Who are these hands?
Why are they pressing these
buttons?

I had to fight with my hands for
a while there. They had a mind of
their own. They didn't feel like
my hands, they looked like my
daughter's hands. They would
tweak my synth knobs and button,
tricking me in different ways. 

I listened to the music that
these hands were playing. I could
hear me, I could hear my self.

The mushroom and synth night was
again perfect. The shroom were
just a bit too strong, and the
mdma was overly potent. I had to
sit outside for a moment, reality
was melting, I almost puked.

I setup 2 synth this time, as
last time I felt limited once in
a while. The mopho 4x and the
mopho keys, both plugged into the
avalanche run effect pedal, with
and added Elektro Faustus ef-101
as an extra sound source for the
mopho. It was perfect, I could do
rhythm with one synth, while arp
on the other, or playing both at
the same time. My mind can wander
freely without having to think
about what I wanted.

The music was intense, but then
each pieces, or explorations had an
ending, and we took short talking
break in between. We talked a lot
about women. I shared how I am
not sure how attractive I am with
women. My friend said; "You smile
and you are confident, you
already have more to offer than
most people." It was really sweet
of him. We talked about
attraction and beauty, who to go
for when you just want to have
fun. He had a few years of single
life in Vancouver where his only
goal was to be with as many women
as possible.

I asked him about if he ever was
able to have a clear sign if a
woman was attracted to him. He
didn't seem to care about that,
he simply said that you have to
make a contact, and then listen
to the person who flirt with.
People want to be heard, want to
be cared for, and that what turn
people on. 

I kept on thinking about the
women I saw on the patio the
other night. I feel like I could
have left with her on an
adventure. Being present and
observing her, smiling and
looking her directly in her eyes.
Even if we didn't exchange a
word, when I left in a hurry, she
grabbed her purse, like she was
ready to leave with me. That
would have been so romantic!

I felt almost bad that I might
have given her the wrong
impression. I wasn't flirting, I
was practicing being present when
there are women around me.
Listening to the energy, inside
my body, and the visual cues.

I didn't think that being present
while in 'flirting mode' would
make me more desirable. It seems
to affect the people around me.
Is presence attractive? It is for
me, when I see someone who is
present, I really need to connect
with them. But what about people
that aren't present? I think it
can scare some people.

It is similar to the presence I
am practicing with sexuality. The
more present I can be, the more
control I have. As if presence
was the key to unlock a lot of
what reality is all about. When I
am present in my dream I can
control it. When I am present in
my daily life, does it gives me
more power? More control?

I'm dubious about the effect I
can have on women. Of course I
wish I could conquer any woman of
my liking. But I still doubt.

My understanding is transforming
though. It's shifting from a
desire to be good enough for
someone to be attracted to me, to
a realization that if I focus on
presence and cultivation of my
energy, there is no limit on how
I could navigate reality.

The question becomes: if I could
charm any woman I wanted, who
would that be? I haven't met such
a woman yet.