12 April 2026 Sunday

there was a birdwatching walk at a nearby nature
park scheduled for today. i'd written it down in
big capital letters on a piece of paper and put 
the paper on our dining table, because i really
wanted to go. i ended up not looking at the paper
until well into the evening. 

this morning before drinking my matcha, i 
rearranged a lot of things around the house to 
unclog some areas and promote a better flow. it 
made the house feel so much more open and homey. 

this afternoon felt emotionally disastrous. 
i don't know where e is. i don't know if he's 
coming home. 

life is such a gift, and sometimes it can feel 
really hard. and confusing.

after e left, i fought the urge to curl up in bed.
i washed the dishes, and listened to a podcast called
"Buddha at the Gas Pump." the guest was an expert
on theories of consciousness. 

i feel a knowing inside of myself, that shapes my
nondual beliefs. i try to reach out in all directions,
when i feel separate and lost.   

then i called my brother and sister-in-law and baby 
niece. we haven't talked in a while, and i've been
meaning to call. my brother video-called me so i could 
see the baby. she's gotten so big. i met her just weeks 
after she was born, and she was so tiny. now she's this 
near-toddler, doe-eyed and gum-grinned. i hope to find
a way to go visit for (or before) her first birthday.

after that i painted some glazes (my first time) over
the underpainting on the oil portrait i'm working on
for class. i realized i'd been putting it off all day
because i was scared to open the paints and risk
applying them to the canvas without a teacher to guide
me. deeper than that, my fear of failure, and the 
perfectionism that has stunted me in so many ways
throughout my life. i pushed past the anxiety and
resistance, and once i got going, i felt much better.

then i practiced guitar for half an hour. thankfully
i haven't lost *too* much progress. my index finger
feels better than it did after practicing yesterday. 

i tried to call e an hour and a half ago. i left a
brief message. it's late now. i have to work 
tomorrow. i will try to sleep, and hope that he
comes home.