## 36 Not drawing this year

Like the past two years, I had begun the Inktober challenge. I had completed eight words for the challenge and had finished my 'storyboard' with all the subjects to draw. I had a fairly good story about a man with a moustache, a deer, and so on. However, after completing the first eight drawings in my bullet journal, I was not satisfied. I'm just not good enough at drawing characters, faces and expressions. I also don't have enough time to do it properly with the right tools. There are so many people who draw much better for this challenge that it doesn't seem like a good idea.

It's not just about drawing; I don't have enough time to create anything right now. My work and personal issues don't leave me with enough time. Sometimes, I only have time to research a 'geopolitical post' (posts about geopolitics on the French blog). I have even less time for poetry. I have no time to write a novel, and I'm not very proud of the haiku I've written this year. For me, the writing process needs time and a particular state of mind, especially for such personal themes. Drawing or painting is even worse because it's never finished. 

I've just come in from the garden, where I was trimming the shrubs and bushes. I'm pretty sure that in two hours, I'll go back out there and cut some more branches and leaves. It's time to prepare the garden for autumn and winter. I should have done a lot of things in spring, but I didn't have time. It was a mistake. Nature doesn't wait for me. And there's much more work to be done now, with no more time than before. But it's a lovely time to be in the garden, enjoying the scents of wood, leaves, grass and flowers. It could motivate me to write, draw and take pictures. I haven't had time to take any photos yet, but I love autumn light too. If there's a little more sun, I'll take the old camera I had to test for a walk. It's an old film SLR Canon with manual settings.

And you know what? The time I had planned to spend drawing, I will now use for other creative projects, just for me. It's always a good way to spend time, even if it's only for ourselves. Some people do DIY projects and create objects out of wood, leather and metal. That's not for me. I just need time to contemplate because this world is moving too fast. I don't need instructions or orders, such as the Inktober challenge or other writing workshops. I just need to take care of myself and my family, and look for rest, tranquillity and calm. I don't need to be sad to write poems anymore. It was like using drugs to create, and my drug was sadness and violent feelings 10 or 15 years ago. Perhaps it's the age, but as someone said, people change and it's not always bad.
In my teenage years, I wanted to be an artist, but a friend of mine was better than me. He tried and is now an artistic director, but he's not doing what he wanted to. I wanted to be a car designer, but I wasn't good enough to create original designs and I had problems with geometry and so on. However, I work closely with the automotive industry. That's life, and I create other things and find ways to achieve a lot with a little. I haven't drawn cars for years and I find car design boring now, especially in Europe and the USA. But that's another story. I have to write my annual review for that. Who knows what I'll be doing next year, in 10 years' time or when I retire?

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