Strange solstice

Hanging dead bird
under my car

I worry

Did my ex-lover
hanged herself?

She liked the idea
she wanted to die
with me
in this home
the beams
on the ceiling
so useful
so inspiring

I couldn't
offer her
a peaceful death
while in my arms
feeling loved
for once
for all
She didn't need
anything else

Was it coward
to let her live?

I didn't celebrate
the solstice
although reminded
many times
not only by humans
but by the return
of the Swaison's Trush

Transformation
is happening
infection in my lungs
a transition
again, a change,
a pause

Exploring
what it means
to live fully
to live my potential
without numbing
wasting my energy

I is intense
I'm not used
to this drive
Like a
different person

A dream of
someone else
driving my car
I'm not happy
with how he drove
I didn't even know
who he was
Someone in the
passenger seat
gave him the permission
to drive my car

I forgot
who I was
for so many years
Who has been
driving my car
I don't even know
who I am anymore

Slowly shedding
an old skin
an old self
Letting a part of me
die in peace
being loved
in my arms