17 November 2025: THE SYSTEM IS DOWN


Been a few days since I wrote on gopher - went to have a look around this 
afternoon and found sdf.org seems to be down at the moment, so I've drafted 
this in my offline backup document instead. Fingers crossed I've set it up 
well enough to simply copy/paste the writing over once it's back online.

sdf.org isn't the only system that's down for me today: amongst other things, 
I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, which *feels* like it's getting its teeth 
into me a bit harder at this stage of the year than usual. I usually enjoy 
the "hunkering down" feeling, of nature settling down to rest, and don't 
usually struggle too much with it mentally until January/February comes 
around (at which point I've presumably started to lose patience for it). Most 
years, the worst I tend to have around about this time is being a bit more 
sleepy in the afternoons than usual, and finding it harder to wake up too. 
Nothing dramatic.

This year seems to be different. I have been feeling unusually glum, and it's 
been taking a lot of energy to do the most basic of life tasks. I've been 
feeling how I usually do around about February, like I'm dragging myself 
through mud in the dark. 

Granted - in some ways, I haven't been helping myself as well as I could. Too 
much time scrolling aimlessly on my iPhone, hereafter to be known as the Doom 
Box. To address this, I have deliberately split into a feature phone, which 
only has my closest contacts saved. I'll throw some of my current favourite 
music albums and ambient sounds on there too.

It frustrates me that I seemingly do not have the self-control required to be 
around the Doom Box at all times. Limiting my physical access to the device 
is the only way I've found to keep control over the amount of time I spend on 
it. I try to remind myself that the Doom Box is designed to keep any human as 
compulsively attached to it as possible: that it is addictive by design, and 
falling into its traps is not a personal moral failing.

Especially at the moment, when I'm already feeling emotionally ragged, I 
think enforcing time away from the Doom Box is going to be essential for 
managing my mental health. To be feeling the worse effects of S.A.D. this 
early in the season does have me worried about getting through this winter in 
one piece. So I'm taking the preventative measures I can to help me avoid 
plunging into behaviours that only lead me into negative spirals, and trying 
not to be judgemental towards myself for needing to do so.

Other than that, everything is fine. I was thinking of adding another section 
to my gopherspace soon to keep track of the music I'm currently listening to, 
lyrics I'm enjoying, and so on. Just need to figure out how I want to 
structure it.

Til next time,

lilac