Partied out on Tuesday, Wednesday
was a write-off, but I had to
drive in town for the garage.
I also booked an appointment with
my physio.

"Are you going to the St-Jean
Baptist event tonight?"

Was this kind of almost an
invite? I first decided to go
with her service mostly because
of the way she looked. Then I
realized she was from Quebec, and
spoke French. Then I saw her in
the street of Nelson partying.
We had a cute interaction then.

We had a deep talk about emotions
stuck in the body and how it
creates these tensions. We talked
about yoga and boxing, massage
and healing, while she was
unlocking some muscles in my
neck. 

I had my shirt off, and we were
both on the floor, using rollers
to massage our back. She was
explaining how to massage the
lower back, rolling her bum while
talking to me. It felt intimate,
realizing I'm attracted to her.
I assume she felt that shift in
me looking at her this way. Did
she blush in that moment? Was
that all in my head? And only
coming from me?

I'm not aware in my interactions.
Then the memory of the event is
unclear. Was she interested?

I wonder sometime if I'm simply
reacting to others. I know I
find her attractive, but I didn't
plan on flirting or inviting her
for a drink or something. But
something happened, and I don't
know what.

I'd love to have that effect on
people. I assume most people
would like that.

Would you rather know if people
are attracted to you? Or not
knowing and thinking that
probably? The fantasy that is
created, while not knowing, is also
self-preserving. Saving one self
from self-loathing. 

But maybe I'm delusional and no
one is attracted to me. Therefore
I'd might not want to know.
Living in my own fantasy of
people falling in love with me
each time I interact with them.

Is this why people are not aware?
If you are aware, you might
realize that you are delusional?
Blocking what is really
happening, not to get hurt by
reality itself. 

I want to be more aware.

I would like to observe the
others, and how they react to me,
in a subtle no-confronting way.

Looking without looking,
listening without listening.

Observing the breath, the eyes,
the color in the face. Not so
much in a needy, "am I loved?" way,
but I would like to know when
I am reacting to someone's
attraction and when I am genuinely
attracted to someone. A gentle
awareness, similar to the
awareness needed for Dream Yoga.

Today I'll be going to boxing, to
Contact Improv and I'll also meet
the mother of a new friend of my
daughter. A bit of a freak who
lives in a cabin in the woods,
sounds familiar! She seems
interesting in a way, she can be
a test subject for my new
awareness practice. 

I don't want to impose my
awareness either. I feel like if
someone is clearly aware,
observing and analyzing, it could
become intimidating to the other,
creating fear and self judgment. 

Threading lightly in awareness.

I don't remember this story about
the old woman and martial art,
but it went something like this:

The old woman could always
predict the near future. Teachers
would send her their martial art
student to be tested. They were
tasked to attack her. But since she
knew the future, she knew they
would come and knew when they
would attack. The only way that a
student could pass this test, was
by not thinking about what they
would do and how they would do
it. Meeting her at random, and
letting the attack comes in
without the mind creating that
idea.

I probably told that whole story
wrong. It's also quite odd. But
in any case, it remind me of the
awareness of the dream world. If
you are too aware in a dream, it
stops and everyone looks at you,
a strange feeling. But I'd
like to use that skill to observe
other people in my reality,
without thinking 'too loudly'.


How to be more aware of my interactions?

 - Have a goal or a purpose

Hold it lightly, to give a
direction of the exploration,
without an excitement of the
maybes.

 - Flag the time and space where
   there are more probability of
   encounter.

I live in the woods, I don't meet
a lot of new people, it's easy
for me to know when interaction
might happens. It's good to write
about it. 

 - Don't get excited

If I'm excited in a 'maybe I'll
get laid' fashion, that will skew
all data, give a weird vibe to
the other, and get me on a
fantasy / unfulfilled desires
roller coast. Hold the  goal
lightly and focus on the now. 

 - Don't focus too much on the
   physicality.

If I look too much, the person
will feel observed. Use
peripheral vision, smell, listen
to the words.

 - Observe the sensations

If there is an attraction, I
might feel it in my body. I
want to be aware enough to feel
the sensations in my body.
My mind can create sensations in
my body, sometime the sensations
comes without a though. 

 - Use verbal cues to clarify.

If I hear something that might
mean something else, I can ask a
question to further my
understanding of the moment.

When my physio asked about if I
was to go to the event that
night, I could have asked if she
was going. If she said yes, I
could have said that I'm looking
forward to see her there and
observe her reaction. That
would have been a nice reality
check for me. 

 - Ground myself during the day
   and just before the
   interaction.

I loose awareness for big parts
of the day. When I meet people,
I'm often in some sort of
automatic behavior without
noticing them. Using my
breath and mantra, I want to
honor the meeting of the other,
and put my strategy in place. 

 - Observer what is yours and
   what is not

Every thoughts and sensations
might be coming from someone
else. It might even come in
before meeting with someone.

With my last lover, we were
thinking about each other for a
while before we got together.
I know she wanted to make a move
on me as we talked about it.
She started thinking there could
be something way before she was
in my life. I was also developing
some fantasy about her a few
months before we actually met.
Now that we don't see each other
anymore, I wonder how much is
mine, and how much thoughts are
influence by her own thoughts.

I don't know how each other
thoughts affect each other's
life, but I know there is some
effect to be observed there.

Today I'll meet with a new woman,
maybe more than one. It will be
nice to practice that awareness.

I'll also meet with Dana, the
teacher of Contact Improve. I'll
make sure to be aware for the
moment I meet with her.

A scene in Samuri Champloo, one
of the main character explain how
the new martial artist in their
midst didn't offer any opening.
He mentioned this after
interacting completely naturally
with that person. It made me
think about being present, and
how in martial art that presence
is primordial. I wonder if I
practice my presence, what type
of people I will meet.

Can I become present enough to
sense if the other is present and
observing? Is this presence what
I am looking for in someone? What
happens when two people
practicing presence and awareness
meet?