I think I am a bit addicted to computers and internet. 

Like every good addict I want an excuse to get more of the good stuff so here's
this hole.

I also want to think about possible solutions for myself to overcome and
minimalize problems/challenges that are caused by it. And there are problems
that I see in my life and in life of those I see around me.

BACKGROUND

	Every happy non-addict is happy in the same way.
	Every addict is unhappy in a different way.
	(Not Tolstoy)

For some context here's some info about my tech background. I really have never
done such a traceback before so it will be an interesting execise for me.

A kid born in 1990, central Europe, my first memory of a computer is a black
screen of some TTY and me trying to type something into it. I vaguely remember
some terminal games, though I have no idea where and when or who the computer
belonged to. I also remember floppy disks, though I don't remember ever using
one myself. First concrete examples of a computer begin at around age of 7-8
when someone who worked in IT became part of our family. I remember playing
Settlers at this persons' family home. Then he moves in with us and took his
computer with him which was the start of a new chapter for me.

HoMM 2 and then 3. Who knows, knows. If you don't know, where was your
childhood? This game captured my imagination, it charmed me with its music,
atmosphere, challenges, design. I played a lot. Though like the kids of my
generation I still lived a multi-dimensional life outside the game: friends,
bike, football (the real one, not American), roaming around freely outside,
reading books, etc. Then came Diablo 2, then FIFA 2000+, Baldur's Gate, some
simulators etc. All cool, all moving my young fantasy and capturing my
imagination and time but not alienating me from my peers, from the physical
world, or from other hobbies.

I also remember first mobile phone. I think I had a phone very early in my life,
maybe at around 11 years old. It was that old, classic Nokia 3310 everyone
remembers as the memable, immortal brick. It was 2001 or so and calling from it
was way too expensive for a kid. The only purpose I saw for it was to play some
games it came with, like snake. I did not carry it about. It was just a
poorman's gameboy. 

HERE COMES THE WEB

It's 2003 or so and we have internet at home for the first time. I distinctly
remember that I started to use it read and later join and participate in online
forums, the old school way. I learned writing in English by writing on a poetry
forum and having my work constructively criticised (btw, if I make spelling or
grammar mistakes forgive me, O pedant, for I write this inside a terminal
without a spellcheck and without a care. At least you know it's not AI
generated). I had my existential teenage questions answered in a philosophy
forum to the detriment of my immature Christian faith at that time and pointed
towards primitive scientism, misunderstood Nietzshean (I can never remember how
to spell the poor guy's surname) nihilism, etc. The world was under the spell of
the New Atheism at that time. Anyway, getting distracted.

Then I also discovered two things: online multiplayer games (Call of Duty: frag!
u noob. gg) and torrents. But I still had hobbies, I still read real, physical
books. At that time I wasn't technically minded or much interested in computers
besides gaming. Ok, we would go to computer market fares (wow, there was such a
thing) and pick some parts and assemble computers with the help of an
experienced adult, partition the disks, install and reinstall the OS when it
crashed on us - no idea if we were so bad or Windows so unstable or both - but
it was just means to an end. Entertainment, music, forums. 

When I turned 16 my life and mentality changed. I felt that gaming was mostly a
waste of time, although I did watch my brother play sometimes and also finished
two games before I turned 18. Mostly at that time I was into music and played a
real instrument, collected CDs and MP3s, and learned Finale for composing music.
I wanted to acquire real skills, pass instrumental exams, become a composer, not
play games anymore. 

UNIVERSITY

I remember this time clearly and can confidently saw that it was some of the
best time of my life. When I reflect on the whys I can see that it was thanks to
technology, or rather, thanks to the absence of it for the next 3 years of my
bachelor's degree. 

My computer was stolen when I was around 18 and I was away from home. I lost all
my compositions with it. I did not get a new one afterwards until I almost
finished uni. I had a phone but no internet on it and I treated it as landline:
it stayed on the desk and I almost never took it with me outside. I had time. I
had enough money through student grants not to need a job. I had a myriad of
interests and would go to uni library and come back home with a backpack full of
books. I studied math, biology, physics, botany, philosophy, sociology. All out
of pure fascination. 

When I came across something that I wanted to think about more I would go out
for a walk and talk to myself about it and dicuss it with myself out loud. I
also spent a lot of time in nature getting to know plants, trees, animals. I got
heavily into survival skills too. My dream, as I thought, was to move away from
society and live on what I hunt and gather. I just needed to get skills, get
equipment and move to Canada or some place where I could attempt it. Europe
seemed to make this dream impossible. I did not want to be part of normal
society but be self-sustainable. I thought much about technology, but it was the
bow and arrow, not CPU and GPU. 

Regardless if it was just a pipedream or not, I had an amazing time of learning
and self-discovery. If I needed a computer to do something I did it at uni. When
I was at home in my room I had a choice: do something interesting or be bored. I
think this it KEY thought worth repeating: I did not have a computer (or
internet at home) and thus, when at home I could either find something
interesting to do or be bored. A simple, mechanical limitation was
singlehandedly responsible for allowing me to experience this forgetless chapter
in my life, which laster about 2.5 years. 

