person of interest,
as the need for surveillance,
how many personnel you have
to spy on people, was
always greatly smaller
that the number of people
in the country.

But now with AI and
technology, all of our
lives get sucked into
a mass of computational
data ocean. We are all
part of that experiment.
Everything we do only
is feeding that digital
entity akin of a lesser-god
of some sort. And as we are
loosing track of how these
entities are really working,
no one knows really what
is going on. Only driven
by the goal of keeping
people feeding the machine,
at all cost. A self reprogramming
digital drug at war with
the human mind.