Afterwards as I was trying to write my disseration I got a PC in my room again.
I did again come back to reading a lot online, especially as I was at that time
obsessing over some very important things. I also listened to a lot of music by
Arvo Part and some Eastern Orthodox and Catholic repertoir which moved me. But
it did not diminate my life. My life was dominated by walking, thinking, and
tinkering with various things. I was preparing internally for something new. Not
a flight to some imaginary idyllic woodland in the north but a stranger place
still.

ANOTHER LIFE

I will not go into the particulars but I moved abroad for the next 7 years did
not own a computer, did not even carry a mobile phone with me except for about
20% of the year, when needed for travel or some task. For the first two years I
only had access to one shared computer that I could use about once a month for
around 30 minutes. Then later on I had access to an IT room with a number of
machines which I could, if I wanted to, use almost daily for 1-2 hrs under
favorable circumstances. But I often went without using them as I wanted to do
other things and leisure was limited. I was much into fitness and would never
miss the gym just to sit in front of a screen, for example. Mostly I use the
computer to read stuff that was of interest to me, communicate with people over
e-mail or watch YT for music and for learning. Only later on did I even get
internet on my phone with a top-up SIM, which I used during leave and holidays. 

It seems like such discipline but really, back then, it was mostly seen as quite
natural for the nature of our endevour. That is not to say that everything was
fine with the use of this technology! I learned that one does not have to be
able to practice one's addiction to be an addict. It is enough that one awaits
the opportunity with longing, but that's a subject for an article in itself.
Sometimes this would lead, over time, to, what I call, "dog-off-the-leash
syndrome". When you're finally given the freedom you're off, trying to exploit
it as much as possible before some recalls you back. No healthy mentally either.
But what is important to note is that I was still enjoying things like fitness,
reading books, going outside, associating with people, and so on. My ability to
focus was strong and I cultivated it consciously. 

NEXT CHAPTER

I finally left the place when I decided I want to do something else in my life
now. I got engaaged, then I got married. I used technology mostly to communicate
and to learn things online, especially on YT. For two years after I left I did
not even think about getting a laptop or a PC. The mini computer sitting in my
pocket was sufficient for the majority of things that I wanted to do and if I
needed to do something else I'd use my wife's old laptop with Windows 7 which
was so slow that it actively discouraged use beyond necessity. I must note, as
digresssion, that when I replaced her HDD with a new SSD and installed Debian
with LXQT DE it became like a new machine, fast, snappy. A joy to use. My wife,
a total normie, is able to use it after I set it up for her without much of a
problem at all.

I was not a tech inclined guy, just wanted to have access to information, to
communicate with people. And I was never into tech gadgets, that includes
chasing ever newer models of phones. I just held on to a phone until it was
clear that it couldn't be trusted anymore to work reliably.

I cannot remember a time in the last 5-7 years where I did not think that I am
wasting too much of my time. Online use was always on top of the list of things
to cut down on but it rarely got badly out of hand to the degree that I was
worried about it. Yes, boring, boring stuff. 

LINUX JOURNEY

Then a programer friend of told me about Linux. I don't know why but I had two
thoughts: 1. sounds very interesting. I would love to learn this. 2. sounds very
difficult; can I really do it?

I don't remember every detail and I am sure no one wants to read about it but
there came a moment where the timing was right and I could afford to experiment
with my one and only laptop without affecting my work negatively. I thought
about double booting but decided that I should just go for it and jump into it
fully. I first tried Ubuntu on a live USB for few days and read more about Linux
distros (as is our sin in the Linux world) and then I decided to play it safe
with Mint. That went great. When Debian 13 came out I moved over the same day. I
knew I wanted to learn the commands and learn how to do things in the terminal.
I was able to get many things working soon with help of YT and AI for harder
stuff. I was reading man pages and tldr and trying to master basic commands. For
the first time in my life computer stuff was something I was actually learning
and not just using. For the first time I felt a passion for this stuff. 

I got more and more into it. There came a point where by sheer obsession I
started to know more Linux than my friends who used it for years as programers.
I moved to the terminal more and more. Installed dwm, prefered mostly CLI
programs, spent time to learn Vim (I am writing this in the terminal, ssh'ed
into my server and using vim). I got a bit into programing, sysadmin,
self-hosting, etc. After two years I am more hooked than ever. I feel more
connected to my laptop and server than to most people. I make plans for things I
want to do. I make plans for quick redeployment if something breaks, I fear
about loss of data. I fear that if my infrastructure was stolen or damaged I'd
need to spend hundreds of hours to recreate it and take active steps to mitigate
this as much as I can. I double and triple backup secrets, keys, passwords, both
locally and offsite. I got myself deep into this and I cannot see myself
stopping. I am at a point in my life where I can find time to do this both as a
hobby and professionally (under various excuses, more or less convincing). 

I also got too deep into privacy sphere but the hole is too deep to talk about
it here. That also took a lot of my time. Well, as a reader can see, I do think
about this a lot and fear a lot about maintaining this infrastructure and
improving it. Not a fear of: I am afraid. Fear of: I put so much work into this! 

And through this journey my son was born and I have less time in the evening for
other aspects of life that I used to engage in such as fitness, reading,
learning, religious practices. I see that in one sphere I am prospering and in
many others I am becoming poorer and poorer.

If my kind reader made it this far I am very much impressed. This is the place
where I will try to sort my life out in this regards. Maybe you're interested
because you're on the same journey. Bye.